Aishuu Offers
Soul
~An Inu Yasha Hourfic~
shitsui@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Takahashi Rumiko's, not mine....
Dedicated to Azurite, for letting me drag her into
whatever corny scheme I come up with. Thanks to Laz
for the help- maybe she'll like THIS one?
**************************
When I first learned that I was a reincarnation of a
very powerful miko, I was troubled.
What did that mean, to be a reincarnation? Am I just
Kikyou, the repeat? What does it mean, to have the
same soul as someone? What is a soul, for that
matter? I don't know, but I've spent a lot of time
thinking about it.
I suppose some people would find being reincarnated a
comforting, definitive proof that there is, indeed,
life after death, that we aren't just left to rot in
our graves. I though, don't like it. There's such
a thing as faith, and having nothing left up to the
spirit seems to be cheating to me. I lost part of
the uncertainty in existence that makes man strive so
hard, that makes us try so hard to succeed, for we
only live a short time. After all, if I fail to
accomplish something in this life, there's always the
next. And the next. It's dizzying and something of a
cop-out.... I know I shouldn't think like that, but
what else am I to do?
On my first visit home after meeting the reincarnated
Kikyou, I pulled the dictionary down off the top shelf
in my room, troubled. Urasae had tied me down in a
bath of foul-smelling bath of herbs which she had used
to drain away my soul to fill the clay body she had
created for Kikyou. It had worked; my soul had left
me, and Kikyou had returned, determined to kill Inu
Yasha for his percieved betrayal. So... no matter
what I wanted to believe, we had to posess the same
soul.
The dictionary wasn't as well-thumbed as it should
have been, especially considering I had entrance exams
approaching. I flipped through until I found the
right entry, and I started to read. "'The animating
and vital principle in humans, credited with the
faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often
conceived as an immaterial entity. Also the spiritual
nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from
the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or
misery in a future state.'"
I looked at the words, in black and white, and saw my
conflict defined there. An immortal thing, something
that defined the person through their thoughts and
emotions- yet it didn't mention memory. I had none
of Kikyou's memories, none of of her skills, yet her
soul had become mine. What did that mean? Was I
merely a look-alike prone to certain behaviors? Or
was there something more integral to that, somewhere
where I might have Kikyou's memories burried deep
within, etched into my subconcious? This has kept me
awake at night more then a few times, thinking.
The emotional bit of the definition had caused me
even more problems. Sometimes I'll look at Inu
Yasha's handsome face and wonder. Do I really love
him? Is my love my own? Or is it merely the echo
of what Kikyou felt?
It can't be. Surely there emotions, these intense
feelings that seem to bind me closer and closer to
him, are my own. Experience and trial has forged our
love- and I know he loves me. It's in his eyes, the
gentle way he speaks to me when he thinks no one is
around to hear, the way he always comes to my rescue.
I would love to hear the actual words from him, but I
content myself with the knowledge that I hold a place
in his heart- maybe not as strongly as Kikyou does,
but I'm special to him.
Kikyou is back from the dead, and she possesses
something I never will. She has already died for him-
and I can't compete with that. Westernized though
Japan may be, there are still some traditions that
hold firm. And one of them is that I can't get
between them, even though it would save his life. I'm
so afraid that she really will succeed in killing him
one of these days.
I don't understand Kikyou. It's one of the things
that leads me to believe that I am my own person.
How could you ever want to kill the one you loved
best? Revenge, jealousy... hatred. They say hatred
is the same coin as love, just the other side. I
don't know if I believe it or not- they are both
certainly powerful emotions, but they seem so far
apart from each other- I think you'd feel the slide
into darkness and desire to pull yourself away.
But then, Kikyou was so pure that she may not
recognize the darkness in herself. The darkness, for
her, always came from without, not from within. At
least in her original life, her real life. Now, she's
a mere carricature of the woman she once was...
I could never be Kikyou.
Yet somehow the possibility must exist- we possess
the same soul....
But that is wrong. A soul is made up of our
experiences, and time changes what we once were into
something different- hopefully something better, but
that is not always the case. Kikyou is proof enough
of that. So while my soul may once have been hers, I
have made it mine. I am my own person, with my
feelings, thoughts, and purpose.
I am not Kikyou- I am Higurashi Kagome.
And for now, that's enough.
***
How DO people manage a fic in an hour? I lost focus
halfway through and had to come back the next day....
but this is the closest to an hour fic as I'll ever
get, methinks! Hopefully THIS IY piece won't offend
everyone- but since it's a Takahashi (as the great
Raye Johnsen said), that's doubtful. ^_~
=====
"No matter what the bible says, the battle always goes to
the strong. And I am strong. I don't need to prove that to
anyone anymore."
-Excerpt from Sainan no Kekka- Act Seven, Scene VII
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Quicksilver/
http://www.midnightrevolution.org/gundam
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