--- Raja <ratendido@mac.com> wrote:
Hey, everyone,
Here is the first portion of Chapter 5 of my fanfic,
"Obeying Destiny."
It's kind of a rough draft at the moment, so I'm
open to suggestions as
to how to make it better. In other words, I would
love, love, LOVE to
get any kind of C&C...I have no pre-readers at the
moment. Please let me know what you think!
Pretty please?
OK, I'll give it a shot.
---***---
Obeying Destiny
an "Aa! Megamisama!" fanfic
by Raja
---***---
The Premise:
Before Urd and Skuld could complete the Ultimate
Magic Circle of Warding,
Kami-sama stepped in and stopped them, allowing the
recall notice for
Belldandy to take effect. In punishment for trying
to use an advanced
magical construct without permission, and for trying
to thwart the will
of the Almighty, Skuld has to handle the
re-programming to cover up
Belldandy's time on Earth, and Urd has to remain at
the temple, posing
as a Nekomi Tech student, to help maintain the
revised reality.
I remember this one, now. The "failed Circle of
Warding" premise was a little too angsty and
OVA-centric for my tastes, so I stopped reading. I
much prefer the manga characterizations and a lighter
touch. Not to say that your story lacks these, it was
just my impression/expectation after reading a bit of
the first chapter. I should probably go back and read
those other chapters now...
***
"DAMMIT!"
The demon Mara slammed her hands on the console,
face contorted with
anger. "Why can't I get past this?" she grumbled to
herself. She
grabbed the controls and hit the activation button,
to make another
attempt.
Colors and pictures played across the screen,
casting Mara's face in a
devilish glow. She worked the controls like one
possessed, hammering
buttons as if she were trying to break them. For a
moment, Mara's face
grew triumphant, as she sensed victory approaching
--
-- until a stunning reversal throw knocked the last
bit of endurance
from her ninja character's power bar. The words
"GAME OVER" flashed on
the screen, as Sarah Bryant's smug digitally
rendered face said, "Maybe
I should hold back a little, huh?"
Mara again smashed her hands against the Virtua
Fighter 4 machine,
frustration evident in every move she made.
This scene was great! Mara really needs to have Urd
sit her down and give her some pointers on how you
play video games.
***
Megumi helped Keiichi up from where he had fallen
over one of the
overturned game machines. "Are you okay?" she
asked.
"Uh, yeah, I guess, considering..." Keiichi
responded, dusting himself
off. "Where are we?"
"No idea," said Megumi. "Ahh...Peorth, do you know
where we are?"
Peorth was carefully observing the conversation
between Urd and Mara.
Without turning, she replied, "We are in the abode
of a demon."
"You mean THAT's a demon?" said Sayoko, looking at
Mara in disbelief.
Megumi also looked in that direction, and found
herself agreeing with
Sayoko. Far from appearing demonic, Mara seemed to
be a normal-looking
blond haired woman. Instead of sporting horns,
tail, and other
stereotypical "demonic" gear, Mara was wearing
cutoffs and a t-shirt.
The only thing out of the ordinary was the odd,
symmetrical markings on
her forehead, and the double triangles above each
cheek bone. And
perhaps the small fangs.
Megumi turned her attention to the argument between
Urd and Mara. *On
the other hand,* Megumi thought to herself, *they
seem to be arguing
like they've done it before.* Out loud, she asked
Peorth, "Do
they...know each other?"
"Oh, yes. For a long time, now." Peorth smiled.
"They practically
grew up together. I think we are in no immediate
danger from Mara...but
keep your guard up."
"How dare you just pop in here like this?" shouted
Mara. "I had
everything arranged perfectly, dammit, and you just
--"
"Now just calm down for a minute, Mara," Urd said.
"We need to hide for
a minute, to find a place where we can get the bugs
off our backs --"
"Bugs? What are you talking about?" Mara began to
wave her arms at the
scattered, wrecked machines laying about. "You
wrecked my entire
set-up! Just wait until I tell your mother about
this --"
"Somehow I think that the Daimakaicho will be more
interested in YOUR
activities of late," Urd said, in a suddenly cool
voice.
"Daimakaicho...Hell has a chairman of the board?"
Megumi whispered to
Peorth.
I realize that Sayoko and Megumi wouldn't know who
Mara is because this storyline follows the OVA
continuity and occurs before Mara met either of them
in the manga, but in a similar vein Peorth wouldn't
know that Hild was Urd's mom, maybe not even know
Urd's mom was a demon. Also, whether or not Urd cared
about Peorth finding out about her demon blood, it's
certain she wouldn't want Peorth to know that her
mother was Hild herself. Not unless there was a very
good reason for it.
Urd and Megumi both managed to land on their feet,
but Keiichi, who
hadn't had the chance to travel this way before, hit
the floor hard.
Megumi rushed to his side and said, "Keiichi, are
you all right?"
"Yeah, just got the wind knocked out of me...hey,
this isn't the Motor
Club!" Keiichi sat up and looked around in
confusion. Instead of the
familiar, cramped, disorganized clubhouse, they
found themselves in some
sort of martial arts dojo, lit by flickering
torches. The raised
fighting area was surrounded by a decorative wooden
barrier. And
standing at the other side of the ring was a tall
blond woman, wearing a
skin-tight blue outfit, her hair in a big ponytail.
The blond woman looked at them, seeming to take
their measure. "So
you're my new opponents...won't you go easy on me?"
she said with a
wink. Despite her meek-sounding words, she looked
ready to give them a serious beating.
Urd looked at her two companions.
Megumi held out her hands and shrugged.
Keiichi said, "I never play these fighting games."
Urd looked back at Sarah Bryant of Virtua Fighter
fame. "Okay, we're in trouble."
I assume Urd's saying that because they're stuck in a
video game? Assuming her powers and freedom of action
aren't severely limited (which would require some sort
of magical device/spell and a heck of a lot of power
to back it up, something outside the abilities of
bugs), there's probably a major part of Urd going
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" at the prospect of relieving a little
of the stress she's been under lately. Urd absolutely
rocks at video games, whether she's controlling them
or a part of them. Though I'm sure she would, indeed,
"go easy" on Sarah - it'd be more fun that way. ^_^
Overall comments: This chapter doesn't seem as angsty
as I was expecting, though the whole
suffering-of-Keiichi (and presumably Belldandy)
thing... I'll have to check out the other chapters to
tell for sure.
Anyway, not a bad premise. Characterizations seem to
be on target, the AMG feel is there even if the
setting is Alternate Timeline. Glad to see you aren't
taking this to Alternate Universe.
Brian W.
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