Hiya!

Sorry it took me so long to get around to this.  I always had every 
intention of C&Cing it, but because of its length I kept pushing it back.  
It's also a bit intimidating: you usually find all _my_ mistakes, so I don't 
really expect to have much to say.

The other reason I delayed was because I wasn't too sure how to approach 
'Hello, Nurse!'  The thing is: I don't think I really liked it.  Oh, don't 
get me wrong--it was still a pleasant read; I suppose your fanfiction, as 
they say, is rather like sex: even when it's only so-so, it's still pretty 
damn good... umm, actually, I really hope nobody ever does compare 
fanfiction to sex.  Yikes.

I suppose my problem lies in comparing it to some of your other works.  
AMOW, and especially the Phoenix Mountain sequel, are among my favourite 
stories, and the style of writing there is very different than that of 
Centaur 5.  The first (if I remember) was far more prose-driven, and read 
more like a novel; 'Hello, Nurse!' was far more dialogue-intensive and, to a 
certain degree, felt somewhat like a script for a manga (makinging it, I 
suppose, more 'original flavour'.

Also, and this is entirely a personal bias, the storyline seems to me 
drifting away from Ranma and Akane.  I suppose it's entirely fair, 
considering they had all of 'Taming of the Horse'--and the earlier chapters 
of Centaur--to themselves; but I guess I still prefer stories centered 
around our favourite protagonists.

Well, those are just general comments... I'll try and find some specific to 
comment on, though I doubt I'll find much!  Gosh, you're lucky--you get to 
have yourself preread everything you write! ;)

     Snap!  "Hah!  Missed!"  One of the two doors slammed open

Ah, this is what I guess I had in mind when I made the above 'like a manga 
script' comment: here and there, you've got 'sound effects' mixed in with 
the narrative (ie. 'Snap!').  A stylistic choice, I guess.

     "Nobody walks cats, silly."  Akane swung her arms, enjoying

Some people do!  No, really, haven't you seen cats on those thin little 
leashes?  Or even ferrets, though that strikes me as stretching it a bit.  
Which reminds me: I can't remember, but did you ever resolve the Ryouga 
issue in Taming?

the sunshine, the company of her husband, and the delicious
feeling of the first day of vacation.  "So what would you like to
do for two weeks?  And don't say laze around the house."

Just as an aside, even during spring break they'd likely still have clubs to 
attend at school.  Ranma probably couldn't give a damn, but Akane might.  
It's even possible they'd have homework, though maybe not; after all, spring 
break is also the end of the school year--when they go back, they'll be in a 
new grade (which also means they might be assigned to different 
classrooms....)

     "Honestly, Ranma!  Why do you always--"  Akane suddenly
stopped both walking and talking and stared at Ranma.  Ranma
stared back.  "'Tofu-sensei'?!" they said together.  They turned

This is another of the manga things I was thinking about.  Double 
punctuation?  I'm pretty sure that's a big no-no in normal writing, but if 
you're trying for more of a manga-feel, then I guess it's okay.  <shrug>  
Dunno.

     "And when was this?" Akane accused him.  "Why didn't you
call, or write, or something, to tell us you were back?  Come to
that, why didn't you tell us you were leaving?  No warning, no
forwarding address-- for all we knew, you'd fallen down a manhole
or something!"

<grin>  Who wrote that original fic, anyway?  He or she should be getting 
royalties or something. ;)

     "Kasumi!" Akane protested.  Her ears were quite pink.
     "Oh, I'm sorry, Akane.  I thought that if my love life was
open to discussion, then yours was, too.  Never mind, then."  She
turned away and picked up the stack of bowls again.

I have to admit, it's an interesting take on Kasumi.  She's a bit... 
sharper? snarkier? here than I'm sure most people envision her.  
Entertaining, though, and as previous commentary, er, commented, we don't 
really know _anything_ about her past, so it's all cool.

     Kasumi thought about that for a moment.  "I think perhaps he
needs me," she said slowly.  "I'm sure you have some idea of how

I think that'd be the big fear with marrying someone like Kasumi: the sense 
that they're not so much marrying out of love, but as an exercise in 
sympathy, an attempt to 'help' somebody or change them into their idea of a 
better person.

important that is to me.  But even so, he treats me like a
person, not a china doll-- or a domestic."  Both Akane and Ranma
flinched a little at that.  "Most of all, he makes me feel...
like there are possibilities."

That, on the other hand, is a very good reason to get involved with someone. 
  Nice.

     "Well, you've said that before, of course, but I just can't
believe it.  He's always been like that.  Even when he first came
here to be apprenticed to Himura-sensei.  You were still a little
girl, and I was in junior high; I couldn't have been more than
fifteen," Kasumi said with a disturbed look.  "He was, what,
twenty-four then?"

[...]

     Kasumi didn't say "eeeew," but she appeared to be thinking
it.

I'll say it for her: eeeew!  Very good point, though.  I never noticed how 
odd it was for him to be going goofy when she was that young.  Yowzers!  
Well, Japan _does_ have a bit of an lolita complex, in my opinion....

     "Well, maybe," Kasumi said doubtfully, appearing not to have
noticed Akane's gaffe.  "Still, now he's thirty or so... I'm not
sure I like them THAT old."

Ouch.  That... hurt.  <grin>  Well, not that I'm there yet, but still....

     "She wasn't indifferent, though," Akane said cautiously.
"That has to be a good sign."  She brightened suddenly.  "I know!
Listen, we're having a picnic tomorrow.  The cherry trees are
blooming.  Kasumi-oneechan will be there, of course.  You'd be
welcome."

I have to admit the timing of your fic was perfect.  The cherry blossoms 
gave their final flutter last weekend... It was an early season this year, 
and it started right around the same time you sent the chapter out.

the cap, and she filled it nicely.  She wasn't quite plump, but
if Ranma or Akane had known what "zaftig" meant, they would have
applied it to her immediately; she looked like she ought to be
wearing a dirndl and toting four mugs of beer in each hand
without benefit of trays.

Don't know if any comment has been made about the usage of German in the 
fic.  As opposed to spot usage of Japanese (which I really dislike), I 
suppose spot usage of German is fine--the difference being that Japanese is 
aimed at the reader ('cus the characters should obviously understand what it 
means) whereas the German is kept within the story (since Ranma and Akane 
probably don't know the language).  However, 'zaftig' and 'dirndl' are in a 
chunk of prose, aimed at the reader--and I have to admit, I don't know what 
they mean.  I'm not saying an author should dumb down their prose, but I'm 
not sure those are words you can naturally expect a reader to know.  (Or 
maybe I'm just letting my ignorance shine through).

     That succeeded in diverting Akane's attention.  "What?!"

Again the double punctuation.

     Gertrude let go and stepped back, straightening her uniform
demurely and primping her hair a little.  "All right, Liebchen.
But remember where we stopped, ja?"

Is that a german 'ja' or a Japanese 'ja'? <grin>

     "Huh?  Oh."  Ranma addressed Gertrude.  "Tofu-sensei's
already GOT a nurse!"  She flounced over to Tofu's side and
hugged his arm.  "Right, Sensei?" she said through her smiling
lips and gritted teeth.

<grin>  I have to admit, it's easy to picture--very true to the manga.

     "So, we begin," the redheaded nurse said to the pigtailed
mock-nurse.  "First, making the bed!"  She looked around, then
opened one of the side doors and nodded in satisfaction.  "The
bed.  And here are the sheets.  I will go first to show how it is
done."

[...]

     "Or neither," Tofu said firmly before Akane could escalate
the dispute.  "This has gone far enough.  I'm sorry, Ranma, but
there's just no hope that you can defeat Gertrude-san in a
contest of nursing skills."

The follow-up, however... I don't know.  It felt a little flat, to me.  I 
mean, having the nursing contest makes perfect sense, and it's a great idea: 
but the actual contest seemed to miss some of the usual insanity.  Maybe 
because there was so little transition: isn't there normally a delay before 
these crazy martial art contests begin?  Also, having Gertrude dictate the 
trials doesn't seem quite fair; it should be a supposedly impartial 
individual (like Tofu) as opposed to one of the contestants, no?  But this 
is probably a minor point....

     "Oh, prob'ly cause I would've come up with the same great
plan in about another five seconds anyway."  Ranma's amused tone
punctured Akane's pique, and she spared enough attention from the
aerial path they followed to give her a surprised look.  "So how
come you stuffed me into this nurse's uniform instead of putting
it on yourself?" Ranma continued.
     "Um... the thought never occurred to me."  Absently, Akane
dropped to the street, bounced once to the top of the wall on the
other side, and then up on the roofs again, with Ranma right
beside her.

It's this kind of stuff that I think I like the most in your fic.  Feels 
very true to the characters and the story... and it's fun.

     "I--"  Akane broke off, appalled, and stood speechless for a
moment.  "But--  It's still wrong!" she wailed.  "It doesn't
matter that he wasn't engaged to you, Kasumi-oneechan!  He was
CRAZY about you, and he slept with Gertrude-san anyway!  He
BETRAYED you!"  She whirled and ran off down the hall.  Kasumi
and Ranma listened to the rapid patter of her footsteps recede
down the stairs, then traded glances.

A very nice and succinct portrayal of Akane's slightly-neurotic and 
puritanical views.  Well, one interpretation of her, anyway. (<grin> as 
opposed to the pervert-in-denial or lesbian-orgy-waiting-to-happen we 
usually see in most fics).

     "Why, thank you so much for asking."  Kasumi's eyes twinkled
at Ranma for an instant.  She put the folded towel down and gazed
pensively into the depths of the linen closet.  "I suppose if my
husband or even my fiance had slept with another woman, I'd be
angry and hurt.  But really, he isn't, and so I'm not.  I'm not

She doesn't even mention boyfriend in that.  Scary.

But what really got my attention was
when you told Sanzenin-san that I was your iinazuke and you'd
kill him if he laid a lip on me."

The 'iinazuke' there seems a bit gratuitous....

     Ranma was watching television without much interest when he
caught motion out of the corner of his eye.  He flicked his eyes
that way.  Akane and Ranma....  "What the HELL--!"  He rolled
sideways and came to his feet in a crouch.

Dunno about the exclamation there... only 'cuz you've rapped my knuckles for 
it yourself a couple of times. ;)  If the ellipsis is suggesting he's 
suddenly cut himself off....

got your tongue?"  His adversary giggled suddenly, and that
ignited Taro's ire.  He darted forward and attacked, slamming a
flurry of punches at the pigtailed youth, who dodged fluidly
clear of the bushes.

'slamming' suggests to me he actually hit; I don't know if you can slam 'at' 
someone.  Maybe 'throwing' a flurry?  I'm also surprised Kasumi was able to 
dodge, fluidly at that....

     Ranma wasn't paying attention to either of them.  "The
canal's that way," he remarked to Akane.
     "Oh, no...."
     Splash!  "MOOO!"

There's a lot (well, okay, only a few) of 'sound effects', and I'm not sure 
if they detract or not from the story.  The above line would do better 
without the 'splash!', in my opinion--after all, we know there's a canal, 
and that he needs water; the "Mooo!" (which is funny) would be enough.  Er, 
maybe.

     Ranma staggered back and looked at Akane.  "Oh, jeez."
Akane nodded weakly.  "You got a plan for this, Cupid?"
     Akane nodded again.  "I'm going home," she said.
     "GOOD plan."

Heh.  Well, I liked it more the second time through, and I can't deny that 
it's one of the most 'original flavour' type fanfics I've read in a long 
while--Ranma and Akane's characterization is especially bang on, in my 
opinion.  The plotting of events is excellent as well, and humourous--but I 
think sometimes some of the funny stuff is undercut by the elevated 
language.  I should've picked out some examples as I went through, but 
sometimes it seemed that the language was pretty 'high-level' (big words and 
the like) contrasted with the otherwise slapstick humour.  Then again, I 
should be the last one to talk: I can't do humour, which is why I don't.

Sorry the critique got a bit skimpy near the end.  I wasn't really finding 
anything to nitpick about, and I kinda ran out of time.

So, despite the mostly negative criticsm (sorry!) I actually really did 
enjoy it--and hope to see more (or more AMOW, of course).

-Mike Noakes

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