Very late here, excuse me.

the careers of 'The Men of the Most Valiant Sport Ever
Conceived.'

kind of cumbersome for a Tagline.

probably conceived by lawyers playing at advertisers. it seemed very
city-ish

  I turned off the screen, and sat back in the couch, mildly
taken back. Maybe I had been a hundred and eighty degrees wrong
about the City's leading independent news anchor. I did not
believe what the newspapers said about her taking bribes. She was
a Mark Antony, a master of the ex aeon cummunum.

  Man, it almost made me smile...

Now, if she keeps up like that the Mandate's going to have to
yank her off the air. They can't let that go on. On the other
hand, she has to know that. What's the plan?

well, sarah has taken on herself the burden of John the baptist and comes
though sometimes, othertimes concedes defeat. Here she found an event, saw
an opening, and did what she could. You're right, the mandate will not let
this go without reprisal, but the mandate's overall intolerance to the free
media sort of shows their fear of it, and things like this do occasionally
have definite, visible effects on the downtrodden population. So sometimes,
it really is worth a shot. But i guess thats all sort of obvious.

  "/Damn it, are you in or out??/"  he yelled.

Yelled seems a bit bland. Perhaps roared, bellowed, or demanded?

i feel i use too much single-word decription like that. Id like to use more
bland terminology on the whole, and pick up the slack with better chosen
sentences if possible. A lot of the writing in this centers on the staccato
bright/bland/bright/bright/bland dialogue of screw's inner observor to show
what he considers noteworthy and what isnt. an outburst like this out of
chris is not unusual and gets down played. I like to know if anyone else
sees this problem in my writing too.

  I walked over, and leaned on the bed beside her. She
remained motionless for a second and then slid down so that her
head was in my lap, and her feet dangled over the edge of the bed.
She asked, "...We have to do this thing, huh?"

Bad ellipse.

maybe "She paused, and then asked," would have been better.

  I was exhausted again, but laying twisted and slumped on a
bed with the girl was pleasant. It had been a long while since the
last time. Laying back, I closed my eyes, and just listened to the

Wasn't it about a week?

my bad. I think he meant since he was with another girl besides her, which
has been a while, considering the nature of his cagey, unemployed ass.

  "God, okay then." she said. Women like her need to hear

God or Good?

God. More vernacular.

  "Damned if you don't," I said as I caught my breath.

I liked that scene quite a bit. Screw and Alethea's interactions
always have this grounding in reality that seem to be at odds
with all the bizarre shit that happens around and too them.

  //////////////Some time passed.//////////////

Unnecessary.

if you say so

  "Nah, babe. You saw him on the way up. He'll be sleepin
like a rock tonight."

I'm starting to get the impression that either Screw's not
tripping as hard as he thinks he is, or he's got some bizarre
ESP. Perhaps the drugs are letting him tap into his senses in
ways he wasn't able to do previously?

yes yes

it. Hands: check. Elbows: check. Shoulder: Wait! Legs! Legs?

Shoulders I think.

right

 (///Her other arm came into view, holding the end of a large
pipe, previously attached to the side of my coffin, torn apart, and
spitting out volumes of super-cooled gas. It washed over the floor
behind her, and I saw sparks as a large monitor shattered.///)

I maintain even more now that Alethea's got some serious
preternatural powers. Please don't spell it out, keep hinting and
let me figure it out myself.

okay

Well, spell it out eventually, but I wanna figure it out first.

uh huh

And not a single friendly after-thought from my warm cushy
couch of personal subjectivity dared follow me down the hole.
Cheeky bastards.///)

Methinks thats the most profoundly Screw comment I've ever heard.

I liked it. I hope it worked. And yes, as he dies, its him to a T.
Personally I *love* the cheeky bastards and would never blame them for
anything.

Well, I was dubious, but the switch from H seems to work pretty
well.

well, H made me too much of a fan boy. I thought the bible verses from 'Song
of Songs' was a god send when I found it (a pun?) and displayed her
attitudes perfectly, though it probably made the reading a bit disjointed.
Ill have to pay more atention to that part. Its just hard when I have to
write people communicating in different states of consciousness, so who
knows, maybe disjointed was the key thing here.


I've still got the original, and I'll probably read it over

again when I get around to replacing that CD. I'm not pointing
out the comma-conjunctions or fragment problems. I'm sure you
know my opinion of them by now.

As for Screw's death. Well, it does reinforce what's going on
with Alethea. I think I understand what she's trying to do. I
liked that in it's fucked up nature juxtaposed with their earlier
conversation, something purely mundane.

YES!! Thank you thank you, that was the whole god damn point of this
chapter. Shows they both have two sides, *all* the time. And simultaneously.

Alethea seems to have two

definite sides to her, and I'm wondering if she says Screw
sometimes feels distant because she's switched on the other half
of her conscious. Maybe I'm just rambling.

yes, keep thinking along those lines. I think chapter eleven which should be
out very soon (later tonight maybe) keys in on that.

Peace.

Miashara

much thanks as always, man.


aescension


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