My somewhat belated C&C on this one. Hope it's in time to be useful.

"Tom Keehn" <zinyadel@hotmail.com> wrote:

None of this belongs to me and shouldn't be considered for use beyond 
entertainment purposes.  This was not meant to generate money and should not 
ever be used in that way.  If you run short on toilet paper, I suppose you 
can use this but I wouldn't recommend it.

Suggest you explicitly credit Rumiko Takahashi for the characters and
delete the self-deprecating remark. (The latter is the sort of thing
that generally makes me think that the writer is fishing for someone to
gainsay them and/or trying to deflect criticism; neither of which
exactly makes me eager to read the fic. If you'd instead said something
like "I know this isn't that good, but I'm trying to improve," the
effect would be better, at least for this one reader.)

This is to be post wedding scene.  Thoughts are in single quotes.

I don't think you need to make either of these points here. When your
story is set can be made (and probably already is) obvious from context,
and anyone seeing a quoted thought will immediately figure out what
delimeters you're using.

Midday.  A figure dressed in a summer dress with floral patterns that were 
primarily yellow and white walked through the streets of Nerima.  The dress 
had yellow trim along the edges and hung well past the knees.

The young figure looked womanly.  Long brown hair was tied back in a ribbon, 
cascading down the back in a free fall.  A soft, brown hat rested upon the 
person's head, a white ribbon tied about it.  But appearances were 
deceiving, as this was none other than Tsubasa Kurenai, master of disguise.

A couple of points here. First, while description is an important part
of storytelling, too much of it clumped too closely together can make
your narration drag. Second, it's always best to avoid narrating
directly as author to reader, which, at least to me, is what the latter
part of this comes across as. Talking directly to the readers takes
their attention away from your scene and destroys your story's illusion
of reality. So I'd suggest:

1) Put in some random passers-by to observe Tsubasa. We can learn that
"appearances are deceiving" as you shift from their POV to Tsubasa's,
without having to be explicitly told so. They could also provide more of
a reason for this description to be here; perhaps one or more of them
are young men (or even old ones) who are admiring Tsubasa's looks.

2) Try to work some of the description into actions that happen in the
scene. For example, having a character adjust his glasses is a better
way to tell us that he's wearing them than just saying "He was wearing
glasses."

I do like the way you've used a variety of verbs with some that imply
actions, rather than just a lot of "was"es.

Tsubasa hesitated in front of a familiar shop.  It had been months since he 
last visited his Ukyou and it had not exactly been a friendly parting.  He 
wondered how things were going for his friend, quietly hoping she hadn't 
succeeded in her pursuit of Ranma.

Need to reword; the placement of that last clause indicates that it's
his friend who was quietly hoping. (And I'm not sure what the "quietly"
is supposed to indicate; isn't all of this just his private thoughts
anyway?)

Tsubasa clenched his fists at the thought of Ranma Saotome.  Ranma had 
tricked him into caring for him, had toyed with his emotions.  After so many 
rejections from Ukyou, he had acted upon a momentary weakness and paid for 
it dearly.  Tsubasa had let himself care about someone else, only to 
discover it was the same culprit that was trying to steal his Ukyou from 
him.

I like this look into Tsubasa's somewhat biased recollections of things,
and am glad you're letting us fill in for ourselves how much of it is
actually reliable.

The entire encounter had not gone well and Tsubasa had fled Nerima, not 
wanting to return.  But here he was again despite his convictions.  Despite 

UKYO: Which convictions would those be?

TSUBASA: Let's see... two for disturbing the peace, three restraining
order violations... oh, and....

betraying Ukyou, Tsubasa was not about to give up on her.  If only Ranma 

Suggest: Desipte having betrayed Ukyo,
(the supposed betrayal occurred prior to the current moment in
narration)

"Fine," he sighed.  "I'll have a pork and shrimp okonomiyake."  She nodded 

okonomiyaki."

and poured an almost perfect circle of batter on the grill.  "It's been a 

Suggest a paragraph break before 'She nodded...' and another where the
dialog resumes; it's Ukyo's action, but Tsubasa's dialog.

long time since I said anything to you."

"Not long enough," Ukyou returned curtly.

Geez, and people complain about *my* Ukyo. :P

Tsubasa gulped nervously.  For a long pause he said nothing, allowing the 
room and his head to clear up.  The master of disguise knew that saying the 
wrong thing would be answered with a very painful reward, so he chose his 
words carefully.  "I'm only trying to help," he meekly offered.  The spatula 
left it's threatening position as Ukyou returned her attention to the grill.

its

"I don't need your help," she grumbled.  "I dealt with Ranma and if he 
doesn't want to speak to me again, that's fine by me.  It's not like I'm the 
one leading people along and suddenly attempting to get married without 
personally letting my supposed 'best' friend know beforehand.  As far as I'm 
concerned, he's dead to me."

Ranma never claimed to be her best friend. That's only a fanfic cliche.

She served up his okonomiyake on a small plate.  Tsubasa nodded graciously.  
"I guess that means that you wouldn't mind me ..." he started, reaching for 
his food.  A small spatula was slammed down, pinning his meal to the counter 
surface and shattering the plate underneath.  Tsubasa snatched his hands 
back, looking up meekly.  He swallowed nervously.  "I guess not."

Might want to show him making a move toward glomping Ukyo or something
to precipitate this action.

Tsubasa smiled at the girl, not knowing what else he could do.  She had 
long, raven black hair and deep brown eyes.  She was wearing a simple dark 
blue kimono with white trim and crimson red flowers arranged about the 
material to draw an onlooker's eye to specific places.  She was quite 
beautiful, though a bit old fashioned for Tsubasa's tastes.

old-fashioned

"Hi," he said.  "I'm a friend of Ukyou's, Kurenai Tsubasa.  I don't believe 
I've ever seen you before."

"I'm Kunoichi Konatsu," the girl replied softly.  "Ukyou-sama has taken me 

"Kunoichi" is a word that means "female ninja," not Konatsu's other name
as your use of it would imply.

Tsubasa turned and bolted out of the shop, fumbling with the door for only a 
moment.  He dashed down the streets, his sandaled feet slapping furiously 
against the pavement, with only one thought rambling over and over in his 
mind.

'My Ukyou has replaced me.'

My reaction to this ending is pretty much the same as it was to that
recent fic where Ukyo decided that Ranma had betrayed her. Um, okay,
and? I think you'd have a better sense of closure, of the "So what?" if
we saw a little of what this portended for the future. Doesn't have to
be anything extensive; just an indication of how it's going to affect
Tsub's future behavior toward Ukyo, or in general.

Anyhow, I think it shows you've got good potential. Keep working at it
(as we all need to do), and I look forward to seeing other things by you
in the future.



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