All comments, suggestions and criticisms are in my humble opinion only and should be taken with a grain of salt.

DB Sommer wrote:

Gestalt
A Dual! Fanfic

A DB Sommer Dual! Fanfic. This should be interesting. 

Standard disclaimer; I don't own any of the Dual! Characters. They are owned
by Masaki Kasjishima and Pioneer.

KaSjishima? I'm not aware of who exactly was the creator-owner of Dual is, but is the romanization of his name correct? If it is, my bad.

"Ge-stalt: a structure, configuration, or pattern of physical, biological,
or psychological phenomena so integrated as to constitute a functional unit
with properties not derivable by summation of its parts."
--Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary--

Aw. Damn... and here I was, thinking this is a Gestalt-Dual! crossover... but of course, Gestalt should be even lesser known as a series than that of Dual, since it has but one episode.

Also, (for considerably more substantial comments here) I'm kinda curious as to how the title'll relate to the fic itself. We'll see.

And it was all thanks to Kazuki Yotsuga, who, for one brief shining moment,
was given the power of the Gods and could shape reality to his personal
whim.

Suggest:

"was given the power of the Gods... to shape reality to his personal whim."

or

"was given the power of the Gods, enabling him to shape reality to his personal whim."

I know 'power of the Gods' and 'reshaping reality' are two seperate descriptions of his brief, newly-found-at-the-time special capabilities, but it seems to me that there's a harsh cut with the 'and' conjunction... mostly because _given_ the power of Gods and _to_ shape reality aren't similar actions usually connected with 'and'. Other than the above suggestions, I would also suggest:

"was given the power of Gods and granted the capability to shape reality..."  

Either of the three could work, IMO.

Gazing at the world outside, Mitsuki was thankful Kazuki lacked imagination.

Mistuki: (sighing) Such a boring little boy.

With a tired yawn she forced herself out of bed and began the task of
preparing for yet another day of school. Her nightgown was discarded and a
bathrobe chosen in favor of it. There was a time when she wouldn't have
worried about such things and could have gone to the bath dressed in nothing
more than a towel, but that was before Kazuki moved himself into her house
and home. 

Nitpick alert! Nitpick alert!

The whole thing wondorously elaborates the plot flow, unfolding it in nice prose. But might I suggest a more 'show, not tell' approach? It would seem unnecessary (at least, in my opinion) to warrant an explanation about Mistuki S.'s tastes in bathrobes when she'll air the same opinions to Mitsuki R.'s own considerably more economical apparel.

But, generally, nitpicks are taken with a pound of salt. Besides, you're already 'seized in wonder' with how short this piece had come out. 

Akane Sanada acting as Mitsuki's mother for the entirety of her life. It was
a fabrication, at least by Mitsuki's reckoning, but one that held an odd
sort of comfort. It bothered her that she preferred the lie Kazuki had
created to the real life she had once before. But seeing her father's
beaming face --one that had departed along with Ayuko-- when he spent quiet
moments with his wife and daughters, was a consolation that Mitsuki would
never have thought possible. So she left any objections with the way her
life had been rewritten silent in the recesses of her mind.

Fascinating take, that... with Mistuki S. having conflicting memories and such and her seeing Kazuki's creation as a fabrication. 

Though, if we go with _Mistuki_ S. having recreated the world (I know, I know... just work with me here for a minute, 'k?), then that little fact would have been _her_ doing, showing just how fond she really is of her mother dear.

The sight of Hartzenen outside her window turned her mind away from the new
pages her life was now written upon. Her hand came up to her head in
response to a throbbing from her temple. She had hoped, no, prayed that the
events from last night had been a nightmare. What had she been thinking when
she dressed up in one of those ridiculous Rara cheesecake outfits and
proclaimed to the world that it needed to bow down to her and the newly
formed 'Rara Army'? 

Hm? 

I would suppose more of this would be elaborated more in the next chapter or is this a passing mention fodder to fill up space until the unavoiable M & M lemon scene? 

walking down a street. More than she wanted, actually, with the continuous
outpouring of love letters she received from her classmates at school. She
didn't need to overcompensate for having a passive personality by doing such
outrageous things.

That's one take on the li'l one-eighty turn little Ms. Ra had in the series, from dominatrix to near-Kasumi like.

It was peculiar that she had engaged in such behavior in the first place.
She wasn't surprised by the other girls doing it. Rara had done it long
before Mitsuki had ever met her. D was just a child, and for some odd
reason, looked up to the 'other' Mitsuki, so following in Rara's footsteps
made a certain kind of sense. Yayoi was just plain starved for any attention

Perhaps Kazuki finally had her Yahiko-cropped, Klooney-esque hair grow in this world? One of the more distateful... albeit cosmetic things... I didn't quie like in Dual!. 

Also, just _what_ were they parading for? I don't think Mardi Gras occurs in their side of the world.  

A warmth spread across Mitsuki's cheeks as she remembered the way Kazuki had
stared, irritating her to no end. What was it with her lately?

(shrug) Plot setup by the author to get you to bone him as well as your feeling up your cousin just a few more paragraphs away, making things even more complicated before it even gets better... who knows? If there wasn't a better term for it, I'd call it sommerization.

some instinctual level that all was right with the world. Not paying
attention to her was marginally less better. Acting like a nervous,
indecisive twit was not so good. Not knowing what she was thinking, when it
was blatantly obvious, was bad. Paying attention to Yayoi, or the ultimate
sin, that flirty little Miss Rara, was very, very bad. And when Kazuki was
bad, he was punished. Sometimes in little ways, sometimes in big ones.
Mitsuki was never lax in letting him know of her disappointment in him.

Heh. Yup. That quite fits her perceptions of him to a t. You know all your borrowed characters well, Mr. Sommer. ^^

Not that Mitsuki was jealous or possessive or anything. She certainly didn't
think of Kazuki like THAT. 

Strange, you were nearly flirting with him at that time when the both of you returned to your actual, Rara-free world... and you had a cat-ate-canary smile when you discovered Kazuki's little collection from under his bed right in front of his face.

As Mitsuki exited her bedroom and headed towards the bath, her mind ran off
a list of the finer qualities Kazuki possessed: qualities she had learned
when they had lived under the same roof, as well as fighting in life and
death struggles aside one another. Despite a timid exterior, he was
unbelievably brave. He was almost enthusiastic when it had come to  helping
save the world. He didn't act like some lech, like most of the other guys
his age.

Mistuki: And he had that collection of porn under his bed from way back our original world, so proves he wasn't gay. (sigh of relief)

he was just so passive. A little aggression wouldn't hurt him. What he
needed was a few courses in assertiveness from Mitsuki Rara's other half,
Miss Ra. Sort of another version of that, like a Mr. Ra, or something.

Heh. Ooooh, thought-shift. We're getting clooooser.

Double or not, there were differences in more than hair style and color
between the two girls. Rara was in great physical shape. There was fine
muscle tone throughout her body, yet she managed to not lose one bit of her
feminine curves. Her legs were long and shapely making Mitsuki wince.
Compared to Rara, she felt her own thighs were large and flabby. At least
their hips were about the same, though again Rara might have had the edge
there with hers being slightly narrower. And then there were the breasts.
Mitsuki had assumed since they shared the same bra size, they would be in
the same shape, but there was something about her counterpart's chest that
seemed more perky in comparison. Mitsuki's hands grasped the underside of
her own breasts, feeling them to see if they had become flabby on her
without realizing it.

The power of fanservice.

Fascinating, the play of words here which carefully outlines Mistuki S.'s POV... I mean, such insecurity has made way for some interesting comments about actual differences in the two women's anatomy... a prime example of which is her insistence of Mistuki R.'s perkiness and her own perceived flabbiness.

"Oh, okay." It was a simple request. In the past, there were times D had
helped in reaching those hard to get spots when they shared a furo before.
Mitsuki picked up a washcloth, soaked it in the soapy water from the bucket
at Rara's feet, and proceeded to wash her counterpart's back.

Now we'll try finding out what the heck went wrong. It went so fast that I didn't quite realize what was happening either... and I was merely _reading_ it.

Being this close to her sort of rival, Mitsuki took the opportunity to
examine Rara's skin more closely. Here, she thought, she finally had the
advantage. Her cousin's skin was pale, something that was only highlighted
by her auburn locks, while Mitsuki's own was a pleasant tan, though not the
darkened hue of most 'sun-worshipper's.'

I'm not so sure, but I think it's 'sun worshippers'' 'coz 'sun worshipper' cannot be used collectively (as opposed to 'people' and somesuch)

 Rara looked like she hardly ever

spent a day in the sun, which suited Mitsuki just fine. Perhaps she would
purchase a jar of 50 SPF sunblock for Rara's birthday to ensure she remained
that way.

Asuka: Hm... that's an _idea_... hey, wondergirl!

"You're in great shape," Mitsuki commented. There was a touch of venom in
her voice as she continued scrubbing her counterpart's back, wondering if
she could 'accidentally' scratch it, just so it would have some sort of
flaw.

Well, she's still quite her normal, un-butch self here. If one didn't know better, or if one blatantly ignored all the obvious clues presented, he'd say this was a chaste, normal, venomous cat-fight-potential type of scene in the bathroom. 

Rara turned back around. "That'll be nice. Working out with friends is much
more fun than doing it by myself. It's sort of boring exercising alone,
actually."

"I know what you mean. I usually don't like being alone either. I'll
definitely start working out with you."

Here, it starts....

With that decided, Mitsuki returned to the task of cleaning. Her mood
improved, the work was done more enthusiastically than before.

It was that seemingly innocent enthusiasm which led from one thing to another... contrived? Maybe... but a digestible contrivance. 

The close proximity to Rara made Mitsuki aware of a fragrance emanating from
her body. It seemed to hover at the edge of her senses, tantalizing and
intoxicating at the same time.

Rather strong hints there... intoxicating and tantalizing. Subtlety be damned, though it is quite a drop from friendly familiarity to unfamiliar hormonal frenzy. 

It reminded her of the scent of a forest
being reborn with the dawn of a new Spring. 

Because that's what it says in the bottle... "Gee, your hair smells like the scent of a forest being reborn with the dawn of a new Spring."

No longer satisfied with merely
using a cloth as a medium, Mitsuki lathered one of her hands with water and
soap and proceeded to use it to clean as well. 

Decidedly all reflex talking. Obviously, since there's not one POV mentioning Mitsuki actually _thinking_, just mostly reacting to whatever stimuli is presented to her. Very nicely done... and the fact that I went 'Huh? Whuwuzzat?' after reading through this scene shows just how much.

If
Mitsuki had been in his place, awakening next to the nude form that was
pressed close to her now, she probably would have-

"What are you guys doing?"

Ah... now something more interesting... and typical to your prose. No, they won't get away with this that easilly... at least, not Mitsuki S. and her trouble, guilt-ridden mind.

Despite the obvious guilt, the explanation seemed to ease D's suspicions.
"Oh, okay. I thought Mitsuki might have been hurting you with the way she
was grabbing your front and you were moaning."

There's nothing like the straightforward approach to things.

Mitsuki smiled wide and mentally congratulated her cousin. "Yep. That's what
we were doing. Checking for signs of breast cancer. I wasn't feeling her up
at all."

"Okay. I understand," D said, then removed her robe. "Would you check my
breasts like that, too?"

"NO!" Both Mitsuki's shouted as one.

Nice setup to that too. Just gotta love those little opportunities of frankness from the Rei-like types of D. Some classic statements can be taken from them. 

"Geez, why are you being so touchy today?"

Mitsuki nearly choked on her soup. "I didn't touch anything today!"

Heh.

Kazuki, obviously eager to join in her flight, rose out of his cross-legged
sitting position and said, "Wait, and I'll go with you."

"Wait! I'll go with you."

had happened? One moment she perfectly normal, dealing with Rara the way she
had always had, when suddenly it was like a switch had been thrown inside
her.

It was the intoxicating and tantalizing part... and you not thinking by that time, which had helped matters... develop that way. Oh, and incessant comparing of bra sizes and tanned vs. immaculate skin.

Instead of behaving normally, she had acted just like some hormonally
crazed guy who couldn't keep his dick in his pants, though in her case it
was more like smothering Rara with her chest than with any anatomical
features between her legs.

Mistuki: Though it could work either way... damn! (whaps herself) I'm not a pervert! Not a pervert!

The way she had groped her cousin was downright
disgusting. She wouldn't have grabbed any guy like that and felt him up, and
that included Kazuki. Probably. Maybe. It wasn't like she had the
opportunity to find out, so the point was moot. But certainly at no time in
the past had she ever felt the urge to feel a girl up and 'test the ripeness
of her melons' as some of the more crude male members of her class tended to
refer to it. Mostly the guys that had never even engaged in the action.

However, Mitsuki certainly didn't fit into the category anymore. What had
been going through her mind? Actually, it was easy to recall, most of it
having to do with how sexy she thought Rara was. "Am I a lesbian?" she said

Hm. She's nicer than people most give her credit for. All this time, bitching about whether or not she's herself butch, while not at all making any accusations with Mitsuki R.'s own orientation or whether or not dear ol' cousin should be partially to blame for all this. She's rather selfless at that respect... Kazuki is really the main catalyst to the conflict. 

concerning Rara; of that she was certain. The girl had been in many
categories in Mitsuki's mind. From enemy to defector to rival (though not
for Kazuki's attentions, she assured herself. Mostly), 

Suuuuuure.

to friend to family.
None of those roles had included 'romantic rugmunching interest.' Aside from
being the wrong gender, Rara was like a long lost twin sister, which would
make it incestuous before anything else. It was perverted.

Perhaps it's the overly-powerful pull of the plot that kindled latent bi-sexual urges in you? It's just a thought... and Kazuki can make a great double as a girl. That could be part of your... um.... allegedly non-existent feelings for him. Yeah.

To test herself, and reconfirm her sexual orientation, Mitsuki thought of
other women naked. 

Ah. An understandable reaction. 

Rara's three former friends in the Rara army? No. Besides, they tended to
annoy her, especially that ditzy Alice. She didn't even consider D. Lesbian
or not, pedophilia was an even bigger no-no than the incest.

They're just not your type, silly.

"Oh no! I am a lesbian!" Mitsuki wailed.

Heh. You got me hook, line and sinker with your setup here, Sir Sommer. Though what happened afterwards with the li'l kids kinda muted the effect, IMO.

lines, and even then she had problems keeping the person in hangman looking
like a human instead of a demented Christmas tree as interpreted by Salvador
Dali.

IMO, I think she's really too hard on herself. Really. To think that this was finally something which had nothing to do with the 'incident,' her... depressing herself like this seems leaning more on a bit of much. Depressing thoughts in favor of more depressing thoughts? One does not 'bludgeon' things by chucking in more knives to the fray.

"This is all that darn Mitsuki's fault," Mitsuki mumbled as she continued
her doodles.

So much for her earlier selfless thoughts.

Kazuki could be a weenie at times, he really wasn't that bad. She recalled
him filling out his old combat uniform well enough. He was a bit short and
slender, but there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. 

Ken Sanada: And remember... he's even a size smaller than you are.

And the crotch of those
uniforms had not been so heavily padded that she didn't get an impression of
his general size. Not too big, but definitely not too small. Not that she
had anything to compare it to, but that had been her assessment of him.
There were lots of guy

There were lots of guys

Mitsuki returned to her proper position against the wall. All she needed was
one more class, then her scheme could begin. By the end of the night,
Mitsuki Rara would not be an element in the Kazuki Sweepstakes anymore than
D was.

So what're you gonna do? Seduce her?

Man, that was a perfect one-eighty to another, completing the cycle. Confucious was right about women.

[End Part 1]

Author's notes below:

Tomorrow I might say to myself "Why didn't I put that in?" but for now, this
is what came to me.

Which is it? I'm curious.

I dunno if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but the lemon scene merely briefly encompassed the entire chapter... about as briefly as Gohan encompassing Dragonball Z. It seems that it was put there more as fanservice than actually moving plot (which, with close inspection and actual removal of the lemon scene which constituted nearly the whole fic, would be the typical M & M rivalry). Bot that that's a bad thing, but....

It could work either way... the lemon scene making Mistuki seem even more fickle than usual, the 'kind of a trouble-maker, but not really mean-spirited' character which is used mostly as a plot device to further the plot. Or the lemon scene actually having some sort of impact in the future chapters. Though....

The whole feeling of the lemon scene just _put_ there for the intents and purposes of having lemon Dual! fic would be removed simply by the way the second chapter would be presented. The jealousy-uncertainty-lust-uncertainty-jealousy cycle of Mistuki S. was so briefly and immediately presented that it borders unbelievable and contrived. I mean, she just shrugged off all affections for Mistuki R. after seeing her giggling with Kazuki. The chapter cut-off was almost unnatural, almost shrugging off the earlier events which conspired with practical ease.

Oh well... we'll see. Maybe I'll be eating my words once properly explained, maybe the whole thing's really an important a setup to next chapter. But I just couldn't shrug off the impression of the lemon scene looking quite like the Hasam-Fekish scene in chapter nine of Avenging... merely elaborated on so the whole thing would virtually 'fill up more space' in the plot. 

Not many Dual! fics out there, but as is my wont, I tend to write at least
briefly in some of the lesser written about series. Not many, and Ranma is
still my primary source, but I do dabble in other series upon occasion. It's
fun, and a nice change of pace, though I doubt if I'll be writing anymore
Dual! Fics in the near future. 

I would still be looking forward to it. I couldn't think of a better author to take up the task. ^^

Now I think I've babbled on quite enough. Thanks for reading. Hopefully the
second part won't be long in coming.

Can't wait.

D.B. Sommer

Ja!
Abdiel

__________________________________
www.edsamail.com

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'