--On 4/4/02 12:27 AM -0500 DB Sommer wrote:
Gestalt
A Dual! Fanfic
Some nitpicks for you:
It was only in the little details of personal history that were really
different.
Remove the 'in', I think.
If her thoughts drifted off in
the slightest, the had developed a bad tendency to inevitably turn back
towards her house guest, making her feel odd in ways he shouldn't be able
to.
...theY had developed...
There were other boys she knew that were more handsome, more built,
more aggressive, and more interesting than Kazuki, ones that had
demonstrated in interest in her.
...demonstrated An interest...
Yet none of the ever interested her,
even before she had met Kazuki.
...none of theM...
"That's better." Sensing Kazuki was properly kowtowed and would let the
matter drop, Mitsuki relaxed and took another sip of soup.
According Webster's, kowtowing is:
1 : to show obsequious deference : FAWN
2 : to kneel and touch the forehead to the ground in token of homage,
worship, or deep respect
Perhaps chastened in this context instead?
"That's no excuse. You are expressly forbidden to punch anyone at the
dinner table." Akane rolled up the morning newspaper and handed it to
Mitsuki. "Use this."
<snicker>
One moment she perfectly normal, dealing with Rara the way
she had always had, when suddenly it was like a switch had been thrown
inside her.
...she WAS perfectly normal...
Interesting. I hope part 2 isn't long in coming. :-)
Jim