Note: This fic was written by Corwin (e-mail: ely7@inter.net.il) and he
gave me permission to post it here. The both of us felt that, in order to
celebrate the true meaning of April First, all those on the ffml should be
given a chance to read it.
IMPORTANT: Corwin has asked me to tell everyone that this should NOT be
archived anywhere, including the Miniarchive!
--------------------------------------------------
[Corwin]
Okay, so this isn't a lemon. Personally, I wouldn't even call this lime, but
eh. _Had_ it been a lemon, though, it'd have probably required the [mm
alien/undead] tags, among others.
Therefore, reader's discretion is advised. If you find offensive things...
offensive, then you probably shouldn't be reading this April 1st fic.
And now, I give you Masters of Jurai, dedicated to the Pink One. It has...
cameos. Lots of them. From both RL and various TV series.
--------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 and its characters are property of Rumiko Takahashi.
Barney is the property of some evil individual.
Masters of Jurai
Prologue
"Thank you for releasing me from that awful place! I love you!"
In retrospect, he probably shouldn't have grabbed that old, rusty sword
hilt. Or yell, "I have the power!" to try and imitate that hero his old
man had always talked about. But how was he supposed to know?! People
just didn't go bald from touching a sword in the real world!
Though still very much in shock, Ranma blanched. "I didn't not just hear
a purple dinosaur skeleton tell me he loves me, did I?"
"I love you, you love me, we're one big and happy family!"
Before Ranma could say anything, a disembodied voice suddenly
proclaimed, "No, you're not, vile creature! I, Tsunami, will stop you!"
"Oh no." Ranma became even paler. "Sweet goddess, no! There's more of
them!"
A regal-looking woman in flowing white robes and long light-blue hair
collected into a ponytail materialized to the rear of Ranma. "In the
name of Baldscalp, prepare to be punished!"
Ranma scratched the back of his head, blinking away his unshed tears at
the lack of his beloved pigtail at its rightful place. Concentrating on
the absurdity of the situation to keep a grip on his sanity, he asked
curiously, "If you're going to punish this dino guy, why are you hiding
behind me?"
The woman who had identified herself as Tsunami flushed slightly. "Err,
well, you see, when I said that the Purple One will be punished I didn't
mean that I would punish him myself because I have a champion for that
and you're it and besides I'm kind of cowardly well not really but I'm
more of a bookworm non-combatant person even though I have the power to
destroy the world with a wave of my left pinky and besides the vengeance
of Baldscalp is slow but sure well maybe more sure in this case since
you're here and so is he and did I mention that you were my hero--"
Ranma rubbed his temples, fighting off an incoming migraine. "Give me
one reason why you should live." This was definitely a bad day, and
someone was going to pay. He didn't know _who_, just yet, but he would.
And then, they would pay... with their hair! Oh yes...
"Uhm... because you're my champion?" Tsunami ventured, tilting her head.
Seeing Ranma shake his head, she tried again. "You're a non-violent
person?" She saw the big sword that the boy held in his right hand, and
bit her lower lip worriedly. "I guess not. Oh, gosh. I never expected
this question when I prepared all these centuries for the arrival of my
champion and even though I tend to get ready for just about any
contingency this was really not considered an option but what kind of
sorceress would in my place so I think I did my job pretty well under
the circumstances though seeing the look on your face maybe not--"
"Reason! One! Live! Want! If!" Ranma barked, his face growing to appear
twice its normal size.
"Oh dear. This wasn't in the first contact protocols." Tsunami quickly
made calming motions with her hands. "Alright, alright! I know I talk
too much sometimes when I'm agitated or something scares me or both and
sometimes also when I'm in a righteous mood but that is clearly not the
case and I'm too cute to die!" Seeing Ranma heft his sword and swing it
at her in an overhead arc, she closed her eyes tightly, cringed and
wailed, "WAAHH!!!!"
She waited for the sword to strike any moment, but nothing happened.
Confused, Tsunami scratched her head.
"It's okay, you can open your eyes now," Ranma told her, the energy
sword held inactive in his hand. "You're right, you _are_ too cute to
kill. That saves your life." His eyes narrowed. "Just barely."
"I'm glad you accept you destiny, because you're the legendary hero,
Ranma!"
"Tell me about it," the boy grumbled sourly. Life wasn't fair. It just
wasn't.
Smiling brightly, Tsunami clapped her hands twice, a hologram saying
"Ran-Man" in hand-written letters appearing in the air. "See? You are
the legendary Ranma!"
He blinked several times, trying to wrap his mind around that bit of
logic. "It says 'Ranman'."
Tsunami shook her head emphatically. "No, it doesn't."
"Yes it does."
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes it--" Ranma sighed. "This is getting us nowhere." Pointing to the
letters, he spelled out, "R-A-N-M-A-N."
"No, it says 'Ranma'," Tsunami insisted, shaking her head again. "The
'N' is silent." At Ranma's incredulous gaze, she blushed and averted her
eyes. "It is in Ancient Juraian!"
Ranma glanced at the letters -- looking suspiciously like the Latin
letters his grandfather had insisted that he study -- and decided to
drop it. Some things were better off left alone. They only tended to add
to his splitting headache. Reminded of the pain, Ranma winced as it
reasserted itself. His right hand went instinctively to his temple,
which in retrospect had probably been a mistake.
His scream of outrage had been heard for miles.
"I-I don't und-derstand," Tsunami stammered, taking a step backwards
with fear etched on her previously-serene face. "You seemed to accept
your destiny very well previously though you did try to kill me not that
I mind since I don't hold grudges but then you decided not to pretty
much making the point moot now that I think about it and I fully support
that very wise decision of yours to let me live which is fitting of my
champion and is almost as important as external beauty which I did my
best to bestow on you with my vast powers--"
Ranma, glowing with a fiery blue aura, advanced on her menacingly, his
hands twitching as he locked his eyes at her neck. "YOU did this to me!
This... this HORROR!!!"
"W-what horror?" she asked shakily, taking another step away from the
incensed boy.
"THIS!!!" Ranma screamed in outrage, pointing at his head. "My hair!
Gone!"
"Oh, that again. Yes," Tsunami agreed, looking at the boy's head. "Isn't
it pretty? Your Scalp shines far brighter than your father's," she
commented, beaming at him. Ranma scowled, and Tsunami's smile drooped.
"Damn you, Tsunami, this is all your fault!" Ranma exclaimed, claws of
pure energy extending from his fingertips. "PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
The sorceress eeped, and backpedaled furiously, waving her hands in
front of her face in erratic warding gestured. Oddly enough, that seemed
to suspend Ranma -- who had lunged for her throat -- in mid-air by a
multitude of very thin yet strong strands of energy that looked
suspiciously like hair. "That's better," Tsunami commented, visibly
relaxing and straightening her dress. "Now," she said, gathering her
inner strength to regain her dignity, "can you please tell me why the
gift of Baldscalp agitates you so?"
Ranma howled, and began clawing furiously at the strands holding him
captive.
--------------------------------------------------
The collection of purple dino bones apparently didn't like to be
ignored, so it attacked. Or so Tsunami said, when she released Ranma and
told him to prepare for combat. He had nodded dumbly, forgetting all
about his attempts to kill her, as despite being sure that nothing could
shock him anymore, Ranma was wrong.
At the moment, he was too busy gawking as the skeleton -- which had
somehow gotten a pair of white pants, a white jacket and a black wig
complete with attached sideburns that it put on its head -- started
singing into a microphone. On second thought, Ranma wasn't sure where it
had gotten the microphone, either. Or how the singing was amplified with
no speakers in sight. He was now sure of two things, though. One was
that Barnetor was a 'he', not an 'it'. Not only that, but Barnetor had a
deep baritone voice.
The other discovery Ranma had made was that the shock reversed his
transformation somehow. He had a suspicion that there was only so much
his body could take -- in either form -- before shutting down. As soon
as he realized that, Ranma slapped himself silly for even considering
accepting the horror forced upon him as his 'other form'.
Before he could ask Tsunami how exactly the purple skeleton's singing
qualified as an attack, he heard a noise coming from below the ground. A
manhole that Ranma could have sworn wasn't there just a moment earlier
opened, and four men in their early forties climbed out of it, lining up
to Ranma's left. Barnetor gave them a curious glance and shrugged,
breaking into a jig.
"Have no fear, boy!" Genma cried out, puffing his chest. "For now I'm
here!"
"And so am I," the man to his left announced just as proudly.
"Yes, my old buddy, Soun!" Genma grinned, patting the other man's back.
"You may not know this, young man," Soun said, addressing the slightly
bewildered Ranma, "but your father and I were once defenders of the
Earth just like you!"
"YES!" The gi-clad man posed. "Along with two others, we would keep the
world safe at all times! You may know me as just 'Genma', but the
world... the world know me as the heroic 'Lard-O'!"
Ranma blanched, his eyes threatening to pop out of their sockets as he
stared at his father.
"My comrades in arms have secret hero names as well!" Genma continued,
ignoring the expression on his son's face. "My best friend, Soun, is
better known as 'Jell-O'! And Rakhael," he went on, pointing at a third
man standing quietly to his right, "is famous across the globe as the
strong yet silent 'Index-O'!"
Ranma kept on nodding as Genma spoke. When his father stopped, Ranma
inclined his head at the remaining man, not trusting himself to speak at
the moment.
"Oh, him?" Genma shrugged. "That's Nobuyuki, the Master's pet."
"The... Master?"
Before Genma could answer his son's question, the air above the air duct
he had come out of shimmered. A female form in flowing robes appeared
there, only to squeal as she fell down the maintenance shaft. Ranma and
the four super-heroes of old waited patiently for her to climb up,
looking none worse for wear, and walked over to stand by Tsunami.
"Oh my! The Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Pandas!"
Ranma's jaw dropped, as his mother stood admiring Genma and his three
friends, her hands clasped under her chin. The four men posed, obviously
used to doing that as a group, and then took out color-coded cell
phones. Each hero dialed a long series of numbers, which caused a chain
reaction that Ranma had mostly blocked out, though he had a vague
suspicion brief nudity and swirly colors were involved. When the light
show ended, four pandas in spandex stood in the place of the middle-aged
men.
The spandex was form-fitting. Ranma was not impressed.
In the meanwhile, a tug on Nodoka and Tsunami's robes caused the
identically-clad women to glance down, where a dwarfish creature was
openly leering at them, one at a time.
"And Master Rattosai!" Tsunami exclaimed happily, bending over to pat
his head. "What a nice, bald man you are!"
Nodoka stayed silent, admiring Rattosai as he took out a cell phone of
his own, making her giggle in excitement.
Ranma walked over to the edge manhole, closed his eyes and took a step
forward.
--------------------------------------------------
The air vent was not as deep as Ranma had hoped, which became obvious
from the long string of expletives that Tsunami and Nodoka had to hear
when he hit the bottom. Coaching the boy to leave the shaft had not been
easy, but Tsunami had the fastest tongue on that side of the galaxy. To
give her the time needed to prep the world's best hope for peace, the
Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Pandas decided to gang up on Barnetor and keep
him busy, Nodoka dividing her attention between looking expectantly at
her son and sneaking admiring glances at her transformed husband. The
battle was fierce, with awe-inspiring moves such as Crouching Tigers and
Cloaking Pandas put to play. Currently, Tsunami noticed when taking a
moment to observe the battlefield, Nobuyuki was out cold, while the
brave 'Lard-O' had unlocked his forbidden technique, the fearsome Hell's
Cradle, on the purple skeleton.
However, Tsunami knew that in spite of their obvious prowess, only one
man could hope to stand up to Barnetor. Now, if only he would just stop
playing those pointless games and transform like a nice hero, her work
would be done.
"Please, Ranma, transform back into the hero of legend and defeat the
Evil One!" Tsunami begged, hiding behind him.
"No."
"Please reconsider! Only the legendary Ranma can defeat him. And you're
that Ranma, Ranma! Say the magic words your father had been imparting on
you since birth and we shall be victorious!" There was little time! Only
Rattosai still remained conscious, as Barnetor finally decided to
unleash his own special techniques on the brave warriors circling him
and kicking at his back. She couldn't even count on Nodoka's help, since
the other woman was by now too immersed in the ongoing battle.
"NO."
Ranma raising his voice against her didn't escape her notice, and
Tsunami almost reconsidered her course of action. However, at that point
in time, Barnetor got to the verse about Love and Peace, making the
sorceress' decision much easier. Besides, if Ranma killed her now, it
would be an act of mercy. "This evil must not be permitted!" she
declared loudly, even though her actions belied the strength in her
voice as she clutched Ranma's shirt tighter. "Think of your parents!"
Genma, in his hero guise, flew over them, continuing to gain speed and
altitude until he became a speck on the horizon. Nodoka brought her
hands to her face and teleported away, probably after her husband.
Tsunami knew that their time was up.
"Your loyal comrades must be spared, and you are the only one who can
save them!"
Ranma looked back at her, and then tugged on his pigtail in indecision.
Immediately, his face cleared of all doubt and he seethed, "No!"
gritting his teeth.
"Help me, Obi Wan Ranma, you're my only hope?" she tried tentatively.
Ranma blinked. "Obi Wan?"
Tsunami smiled weakly. "Well, that _is_ your full name and I figured
that maybe I had not been paying the necessary respect to the legendary
hero who is the Master of Jurai after all but that is not really
important right now but maybe it is since it got me thinking about our
current crisis and I wonder if maybe you're not satisfied with your
current titles and therefore I would always call you by your full name
in front of all your friends to express my utmost respect and gratitu--"
"Wait, wait..." Ranma cut off the babbling woman, raising his hand. "Are
you saying you'd call me 'Obi Wan' in public? In front of other people?"
Tsunami nodded eagerly.
Ranma sighed, dropping his head. "I can't win, can I?" he muttered to
himself.
"Sure you can win, Obi Wan Ranma!" she tried to cheer him up
immediately, thrusting her right fist into the air in a passionate
salute and waving around a small flag with a super-deformed scalp
engraved on it. "Go, go Obi Wan Ranma!"
He blanched, getting the sword hilt out of his pocket faster than the
human eye could see, and yelled, "GrantMeThePowerOfBaldscalp!" Several
moments later, standing hairless and panting heavily, he rounded up on
the sorceress. "You will _never_ mention this to anyone. Not the name.
Not the degrading power-up sequence when I can feel every hair extracted
from my scalp in the most painful way possible. Not what that makes me
look like. Never. Ever. To _anyone_." Leveling his fiercest glare at her
for good measure, he asked, "Is that clear?"
Tsunami nodded, her eyes widened in shock.
Ranma was about to leave, when he felt her grab his left sleeve and tug
on it. Fearing what new horrors the blue-haired woman would spring on
him next, yet trying to keep his face clear of his trepidation, he
asked, "What?" wearily.
"Could it be..." Tsunami queried timidly, chewing on her lower lip as a
lone tear made its way down her cheek. "That you don't like being the
legendary hero?"
Ranma stood perfectly still for several moments, before walking past her
towards Barnetor. He slowed down slightly as he passed her to wipe her
tear away in a flashy gesture, only to whisper, "I will kill you." in
Tsunami's ear and proceeding towards the purple skeleton.
--------------------------------------------------
The fight had been fairly short. The two had exchanged blows -- Ranma
attacking with his sword while Barnetor parried masterfully with his
skeletal tail -- for a good ten minutes, but then, out of the blue, the
purple dinosaur skeleton started dancing, whistling a merry tune. Having
come prepared with ear-plugs, Ranma used the opportunity to boot the
surprisingly fat skeleton over the horizon, thus scoring an easy victory,
and power down quickly. The legendary hero knew, however, that winning
one battle did not spell a defeat for the forces of Barnetor. No, Tsunami
had told him that the perpetually-smiling, nefarious purple skeleton
would not be defeated so easily. He would always come back, with
progressively sillier songs to sing and dances to perform.
Ranma felt like crying.
It was then that a pretty Chinese girl in a battle bikini approached the
lone, sulking boy, Tsunami having enough brain cells to leave him alone
after he had threatened to kill her for the umpteenth time.
"So you're called Ranma," the girl commented, letting her eyes wander
across his frame, appraising him.
He shrugged. "Yep."
"And you become the legendary hero with this sword," she continued,
pointing at the sword hilt that was sticking out of his pants' pocket.
He was silent for a long moment, before replying affirmatively.
"And this hero's also called Ranma?" she asked, giving him a calculated
glance.
"Why do you want to know?" he asked guardedly.
"Because I'm your long-lost twin sister, that's why!" she announced,
glomping onto him.
"Oh." Ranma shrugged again. "Yeah... it's a holy name or something."
"Hmm." The Chinese girl let go of him, stepping back and frowning.
"Maybe it's just me, but isn't it kind of counter-productive to have a
secret identity that has the same name?"
"Dumb is more like it." Ranma sighed. "Not that I wanted any of this
crap."
"You poor baby," the girl deadpanned.
Ranma flinched. "Please don't do that."
"So anyway," the girls continued, as if nothing had happened, "what came
first? You or the hero?"
Blinking, Ranma opened his mouth to reply, only to close it upon
realizing something. "You know, I have no clue. I mean, I first got my
given name, and the hero gig came much later... but the hero's been
prophesized for Pink One knows how long--"
"Pink One?" she interrupted him with a raised eyebrow.
Ranma grimaced. "Don't ask. Just... don't."
"Okay, go on."
Slapping himself several times to make sure he won't stray this time.
"Where was I? Oh, right. The prophecy thing." Turning towards the girl,
he frowned. "You see, the name was there from the start, way before it
even became Ranma."
"What was it before?" she asked curiously.
"Ranman."
"Ranman?" She raised her eyebrow again.
Ranma's frown returned full force. "Just drop it, for the sake of your
sanity and mine."
There was silence between the two, before the girl nodded, more to
herself than to him. "I believe I see the situation. You think that your
parents might've looked at this religious book of baby names to get
yours?"
"It gets worse." Ranma dropped his hand to his hands. "This Tsunami
chick I've been telling you about? Well, turns out she'd been trying to
breed this perfect warrior for ages now."
"Breed?" The girl's eyebrow decided to remain uplifted for the remainder
of the conversation. "You mean she... and your father? And his father?
And--"
"No, I don't think so--"
"She and your MOTHER?!"
"NO!" Ranma exclaimed, balling his hands into fists. "Not my mommy!
She's pristine and white and a virgin!" He nodded his head
empathetically to accentuate his point.
The girl stared at him for several long moments, before nodding curtly.
"Right. Go on."
"So you see, it's quite possible it's all Tsunami's fault." Ranma raised
his head suddenly to lock eyes with her. "YES! Everything is Tsunami's
fault, My Sister!"
She stared at him again, several emotions -- repulsion and abject horror
being the most recognizable -- warring on her face as she seemed to
decide whether it was easier to just let this go as well. Eventually,
she schooled her features, and said in a quiet yet nonetheless stern
tone of voice, "I am not your sister."
"You're not?" He blinked, staring intently at her.
"Oh shit."
Ranma continued looking at the girl inquisitively. "You--"
"YES!" she announced proudly, somersaulting backwards to land elegantly
in a triumphant pose. "I am not your long-lost twin sister!" Her
features blurred, and changed her clothes into a much skimpier outfit
than earlier -- which was quite a feat in and out of itself, considering
she had been wearing a flimsy bikini previously -- while her features
remained identical. "I don't know how you've managed to see through my
ingenious disguise, but I, Evil-Lyn Minmei, salute you!"
Ranma looked, slightly bewildered, as the girl literally saluted him.
Unsure of what to do, he returned the salute sloppily. A slight
shimmering in the air to his left prompted the boy to look that way,
just in time to see Tsunami materialize. His shoulders drooped. "This is
not my lucky day..."
"So, you reveal yourself at last, Evil-Lyn Minmei!" the sorceress
declared, posing as well and pointing at the other woman accusingly.
Ranma began rubbing his temples. "Why me? Why not pops? He's already
bald, he'd _love_ this. But no~o, we can't have _that_, now can w--"
Ignoring his mumblings, Tsunami turned towards Ranma and clasped her
hands in front of her excitedly. "Please defeat that villainous woman,
oh Bald One!"
"And this was my day off, too... wait a sec, Bald One?" Ranma blinked,
and then gritted his teeth, drawling out painfully slowly, "You did
not... just call me... the Bald One... did you now?"
Not noticing the way his left eyebrow began dangerously, Tsunami recited
obliviously with a dreamy smile on her face, "Didn't I tell you? Ranma,
you are the One! You will call upon the powers of Baldscalp, and embrace
them to become my handsome champion!"
Ranma looked like he was about to reply, before sighing deeply and
turning around.
"Where are you going, pretty warrior--"
"Don't."
"What?" Tsunami asked in confusion.
Ranma turned back to face, looking at her tiredly. "Just don't. Today,
I've gotten more titles than anyone should be burdened with, ranging
from merely silly and corny to downright mean and degrading. The last
thing I need is another."
"But--"
Ranma raised his right hand, pressing his index finger to his lips.
"Shh."
"But I don't--"
"Zip... ah, hell, it's a waste of time. Just shut up and leave me
alone."
Tsunami stared at him wide-eyed. "But what about Evil-Lyn Minmei and her
nefarious plans?"
Ranma shrugged. "Do her yourself. And as much as I'd normally love to
see a catfight with strong lesbian undertones, I think I'd pass on this
one."
"You can't do this!"
"Watch me." Ranma smirked. "I've always wanted to say this." He rubbed
his chin thoughtfully, musing, "Maybe this day isn't so bad after all."
"I'll cry!" Tsunami blurted out, sniffling for effect.
Ranma was silent for a few moment, before grinning. "What do you know? A
bonus!" He smirked again, giving the blue-haired woman a casual wave.
"See you around, Sorceress. Stay frosty."
The boy started walking away, but stopped after taking several steps and
reached out for his pigtail. He brought it over his shoulder and glanced
down at it, stroking it affectionately and cooing sweet nothings to the
raven strands of hair. He started walking again after a few moments, but
kept petting the pigtail, leaving behind two women who looked unsettled
by his behavior.
--------------------------------------------------
Ranma was getting ready for bed, hoping that he was merely trapped in a
nightmare, and that going to sleep in his dream would cause him to wake
up in the real world. Either that, or he would have nightmares all night
long.
Ranma tried to ignore the second possibility.
When he had finally fallen asleep, Ranma knew that fact immediately.
That had not been his first lucid dream. Finding himself on a green
field of grass with no soul around for miles in every direction, he
sighed in relief, and lay on the ground. Ranma closed his eyes, and
decided to get some rest. After all, eating and sleeping were the
highlights of life, and he didn't think he could eat after the day's
events.
Some time later, he found himself shaken awake by someone. Opening his
eyes in irritation and looking around for the source of the disturbance,
the boy could only stare.
Eventually, however, he had overcome his initial surprise. "Who the hell
are you?" Ranma snapped at the dwarfish, furry creature.
"Master of me craft I am. Call me Papa Kawk they do," it replied
merrily, smiling at him.
Ranma shuddered. Standing up, he saw that the grassland was gone, and he
was now at a crossroads. "Err, right. Why don't you just... go along
that way--" The boy pointed to the right. "-- and I'll go to the left?"
The dwarf grabbed Ranma's pant leg before the boy could leave. "Heard my
tale you had not," it said disapprovingly. "On the run from she-males am
I. Gangbang they want on me to do."
Ranma groaned and shook his head. Massaging his temples, he said, "Look,
PK or whatever the hell your name is, this is _my_ dream. Mine! Get it?
Now just leave me alone!" Raising his head skywards pleadingly, he
yelled, "Can't I get a single break?! Isn't it enough that you must
torture me when I'm conscious?!"
The clouds overhead gathered themselves into a smilie, which promptly
raspberried the distraught boy. Before Ranma could react to that, the
cloud suddenly exploded, flinging--
--sharp fragments of glass that bit at his skin.
Ranma's eyes snapped open as he woke up instantly, allowing his training
to take over as his body avoided the onslaught from the rain of glass on
autopilot. As his mind gradually cleared, he saw that the glass
fragments flew everywhere because the window in his room had exploded
inwards. Cursing rather loudly and bleeding from several shallow cuts --
he didn't manage to avoid all the shards -- Ranma ran to his window and
looked outside, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his palms.
Evil-Lyn Minmei and Barnetor stood in his back yard, a pair of large
speakers standing behind them and directed right at him. A large crowd
of what Ranma believed to be groupies surrounded the two.
"We cannot hope to face them alone!" Tsunami announced worriedly,
appearing in his room and immediately attaching herself to Ranma's left
arm and attempting to drag him away.
"What's this 'we' stuff?" he asked with a touch of annoyance and no
small bit of resignation in his voice. His nightmares had come true.
There really was no escape. "Since when do you do anything useful around
here?" Seeing Tsunami open her mouth, he quickly added, "No, your
cryptic yet utterly moronic riddles are _not_ useful one bit!"
The blue-haired sorceress' face settled into a pout.
"It's always 'Ranma, go bald!' or 'Ranma, destroy his microphone!'...
well, what's so different with 'Ranma, go stop their duet!'?"
"Barnetor and Evil-Lyn Minmei's evil powers combine, when they sing a
duet at high noon."
Ranma blinked, and then looked at Tsunami, who was still trying to pull
him away. "How the hell can you say that with a straight face?!" He
quickly shook his head, afraid that she might actually answer that and
give him the mother of all headaches. "Never mind." Deciding to change
the topic, he asked, scratching the back of his head, "Aren't evil
powers supposed to be increased during a full moon or something?"
Tsunami shook her head. "The powers of Baldscalp are at their strongest
during that time."
"Of course they are," Ranma deadpanned. Shaking his head, he said out
loud, "You do realize that the only thing stopping me from switching
sides is that their costumes are far uglier, right?"
Tsunami gasped. "It can't be! There must be other reasons-- and our
costumes are nifty."
"Nifty?" Ranma repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Whatever. You also think
my old man is sexy."
"I fail to see the relevance of that," she retorted with a huff. "In any
case, what about the evil chanting that is bound to destroy all that is
good and decent?!"
"You mean their songs?" Ranma shrugged. "I've heard worse. Usually from
you," he continued, his eyes narrowing, "when you're guilty and trying
to whistle your way out of things."
"Anyway!" Tsunami exclaimed, exasperated. "To counter the threat of the
Duet, I think we should seek out your long-lost twin sister."
"You mean Evil-Lyn Minmei?" Ranma asked in confusion.
"No, your _real_ long-lost twin sister."
Ranma stared at the sorceress incredulously. "Are you for real?"
"Yes, and so is she! You must track her down and recruit her to our
cause. Ranma, only you can find Washu-Ra!"
--------------------------------------------------
Actually convincing Ranma to go search for his long-lost twin sister had
been fairly easy for Tsunami. He had suddenly changed his mind about
going after she reminded Ranma that he didn't have to transform, though
his eyes had gained a new shine for some reason when she had told him
that regretfully she could not join him on his quest. And she didn't
even have to mention about the brave Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Pandas
that would take his place as the planet's last line of defense!
Unfortunately, the brave fighters were still sore from their previous
engagement with Barnetor, and compromises had to be made. The brave Pink
Ranger and his two lovers had been called upon to combat the forces of
darkness. The Pink One used his special attacks -- which all consisted
of flashing himself in some ingenious way to Evil-Lyn Minmei -- to keep
Barnetor's most trusted assistant at bay. The violet-haired Juraian boy
called Lalchi, who was very good at handling large poles, toyed with the
purple skeleton, jumping all over his bones.
In the meanwhile, their mature and experienced boyfriend, Spredder, a
master of the 'Fisting of the Back Door' school, was handling all of
Barnetor's mindless minions single-handedly. Despite his great bulk, the
man's speed was incredible. He would dart in and out, using pressure
points to deliver the special attack of his school, and then taunt the
minions by telling them they were already dead. They didn't have to wait
long before they felt the full power of the dreaded 'Touch of Little
Death' and fell on the ground, their bodies convulsing.
As the battle raged on, Tsunami tried to impart all of her knowledge
about Washu-Ra on her champion, who was in turn trying his best to
ignore her and hope she would go away. In fact, he had said so on more
than one occasion, though she knew he was joking. Eventually, however,
the time of departure had come.
"Don't even think about it!" Ranma warned, narrowing his eyes.
"Think about what?" Tsunami asked confusedly. Ranma noticed that she did
that a lot around him.
"You were going to say 'May the Scalp be with you', weren't you?" he
asked accusingly.
Tsunami shook her head. "You were quite vocal about what you thought of
that," she commented, her hands subconsciously going to her neck and
massaging it.
"Oh." Ranma blinked, and lowered his eyes, scratching his chin
thoughtfully. "How about something equally dumb like 'Become one with
your Baldness'?" He turned to determine Tsunami's reaction, only to find
her looking the other way and whistling. Off key. "TSUNAMI!" he yelled,
his face purple in anger. "Prepare to die!"
The sorceress' form shimmered and disappeared, leaving her disembodied
voice to complain whiningly, "I don't see the problem here. Why do you
hate the aesthetically-pleasing look that I have worked centuries to
create just for you?" A vein popped on Ranma's forehead as she continued
talking. "And to think, that the mere premise of it makes you look like
your worst enemy..."
"He's not my enemy, dammit!" Ranma protested angrily. "Not by choice!
Why did all of you nutjobs and freaks decide to gang up on me, huh?
Can't you find some other guy to abuse?"
"But Ranma, the Baldness is strong within you!"
His eyes crossed, and the boy scrunched his forehead. "Argh! Don't say
that!"
"Search within your scalp, and know it is true," the sorceress'
disembodied voice insisted.
"NO! It can't be! Not me!" the boy grabbed a strand of hair, pointing at
it with his other hand. "See? There's nothing wrong with it! If you want
receding hairlines, go to pops!" Ranma's hand -- the one holding the
strand of hair -- twitched slightly, and the strand came off. The boy
glanced at it in shock, as the lone hair fell to the ground in slow
motion, making subtle arcs in the air due to air currents.
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------
Will Ranma find Washu-Ran (the 'n' is silent) and convince her to join
his cause? What new allies and enemies will the sometimes-pigtailed hero
gather in his quest? Why does Tsunami, the Sorceress of Baldscalp, get
to keep her own hair while others don't?
TBC? You decide!
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