"Max M." wrote:

the careers of 'The Men of the Most Valiant Sport Ever
Conceived.'

kind of cumbersome for a Tagline.
 

  I turned off the screen, and sat back in the couch, mildly
taken back. Maybe I had been a hundred and eighty degrees wrong
about the City's leading independent news anchor. I did not
believe what the newspapers said about her taking bribes. She was
a Mark Antony, a master of the ex aeon cummunum.

  Man, it almost made me smile...

Now, if she keeps up like that the Mandate's going to have to
yank her off the air. They can't let that go on. On the other
hand, she has to know that. What's the plan?

  "/Damn it, are you in or out??/"  he yelled.

Yelled seems a bit bland. Perhaps roared, bellowed, or demanded?
 

  I walked over, and leaned on the bed beside her. She
remained motionless for a second and then slid down so that her
head was in my lap, and her feet dangled over the edge of the bed.
She asked, "...We have to do this thing, huh?"

Bad ellipse.
 

  I was exhausted again, but laying twisted and slumped on a
bed with the girl was pleasant. It had been a long while since the
last time. Laying back, I closed my eyes, and just listened to the

Wasn't it about a week?

  "God, okay then." she said. Women like her need to hear

God or Good?

  "Damned if you don't," I said as I caught my breath.

I liked that scene quite a bit. Screw and Alethea's interactions
always have this grounding in reality that seem to be at odds
with all the bizarre shit that happens around and too them.
 

  //////////////Some time passed.//////////////

Unnecessary.
 

  "Nah, babe. You saw him on the way up. He'll be sleepin
like a rock tonight."

I'm starting to get the impression that either Screw's not
tripping as hard as he thinks he is, or he's got some bizarre
ESP. Perhaps the drugs are letting him tap into his senses in
ways he wasn't able to do previously?
 

it. Hands: check. Elbows: check. Shoulder: Wait! Legs! Legs?

Shoulders I think.

 (///Her other arm came into view, holding the end of a large 
pipe, previously attached to the side of my coffin, torn apart, and 
spitting out volumes of super-cooled gas. It washed over the floor 
behind her, and I saw sparks as a large monitor shattered.///)

I maintain even more now that Alethea's got some serious
preternatural powers. Please don't spell it out, keep hinting and
let me figure it out myself.

Well, spell it out eventually, but I wanna figure it out first.

And not a single friendly after-thought from my warm cushy 
couch of personal subjectivity dared follow me down the hole. 
Cheeky bastards.///)

Methinks thats the most profoundly Screw comment I've ever heard.

Well, I was dubious, but the switch from H seems to work pretty
well. I've still got the original, and I'll probably read it over
again when I get around to replacing that CD. I'm not pointing
out the comma-conjunctions or fragment problems. I'm sure you
know my opinion of them by now. 

As for Screw's death. Well, it does reinforce what's going on
with Alethea. I think I understand what she's trying to do. I
liked that in it's fucked up nature juxtaposed with their earlier
conversation, something purely mundane. Alethea seems to have two
definite sides to her, and I'm wondering if she says Screw
sometimes feels distant because she's switched on the other half
of her conscious. Maybe I'm just rambling.

Peace. 

Miashara

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'