Miashara:

All opinions are not only mine, but the correct and only way to
do anything. Speaking on behalf of God, disagree and risk
anihilation.

Odd, I thought I was the voice of God. Guess I'm not infallible after all.
:)

DB Sommer wrote:

"We need to get over there and check this out," Iron Rose said. Turning

her

gaze to the vast array of machinery in the cavern, her brilliant mind

began

to categorize what purposes the machines might serve. Within moments she
suspected what their true design was.

It made dildos?

That seems like a straight line, but isn't.

Heh

Within seconds the Iron Rose confirmed her suspicions. "This is a

coolant

system for a reactor. I'm not completely familiar with the design, but

that

seems to be its purpose."

Ah, but is it a generating reactor or a breeder?

Umm. It's one of alien design, and therefore I can be vague about the
precise functioning of it. :)

"Speed Demon," Mint preened proudly.

The heroes applauded.

chortles quietly

Well, it is  vast improvement, you have to admit.

Tarou rolled his eyes at his comrade's stupidity. He postured before the
quintet of heroes and boldly proclaimed, "Enough talk. I would ask you

guys

to make things easy by giving up, but somehow I doubt you'll see things

my

way. And to be honest, I'd kick the crap out of you anyway even if you

did

give up." He grinned evilly and cracked his knuckles.

I like this guy.

Unreptent bad guy. No angst here.

His theory was proven erroneous just as quickly as a boot connected with

his

gut from his fallen opponent. The blow had such force behind it that it
caused even Power Man to double over.

His gut? She'd need to be standing for that and if it's a frontal
attack he'd probably see it coming. A kick to the gut's going to
have to arc anyway, so I'd recomend something to the side, back,
or head. Now if she was smart it would be the kneecap or jaw, but
she isn't.

How's this:

His theory was proven erroneous just as quickly as Thor sprang to her feet.
A boot was brought into his stomach before he could throw a second punch.
The blow had such force behind it that it caused even Power Man to double
over.

crater that resembled a meteorite impact, one that had crashed

vertically

into the rock. The large man hung in the wall, motionless.

For a crater to be verticle, the incoming projectile has to crash
horizontally. In this situation at least.

He's hitting perpendicular to the wall, if that's what you're saying.

"You do. I'm just toying with you." Tarou proved his point by throwing a
straight punch towards Captain Japan's face. His longer reach enabled

him to

connect, the force of the knuckles snapping the Captain's head back.

Before

he could follow up, Captain Japan brought his shield up, cleanly

connecting

with underside of Tarou's jaw and driving the youth back.

Now, depending on whether or not you actually want this to be the
OS Tarou, you may want to revise. Of course, CJ RAnma would
probably whup Tarou's ass up and down the field without problem,
so I'm not expectiung you to. However, the other Tarou uses Mien
Chi Chu'an, Cotton Fist, and he'd basically just retreat and
block until Ranma leaves himself open, then take him down in one
or two extremely debilitating strikes. Vital points and such. For
what it's worth.

Nah. I sort of like it as is. Tarou is shown to be overmatched due to both
Ranma's weapon and his 'perfect' physical condition. That was what I was
going for.

"I wouldn't either, sucker." Captain Japan retrieved his shield and

squared

off with his foe once again.

I'd kill the with his foe, but that's personnal opinion. We've
already established what my opinion is worth, however.

'squared off once again' sounds flat though as well.

burning ozone indicated not all the systems had survived the blast. Iron
Rose herself received a nasty shock from the backlash through the armor

from

the discharge.

I think you'd be better served by adding this whole section
someplace else. As it is, it breaks up the flow of the fight,
something that should be moving as fast as the CJ/Tarou bit did,
or faster. Perhaps she sees it, freezes in shock, and leave the
explanation unstated till later, a thread to bind this part of
the plot to the next?

Hmm. I see what you mean. Will look it over and see how to trim it down.

He leveled his weapon at Daredevil. "So, you would seek to attack me

when I

implore the heavens for an answer to by plea?"

What? My plea?

That is worded awkwardly. Let's try this.

Holding his sword up high, Swordsman boldly proclaimed. "And so yet another
foe falls before my awesome skill. Is there no one capable of giving a
warrior of my character a challenge?"

Instinctively he brought his sword up to block the billy club thrown at him.
He leveled his weapon at Daredevil. "So, you would seek to attack me when I
implore the heavens for an answer to my question?"

"I am the answer to your question." A set of chains shot out from his
sleeve.

the shield. Elektra had crouched low upon landing and the edge of the

shield

went over her head. She brought her sai forward, the tip slashing

through

the material of Captain Japan's uniform across the center of his chest.

A

thin trickle of blood formed where the metal had caressed flesh.

She'd have to hit the ground to be able to slash him, as his
attack would probably throw her off anyway. I'd note that.

She did after she kicked him.

A few quick notes on fight scenes in general. They should flow
extremely quickly, and be almost without anything resembling
exposition. Short, terse paragraphs work pretty well, as well as
using as many different ways of calling each character as you
can. Also, try to change the sentence construction up.

Beth lashed her boot at Bill's head, who ducked low. Rising into
a leap, the roar of Bill's flying uppercut was matched by the
resounding crack as flaming fist met chin. The woman crashed
backwards and landed in a still heap.

True, it is lacking descriptive imagery. Ordinarily it would't be so bad,
but this is a long fight with many people, so it shows. Actually this is
probably the longest fight scene I've done since the finally few chapters of
S 1/2, now that I look at it.

Quick, ne? Donny Cheng, I think, once commented that fight scenes
are like drum solos. Fast, loud, and stacato.

I don't know how fast it'll be just because it touches upon ten different
people. Thing like the Rose scene, yes, are pretty heavy. I should trim
that. But it'll still be long.

Other than that, the chapter was pretty nice. You got bogged down
in a few points with what I felt was unnecessary for life and
death combat, but again that may be taste.

No, I think you're right. Like I said, I'll see if I can trim things down.
Thanks for the help.

D.B. Sommer

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