Howdy,

Well, it's been too long since I've contributed anything to the FFMl, so 
thought I'd try some C&C.  This is a bit random: I'm afraid I don't think 
I've read the previous chapters... er, sorry? Well, here we go: a Friday 
night one-beer, one-sea chicken-onigiri critique!

     Ranma raced into my restaurant, letting the door >slam behind her and 
then vaulted over the counter, >ignoring the few patrons that still 
lingered over their >food.

Just me, but I'd maybe place a period after 'behind her', and start the next 
with 'She vaulted...'  Just a suggestion, though: forgot to mention it 
before, but feel free to ignore anything I say.  I'm pretty sure I don't 
know what I'm talking about half the time, anyway...

     "Ranma, what are you doing," I asked as she >crouched down beside me.

Dunno, but sounds a bit formal for Ukyou... "Ranma, _what're_ you doing," 
sounds more dialogue-like to me.

torn off the hinges as a longhaired Chinese girl

Not sure if 'longhaired' is one word or not...

     "Where Ranma?" she demanded in broken Japanese.

You can probably leave out the 'broken Japanese', or at least the 'broken'.  
It's obvious from reading that it's broken.

     Now, I'm not on the best of terms with Ranma all >the time, but I got 
the impression that she had >something fairly irreversible in mind.

Unclear reference: seeing as that you've been referring to Ranma as 'she' 
thusfar in the story, _who_ has 'something irreversible in mind'?  The way 
it reads, it's Ranma.

     "Sorry, but Ranma sounds like a boys name to me.

boy's

her heel and stormed back out, fortunately with >slightly less force.

Reads a bit odd... maybe 'stormed back out, _though_ fortunately...'

The frightened customers weren't far behind and some of >them didn't pay 
although I can't say I blame them.

A bit run-on.  Need a comma in there.  Maybe after 'pay'?

     "I have just one question, what did you do to >her?"  A sudden 
suspicion crossed my mind.

I'd swap that comma (after 'question') for a colon.

Anyway, I challenged her and one so that wasn't a >problem."

'one' should be 'won.'

     Ranma shrugged eloquently.  "It all started while >I visiting a 
shrine with Nabiki..."

Should be: "It all started while I _was_ visiting...," I think.

=================

     Ranma smiled happily.  So far things had gone >according to plan he'd 
developed after talking with

...according to _the_ plan...

     "I am the best," Ranma confidently stated, his >chest swelling 
slightly.

Sounds a bit odd.  Maybe either, "I'm the best," (sounds a bit more 
natural), or "Well, I _am_ the best," if he's trying to emphasis it.

hand.  After an almost imperceptible pause, she allowed >the taller girl to 
pull her from the water.

Aww... he oughta have pulled her in!

     "Maybe I-"  Whatever else Nabiki was going to say >went unheard when 
a nearby tree exploded, splinters of >wood spraying them and the upper 
portion of the trunk >narrowly missing the bridge they were standing on.

Reads a bit odd.  Maybe end after 'exploded', and start a new sentence, 
'Splinters of wood sprayed them, and the upper portion of the trunk narrowly 
missed the bridge...'

Oops... gotta take a break!  Just discovered this nifty 'Full Metal Panic' 
anime, and another epiosde just downloaded.  Back in 22 minutes...

Err... funny how one episode can easily become three.  Anybody ever wonder 
why anime Japanese women are so, er, healthily voluptuous, as opposed to the 
average real Japanese woman...?  On second thought, forget I asked; back to 
the C&C.

     "Ranma!  I kill!"  Holding two outsized bonbori,

Maybe 'oversized' bombori...

     "Ya don't think?  About the only thing I can do >is avoid cold water 
ant that's not working so good."

... '_and_ that's not working...'

you explain what's going on to everyone, they can help >out."  I paused 
thinking for a moment.  Shampoo's

Maybe 'I paused _to think_ for a moment...,' otherwise it sounds like she 
stopped thinking.

     It rained that night, which was a surprise >considering the how 
pleasant the day had been and it

I think you can drop the 'the'... probably left over from a revision....

     "I guess you can come in," I said, scooping the >small animal up, 
"you'd better keep out of sight >though.  People don't like animals in 
places where food >is being prepared."

Probably could pop in a period after 'animal up', starting a new sentence 
with the dialogue of "You'd better keep..."

Incidentally (and this is a total aside, so feel free to ignore), it 
probably wouldn't be a big deal having a pig around, believe it or not.  
Aside for the cute factor (good for drawing in the schoolgirls), the 
cleanliness of you average okonomiyaki, ramen, or udon shop I've seen in 
Japan is often just this side of shocking.  These places would _never_ pass 
North American health inspector standards... but then again, they're cheap 
and tasty, so who cares?  I've seen rats zip by in more than one of my 
favourite eating/drinking holes, so a tamed pig probably wouldn't be a big 
deal.

vain effort to escape detection.  Beside me, I felt >Akane slip into a 
fighting stance and instinctively >stepped in front of her.

Not sure if you can feel something like that.  Maybe feel a fighting aura 
flare up, but someone slupping into a fighting stance is probably seen as 
opposed to felt.  Maybe in her peripheral vision?  Froma  sideways glance?

     "That certainly was brave of you."  P-chan >struggled briefly as 
Akane took hold of him, seeming >almost embarrassed.

Again, it's not exactly clear who's embarrassed, Akane or P-Chan.  You could 
start a sentence at the comma, "He seemed almost embarrased by the 
attention...," or something, maybe.

     "Airen."  Reaching upward, she pulled my head >down until my lips met 
hers.
     "Whoa!  It wasn't like that when she gave me the >kiss of death."

Cute, and a nice plot twist... but, er, technically, shouldn't she be 
kissing P-chan?  When she kissed Ranma, it was obvious he had defeated her; 
he kicked the bombori (if I remember, it's been a while), and it donked her 
in the head and knocked her out.  Here she tripped on a pig; it's not 
exactly clear that Ukyou's the cause of her defeat.  Unless, of course, 
you're planning on using that as a later plot point with which to tie 
Shampoo closer to Ryouga, which could work nicely if the curse gets revealed 
to her....

     "Ukyou wasn't the one that beat you, it was P->chan here," Akane said 
sadistically, while patting her >pet lightly on the head.

blush>  Oops.  Guess I spoke too soon.  Er, sorry? ;)

     "Hold it!  I'm not going to let you wreck anymore >of my restaurant.  
How are you going to pay for what >you've already done?"  Shampoo abruptly 
relaxed, just >before she would have managed to slip free of my grasp."

No need for the " at the end of the sentence.

     "Amazons pay back debt," Shampoo explained nodding happily.

Maybe a comma after 'explained'.

     "Don't worry Ukyou, if you want her to stay here >she can," Akane 
said calmly and from far too close a >distance for my comfort."

Again I think you can drop the '"'.  And why does Akane's distance disturb 
her?

shuriken across the room, one of them pinning several >of Shampoo's hairs 
to the wall.

Er, I'm not sure you can pin hair to the wall.  Slice it off, maybe... it 
would work better, in my opinion, if you pinned her clothes or something, or 
if the volley of shurikens sent her dodging away.

     "Waht?  Never mind."  I took a deep breath to

Waht should be 'what', I think.

the Tendos' after school and visit Akane.  I approached >the front gate, I 
heard voices speaking.

Sounds odd.  Maybe '_As_ I apporached..."

     "Are you sure this is a good idea?" Akane asked.
     "It's worth a try."

Umm, how does Akane know what Ukyou is planning?  And isn't Ryouga still 
standing right in front of them?

Well, hope this C&C helps a little bit.  An interesting read, despite the 
fact I haven't read the earlier chapter.

And there you have it: a tuna onigiri, two asahi, three Full Metal Panic 
C&C!

-Mike Noakes
http://www.geocities.com/noakes_m

_________________________________________________________________
Join the world�s largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail. 
http://www.hotmail.com


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'