Hi!

This is my first ever C&C contribution. Hope this helps.

{before : after}

ffml-bounce@anifics.com wrote:

Growing Up's a Bitch

Part1

by Oberon

ffml_use@hotmail.com

A disclaimer placed here or at the end of your story is
mandatory. Always give credit to the original creators
of the characters you use in the fic.

A young man with black hair tied in a pigtail sat patiently 
in a locker room.  He was a boy really, maybe 15 or 16 of 
age.   The boy wore a red shirt with its sleeves rowed up 
and a pair of loose fitting pants.  Both the boy and his 
clothes had seen better days as both shown signs of ware and 
tare.  His shirt was torn in several places and was stitched 

{ware and tare : wear and tear}

back but some of the damage appeared to be recent and hadn't 
had a chance to be repaired.  His pants were in the same 
condition but most noticeable were the odd {color : colored}
patches over the section of the knees.

Of the boy himself, he had definitely been in a struggle of 
some kind.  There were bruises on his face with one 
particularly swollen black eye.  Various other {injurious :
injuries} were over his arms and face.  Mostly, they were minor
cuts that showed several days of coagulation.  Other than the 

Coagulation doesn't seem to be the right word to use here.
Blood coagulates; wounds, on the other hand, clot.

It becomes obvious that Ranma is about to fight Ryoga. However,
you've indicated that Ranma was just in a fight. Is this
something you will clear up later on?

large bruises on his forearms most of his other injuries 
were hidden by his shirt.

The locker room was in much the shape as boy.  Beat down and 
run down, it was missing several locker doors and those that 

The word "it", again, doesn't seem right. The phrase "it was
missing several locker doors" would sound better this way:
"several lockers were missing their doors". Or something.

had them were missing locks or came with large fist size 
indentations.  The floor looked like it hasn't been swiped 

{swiped : swept}

in years.  The bandages and toilet paper that littered the 
floor had been walked on so much that it formed an 
unbreakable crust over the tiles.  Just about the only 
intact furniture was the television set in the corner, and 
that looked like it been tagged with spry paint many times.

{spry : spray}

The image on the television was fuzzy and occasionally 
interrupted by static but it was clear enough.  The reporter 

>from the broadcast was just audible but for the young man it 

might as well be mute.  The teenager had not moved as he 
simply sat on the bench waiting for something.  His 
attention was so focus on his upcoming task that he ignored 
the all distraction.

Remove the "the" in "the all distraction"

"Something cheesy happened to our city's defenders today. 
The Sailor Senshi were visiting the industrial sector 
outside the city when a nearby cheese factory exploded, 
showering the Sailors and most the visitors with a layer 

{most the visitors : most of the visitors}

cheese whiz.  Lucky no one was hurt and only minor 

{Lucky : Luckily}

structural damage resulted.  When Sailor Venus was asked 
about the incident her only reply was that cheese was never 
her favorite food."  The reporter shuffled some papers in 
her hand.  "Today is the 2nd anniversary of Princess Usagi's 
disappearance.  As of yet no clue had been found leading to 

{had been found : has been found}

the princess' current location and no ransom demand was ever 
received.  You may remember the uproar two years ago."

A reporter would never rely on viwers' memory of a particular
incident, especially one that happened "two years ago." It
would be better to actually have the reporter describe the
incident in question or to maybe put an ellipsis at the end
of the word "received" and omit the last sentence entirely.

The squeaking sound of the door as it was opened interrupted 
the young man's concentration.  He looked toward the 
direction of the door to see a fat middle age man with a 
scarf over his head.

{middle age : middle aged}

"It's time." Saotome Genma announced.

***********

"In this corner," a guy in a black formal suit gestured 
toward the pigtail young man.  "The challenger.  Ranma 
Saotome!"  The crowd of spectators around the ring was 
remarkably silent at the announcement.

"And it that corner, our undefeated Champion.  Ryoga the 
Raging Boar!"  The man in formal suit gestured toward the 
opposite side of the ring.  A spot light moved from Ranma 
toward the direction where the announcer had pointed.  The 
light reveals a rugged looking boy around Ranma's age but a 
lot bulkier.  

{reveals : revealed} Be consistent with your tenses.

The boy was rugged looking and under his mop of hair was a 
yellow bandana.  When the spectators chirred energetically 
the boy's smile revealed his fang like canines.

The phrase "under his mop of hair" seems to indicate that
the bandana Ryoga wore was merely on top of his head instead
of wrapped around his head. I suggest rewriting that phrase.

"Alright guys, the rules are simply."  The announcer shouted 

{simply : simple}

to the microphone, his voice echoed to the spectators over 
the speakers.  "Three rounds, 10 minute each and there had 
better be a knockout by the end of the third or no prize. 
No killing, other than that, anything goes."  The announced 
looked back toward the crowd.  "Ladies and gentlemen, place 
your begs, the fight's about to BEGIN!"

{begs : bets}

Although ordinarily bets are placed way before the combatants
actually enter the ring. To place bets now doesn't seem right.
Better to omit that part altogether.

The crowd roared and the bell signaled the beginning of the 
fight.

Ryoga charged toward the smaller boy.  Ranma saw Ryoga's 

Although it's true that Ranma is smaller that Ryoga, he isn't
that small. The way you've repeated the word "smaller" to
describe Ranma seems to indicate that he was really very much
smaller than Ryoga.

As far as height goes, they were pretty much the same height.
Ryoga might be bulkier but I am assuming that in this fight
both Ryoga and Ranma were clothed, which would therefore not
make the former's bulk all that noticeable.

advance but his reaction was a surprise to all those 
present.  He did not jump out of the way.  He did not take a 
fighting stance.  Instead of facing the raging boar Ranma 
turns his back to him.

{turns : turned}

Ryoga stopped in his tracks and regarded Ranma cautiously. 
"Why did that fool turns his back to me?"  Ryoga looked at 

{turns : turn}

Ranma carefully, inspecting the smaller boy's posture as he 
himself took a combat stance.  "His stance. it's so casual. 

{it's : It's}

What's he up to?"  Both boys remained perfectly still as the 
larger of the two eyed the other like a hawk.  

Again you used the word "larger". Perhaps "bulkier" would be
more appropriate.

"Blah.  This weakling can't beat me." Ryoga charged toward 
Ranma once again.  Still Ranma did not move.  Ryoga saw the 
perfectly still form of Ranma and began to have second 
thoughts.  He stopped and scrutinized Ranma more intensely 
then before.

{then : than}

"He's too confident. Is he setting a trap?"

RANMA: D'OH

+++++++++++

Two days ago Ryoga was still on his way to his fight with 
Ranma.  He hasn't missed a fight yet because he always left 

{hasn't missed : had never missed}

1 week in advance.  But this time he had gotten to the 
rundown warehouse a few days early only to get lost on his 
way to the bathroom.  Fortunately a nice old lady in Shikoku 
was helpful enough to point out the way to Crystal Tokyo.

This isn't very clear. Wasn't Ryoga just looking for the way
back from the bathroom?

Ryoga parted the branches as he walked through the heavily 
overgrown area.  He continued to make his way to Crystal 

"heavily overgrown area" doesn't sound right. Suggest reword.

Tokyo and slowly the plants were beginning to thin out. 
Ryoga came upon a clearing and saw a boy about his age, hug 
tied while trying to run away from a pack of angry dogs.

{hug tied : hog-tied}

It was really more like hopping away from the dogs since the 
boys' legs where chained together with a heavy iron chain. 
Ryoga watched the boy try his hardest to get away from the 
barking dogs then he recognized who the other boy was.  He 
is one of the fighters.  The pigtailed boy suddenly screamed 
and jumped higher into the air as one of the Dobermans sank 
its teeth into his ass.

"Dobermans" seems out of place here. You probably should have
mentioned earlier in this paragraph that either the pack of
dogs were entirely made up of Dobermans or that some of them
were Dobermans.

+++++++++++

"So. that's what he was doing.  He was training for some 
special technique."  Ryoga eyed the smaller boy.  "He must 
be waiting for me to get in close then surprise me with the 
attack."

RANMA: Rats! Now he knows the plan. What to do..?

Slowly, and ever so cautiously, Ryoga edged toward his 
opponent.  His eyes were always on his opponent looking for 
the slightest movement.  But not once, did Ranma so much as 
twitch.  

Consider removing the comma after "once".

Finally, Ryoga was staring down the hair on Ranma's neck but 
the smaller boy still refused to move.  

"What's he doing?  Why isn't he making his move?"

RANMA: That's funny. I thought he knew the plan? Tsk tsk.

For a long time both boys continued to stand motionlessly in 
the ring.  But as the minutes ticked by Ryoga's emotions 
finally got the better of him.  As much as he tried he 
couldn't keep the anxiousness from building up inside him. 
Yet he refused to make the first move knowing he will be 
falling for what ever trap Ranma had planned.  Ryoga was 
beginning to sweat but if he could see the look on Ranma's 
face right now..

It sure is a long time to wait for movement. In the meantime,
shouldn't the crowds be clamoring for action by this time?

+++++++++++

With his back to the bigger boy, Ranma had hid his face from 
his opponent.  This was a battle of the mind.  Will it be 
Ryoga who lost control first and attack?  Or will it be 
Ranma who will loose control of his fear and ruin his own 
strategy.  

{loose : lose}

RANMA: Nah! Better wait it out. Ryoga's a bigger idiot than
    I thought!

The battle wore on and Ranma's was sweating profusely. 

Er...what battle?

Occasionally his lips would twitch but thankfully it escaped 
his opponent's notice.  Ranma could literally feel the 
bigger boy breathing down his neck, waiting for him to make 
a mistake.  But even as right leg began to shake Ranma 
manage to hold together.

{But even as right : But even as his right}
{manage : managed}

At last Ranma felt the hair on his neck moved to the slight 
change in the air.

+++++++++++

At last Ryoga could stand it any longer.  He sneered at 
smaller boy then pulled his fist back for a strike at the 

{pulled his fist back for a strike at the : pulled his fist
back to strike the}

boy's back.  "THAT'S IT!!!  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!"  Ryoga's 
punch was lightning fast.

However, Ranma's was faster.  

Ranma could feel the other boy make his move. Before the 
bigger boy could connect Ranma struck first, knocking Ryoga 

Consider place a comma after "connect".

to the ground with the back of his fist.  Ranma's attack was 
fast but it wasn't nearly strong enough to keep the Ryoga 
down.

Ryoga recovered from the fist to his nose quickly.  He got 
to his feet and growled at the smaller boy.  With a scream 
of rage, Ryoga charged blindly at his opponent who had once 
again turn his back to him.

{turn : turned}

RANMA: I bet this guy's gonna fall for the same trick again.

"DING"

Consider removing the quotes. Bells don't speak after all.

Ryoga paused in his tracks.  The bell had rung, signaling 
the end of the first round.  Ryoga's inside was burning in 
hatred for the smaller boy.  He was huffing and puffing but 
he knew he'll have to wait for the next round or else risk 
his prize money.  Reluctantly, Ryoga returned to his corner.

+++++++++++

Ryoga could barely wait for the beginning of the second 
match.  He sneered at the boy from across the ring with 
utter contempt, his face a mask of barely contained rage. 
He could hardly wait to pound on his foul.

"foul"?

"DING"

Ryoga charged out of his corner while the ring of the bell 
still echoed in the air.  

Ranma walked out his corner slowly even in the face of the 
Ryoga's rush.  Then he stopped.  Like before Ranma turned 
his back to the raging boar.  He stood in the same posture 

Consider "with the same" rather than "in the same"

as before at almost the exact same spot.  But this time 
Ryoga wouldn't be so easily fooled.  

Ryoga rushed ahead but from the corner of his eye he saw the 
look on Genma's face.    Genma was smiling, almost 
chuckling.   It is a very smug look.  A look that just 
screams "I know something you don't".

Genma suddenly reached under the ring and pull out. a 
pineapple?  Genma held the fruit in his hand and played with 
it.  He tossed the pineapple between his hands while he 
continued to smile smugly toward Ryoga.  Genma chuckled at 
the young man then out of the blue he threw the pineapple 
high into the air.

Ryoga's attention immediately returned to his opponent. 
Ryoga stopped in his tracks, he was sure his opponent was 
using Genma's distraction to launch an attack.  But once 
again Ranma simply stood perfectly still with his back 
toward Ryoga.

"Bastard." Ryoga cursed the younger boy silently.  "So you 
think you can fool the great Ryoga Hikibi again?  I'll 
show."  His thoughts were interrupted when he suddenly felt 

{show : show you}

something sharp land on his head.  Ryoga looked around the 
ring frantically for his attacker but there was no one save 
for Ranma who still standing at the same spot.  Then he saw 
it.  Not far from where he is standing.  There, lying on the 
ring was. a pineapple.

Remove the period after "was"

Ryoga felt the rage building up inside him can be held down 
no longer.  Finally, Ryoga let out a deafening roar that 

I think it's pretty obvious at this point how much rage Ryoga
has.

nearly drowned out the chirrs of the audience.  The only 

{chirrs : cheers}

thing left in his mind is the thought of smashing the 
cowards into the ground.  Ryoga descended on Ranma like the 
wild boar he is named after.  This time nothing will stop 
him from pounding the other boy into paste.  Nothing will 
stop Ryoga, not even the medieval mace that Genma threw into 
the air.  Not even the pairs of rusty training weights Genma 
is holding.  Nothing will stop Ryoga from going medieval on 
Ranma.  Not even the mace that bounced off his skull or the 
rusty training weights that landed on him, or the various 
other heavy blunt objects that followed.  

Ryoga ignored the pain, the headaches from the heavy blunt 
objects using his skull as a landing site.  In the 
adrenaline rush he could only feel a light tap on his head 

>from each impact.  By the time Ryoga was close to Ranma 

there were already 5 or 6 bumps on his head.  Ryoga saw his 
chance for some payback and without stopping he swung at the 
smaller boy's back.  

It is obvious that you are trying to put in some comic relief
into this but it definitely isn't working. Also, Ranma was
never one to allow someone to interfere in a fight. He was
never one to cheat in a fight also. He would use misdirection
but never cheat.

+++++++++++

Ranma knew at once something was wrong from the bone 
shattering roar.  He had pushed Ryoga too far and now there 
was no way to stop the bigger boy from rushing at him.   

Instinctively Ranma knew the bigger boy was on the move.  He 
could feel it in the air so to speak.  Just before the he 

{the he : he}

Also place a comma after the word "air".

would be stuck down from behind Ranma took off running.  His 
quick reaction saved him from been knocked silly by mere 
inches.

Consider rewriting this. The way it's written it appears that
Ranma would be knocked down by mere inches.

With the raging boar on his tail, Ranma ran up the ring post 
in front of him.  With the speed he had gained Ranma 
performed a back flip off the post and over Ryoga's head.

Ryoga wasn't able to recover from his strike in time to 
stop.  Still carried by the momentum of his charge Ryoga 
slammed head first into the ring post that Ranma just leaped 
off of moments before.  

Remove the extraneous "of". Also, the last sentence requires
a comma after the word "charge".

The ring resonated with a loud ding resulting from Ryoga's 
head colliding with the iron ring post.  Ryoga head bounced 
off the post, dazed Ryoga swayed randomly then finally 
slumped onto the mat in a boneless heap.  

The last sentence requires some rewording.

Ranma landed with his back to Ryoga.  He heard a loud thump 

Without twisting in mid-air, Ranma should land facing Ryoga.
It's probably a good idea to write the twisting part.

>from behind which made him turn to look.  Ranma's face 

instantly grew a smile at his fallen opponent.  "I. did it."

Too many periods.

Ranma's grin was short lived.  The prone form of Ryoga 
stirred then slowly, the older boy got up from the floor of 
the mat.  "So coward, you think your little tricks could 
beat Ryoga Hikibi."  By now Ryoga was on one knee.  He 
looked up and stared hatefully at the smaller boy who was 
looked back at him in shock.  

Ryoga reached for his bandanas, in his eyes was a look of 
madness.  The kind of madness that gets you locked up in a 

{gets : got}

rubber room.  He undid the yellow strip of cloth then 
another and another.  As if possessing a never ending 
supply, Ryoga kept undoing bandanas from his forehead until 
he held 3 in each hand.  He looked at Ranma who was looking 
back at him in awe, then with a toothy grin he began to 
twirl the bandanas he was holding.

The strips of cloth were span faster and faster until 

{span : spun}

finally each bandana resembled spinning helicopter blades. 
"Now you die Saotome," Little regard was given for the 

Consider a period instead of a comma at the end of Saotome.

people sitting directly behind his opponent as Ryoga flanged 

{flanged : flung}

the buzz saw like bandanas in one hand toward his opponent.

Ranma saw the weapon coming but was at a loss to their 

{to their : as to their}

purpose.  "What can those stupid spinning thingies possibly 
do?"  Although he was uncertain he also didn't want to take 
a chance.  But it was too late.  While he was staring with 
his mouth hanging the spinning bandanas has crossed the 

{has : had}

ring.  Ranma reacted on instinct and jumped out of the way 
of one of the bandanas.  When his body was in the air one of 
the bandanas flew by his leg.  "Ahhh!"  A scream escaped his 
lips from the flesh tarring pain but he could see another 

{tarring : tearing}

razor sharp spinning bandana was flying toward his out 
stretch arm.  He immediately brought his arms toward his 
body.  It was close but at least he was able to keep his 
hand from being severed at the wrist.  

Ranma landed on the mat with a grunt.  He looked up at 
Ryoga's position and saw three more spinning bandanas headed 
his way.  One of the buzz saws was heading toward his nick 

{nick : neck}

another toward the left, at his arm.  Still another was 
heading toward his shins.  From his position still crouched 

{shins : shin}

on one knee Ranma jumped straight into the air. 
Unfortunately, this was exactly what Ryoga was expecting. 
Although Ranma was able to avoid the bandanas which passed 
harmlessly under his feet he wasn't able to see Ryoga coming 
at him with a jump kick to his stomach.  

Ranma had the air squeezed out of his lungs from Ryoga's 
kick.  Still in the air Ranma's body was pushed back by the 
moment of Ryoga's body.  Ranma landed and skid across the 

{moment : movement}

mat only to stop when his head was stopped by one of the 
ring posts.

Consider "his head bumped against one of the ring posts".

+++++++++++

Genma had tears in his eyes.  "Oh my boy is such a weak 
little girl, for shame.  For shame."

Ranma promptly bonked the bald man on the head for his out 
burst.  "I told you, I am NOT your son,"

Still with tears Genma suddenly grew a look of 
determination.  He grabbed Ranma by the arms and started to 
drag the beat up young man off.  "Come 'on boy, we're going 
on a training trip."

In the darkness of night, the streets of Crystal Tokyo were 
practical abandoned saved for two men in martial arts gi. 
The older of the two, a fat and balding individual, was in 
the lead.  While a younger man with his hair in a pigtail 
walked silently, following the older man.  The young man 
suddenly stopped and looked longingly at the shimmering 
crystal palace in the distance.  "Mama, I miss you so much."

"Keep moving little girl, we're wasting time."

"What did ya just call me.?"

Typically, the first chapter provides some clues as to how
Ranma is connected to the Sailor Senshi. But I guess you've
deliberately omitted that to keep your readers in suspense.
I'm not sure it's working though. At any rate, I'll look
forward to your next installment and see where you will
take this story.

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