Larry F. wrote:

    I noticed in Brian's comments that he said he found no real errors.
Guess I need to show him how it's done.  ^_-

You are quite the grammarian. :)

    No joke comments, though.  Sorry, I guess I'm just not in a mood where
I'm very funny...

I've been that way at times myself.

preservative oil, kept the scroll from disintegrating as it was forced

from

the rolled up tube its form had carried since the day it had been

completed.

    creation, it

    If the scroll has been in a damp cave for a decade, why isn't it

moldy?

It has a musty odor. I thought that would be enough emphasis on smell..

    'rolled up tube its form had carried' is stilted.  Suggest rewording.

Got it. That sentence did give me problems.

    I take it the cave in question was the one Happi was sealed into by
Genma and Soun?  If so, then that would mean they did it about the same

time

Genma and Ranma left on their training journey.  That doesn't seem to jibe
as a reasonable timeframe.

Good point. Made it in excess of a decade.

adoration on the beautiful and vast harem he owned. A bevy of the most
attractive women made up the composition of the harem, representing a
veritable mountain of breasts. And the panties, certainly the sheik had
spared no expense in outfitting the women in his palace of pleasure.

Even

Happosai had been hard pressed to liberate them all, but he had. That
success was one of the proudest accomplishments in his long life.

    lest the fat man use it on himself and unleash his

    'ill-gotten adoration' doesn't make any sense in the context.  It

sounds

like the sheik is the one doing the adoring.  Please reword.

Okay.

to make this single shot at eternal happiness count. What was the one

thing

he wished for more than anything else? The one thing that would be

eternally

out of his reach no matter how hard he tried?

    Suggest: A wish was something he most certainly deserved.

I did reword it, but in a different manner.

The answer struck him all at once, like a woman's slap when he tried to

show

them his appreciation by embracing their chest. He stared down at the
parchment and said, "I wish everyone else in the world were nubile young
girls with large breasts, that they had an unlimited supply of panties,

and

that they'll let a venerable old man like me grope them so that he can

enjoy

his twilight years in peace and comfort."

    Numeric agreement: 'like a woman's slap when he tried to show her his
appreciation by embracing her chest.'

Okay.

Feeling dirtier than ever, even if Happosai had failed to reach her,

Akane

headed for the bathroom until she spotted the green pillar of mist that
hovered above the scroll that had been left on the ground. "Now what did

the

little creep do? Set something on fire?"

    Suggest: Akane was about to head for the bathroom.  Then she spotted

Okay again. Thought that was off, but my mind couldn't come up with
rephrasing it at the time.

Akane pulled at her hair in frustration. This was too important for her

to

screw up. If she made the wrong wish, she'd regret it for the rest of

her

life, and there were too many things to wish for. Never before had she

been

aware of the importance of a second as they raced by, one after another
inexorably. A minute full of indecision was forever lost.

    Suggest: A full minute was forever lost to indecision.

Nah. I like it the other way. To my way of thinking, it sounds more
important phrased that way, even if it is a tad awkward.

The kitchen was behind her in an instant as she raced twice as quickly

to

the living room where the genie remained floating in the exact spot she

had

left him. There was twice as much mist in the room, and his form was
becoming less discernible. Only those yellow slits that served as his

eyes

remained unchanged.

    instant, as

    You used the word 'twice'... Well... Twice.

Heh. Will change.

some

lingering disease or equally premature death three months after the

crash

had been avoided. If the genie protested the addition, Akane could claim

she

had merely paused for breath. Less than a second had passed between
"accident" and "so", and he would almost certainly have to accept that

as

an

explanation.

    This part confuses me.  How could this phrasing result in their mother
being 17?  Was she supposedly involved in more than one accident?

Yep. Which where the wish went 'off' from what Akane was hoping for. None of
the girls were aware of the first accident. In fact, it is very important in
other ways as well. You'll see why early on.

the woman popped up next to Nabiki, wherever she was, they should still

have

proof of their mother's continued survival within a couple of hours. At
least that was what Akane hoped.

    As Brian noted, the master bedroom is on the first floor, next to the
family room.

Got it.

Kachinko Tendou looked strangely around the room, then leveled an

accusatory

finger at the gaping girls. "All right! You two got about three seconds

to

explain what you did to my house, or else there's going to be some ass
kicking going on, and from the looks of things, you two got more than

enough

butt to last me a while!"

    As a name, 'Kachinko' leaves something to be desired, IMHO.  It's too
close to 'Pachinko'.

Hmm. I rather liked it when I heard it somewhere. I definitely wanted to
diverge from the most used version of 'Kimiko' Not there's anything wrong
with it, just I wanted to be different.

Thank for the grammar corrections. It's amazing how many you can tally up
even in only 12k or so of work.

D.B. Sommer





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