Brian Randall wrote:
decades since its creation it had been subjected to every physical
punishment imaginable: Rain, fire, cold, and even five-year old children
armed with crayons. Being entombed in a damp cave for nearly a decade had
worn away the edges, and only a careful grip, along with a special
preservative oil, kept the scroll from disintegrating as it was forced
from
the rolled up tube its form had carried since the day it had been
completed.
The first instance of 'the scroll' scans awkwardly, because it's
referencing something we have no familiarity with. Now, this is just me,
and I'm usually wrong, but I would change the first 'the' to an 'a'.
Well, it is the subject of the setence, and the trigger to the rest of the
fic. I thought it best to emphasize that with 'the' rather than 'a'.
The last sentence is quite long, too.
I cut that into two at 'edges' and started the next with 'Only'
veritable mountain of breasts. And the panties, certainly the sheik had
spared no expense in outfitting the women in his palace of pleasure. Even
Happosai had been hard pressed to liberate them all, but he had. That
success was one of the proudest accomplishments in his long life.
Now that's an image.
Actually I'm not sure if it's clear. He didn't 'liberate' the women. It was
the underwear. I reworded it so that's clearer.
The answer struck him all at once, like a woman's slap when he tried to
show
them his appreciation by embracing their chest. He stared down at the
parchment and said, "I wish everyone else in the world were nubile young
girls with large breasts, that they had an unlimited supply of panties,
and
that they'll let a venerable old man like me grope them so that he can
enjoy
his twilight years in peace and comfort."
ACK!
Well, it is what he likes to do best and a wish is the only way he'd get to
do it.
Nothing happened.
Whew!
Yeah. Someone pointed out that there was a fic that Happi made this wish and
did pull it off. *Shudder*
"Klatuu. Barada. Necktie."
HAH!
Now, is this attributed to Evil Dead, or The Day the Earth Stood
Still?
Answer at end. :)
"Get away from me, you pervert!" Akane yelled as her fist met Happosai's
jaw
right before he could land in the valley, or at least relatively large
ditch, that her cleavage created.
Oooh....
Not sure what that's about, unless you thought Happi had succeeded in his
wish before that.
Small wisps of vapor began to peel away from the genie's form and hung in
"I have my wish!" Akane gasped. It took her a moment to figure out how to
phrase the question so that it was simple enough to not be
misinterpreted.
Satisfied with the phrasing and unwilling to waste another second lest
she
lose this chance, Akane said, "I wish my mother had never been in a car
accident."
That's.... Hrm. This should be interesting.
Oh yes. At least I hope so.That premise is what the fic revolves around.
Akane looked all around. She didn't feel any different. Why didn't she
remember her mother not dying in a wreck? Had she just magically appeared
upstairs in their father's bedroom and everything else remained the same?
Perhaps she had appeared somewhere else, but Akane had specifically
requested that her mother "be with us (meaning her family) today." Even
if
the woman popped up next to Nabiki, wherever she was, they should still
have
proof of their mother's continued survival within a couple of hours. At
least that was what Akane hoped.
Minor note -- I think Soun's room is on the first floor.
Gotcha. Cut the 'upstairs' bit.
arms and legs showed that she possessed a sort of wiry strength. Her
chest
was somewhat demure, though at the same time there could be no doubts
concerning her femininity. She was on the attractive side, Kasumi
comparing
her closely to Akane in appearance, though she could see some of Nabiki
in
the face as well. Akane's observations noted the same thing. The close
resemblance was made all the more uncanny by one simple fact:
I'm a bit confused as to how her chest can be 'demure'....
In the sense it's modest in size. Not big or busty.
Kachinko Tendou looked strangely around the room, then leveled an
accusatory
finger at the gaping girls. "All right! You two got about three seconds
to
explain what you did to my house, or else there's going to be some ass
kicking going on, and from the looks of things, you two got more than
enough
butt to last me a while!"
Very interesting.
As I said, I hope so.
Yes, the words are a parody from 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' just
like
>from Army of Darkness. How can you go wrong referring to those two
classics
of the film industry? ^_^
I got one! Neatness!
Yep.
Honestly, I came up with this idea long before I saw the Battle Athletes
TV
series. As soon as it hit those last few episodes, I said to myself,
"Well,
looks like I'm not the only one that thought such an idea has a great
deal
of mischievous potential." Things will not take quite the same course
obviously, but there might be a handful of similarities as well.
Hopefully
I'll be right, though only future chapters will be able to see if I can
execute things in an enjoyable manner.
Mmm.... Battle Lesbians. I remember that anime.
Bah. The OVA's were much better. Although they weren't ALL lesbians. You had
your token heterosexual with Jesse's rival with the silver hair getting
married to and knocked up by her coach. :)
This is the next 'sizable' project I have planned once I'm done with the
cur
rent arc of Avenging. Tenative schedule has me doing a two part Dual! fic
next (didn't have enough time to properly start it today or I would have)
and then the conclusion of the Herb arc in Avenging, then working on
this.
I've had it in my mind for quite some time, and discussed it with the
gang
on FFIRC a while back. It seemed to meet with favorable responses there,
so
hopefully the same will happen here.
Which fould cur rent Avenging? Is THAT why there's a part A and a
part B?
It's part A and B because of size. Probably two more chapters to go for
Avenging. Not sure on their size yet, though.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for writing! I noticed, um, no real errors. At all. I might
have missed them, but it was an intriguing read.
And I'll try to have C&C for the last section of Avenging shortly,
but no promises. >_<
No problem. I'm the last person in the world that has a right to complain
about C+C being late. After all, I'm still more than a month behind in my
own list, and that's the closest I've been to completing it in a while. :)
Thanks for the comments.
D.B. Sommer
D.B. Sommer
--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a kind
grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.
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