Nice to see a story from you, Vincent; it's been too
long! (Well, there have been those two El Hazard fics, but...)
(This is going to have to be just part 1 of my feedback.
I wrote this much last night, then had my computer crash
on me. So I'd better get this out now. Hopefully the
rest will follow.)
Chapter 5: Hello, Nurse!
~~~~~
The gate in the wall around the Tendo property, an imposing
structure of heavy wood, black iron, whitewashed stone, and blue
tile, dominated one side of the small street like a sentry armed
in the panoply of bygone days. Tendrils of mist rose from the
wood as the rays of the sun struck dew deposited there in the
cool of the spring morning.
While reasonably nice description, this doesn't have very much
to do with your story, which, BTW, starts off remarkably slowly,
considering the wacky way it careens along later. Not sure what
I'd suggest, other than possibly skipping the prelims and
cutting direct to the pair's encounter with Tofu-sensei. This
opening doesn't work like some of Alan's, where the words themselves
slow down the eye; read aloud, most of this paragraph goes pretty
fast.
Fifteen minutes later they were back, jogging side by side
up the street, Akane looking flushed and happy, Ranma bright-eyed
and bushy-pigtailed. Ranma opened the gate and held it for Akane
"bushy-pigtailed"? I missed that first time through; thought it
was just "bushy-tailed". Nice combination, though.
"There's always training," Ranma suggested.
"Hmm... we could go on a training trip, just the two of
us...." Akane glanced sidelong at Ranma just as he glanced back
at her. Imagination took over.
Akane faced off Ranma lounged in the
against Ranma in a forest shade, watching as Akane
clearing. Suddenly she wore herself out attacking
attacked, a whirlwind of a waterfall. "Right, just
punches and kicks blocked like that," he called, then
expertly by her sparring took a sip from his drink.
partner, faster and faster.
The yatai by the side
Curry bubbled in the of the road displayed a
pot over the campfire. tempting array of grilled
Akane stirred it, then delicacies. Ranma handed
ladled out a generous over coins and accepted
portion and handed it laden skewers from the
across to Ranma, who licked proprietor, passing Akane
his chops in anticipation. her share.
Nestled under the The small dome tent
trees, the little dome tent rested in the forest. The
shook rhythmically. A cry peaceful spring night was
pierced the stillness of serenaded by the soft sound
the night: "KYAAAAA!" of snoring from within.
Akane blushed. Ranma nodded, smiling. "I guess we could,"
he said.
Heh. Loved this bit. Effective way to convey, in print, one of
Takahashi's technique's: filling the panel with the character's
thoughts. Also _very_ effective in setting up the misunderstanding
to come.
Akane took his arm and hugged it close. "I sure will... and
I'll make sure you do, too."
"I mean, you're pretty good, but you could be a lot better."
A frown creased Akane's brow. Her grip on Ranma's arm
tightened. "What?"
"After all, just because you're better than Kodachi doesn't
mean you can coast--"
Heh.
"Well, what did you THINK I meant?"
"Um...."
"Oh. Heh. That." Ranma put one hand behind his head and
looked up at the sky.
My, my, these two are really starting to understand each other.
Will wonders never cease?
"Good morning, Akane-chan, Ranma-kun!"
"Mornin', Tofu-sensei."
"Good morning, Tofu-sensei. I suppose I could have... but
you never asked me to, Ranma!"
"Well, I didn't ask you to THIS time, either, but you did!"
"Honestly, Ranma! Why do you always--" Akane suddenly
stopped both walking and talking and stared at Ranma. Ranma
stared back. "'Tofu-sensei'?!" they said together.
Heh. You had me going there for a moment; I was thinking that
he'd never left. It was clear from chapter 4 that he had; just
blame the time since, I guess.
"Nothing so dramatic," Tofu said, looking ashamed. "I took
a position at a hospital in Okayama for a while, that's all. I
You never use the fact that it's Okayama for anything (in this chapter,
at least). I was expecting a Tenchi cameo when I hit this,
but Tenchi cameos seem out-of-tone for this series.
I'm not surprised. I was sure you two had hit it off."
"That's a real good way to put it," Ranma muttered. Akane
swatted him, still smiling.
Heh.
"So... any other marriages?" Tofu probed.
"Hell, no, Sensei," Ranma said in surprise. "One was
enough. More would be too, uh, dangerous."
It was Tofu's turn to look puzzled. "What are you talking
about?"
"The other fiancees," Ranma explained impatiently. "If I'd
married Ukyo and Shampoo too, I'd-- oof!"
"He'd be a dead man, and I'd make darn sure he didn't have a
smile on his face when he went," Akane said tartly, removing her
elbow from Ranma's ribs.
Heh. Little pointed barb at certain other writers, perhaps? (Me
included.)
"So what are YOU talking about?" Ranma asked, frowning.
"Is Kasumi-san married?" Tofu burst out.
"Aaaah," Ranma and Akane said together as the light dawned.
"No," Akane continued, "she's still single."
Seems rather dense for Akane, given the context. She can be
dense enough on other topics, but not this one, I would think.
Ranma had a sudden mental image: Akane, wearing only a
strategically-draped pink sash and sporting a tiny pair of
fluttering wings, swooped down on Kasumi waving a big hammer
decorated with red hearts....
Heh. Loved this bit too.
"Taro-kun." Akane expelled an exasperated sigh and appeared
to count to ten. "Listen, Kasumi, if you have the opportunity to
choose between a, a, a--"
"--an asshole--" Ranma supplied helpfully.
"--an ass-- a scoundrel," Akane corrected, glancing
warningly at Ranma, "like Taro-kun and a fine man like Tofu-
sensei, I'd think it'd be a no-brainer!"
Not sure I'd have Akane choose the word "scoundrel" here. Isn't
that how she'd describe Clark Gable's character in "Gone with the
Wind"? Or Han Solo? Granted, she doesn't have time to think, here,
but mightn't she realize later that many women find scoundrels
intriguing (herself included, when it's a movie)?
Kasumi thought about that for a moment. "I think perhaps he
needs me," she said slowly. "I'm sure you have some idea of how
important that is to me. But even so, he treats me like a
person, not a china doll-- or a domestic." Both Akane and Ranma
flinched a little at that. "Most of all, he makes me feel...
like there are possibilities."
That last line is very good, I thought; pregnant with suggestiveness
about why Kasumi might find Taro attractive.
"Well, you've said that before, of course, but I just can't
believe it. He's always been like that. Even when he first came
here to be apprenticed to Himura-sensei. You were still a little
girl, and I was in junior high; I couldn't have been more than
fifteen," Kasumi said with a disturbed look. "He was, what,
twenty-four then?"
"Well, you SAID you liked older men," Akane pointed out. "I
guess he, um, was interested in you even when you were young--
er. Younger, I mean."
Kasumi didn't say "eeeew," but she appeared to be thinking
it.
I think this is an Americanism, transposed to Japanese culture.
Actually, MOST other cultures wouldn't find 24-15 all that upsetting;
(after all, you've got to get the girls married off while they're
still virgins, or you'll have a scandal on your hands).
Seriously, ridiculously older men is a convention of sorts for
shoujo anime; look at Cardcaptor Sakura, or Sailor Moon. So where
does Kasumi get this idea? She has no one else to be protective
about; it's just her, at fifteen, attracting a man 50 percent older
than herself, in the face of older (and more developed) competition.
Even now, the idea should bring a smile to her face, I'd think.
taking care of us then. The responsibility must have aged you
pre-- argh." She shut up, kicking herself mentally.
Though that's a nice joke to have to give up...
"Well, maybe," Kasumi said doubtfully, appearing not to have
noticed Akane's gaffe. "Still, now he's thirty or so... I'm not
sure I like them THAT old."
This, too, seems a trifle off, somehow. Even in our culture,
there's a lot of 21-year-old women getting together with 30-year-old
men.
Tofu's eyes widened behind his glasses. "You know, so am
I," he said. "Frankly, it just never occurred to me. I'll see
if I can come up with something."
Somehow, the first time through I never associated this idea with
Ranma's making the suggestion, or with any Ranma character's trying
to do something with strange herbs. I actually thought it would
work.
"Guh-girlfriend?" Akane stuttered, hairs springing out all
around her head.
You use this description several times; I thought it effective,
though you might work on it a bit: individual hairs? "poinging"?
"Did I really look like that?" Ranma said to Akane out of
the corner of his mouth as Tofu tried in vain to pry Gertrude off
without groping sensitive bits. Akane nodded again, curtly.
"Huh. Well, he must not have done anything wrong, then."
That succeeded in diverting Akane's attention. "What?!"
Ranma shrugged. "Hey, if I looked like that when I hadn't
done anything wrong, then if he looks like that, he didn't,
either. It stands to reason."
"It-- it does not! And you did too!"
The explicit paralleling to Ranma-Shampoo works well also, I
thought. It provides insight into Ranma and Akane, as they witness
this, and cuts down on the instinctive reaction to the improbability.
"And so it was, Liebchen. I didn't tell anyone else."
Gertrude smiled again, indulgently. "Your Japanese addresses
make no sense, though, not like good, orderly German towns.
You could do a LOT with a German character prone to such judgements
in Japan. (I remember encountering a German in India once, who
commented, on seeing a crush at a train station, "If it were me,
I vould haf one, orderly line here!")
Tofu's answer was preempted by the door flying open again.
"Ow! I'm goin', I'm goin'!" Ranma stumbled out into the room,
stopped, and posed, one knee flexed to display the shapely line
of her calf and her white pumps. Her bosom strained at the side-
buttons of her white nurse's uniform. Tofu and Gertrude goggled.
"Say it!" Akane hissed from the door.
I _really_ liked this, with Akane coming up with a typical Ranma
plan.
"Candy-stripper I say, and candy-stripper I mean. Give her
a piece of candy and she takes off her clothes, ja? Ach, you
men!"
A strangled snort came from Akane in the doorway,
I can just imagine Akane's reaction to that line...
"It will if you'll let me use enough of it," Akane muttered
darkly, giving Gertrude a glare of her own.
So Akane's been reading "Starship Troopers" now? ;)
"Something's wrong with this needle," Ranma complained. She
held it up. "It keeps, uh, bouncing off."
"It is tied in a pretzel-knot," Gertrude said in a
disbelieving tone. "What is your skin, concrete?"
"Just about," Akane said in a strangled voice. "Ranma, you
invulnerable idiot...."
Wasn't expecting the old Superman routine here... Despite Ranma's
resiliency in combat, I wouldn't have thought this would apply;
he does suffer cuts and scrapes, doesn't he?
OTOH, I'm not sure how else to make this particular contest funny.
"Or neither," Tofu said firmly before Akane could escalate
the dispute. "This has gone far enough. I'm sorry, Ranma, but
there's just no hope that you can defeat Gertrude-san in a
contest of nursing skills."
Ranma took this declaration with surprising grace, I thought.
Reminded me of Miko's "Monkey-Head Butting!", where Ranma accepts
the challenge to cook like Kasumi. Everyone tells him he's crazy
to have accepted the challenge, but he keeps at it, and eventually
wins.
Akane and Ranma collapsed in shock, quivered and twitched on
the floor for a moment, then sprang to their feet in unison and
confronted the doctor. "You SLEPT with her?!" Akane accused.
I like Akane here, particularly with what you do with it later.
>From Ranma, while I think shock appropriate, I'm not sure I buy
the confrontation. Suggest you leave Ranma quivering and twitching
on the floor.
"It's not what it seems," Tofu explained hastily. "You see,
Gertrude-san is afraid of mmm mmmph."
"Na, na, Doktor Tofu," Gertrude said, keeping her hand
clamped firmly over his mouth. "We won't tell Nurse Gertrude's
little weaknesses to strangers, ja?" Tofu nodded resignedly, and
she let go.
Akane and Ranma exchanged glances. *Weakness?*
THIS took a long time to develop... Suggest a reminder somewhere
in between (assume this is about the dark rather than octopi).
Akane with her gaze. "THIS is my rival? The perfect woman whose
name you stutter in your sleep?"
"No," Akane said slowly, "that would be my sister. I'm just
Akane. Saotome Akane, actually." She looked speculatively at
Tofu. "In your sleep, hmmm?"
Many women would forgive, or almost, at hard evidence of this.
(Gary's Akane from Prelude 9, for one.) That Akane does not makes
her very intriguing and unusual, I think; it also underlines, in a
way, exactly _why_, in the face of Nodoka, this version of Ranma
is going to stay very faithful to Akane. Not just because this
Akane is like this, but because this Ranma expects that reaction.
Tofu shrugged uncomfortably and glanced at Gertrude, who was
hanging on every word. "It's... hard to explain."
"I believe THAT," Ranma muttered under her breath.
Heh.
"Great plan," Ranma remarked, dodging a TV antenna.
"Well, I didn't see YOU coming up with anything!" Akane
retorted. She ran down the slope of a roof and leapt across to
the next. "If it was such a bad plan, how come you went along
with it?"
"Oh, prob'ly cause I would've come up with the same great
plan in about another five seconds anyway."
Or even quicker. Doesn't Akane realize that it was precisely
what Ranma would have come up with?
round trip to the clinic. "Oh, by the way, blue suits you."
Oops.
"He boffed her," Ranma stated.
"My goodness!" Kasumi's eyes widened. "With both of you
standing right there?"
Heh.
"Oh, I see," Kasumi said slowly. "Did he really? Well."
Akane nodded ruefully. "You can't possibly be interested in
him now."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Kasumi picked up another towel
and started folding it.
This Kasumi is twenty-one? And this Akane then eighteen?
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