R E wrote:
Hi Brian,
Steam rose lazily from the body which lay naked, its clothes long since
burned off. A faint hissing sound filled the air with every fresh wave
of water that splashed across the body.
Shampoo: He has a hot body. Too bad I killed him.
It would never have worked out.
He made an advance, she shot him down, he got the point. It's all over.
Aw, he's still totally hot for her.
"Because," Ranma said, pulling the tanuki away from Akane's
affectionate
hands and lowering it to the ground, "there are more dangerous
things in
this forest than tanuki."
While that's true, there are also more dangerous things than a
tankui in my fridge.
You really should throw that cheese out, my good man. I can smell it
from here, and I don't even live in the States. :)
I would, but it pays half of the rent.
"Stop fidgeting!" Cologne instructed, glaring down at the redheaded
girl
in the bed beside her. "It will be a while before you can even move,
so you might as well rest for now."
That makes it sound like they're in bed together.
Might want to reword it a bit. ;)
I admit it's not the most appealing of images. ;)
I imagine not. >_<
If it weren't for the occasional puff of condensed breath that rose
from
Ranma's mouth, Akane decided the cloaked girl could very well be
mistaken
for a statue.
I think you're using condensed as in condensation, but I've never
seen it used that way before. Just my opinion, mind you, but that
looks odd.
Really? Hrm, I've used it in that manner before, so it doesn't appear
odd to me. However, it might just be a quirk of my vocabulary, so
I'll modify it a little.
Well, no two people are the same, and there's nothing wrong with it,
(that I know of) it just... well... looked odd. :p
"Consider that your punishment. You dishonoured yourself in battle;
prove
your honour to that boy and you will redeem yourself."
I fail to see how she dishonored herself -- the events that
transpired were completely beyond her control, given that she was acting
under Cologne's orders.
Cologne told Shampoo to get the sword, she didn't tell her to knock
Ranma off a cliff.
"Let them surrender," Cologne commanded. "There will be no more deaths
today."
Ah, right. Too much time between chapters, I think. I forgot. :p
Another snarl from Ranma. And how do we know what Ranma's thinking?
I had thought that this was from Akane's PoV.
Uhh... Akane's latent psychic abilities?
Wrong fic!
Aheheh.. ahem. Err. I'll fix this up too.
Right, right.
"Are you all right?" Ranma asked Akane, peering sideways to catch a
glimpse
of the Tendo girl struggling to breathe.
all right -- alright (I think)
I've often wondered about this. I've written a few fanfics in my
time, and sometimes I get C&C saying 'alright' should be 'all right',
sometimes I get C&C saying the opposite. I don't know if it's an
American thing or just differing opinions between various writers.
http://www.dictionary.com/search?q=alright&r=2
Depends on what you think. I tend to pronounce it as a single word
when I speak it, so I suggest the shortened version. Of course, this is
dialogue, so I would think that if you can write in slurs and speech
impediments, 'alright' would be just fine, all things considered.
But, I'm probably wrong.
Well, it was interesting. I hope I was able to help, and good luck
with the rest of your story!
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for your comments. I must say
your C&C is always most helpful.
Glad I could help, I guess, though Gary Kleppe said that he'll start
C&Cing for you, since I was wrong. ;) Hope he can help you more than I have.
Keep an eye out for chapter 4, it should be along shortly.
I will.
Thanks again!
Regards,
R. E.
========
Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.
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