Hi Brian,

    Righty-o. Let's see if I can offer anything constructive, then. Feel
free to ignore anything I say, as most of it will likely be useless.

I somehow doubt it will be.  :)

In the distance, a small, burned body lay face-down in the sand.  Waves
lapped rhythmically over it, gently cradling the motionless body back and
forth.

    cradling -- rocking (I'm not sure, I guess cradles rock, but....)

    Doesn't the 'back and forth' preclude the 'motionless'?

Hrm, that's true.  I think 'lifeless' might be a better word in this case.

Shampoo was abruptly brought to a halt by the sickening stench of burned
flesh that assaulted her nostrils.  Skidding to a stop, she had to fight
the retching that suddenly gripped her stomach.

    Another instance of 'burned' only a few paragraphs down -- perhaps
'scorched', 'charred', or 'seared'?

I'll play with some heated adjectives and see what I can come up with.

Steam rose lazily from the body which lay naked, its clothes long since
burned off.  A faint hissing sound filled the air with every fresh wave
of water that splashed across the body.

    Shampoo: He has a hot body. Too bad I killed him.

It would never have worked out.

He made an advance, she shot him down, he got the point.  It's all over.

Sheathing her sword, Shampoo leaned forward and gingerly placed a hand on
Ranma's shoulder, using it to turn the burned girl over onto her back.

    If the ocean is hissing and steaming from contact with Ranma's body,
that's going to be pretty painful for Shampoo.

True.

"Ow!" exclaimed Shampoo.

Problem solved.  :)

Shampoo's mind boggled as she tried to decide what course of action to
take.  Her train of thought was interrupted, however, as she noticed a
small red symbol on Ranma's stomach, just above the sword wound.  She
did not recognise it; she did not need to recognise it to feel unsettled
by it.

    Ah....

    Though that's a pretty basic kanji, and both China and Japan use the
same kanji (though I understand that China uses more of them).

Nicely observed, but:  Shampoo can't read.

"This can't be good ...."

    I suspect that Shampoo is saying this, but I can't be certain.

Hmm, okay, I'll fix that.

"Because," Ranma said, pulling the tanuki away from Akane's affectionate
hands and lowering it to the ground, "there are more dangerous things in
this forest than tanuki."

    While that's true, there are also more dangerous things than a
tankui in my fridge.

You really should throw that cheese out, my good man.  I can smell it from 
here, and I don't even live in the States.  :)

The tanuki realised this as well, darting away into the bushes and
scampering away from the humans as fast as it could.

    Repetition, away. (I'd drop the first instance).

I agree.  It's been removed.

"That's all I want," Akane replied, a determined edge to her voice.  The
rumble that her stomach emitted was no less determined.  "Although some
food would be nice."

    I thought she wanted more, originally.

She does; she's just a little focussed on the revenge aspect right now.  As 
she learns more, she'll once again start thinking about a larger picture.

She desires to find out more about her mother, and those who killed her, but 
her immediate goal is making whoever killed her mother pay for what they 
did.

"Stop fidgeting!" Cologne instructed, glaring down at the redheaded girl
in the bed beside her.  "It will be a while before you can even move,
so you might as well rest for now."

    That makes it sound like they're in bed together.

    Might want to reword it a bit. ;)

I admit it's not the most appealing of images.  ;)

Akane looked over at her travelling companion, who seemed to have sunk
back into herself, eyes staring blankly off into the far distance.  Akane
watched Ranma for a moment, wondering how the girl held herself so still;
somehow Ranma seemed to glide, motionless, across the ground, her cloak
making no sound as it was drawn across the grass.

    'gliding' and 'motionless' seem somewhat contradictory. Maybe
'without moving her feet'?

I pondered this one for a while when I was writing it, and in hindsight I 
think you're right.  I'll change it.

If it weren't for the occasional puff of condensed breath that rose from
Ranma's mouth, Akane decided the cloaked girl could very well be mistaken
for a statue.

    I think you're using condensed as in condensation, but I've never
seen it used that way before. Just my opinion, mind you, but that looks 
odd.

Really?  Hrm, I've used it in that manner before, so it doesn't appear odd 
to me.  However, it might just be a quirk of my vocabulary, so I'll modify 
it a little.

    Cologne: Explain that the arrow was simply the Amazon way of greeting.

    Shampoo: Somehow, I don't think that will work.

Shampoo: Just because it's true doesn't mean he'll believe it.

"Consider that your punishment.  You dishonoured yourself in battle; 

prove

your honour to that boy and you will redeem yourself."

    I fail to see how she dishonored herself -- the events that
transpired were completely beyond her control, given that she was acting
under Cologne's orders.

Cologne told Shampoo to get the sword, she didn't tell her to knock Ranma 
off a cliff.

"Let them surrender," Cologne commanded.  "There will be no more deaths
today."

Feeling her grip upon consciousness wavering, Ranma was unable to stop
herself from tumbling back down into the thick blackness below her, the
echoing voices chasing her back into the dark, empty ocean.

    Repetition of consciousness, there.

I get that quite often; I must stop drinking so much coffee.

"All in good time, Akane," Ranma replied, arm vanishing beneath the pitch
black fabric of the cloak, "all in good time."

    I think after Ranma's action, you might want a full stop before "all
in good time."

Okay, will do.

Ranma pulled her cloak tightly around Akane and yanked her aside moments
before the source of her suspicion landed where the Tendo girl had been
standing.  Backing off, Ranma snarled, releasing a shivering Akane from 

the

protection of her cloak.

    Ah, that's a rather jarring PoV shift, there.

Hrm, good point.  I had hoped to avoid them; I'll see what I can do to make 
things a little smoother in this section.  I tend to let the pov wander 
around if I'm not careful.

Ranma snarled, having long ago recognised her assailant.  Her suspicions
were only confirmed as the girl stepped out from the shadows, into a 

small

shaft of light cast down by the fading sun.

    Another snarl from Ranma. And how do we know what Ranma's thinking?
I had thought that this was from Akane's PoV.

Uhh... Akane's latent psychic abilities?

Aheheh.. ahem.  Err.  I'll fix this up too.

"Are you all right?" Ranma asked Akane, peering sideways to catch a 

glimpse

of the Tendo girl struggling to breathe.

    all right -- alright (I think)

I've often wondered about this.  I've written a few fanfics in my time, and 
sometimes I get C&C saying 'alright' should be 'all right', sometimes I get 
C&C saying the opposite.  I don't know if it's an American thing or just 
differing opinions between various writers.

"Uh," Akane muttered, taken by surprise, "O-okay ...."

    O-okay -- should not be capitalized, as it's a continuation of the
prior dialogue.

Whoops.  Consider it fixed.

    Well, it was interesting. I hope I was able to help, and good luck
with the rest of your story!

I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for your comments.  I must say your C&C 
is always most helpful.

Keep an eye out for chapter 4, it should be along shortly.

Thanks again!


Regards,
R. E.
========
Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.
========


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