Since you said please! (Actually, it's about time I got back to
contributing!)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Elric Lawry" <daeore@hotmail.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Saturday, March 23, 2002 8:54 AM
Subject: [FFML] Trying to hammer out style. C&C please?
The young boy found himself in a vast expanse of what could only be
called... nothing. A great void, where he stood (floated?) he
^^don't use a space after the ellipsis
saw nothing
but blackness. But dispite the compleat emptiness his
^despite ^complete ^you
left out "of"
surroundings, he
looked about with wonderment.
"Where am I?" The young boy asked, not expecting an answer, it seemed a
question of reflex.
The boy felt somthing in his surroundings change, he couldn't put his
finger on what. But The voice behind him told him all he needed
^^I don't believe you need to capitalize
The
to know.
He turned.
"You are in my realm. A little pocket of my own creation, outside of
time
and space." The man before him replied.
^^space," the man (it's all part of one sentence)
The boy stepped (drifted?) back a pace, looking at the one before him.
The
man was naked, his only posession a sword, kept in a black
^possession
metallic sheath,
of what was definatly chinese in design, and placed for
^^which was definitely Chinese
modesty's sake in
front of him. The rest of him was very very pale, the colour of a
person
who has spent absolutly no time in the sun if it could be helped.
^^absolutely
The boy
looked into the man's face, fine cheekbones, slightly hollow
cheeks, thin
You might want to make this a little clearer. At first the reader might
wonder who is being described--the boy or the man he is gazing at.
lips and eyes the seemed too hard, to sad.
^^too
"Who are you?" The boy asked,
Again, it's one sentence, so it should read: "Who are you?" the boy
asked,
trying to hide the quiver in his words.
"My name is Daeore Dermegil. Exiled here in the year of 2000, by my own
doing."
The above might read better as one sentence: My name is Daemore Dermegil,
exiled here, etc.
He replied, then asked, "And you? Who are you, to have come here
to this place?"
"I'm Tommas, Tommas Minsuke." The boy managed before a
Again - one sentence: Minsuke," the boy
moment's faulter
^^falter
under those hardend steel grey eyes. "M... My sister and I
were trying
somthing... And there was a flash of light and sombody yelling
^^something
^^somebody
and then..."
Tommas's voice failed again, as he tried to remeber the
^omit the comma
^remember
prosession of
^^procession
events that brought him to this near empty place.
^^near-empty
"Hmm... Aspiring young mage perhaps?
(same note on ellipsis) aspiring - same sentence, so don't
capitalize.
You sound alot like I
^ a lot
did, once."
Daeore's eyes softened a little as he looked at the boy. Very young,
perhaps twelve, short, dressed in rugged looking grey jeans
^^rugged-looking
and an equally
robust looking white shirt, both showing the scuff marks one
^robust-looking
would expect a
twelve year old to collect. His face was round, slight almond
^he had slightly almond-shaped eyes
shaped eyes,
like his own, and a haphazzardly arranged mop of black hair.
^haphazardly
"Mage?" Tommas asked, his brown eyes curious. "You mean like a wizard
who
uses magic to fight monsters and stuff?" The quiver in the young boys
tone
was gone now, replaced with the eagerness one has when they want to be
told
a story.
"Close. Not all mages fight monsters. Some like to study, to find out
why
things do what they do. Like a scientist. Some use there tricks
^their
to make
themselves wealthy, or to gather influence among the normal people. "
Daeore sighed quietly. "But it isnt a fun as it sounds. At times, the
mage
has to make hard choices."
Tommas sat (fell?) and looked up at the man, "You sound like you speak
from
experience."
"Long ago, I was killed because of my power." A pause, "For I was a
very
powerful man indeed. I could make metal melt with a look, or freeze the
hottest things solid. But it wasnt because I was destructive. It
^wasn't
was
because I had tried to make somthing happen. I was too
^something
curious."
"All my teachers say that being curious is natural." Tommas
^natural," Tommas
said, looking
at the mage as if he had grown a second head. "And you cant
^can't
be dead!"
"Let me explain..." Daeore sat as well, placing the sword across his
knees. "In the year 2000, I discovered somthing magical. Not an
object,
but an event. I had discovered nine people who were tied together, like
destiny, or Fate." he paused to let this sink in, "This drew
^He
attention to
me... Deadly attention. Being a creature of curiousity, I didn't
^deadly
^curiosity
care.
So, I continued to look into this 'event'. Now, I wasn't blind to the
danger, so I planned ahead."
"Planned ahead? What did you do?" Tommas interupted, his
^delete a
space here
eyes filled with
curiosity at this story.
"I left behind a note, so if I did die, my love, whom the note was for,
would carry on." Daeore sighed with the memory of his love, but shook
the
vison away before it drew him in to far. "I was in fact killed, but,
^vision ^too
as
'they' held my spirit my love continued my quest."
"Putting the bits of the puzzle together, she had triumphed where I had
faultered. This 'destiny' was fulfilled, and a great power was
^faltered
unleashed."
Daeore paused to take in a breath, "I was no longer bound by 'them', and
was
free to gather that power, and bend it to my will."
"So you made yourself alive again?" The boy asked quietly,
^again?" the
"But wouldn't
'they' just kill you again?"
"If not them, then somthing else would." The mage sighed heavily, "But,
but
somthing else happend when I returned to the world, alive
^something
again. A second
wave of energy, was let loose. A paradox like the first. A
^omit comma
predestined
'Fate' had been pre-empted, and I was alive, when I should not have
been."
he smiled slightly, though it looked unnatural on his face, "I was able
to
use this power as well... But for somthing else." Another pause
^well...but
as he
gathered his words and blinked away a tear, "I knew that if I was killed
again, there would be no return from where 'they' would put me. So, I
used
the power from the two paradox events, and made them forget."
"Forget? Everyone?" The boy was puzzled.
"Yes. Not only did the universe forget who the great mage Daeore
Dermegil
was, but everything that could ever have a chance of being traced to my
existance was erased. Only a few unremarkable objects and a
^existence
few unsolveable
^unsolvable
mysteries remained." Finally, the denighed tear did fall, sliding
^denied
down the
mage's cheek slowly. "Even my love. I erased my existance
^existence
from her mind,
and sealed my power in her earings... Her favorite ones."
^earrings...her
"You sealed your power? You mean you locked it away?" Daeore could
almost
see a little lightbulb over the child's head.
"Yes. As I was when I found I could first use the arcane. I have all
the
skill I used to, but none of the capacity. A power plant operating on a
single chunk of coal." the Mage shrugged. "It was intentional, this
weakend state. I will draw less attention this way."
The boy smiled. "So the bad guys who killed you won't find you when you
go
back?" then Tommas paused and looked thoughtful. "How are you going to
get
back?"
"Now that you have awakend me from my thoughts... I can
^awakened
^thoughts...I
return at any
time." A pause, as Daeore reguarded the boy thoughtfully.
^regarded
"Would you like
to help?"
The boy's eyes widened with surprise. "Uh huh! Sure. But how?"
The mage stood, his right hand weaving a small pattern in the air.
"Close
your eyes and think of a familiar place. Your home, or back yard,
mayhaps
the place you vanished from." He closed his hand into a fist, and with
a
ruffle of cloth, he was clothed. A simple black pair of pants, a black
button up shirt, and a plain brown belt. The boy had already closed his
eyes, which were scrunched up in concentration as the mage belted his
sword
to his left side. "Ready?"
The boy nodded as Daeore placed his hand lightly on his shoulder.
"Good.
Then open your eyes, for we have arrived."
I hope my comments are helpful. I found this interesting, interesting
enough to keep me editing to the end. I did find myself wondering,
though, why the boy was not a little concerned about his sister. If they
were experimenting on something together, and he ended up somewhere rather
strange, I think it would be natural for him to wonder if something had
happened to her too.
June
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