R E wrote:
With profound apologies for the delay, here is the first draft of the third
chapter of "Ten". A much nicer looking HTML version (with proper
formatting, etc) is available at http://ten.waxwolf.com/chapter3.html for
those who might wish to read it there instead.
Righty-o. Let's see if I can offer anything constructive, then. Feel
free to ignore anything I say, as most of it will likely be useless.
Shampoo panted as she rushed along the burning sand of the beach, the heat
burning into her feet all but forgotten as she sprinted towards the ocean.
Her search had gone on for two hours, but any thoughts of tiredness were
banished from her mind.
Repetition, burning.
In the distance, a small, burned body lay face-down in the sand. Waves
lapped rhythmically over it, gently cradling the motionless body back and
forth.
cradling -- rocking (I'm not sure, I guess cradles rock, but....)
Doesn't the 'back and forth' preclude the 'motionless'?
Shampoo was abruptly brought to a halt by the sickening stench of burned
flesh that assaulted her nostrils. Skidding to a stop, she had to fight
the retching that suddenly gripped her stomach.
Another instance of 'burned' only a few paragraphs down -- perhaps
'scorched', 'charred', or 'seared'?
Steam rose lazily from the body which lay naked, its clothes long since
burned off. A faint hissing sound filled the air with every fresh wave
of water that splashed across the body.
Shampoo: He has a hot body. Too bad I killed him.
Sheathing her sword, Shampoo leaned forward and gingerly placed a hand on
Ranma's shoulder, using it to turn the burned girl over onto her back.
If the ocean is hissing and steaming from contact with Ranma's body,
that's going to be pretty painful for Shampoo.
Shampoo's mind boggled as she tried to decide what course of action to
take. Her train of thought was interrupted, however, as she noticed a
small red symbol on Ranma's stomach, just above the sword wound. She
did not recognise it; she did not need to recognise it to feel unsettled
by it.
Ah....
Though that's a pretty basic kanji, and both China and Japan use the
same kanji (though I understand that China uses more of them).
"This can't be good ...."
I suspect that Shampoo is saying this, but I can't be certain.
"Because," Ranma said, pulling the tanuki away from Akane's affectionate
hands and lowering it to the ground, "there are more dangerous things in
this forest than tanuki."
While that's true, there are also more dangerous things than a
tankui in my fridge.
The tanuki realised this as well, darting away into the bushes and
scampering away from the humans as fast as it could.
Repetition, away. (I'd drop the first instance).
"That's all I want," Akane replied, a determined edge to her voice. The
rumble that her stomach emitted was no less determined. "Although some
food would be nice."
I thought she wanted more, originally.
"Stop fidgeting!" Cologne instructed, glaring down at the redheaded girl
in the bed beside her. "It will be a while before you can even move,
so you might as well rest for now."
That makes it sound like they're in bed together.
Might want to reword it a bit. ;)
Ranma tried to follow Cologne with her eyes as the old woman turned and
walked away from the bed. Sunlight flooded into the hut as Cologne pulled
aside the cloth covering that hung across the doorway; Ranma squinted her
eyes as the bright light burned into them, leaving Cologne as a vague
silhouette against the doorway.
I think the second instance of 'her eyes' isn't neccessary. I can't
imagine what else anyone would squint. ;)
Akane looked over at her travelling companion, who seemed to have sunk
back into herself, eyes staring blankly off into the far distance. Akane
watched Ranma for a moment, wondering how the girl held herself so still;
somehow Ranma seemed to glide, motionless, across the ground, her cloak
making no sound as it was drawn across the grass.
'gliding' and 'motionless' seem somewhat contradictory. Maybe
'without moving her feet'?
If it weren't for the occasional puff of condensed breath that rose from
Ranma's mouth, Akane decided the cloaked girl could very well be mistaken
for a statue.
I think you're using condensed as in condensation, but I've never
seen it used that way before. Just my opinion, mind you, but that looks odd.
"You will take care of him. You'll be his guide, and show him the Amazons
mean him no harm."
Cologne: Explain that the arrow was simply the Amazon way of greeting.
Shampoo: Somehow, I don't think that will work.
"Consider that your punishment. You dishonoured yourself in battle; prove
your honour to that boy and you will redeem yourself."
I fail to see how she dishonored herself -- the events that
transpired were completely beyond her control, given that she was acting
under Cologne's orders.
Ranma groaned, sweat rolling from her forehead as the echoed voices of her
captors washed up on the shore of her consciousness, only to be swept away
again moments later by a wave of dizziness.
Feeling her grip upon consciousness wavering, Ranma was unable to stop
herself from tumbling back down into the thick blackness below her, the
echoing voices chasing her back into the dark, empty ocean.
Repetition of consciousness, there.
"All in good time, Akane," Ranma replied, arm vanishing beneath the pitch
black fabric of the cloak, "all in good time."
I think after Ranma's action, you might want a full stop before "all
in good time."
A silence descended upon them for just a moment, Akane becoming strongly
aware of the sound of her own heartbeat. Suddenly, she was surrounded by
impenetrable blackness, her screams silenced by the paralysing cold that
gripped her whole body.
Ranma pulled her cloak tightly around Akane and yanked her aside moments
before the source of her suspicion landed where the Tendo girl had been
standing. Backing off, Ranma snarled, releasing a shivering Akane from the
protection of her cloak.
Ah, that's a rather jarring PoV shift, there.
Ranma snarled, having long ago recognised her assailant. Her suspicions
were only confirmed as the girl stepped out from the shadows, into a small
shaft of light cast down by the fading sun.
Another snarl from Ranma. And how do we know what Ranma's thinking?
I had thought that this was from Akane's PoV.
"Touch her," Ranma warned, her voice dropping to a dangerous growl, "and
I'll tear out your heart, Ukyo."
Oh.
"Are you all right?" Ranma asked Akane, peering sideways to catch a glimpse
of the Tendo girl struggling to breathe.
all right -- alright (I think)
"Uh," Akane muttered, taken by surprise, "O-okay ...."
O-okay -- should not be capitalized, as it's a continuation of the
prior dialogue.
"Besides; I can usually beat Ukyo with my eyes shut," Ranma replied
contemplatively, looking up at the sky. "If I lost, You wouldn't have
stood a chance against her. I don't understand how she got so -fast-.
You -- you
= = = =
T E N
= = = =
Well, it was interesting. I hope I was able to help, and good luck
with the rest of your story!