What has gone before in "The Taming of the Horse": Ranma
began formally training Akane.  Ranma and Akane transferred to
St. Hebereke's School for Girls and made new friends there.
Cologne took Shampoo and Mousse back to China shortly before
Akane and Ranma's (successful) wedding.

Previously in "Centaur": Taro noticed Kasumi after she tried to
defend her kitchen from him.  Kasumi invited Taro to an omiai
(marriage meeting) which did not go well; they aren't engaged,
but they are still interested in each other.

     ~~~~~

This chapter is dedicated, with respect and understanding, to
Krista Perry, the first person to write to me about my fanfic.

Thanks to Dave Roeder and Darniil Entroth for prereading.

     ~~~~~

Centaur

a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Vince Seifert (seifertv@csus.edu)

Webpage: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/

Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 2002
by Takahashi Rumiko.  Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan
Inc.  Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc.  This work
is not intended to infringe those rights.

Chapter 5: Hello, Nurse!

     ~~~~~

     The gate in the wall around the Tendo property, an imposing
structure of heavy wood, black iron, whitewashed stone, and blue
tile, dominated one side of the small street like a sentry armed
in the panoply of bygone days.  Tendrils of mist rose from the
wood as the rays of the sun struck dew deposited there in the
cool of the spring morning.

     Snap!  "Hah!  Missed!"  One of the two doors slammed open
and Ranma cartwheeled out into the street, landing on one hand
and bouncing to his feet.  Akane followed, wearing shorts and a
cotton top, snapping her towel at Ranma and laughing.  She kicked
the gate shut, flipped the towel around her neck, and ran after
his capering figure.

     Fifteen minutes later they were back, jogging side by side
up the street, Akane looking flushed and happy, Ranma bright-eyed
and bushy-pigtailed.  Ranma opened the gate and held it for Akane
to go in, a small courtesy which she rewarded with a sunny smile.

     The sun hadn't risen much further before they came out
again, but instead of the usual two girls in the uniforms of St.
Hebereke's, Ranma was male and Akane wore a colorful dress.
"Come on, lazybones," she said, tugging on Ranma's hand.  "You
weren't planning to hang around the house all day, were you?"

     "Well, yeah, actually," Ranma said, but he allowed her to
drag him out the gate.  "Why not?  It's spring break."

     "Ranma, if you think I'm going to let you become a lump like
your father, think again.  We have two whole weeks off!"

     "Two weeks of not having to be a girl," Ranma agreed,
continuing to put up a token resistance.

     "Unless you want to.  But we could do all sorts of things!"

     "Like what?" Ranma asked, but he sounded more interested
than resentful.

     "Well, right now we can take a nice walk."

     "Gaah," Ranma groused, but he fell into step beside Akane
and shot her a fond sidelong glance.  "Haven't been this way in a
while...."

     "Well, it's the way to Furinkan-- Ranma!" she protested as
he jumped up to pace along the top of a wall.  "Stop that!"

     "Okay, okay."  He jumped down again.

     "I just felt like walking the old way."

     "I was walking the old way!  I walk on walls!  You walk on
walls too!"

     "I don't feel like showing the world my underwear.  Good
morning, Tanaka-san."

     "Morning, Akane-san."

     "Woof!"

     "At least it wasn't a ca-cat," Ranma muttered as they passed
the woman walking her dog.

     "Nobody walks cats, silly."  Akane swung her arms, enjoying
the sunshine, the company of her husband, and the delicious
feeling of the first day of vacation.  "So what would you like to
do for two weeks?  And don't say laze around the house."

     "There's always training," Ranma suggested.

     "Hmm... we could go on a training trip, just the two of
us...."  Akane glanced sidelong at Ranma just as he glanced back
at her.  Imagination took over.

          Akane faced off                 Ranma lounged in the
     against Ranma in a forest       shade, watching as Akane
     clearing.  Suddenly she         wore herself out attacking
     attacked, a whirlwind of        a waterfall.  "Right, just
     punches and kicks blocked       like that," he called, then
     expertly by her sparring        took a sip from his drink.
     partner, faster and faster.     
                                          The yatai by the side
          Curry bubbled in the       of the road displayed a
     pot over the campfire.          tempting array of grilled
     Akane stirred it, then          delicacies.  Ranma handed
     ladled out a generous           over coins and accepted
     portion and handed it           laden skewers from the
     across to Ranma, who licked     proprietor, passing Akane
     his chops in anticipation.      her share.

          Nestled under the               The small dome tent
     trees, the little dome tent     rested in the forest.  The
     shook rhythmically.  A cry      peaceful spring night was
     pierced the stillness of        serenaded by the soft sound
     the night: "KYAAAAA!"           of snoring from within.


     Akane blushed.  Ranma nodded, smiling.  "I guess we could,"
he said.

     "Oh, Ranma," Akane sighed, starry-eyed.

     "Yeah, you'll enjoy the workout," Ranma continued,
oblivious.

     Akane took his arm and hugged it close.  "I sure will... and
I'll make sure you do, too."

     "I mean, you're pretty good, but you could be a lot better."

     A frown creased Akane's brow.  Her grip on Ranma's arm
tightened.  "What?"

     "After all, just because you're better than Kodachi doesn't
mean you can coast--"

     "And just HOW do you know I'm better than Kodachi?" Akane
snapped, preparing to flip Ranma into a wall.

     Ranma gave her a you-dummy look.  "You beat her twice.  What
do you want, a trophy?"

     "Oh.  Heh.  That."  Akane blushed.

     "Well, what did you THINK I meant?"

     "Um...."

     "Oh.  Heh.  That."  Ranma put one hand behind his head and
looked up at the sky.

     "Good morning, Akane-chan."

     "Good morning, Suzuki-san-- look out, Ranma!"  Akane shoved
Ranma hard, catapulting him clear of the splash of water from the
little old lady wetting down the dust with her bucket and ladle.
Ranma flipped and landed neatly on his feet.

     "What the hell didja do that--  Oh."

     "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there!" the old lady
exclaimed.

     Akane smiled.  "That's all right.  Really, Ranma, you should
pay more attention," she chided him as she caught up.

     "Hey, it's not like I don't know she lives there, after all
the times she's gotten me.  It's spooky how she keeps splashing
me anyway...."

     "I didn't have any trouble seeing her.  It's just you."

     "Yeah, right.  Good save, though-- hey!  You coulda kept her
from changing me all along!  How come you never warned me before,
huh?"

     "Good morning, Akane-chan, Ranma-kun!"

     "Mornin', Tofu-sensei."

     "Good morning, Tofu-sensei.  I suppose I could have... but
you never asked me to, Ranma!"

     "Well, I didn't ask you to THIS time, either, but you did!"

     "Honestly, Ranma!  Why do you always--"  Akane suddenly
stopped both walking and talking and stared at Ranma.  Ranma
stared back.  "'Tofu-sensei'?!" they said together.  They turned
as one.  Four eyes widened and two jaws dropped at the sight of
the familiar figure standing on the walk outside the little
corner clinic.

     "Ah...."  Doctor Ono Tofu, chiropractor and moxibustionist,
gave a little wave of the hand that wasn't holding a broom and
smiled diffidently.  "It's been a long time.  How are you?"

     "Never mind how we are!" Akane burst out, hurrying up to the
wayward doctor.  "How are YOU?"  She put her fists on her hips
and glared at him.  "Where the heck have you BEEN?!"

     "Thereby hangs a tale," Tofu said.  "Actually, I was hoping
you would drop by."

     "Hah, you were hoping Kasumi would drop by," Ranma observed
slyly, clapping Tofu on the shoulder.

     Tofu's glasses fogged over.  "Ka-Kasumi-- no!"  His fist
clenched and his vision cleared.  Ranma and Akane took in his
determined expression and exchanged glances.  Tofu sighed and
removed his glasses.  "Oh, dear," he said quietly, polishing them
with a handkerchief and putting them back on.  "I was hoping....
But where are my manners?  Please come in, if you can spare the
time."

     "Of course we can spare the time," Akane said, following
Tofu into the clinic.  She looked around as Ranma perched on a
stool.  "It looks about the same as it used to."

     "It should," Tofu said.  "There wasn't any reason for me to
change anything.  I just gave the tenant notice and moved
everything back in."

     "And when was this?" Akane accused him.  "Why didn't you
call, or write, or something, to tell us you were back?  Come to
that, why didn't you tell us you were leaving?  No warning, no
forwarding address-- for all we knew, you'd fallen down a manhole
or something!"

     "Nothing so dramatic," Tofu said, looking ashamed.  "I took
a position at a hospital in Okayama for a while, that's all.  I
just reopened the clinic yesterday."

     "But--"

     Tofu held up a hand to interrupt her.  "I know, I know.
Er... before I tell you the rest, I'd like to know... ah... how's
your family?"

     Akane glanced at Ranma, a little puzzled, then looked back
at Tofu.  "Everyone's fine.  Why?"

     "Er... any marriages?"

     "You bet," Ranma put in, not noticing Tofu's intake of
breath at his words.  "Us."  He turned to display the ring
braided into his pigtail as Akane smiled proudly and held up her
hand to show off her own ring.

     "Oh," Tofu said in relief.  "Congratulations!  I must say
I'm not surprised.  I was sure you two had hit it off."

     "That's a real good way to put it," Ranma muttered.  Akane
swatted him, still smiling.

     "So... any other marriages?" Tofu probed.

     "Hell, no, Sensei," Ranma said in surprise.  "One was
enough.  More would be too, uh, dangerous."

     It was Tofu's turn to look puzzled.  "What are you talking
about?"

     "The other fiancees," Ranma explained impatiently.  "If I'd
married Ukyo and Shampoo too, I'd-- oof!"

     "He'd be a dead man, and I'd make darn sure he didn't have a
smile on his face when he went," Akane said tartly, removing her
elbow from Ranma's ribs.

     "Oh, of course.  No, that's not what I meant," Tofu said,
sounding a little impatient himself.

     "So what are YOU talking about?" Ranma asked, frowning.

     "Is Kasumi-san married?" Tofu burst out.

     "Aaaah," Ranma and Akane said together as the light dawned.
"No," Akane continued, "she's still single."

     "Is she, you know, seeing anyone?" Tofu asked anxiously.

     Ranma, about to answer, shut up when he felt Akane's elbow
nudge him again.  Akane shot him a glance, then spoke to Tofu.
"Sorry, Tofu-sensei, but that's getting a bit too personal for us
to answer.  You should ask Kasumi-oneechan that yourself."

     Tofu clasped his hands together and looked down at them.  "I
know, but... well... you know.  I left here because I couldn't
stand to make a fool of myself in front of Kasumi-san any more."

     "Well, why'd you come back, then?" Ranma asked bluntly.

     "Because I couldn't stand not to be near Kasumi-san, even if
I did make a fool of myself," Tofu confessed.  The silence that
followed made him look up at his guests.

     "That's a great reason, Sensei," Akane said softly.  Ranma
nodded in agreement.

     "Well, there were, er, a couple of others, but that's the
main one," Tofu said.  "But I couldn't bring myself to just knock
on your door and say 'Hi, I'm back!'  That's why I was hoping
you'd drop in, so I could find out how things stood.  I'm glad to
see you again too, of course," he added hastily.

     "And we're glad to see you," Akane said.  "It'll be good to
have you around again."

     "Dunno if I'll be quite as good a customer, though," Ranma
remarked.  "Akane's not clobbering me so much these days."

     "I told you she was a sweet girl," Tofu reminded him
genially.  "So, why don't you bring me up to date while I make
tea?"

     ~~~~~

     "Well, so much for the training trip," Akane told Ranma as
they ran back to the house.

     Ranma glanced at her, puzzled.  "Huh?  Why?"

     "We're going to help Kasumi-oneechan and Tofu-sensei get
together, that's why."  Akane's tone brooked no argument.

     Ranma had a sudden mental image: Akane, wearing only a
strategically-draped pink sash and sporting a tiny pair of
fluttering wings, swooped down on Kasumi waving a big hammer
decorated with red hearts....  "Heh.  It's kinda hard to think of
you as the Cupid of Love, but okay.  What's the plan?"

     Akane, still looking ahead where she was running, grimaced
in frustration.  "I don't know yet.  If only Tofu wouldn't go all
goofy when Kasumi-oneechan was around, she'd see what a nice guy
he is."

     "Hmm."  Ranma said no more as they vaulted the wall around
the Tendo property and dashed in the front door.

     Kasumi was still in the kitchen; she turned, holding a stack
of just-washed bowls, as they thundered in.  "Oh, hello, Akane,
Ranma," she said brightly.  "Back so soon?"

     "Onee-chan, you'll never guess who we just saw!" Akane
began.

     "Tofu-sensei's back!" Ranma followed up triumphantly.
"Yiii!"  Ranma darted in hot pursuit of the bowls flying all over
the kitchen; a very busy moment later, he had three in his right
hand, two in his left, and one on his head, all intact.  He
heaved a relieved sigh and stacked them on the counter.

     Kasumi, saucer-eyed, stared at Akane with both hands to her
mouth.  Akane rolled her eyes and addressed Ranma.  "You idiot, I
was going to break it to her gently."

     "Whaddaya mean, gently?"

     "Well, for starters, when she wasn't holding anything
breakable or sharp."

     "Whatever," Ranma said, shrugging.

     "Tofu-sensei?  Really?  This wouldn't be some kind of joke,
would it, Akane?" Kasumi said breathlessly.

     "Of course not, Onee-chan.  He's right back in his old
clinic where he used to be, as though he never left."

     "Oh, my."  Kasumi considered for a moment.  "Oh, dear."

     It was Akane's turn to stare in disbelief.  "What do you
mean, 'oh, dear'?  It's GOOD news!  Isn't it?"

     "Well...."  Kasumi wrung her hands, looking faintly
distressed.  "There's Taro-san to consider."

     "Taro-kun."  Akane expelled an exasperated sigh and appeared
to count to ten.  "Listen, Kasumi, if you have the opportunity to
choose between a, a, a--"

     "--an asshole--" Ranma supplied helpfully.

     "--an ass-- a scoundrel," Akane corrected, glancing
warningly at Ranma, "like Taro-kun and a fine man like Tofu-
sensei, I'd think it'd be a no-brainer!"

     "Would you?" Kasumi said, giving Akane a peculiar look.  She
indicated Ranma, whose pose of polite disinterest slipped a
little.  "You didn't choose Ranma because he was a fine man, did
you?  You chose him even though he was rude, uncivilized,
insulting, insensitive--"

     "Hey!"

     Kasumi smiled at Ranma, only a little apologetically.
"Forgive me, Ranma... but the point is that she DID choose you.
Has she ever told you why?"

     "Kasumi!" Akane protested.  Her ears were quite pink.

     "Oh, I'm sorry, Akane.  I thought that if my love life was
open to discussion, then yours was, too.  Never mind, then."  She
turned away and picked up the stack of bowls again.

     "But--!"  Akane cast a flustered glance at Ranma, who
appeared to be more intrigued than indignant, and ground to a
halt.

     "Not exactly," Ranma replied to Kasumi's question, eying
Akane and edging away a little.  Akane still looked tongue-tied.

     Kasumi finished putting the bowls away and turned to face
them.  "Well, then.  I'm just saying that it's not as reasonable
as that one man is nicer than another, or has more money... not
for her, and not for me.  I know a doctor with his own practice
is a better catch than a wandering martial artist, but...."

     "I just don't want him as a brother-in-law," Ranma muttered.

     Kasumi laughed a little behind her hand.  "Well, that's
honest, I must say.  But-- I'm sorry, but I can't let that stop
me."

     "Kasumi," Akane managed finally, "why?  Why would you even
consider Taro-kun?"

     Kasumi thought about that for a moment.  "I think perhaps he
needs me," she said slowly.  "I'm sure you have some idea of how
important that is to me.  But even so, he treats me like a
person, not a china doll-- or a domestic."  Both Akane and Ranma
flinched a little at that.  "Most of all, he makes me feel...
like there are possibilities."

     "Well, I suppose, but... what's wrong with Tofu-sensei,
then?"

     Kasumi gestured vaguely.  "Haven't you noticed how silly he
always was?  I mean, really; dancing with his skeleton, eating
plates... even though they say laughter is the best medicine,
sometimes I wonder how he keeps his practice."

     Ranma and Akane exchanged glances that shared a single
thought: how the heck do we explain THIS?  "Er..." Akane began,
then waved desperately at Ranma to continue.

     "He's only like that when you're around," Ranma blurted.

     Akane nodded quickly, biting her lip to keep herself from
telling Kasumi that Tofu loved her; that was for him to say.
Fortunately, it didn't look like Ranma was going to spill those
particular beans.

     Kasumi eyed them skeptically.  "No."

     "Yes," Akane and Ranma said in unison, nodding to confirm
it.

     "Well, you've said that before, of course, but I just can't
believe it.  He's always been like that.  Even when he first came
here to be apprenticed to Himura-sensei.  You were still a little
girl, and I was in junior high; I couldn't have been more than
fifteen," Kasumi said with a disturbed look.  "He was, what,
twenty-four then?"

     "Well, you SAID you liked older men," Akane pointed out.  "I
guess he, um, was interested in you even when you were young--
er. Younger, I mean."

     Kasumi didn't say "eeeew," but she appeared to be thinking
it.

     "Or maybe you looked older than you were," Akane improvised
hastily.  "Yes, I'm sure that's it.  After all, you were already
taking care of us then.  The responsibility must have aged you
pre-- argh."  She shut up, kicking herself mentally.

     "Well, maybe," Kasumi said doubtfully, appearing not to have
noticed Akane's gaffe.  "Still, now he's thirty or so... I'm not
sure I like them THAT old."

     "Now you're being silly," Akane burst out.  She wagged a
stern finger at her elder sister.  "Tofu-sensei's a great guy.  I
had a crush on him for YEARS.  He'd be just right for you, much
better than Taro-kun, and we're going to prove it to you."

     "'We'?"

     "You heard me.  Come on, Ranma."  Akane stomped out of the
kitchen.  Ranma shrugged at Kasumi and ambled after her, his
posture eloquently stating that he was letting Akane get away
with it just because he was such a nice guy.

     "Well!" Kasumi said softly to herself when they were gone.

     ~~~~~

     "OK, so now what?" Ranma asked as they hurried back to
Tofu's clinic.  "Jeez, I thought she'd be glad to hear Tofu-
sensei was back."

     Akane nodded.  "This is terrible.  I can't believe she's
really considering Taro-kun over Tofu-sensei!  She must be really
upset about the way he left.  I think she feels like he abandoned
her."

     "I dunno," Ranma said, shrugging.  "Every time I've had a
heart-to-heart with Kasumi, it's been about you, not about her.
I dunno what makes her tick."

     "Same here," Akane admitted.

     "Huh?  But you're her sister!"

     "Well, you're her brother!  Sort of...."  Akane's flash of
temper vanished, revealing the guilt that had fueled it.  "Oh,
Ranma, I DON'T know.  I took my problems to her, but she hardly
ever talked about hers....  I should have asked.  I should have
MADE her talk to me."

     "I dunno about that, either.  I've never seen Kasumi do
anything she really didn't want to do."

     "But--"  Akane broke off, frowning.  "There was that time
she--" she began triumphantly, but again frowned and fell silent.
"Well, maybe so," she grumbled finally, "but still.  We have to
stop her from doing something stupid."

     "Look, I don't exactly want Pantyhose-Taro in the family
either, but I think Kasumi's gonna do just what she wants no
matter what we do.  Push her hard enough and she might do
something stupid just because we're pushing.  She's just about as
stubborn as you are, you know."

     "I-- I am not stubborn!"

     "Are too!  Bii-da!"  Ranma bounded away, laughing.

     Akane dashed after him.  "RANMA!  Take that back!"

     ~~~~~

     Tofu looked up curiously when Akane and Ranma came into his
clinic, pausing to remove their shoes.  "Hello again.  I wasn't
expecting you so soon.  Any news?" he prompted.

     "Um...."  Akane looked at Ranma.  Ranma shrugged with a what-
are-you-lookin'-at-ME-for? expression.  "Well, we told Kasumi-
oneechan you were back...."

     Tofu craned his neck to look past them out the open door,
evidently hoping to see the eldest Tendo sister there; his
expression fell when she did not appear.  "Heh," he chuckled,
putting the best face he could on it.  "It was too much to
expect, I guess."

     "She wasn't indifferent, though," Akane said cautiously.
"That has to be a good sign."  She brightened suddenly.  "I know!
Listen, we're having a picnic tomorrow.  The cherry trees are
blooming.  Kasumi-oneechan will be there, of course.  You'd be
welcome."

     "Really?"  Tofu lit up, but Ranma fisted him in the arm when
his glasses threatened to fog over.

     "None of that," Ranma told Tofu firmly.  "You gotta quit
acting like a goof around Kasumi-oneesan, or you'll never get
anywhere with her."

     "Easier said than done, Ranma-kun," Tofu sighed.  "Just the
prospect of a date with Kasumi-san...."  He trailed off dreamily.

     "Hey, cut it out!" Ranma warned, punching the doctor again.

     "It might help not to think of this as a date," Akane chimed
in.  "You'll be there as our guest, not Kasumi's... and we'll try
to keep you from going off the deep end."

     "I'll do my best," Tofu promised without much confidence.

     "You know, for a guy who knows all those shiatsu points and
herbs and things, I'm surprised you never did anything to keep
yourself calm," Ranma observed.

     Tofu's eyes widened behind his glasses.  "You know, so am
I," he said.  "Frankly, it just never occurred to me.  I'll see
if I can come up with something."

     "Nice going, Ranma," Akane whispered admiringly, leaning
towards him.

     "Nothin' to it."  Smiling, Ranma buffed his nails on his
shirt.

     "Anyway, tomorrow at one, Tai Park.  Can you make it?" Akane
asked.

     "Absolutely," Tofu vowed.  "I really appreciate that you're
going to all this trouble for my benefit, Akane-chan."

     Akane blushed and looked at her hands.  "We're doing it for
Kasumi, too," she said.  "If you can make her happy, we're on
your side."

     "Well...."  Tofu seemed at a loss for words, but fate
deprived him of the chance to think of some.

     "Doktor Tofuuuuuu!"

     The glad cry from the street outside gave Akane and Ranma
just enough time to get out of the way as a white-clad figure
sped through the open door and flung herself on Doctor Tofu.
"Boese Junge!  Such a time you gave poor Gertrude finding you!"
She reached up to drag his head down and kissed him
enthusiastically.

     Recovering, Ranma observed that Tofu was frozen with his
arms up in a hapless warding pose; his intermittently-visible
face was quite pale.  "Look familiar?" he asked Akane, smirking.

     Akane nodded quickly without tearing her astonished gaze
away from the tableau before her.  "Um, excuse me," she managed.

     The woman adhering to Tofu turned, a surprised expression on
her face.  "Ach, forgive me, I didn't see you there," she said,
releasing the doctor and then seizing him again when he seemed
about to wobble off his feet.  "I was just so glad to see my
Liebchen."

     Now that she was stationary, Akane and Ranma were able to
get a better look.  She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, a
little younger than Tofu but older than Kasumi.  Her red hair was
her most singular feature, the kind of red that is nearly orange
and accompanied by a wash of freckles; she wore it short, a neat
no-nonsense cut under a starched white cap.  Her dress matched
the cap, and she filled it nicely.  She wasn't quite plump, but
if Ranma or Akane had known what "zaftig" meant, they would have
applied it to her immediately; she looked like she ought to be
wearing a dirndl and toting four mugs of beer in each hand
without benefit of trays.

     "You're a nurse?" Ranma blurted.

     "Yes," Tofu said, sounding resigned.  "Gertrude Nadelmann,
R.N., one of my former colleagues at Okayama Hospital of
Traditional Medicine."

     "You left out 'girlfriend'," Gertrude said, pinching Tofu's
cheek affectionately.

     "Guh-girlfriend?" Akane stuttered, hairs springing out all
around her head.

     Tofu waved his hands frantically.  "No, no, it's not what
you think!" he protested to Akane and Ranma.

     "It is so," Gertrude insisted, renewing her grip.

     "Did I really look like that?" Ranma said to Akane out of
the corner of his mouth as Tofu tried in vain to pry Gertrude off
without groping sensitive bits.  Akane nodded again, curtly.
"Huh.  Well, he must not have done anything wrong, then."

     That succeeded in diverting Akane's attention.  "What?!"

     Ranma shrugged.  "Hey, if I looked like that when I hadn't
done anything wrong, then if he looks like that, he didn't,
either.  It stands to reason."

     "It-- it does not!  And you did too!"

     "Heh.  So, you gonna clobber him, then?" Ranma asked
curiously.

     Akane looked startled.  "I wonder if Onee-chan would want me
to...."

     "No!  She wouldn't!" Tofu babbled, waving his free hand in
negation.  "Please stop it, Nadelmann-san, it's rude--"

     Gertrude let go and stepped back, straightening her uniform
demurely and primping her hair a little.  "All right, Liebchen.
But remember where we stopped, ja?"

     Tofu groaned.  "What are you doing here, Nadelmann-san?" he
asked.

     The nurse's face fell and her big blue eyes began to fill
with tears.  "You are not happy to see me?"

     "Er--"  Tofu capitulated.  "It's not that, I was just
surprised," he said weakly.  Ranma nudged Akane and raised a
meaningful eyebrow, and was met with a fierce glare.

     Cheerful again, Gertrude straightened to attention.  "I'm
here to assist you, Herr Doktor Tofu," she announced, clicking
her heels.  "A nice little clinic like this, you need a nurse,
nicht wahr?"

     "Er, well, I didn't have a nurse before," Tofu prevaricated.

     "You'll soon wonder how you ever got along without me.  I
have lodgings only five blocks from here, with streetlights the
whole way yet-- isn't that lucky?"  The nurse put her hands on
her hips and looked around and the clutter and boxes.  "I'll
finish unpacking and set up the files, ja?"  She started opening
boxes while Tofu's mouth opened and closed helplessly.

     "Come here, Ranma," Akane said suddenly, seizing his arm and
heading for one of the side rooms.

     "Awk!" Ranma yelped.  "Hey, leggo, ya brutal--!"  The
slamming door cut off his remark.

     "Nadelmann-san," Tofu began.

     "Na, na."  Gertrude wagged an admonishing finger.
"Gertrude.  Just three little syllables.  Komm doch, say it: Ger-
tru-de...."  She trailed off, nodding her head encouragingly.

     "Nurse... Gertrude-san," Tofu compromised.  Gertrude pouted
a little, but allowed Tofu to continue without further
interruption.  "Gertrude-san, what-- how did you find this
place?"

     "No!  Wait!" came Ranma's voice from the other room.  A
faint splash of water was heard, then a higher voice.  "What the
hell-- eeeep!  Leggo of that!"

     "It sounds like your young friends are having fun," Gertrude
observed with a smile before returning to the subject.  "You left
your address at the hospital, of course."

     "But-- I told them it was confidential!"

     "And so it was, Liebchen.  I didn't tell anyone else."
Gertrude smiled again, indulgently.  "Your Japanese addresses
make no sense, though, not like good, orderly German towns.  I
walked for hours trying to find this place.  Finally I found a
cab driver and told him to bring me here.  Five blocks only!"

     Tofu's answer was preempted by the door flying open again.
"Ow!  I'm goin', I'm goin'!"  Ranma stumbled out into the room,
stopped, and posed, one knee flexed to display the shapely line
of her calf and her white pumps.  Her bosom strained at the side-
buttons of her white nurse's uniform.  Tofu and Gertrude goggled.

     "Say it!" Akane hissed from the door.

     "Huh?  Oh."  Ranma addressed Gertrude.  "Tofu-sensei's
already GOT a nurse!"  She flounced over to Tofu's side and
hugged his arm.  "Right, Sensei?" she said through her smiling
lips and gritted teeth.

     "Er--  Ranma, what...?"  Tofu's eyes wobbled from Ranma to
Gertrude to Akane, and somewhere in the mazed recesses of his
mind a spark jumped.  "Oh, of course.  Heheh.  Gertrude-san, this
is my, uh, nurse, Saotome Ranma."  He put a hand behind his neck
and sweatdropped.

     Ranma had seen daggers looked at her before, but she had to
admit that Gertrude's expression reached a new high in jealous
hostility.  Suddenly the other woman turned half away and stuck
her nose in the air.  "Hmph.  You joke, Doktor Tofu.  This isn't
a nurse, this is just a-- a candy-stripper!"

     "Candy-striper, you mean?" Tofu hazarded.

     "Candy-stripper I say, and candy-stripper I mean.  Give her
a piece of candy and she takes off her clothes, ja?  Ach, you
men!"

     A strangled snort came from Akane in the doorway, but Ranma
wasn't about to look away from the German nurse.  "Oh, yeah?" she
riposted feebly.

     "Really, Gertrude-san, that was uncalled-for," Tofu said as
sternly as his blush would allow.  "I've known Ranma for a long
time, and hi-- er, her morals are beyond... I mean, she'll only
strip when... well, she's a nice girl anyway."

     "Hey!"  Ranma cast an anguished glance at the doorway, but
found no help there: Akane was shaking her head slowly with one
hand covering her face.

     "Hah.  You are not a cradle-robber, Doktor Tofu?  Nein?
Sehr gut.  Then what need for a girl when you have a woman?"
Gertrude's eloquent gesture compared Ranma to herself.  "I have
much more experience, ja?  In hospital, in kitchen, in bed...."
She smiled coyly as Tofu paled.

     "Where the hell do you get off callin' me a loose girl, you
damn fat floozy?" Ranma exploded.

     "Say 'aaaah'," the nurse suggested, popping up in Ranma's
face with a tongue-depressor.

     "Aaah," Ranma said obligingly, betrayed momentarily by her
own reflexes.

     "Zungen-zange!" Gertrude called in triumph, seizing Ranma's
tongue between two of the flat sticks.  "Such a mouth for a
child, I should wash it out with soap.  Kommen Sie mit; I'll show
you out."

     "Od-da'i', e'o a'ee!"  Ranma hopped after the pull on her
tongue, waving her arms in urgent circles.

     "What are you doing to Ranma?!" Akane yelled, preparing to
enter the fray.

     Tofu barred her path.  "Stop it, all of you!  Gertrude-san,
let go of poor Ranma's tongue right now!"

     "Yes, Doktor."  Gertrude freed her captive with a deft
motion.  Ranma staggered back, thinking up some really good
curses for when her tongue recovered.  The red-haired nurse
tossed the used tongue-depressors across the room to land neatly
in a bin labeled "Infectious Waste".  "There should be a lid on
that," she remarked, adjusting her cap.

     Ranma dabbed gingerly at her abused tongue, then directed a
glare at Gertrude.  "Grrr."

     "Miau," Gertrude responded, smiling sweetly.  She looked
surprised when Ranma cringed and paled.

     "Ranma, I appreciate what you're trying to do," Tofu said,
"but we're getting nowhere... and Akane, violence won't solve
anything."

     "It will if you'll let me use enough of it," Akane muttered
darkly, giving Gertrude a glare of her own.

     "I propose a contest," Gertrude offered.  "A test of nursing
skill."

     Ranma smiled grimly.  "Now you're talkin'."  She cracked her
knuckles.  "Winner gets Tofu-sensei."

     "Wunderbar," Getrude agreed cheerfully.

     "Now wait just a minute," Akane protested, a split second
before Tofu could.  "Ranma, you're out of your tiny little mind!"

     "Huh?  Why?"

     "What if you WIN?"

     "Well, of COURSE I'm gonna win.  I--"  Ranma slammed into a
conceptual brick wall.  "Oh.  Oops.  Let's make that the loser
has to leave Tofu-sensei alone, OK?" she said to Gertrude.

     "I like the first way better--"

     "The second way," Tofu said firmly, backed up by Akane's
fervent nod.

     "I understand, Liebchen.  You're afraid this child will
cheat her way to victory and trap you.  You should have more
confidence in your Gertrude."

     "Actually, I have lots of confidence," Tofu said under his
breath.  Akane glanced up at him, puzzled, then realized that
Tofu expected Ranma to lose... and the air of competence Gertrude
displayed certainly reinforced that view.

     "So, we begin," the redheaded nurse said to the pigtailed
mock-nurse.  "First, making the bed!"  She looked around, then
opened one of the side doors and nodded in satisfaction.  "The
bed.  And here are the sheets.  I will go first to show how it is
done."

     Ranma affected disdain, but Tofu and Akane watched in awe
from the doorway as the crisp bedlinens flew through the air.
With practiced economy of motion, Gertrude snapped the sheet
tight and folded the corners under, deployed the topsheet, and
slipped pillow into pillowcase.  "Wow," Akane said despite
herself, eyeing the immaculate result with envy.

     "And now the test."  Gertrude produced a five-yen coin,
peeled the topsheet back, and dropped the coin.  It bounced and
the nurse caught it.  "Done."  She quickly stripped the bed and
returned the linens to the box, then stepped back and gestured,
inviting Ranma to take her turn.

     Ranma stepped forward, eyeing the bed.  Akane saw her jaw
muscles work a little, a hint of the concentration she was
summoning up.  "HAAAAAA!"  She blurred into action, impossible to
follow with the eye, for a few seconds.  When she stopped, the
bed was made.  The imitation of the other nurse's technique of
folding the corners was clear, but the overall effect fell a
little short.  Still...

     "All right, you get to make the beds from now on," Akane
couldn't resist saying.

     "Gaah."

     "The test," Gertrude reminded Ranma.  "Ach, you have
probably spent all your allowance on candy and toys-- catch!"

     Frowning in annoyance at the jibe, Ranma picked the coin out
of the air, exposed the sheet, and flicked the coin at it.  Thud.
"Damn."

     "And there is something else," the redhead said, pointing
out faint streaks on the sheet.

     "Scorch marks?" Tofu said incredulously.  He gave Ranma a
disappointed look.  "Really, Ranma, the contest wasn't to see who
could make the bed the fastest."

     "Now you tell me!"

     "The winner is clear, I think," Gertrude said, examining her
neatly-trimmed fingernails.  Akane and Tofu nodded reluctantly
while Ranma fumed.

     "Next, self-injection."  Gertrude produced two paper packets
and odd-looking glass vials, and handed one of each to Ranma.
"Sterile saline, of course.  One CC into the left supinator
longus, avoiding the median vein, ja?"

     "The what?  Uh, I mean, sure, whatever you say."  Ranma
watched carefully out of the corner of her eye and imitated the
nurse as she took the syringe out of its wrapper, inverted the
vial, drew liquid into the syringe, cleared the air from the
needle, and injected herself on the inside of her arm just below
the elbow.

     "So," Gertrude said, disposing of the hypodermic properly.
"And how do you judge our techniques, Doktor Tofu?"

     "Er..."  Tofu sweatdropped and gestured helplessly at Ranma.

     "Something's wrong with this needle," Ranma complained.  She
held it up.  "It keeps, uh, bouncing off."

     "It is tied in a pretzel-knot," Gertrude said in a
disbelieving tone.  "What is your skin, concrete?"

     "Just about," Akane said in a strangled voice.  "Ranma, you
invulnerable idiot...."

     "I'm afraid you lose this one, Ranma," Tofu admitted.

     "Best three of five, then," Ranma forced out past gritted
teeth.  "What's next?"

     "Sponge baths," Gertrude said.  "Komm, Doktor Tofu, remove
your clothes and get into bed, and Nurse Gertrude will bathe
you."

     Tofu recoiled in shock.  "Ack!  No!"

     "What is the problem?  The others?  I thought people bathed
in company here...."

     "The furo is one thing.  Bed baths are something else!" Tofu
insisted.

     "Fine.  I will prefer to give you a bath in private anyway,"
Gertrude said with a smile and a blush.

     "No-no-no!" Tofu babbled, flushing.

     "I'm not gonna bathe him!" Ranma added indignantly.

     "Ah, then you concede the contest?"

     "Uh--" Ranma looked around frantically.  "I'll bathe her!"
she said triumphantly, pointing at Akane.

     Akane turned bright pink.  "Ranma, are you CRAZY?"

     "Look, it's either you or him!"

     "Or neither," Tofu said firmly before Akane could escalate
the dispute.  "This has gone far enough.  I'm sorry, Ranma, but
there's just no hope that you can defeat Gertrude-san in a
contest of nursing skills."

     Gertrude clapped her hands with glee and bounced over to hug
Tofu.  "Liebchen!  You chose me!  I'm so happy!"

     "Urk!"  Waving his arms, Tofu struggled to draw a breath.

     "Oh, I'm sorry-- there, is that better?"  She turned to
Ranma.  "Now you will keep your word and not force yourself on
Doktor Tofu any more, ja?" she said severely.

     "Yeah, yeah," Ranma conceded without grace.  She took off
the cap and perched it atop the bare skull of Betty, the mounted
skeleton, then eyed Tofu unhappily.

     Akane followed her glance.  "Tofu-sensei," she said
suddenly, "IS Gertrude-san your girlfriend?"

     "Well--"

     "He is my lover," Gertrude declared into the microphone in
her hand.  "Our eyes met across a crowded emergency room..." she
sang.

     "Ack!"  Tofu waved his hands, trying to stop her, but she
pressed on.

     "...his therapeutic massage sent shivers up my spine..."

     Tofu darted an anguished glance at Akane.  "That's not what
happened!"

     "...in my lonely apartment, a romantic atmosphere..."

     "It was a power failure!"

     "...on that fateful night, he made me a woman!"

     "YOU WERE 'A WOMAN' ALREADY!"

     Akane and Ranma collapsed in shock, quivered and twitched on
the floor for a moment, then sprang to their feet in unison and
confronted the doctor.  "You SLEPT with her?!" Akane accused.

     "Only afterwards," Gertrude put in, pink-cheeked.

     Akane managed to ignore her.  "But what about--"

     Tofu waved his hands desperately, then looked astonished
when silence actually ensued.  "I know, I know," he sighed.  "You
have to understand....  I thought I....  I couldn't help myself."
Behind his back, Gertrude nodded proudly.  "It was just the
once...."

     "What, you don't count our encounter in the linen closet?"
the nurse asked, incredulous.  "Twilli-willi-witt UND boom-boom,
Doktor Ost-wind-axe."  She fanned herself ostentatiously,
smiling.

     "It's not what it seems," Tofu explained hastily.  "You see,
Gertrude-san is afraid of mmm mmmph."

     "Na, na, Doktor Tofu," Gertrude said, keeping her hand
clamped firmly over his mouth.  "We won't tell Nurse Gertrude's
little weaknesses to strangers, ja?"  Tofu nodded resignedly, and
she let go.

     Akane and Ranma exchanged glances.  *Weakness?*

     "Speaking of strangers," Gertrude continued, "you have not
introduced this one."  She indicated Akane with a nod and waited.

     Tofu collected himself.  "Ah, yes.  Gertrude Nadelmann,
Tendo--"

     "--Kasumi?" the nurse interrupted, leaning forward to rake
Akane with her gaze.  "THIS is my rival?  The perfect woman whose
name you stutter in your sleep?"

     "No," Akane said slowly, "that would be my sister.  I'm just
Akane.  Saotome Akane, actually."  She looked speculatively at
Tofu.  "In your sleep, hmmm?"

     Tofu shrugged uncomfortably and glanced at Gertrude, who was
hanging on every word.  "It's... hard to explain."

     "I believe THAT," Ranma muttered under her breath.

     Gertrude snapped her fingers.  "Ach!  What happened to that
young man who was here?"  She went to the other room and looked
in.

     "He, uh, jumped out the window," Ranma called.  "Don't tell
her about the curse!" she hissed to Tofu and Akane.

     "Without his pants?"  Gertrude turned, holding up a pair of
trousers and a Chinese shirt.  "And he left a puddle, too."

     Ranma stalked over.  "Gimme those."

     The nurse gave up the clothing without a struggle and
continued.  "Are you sure you don't want to go back to Okayama,
Doktor Tofu?  This town is filled with perverts."

     Tofu coughed into his hand.  "Er, no, I've decided to stay
here.  If you want to go back, though, I'll understand...."

     "You stay here, I stay here," Gertrude said decisively.
Tofu slumped a little.

     "But we're going home," Akane said.

     "Are you going to tell HER?" Tofu asked anxiously, looking
up.

     "Would it be better if we didn't?" Akane riposted.

     Tofu was quiet for a moment, ignoring Gertrude's suspicious
frown.  "I don't know," he said finally.  "Do whatever you think
is best."

     "Good advice, Sensei," Akane said, glancing meaningfully at
his attractive nurse.

     ~~~~~

     "Great plan," Ranma remarked, dodging a TV antenna.

     "Well, I didn't see YOU coming up with anything!" Akane
retorted.  She ran down the slope of a roof and leapt across to
the next.  "If it was such a bad plan, how come you went along
with it?"

     "Oh, prob'ly cause I would've come up with the same great
plan in about another five seconds anyway."  Ranma's amused tone
punctured Akane's pique, and she spared enough attention from the
aerial path they followed to give her a surprised look.  "So how
come you stuffed me into this nurse's uniform instead of putting
it on yourself?" Ranma continued.

     "Um... the thought never occurred to me."  Absently, Akane
dropped to the street, bounced once to the top of the wall on the
other side, and then up on the roofs again, with Ranma right
beside her.

     "Heh.  There's too little thinkin' as well as too much, you
know."

     "I just couldn't," Akane said, blushing.  "I don't know how
you can, er, vamp like that.  I'd just die of embarrassment."

     "Just being the best girl I can be," Ranma said, somehow
managing to strut in midair.

     "That's not being a good girl," Akane scoffed.  "That's
being a bad girl.  Besides, if I tried that with Tofu-sensei,
he'd fall over laughing, and what good would THAT do?"

     "Heh."

     "So how come you went along with it, really?" Akane asked,
giving Ranma a curious sidelong glance.

     Ranma shrugged, her eyes fixed straight ahead.  "'Cause I
felt like it."

     Akane thought about a few other incidents, major and minor,
where Ranma had gone along with her plans, and decided to
interpret "because I felt like it" as "because you asked me to".
"Thanks, partner."

     "Like I said, it was just the sort of crazy thing I would've
thought of myself," Ranma said, her slight blush confirming
Akane's guess.  "So what's the next cunning plan?  What are you
gonna tell Kasumi?"

     Akane grimaced.  "I haven't made up my mind."

     "Well, decide fast, 'cause here we are."  Ranma sailed over
the wall and landed on the front walk, ending the day's second
round trip to the clinic.  "Oh, by the way, blue suits you."

     "Really?"  Akane's pleased smile lasted only a fraction of a
second before she realized that she was wearing only one blue
garment and mortification took over.  She clapped both hands to
her skirt.  "Oh, no!  The roof-hopping!  I forgot!  I showed half
of Nerima my panties!  And you LET me, you rat!"

     "Hey, at least you're finally getting your priorities
straight," Ranma said, smirking.  Anticipating Akane's
retaliation, she dodged through the door, but Akane seemed
preoccupied with something else as she followed.

     "Do you really like me in blue, Ranma?" she asked shyly.

     Ranma, red to the ears, muttered something inaudible.

     "What?"

     "I said, unless they're the 'Hello Ki-ki-kitty' ones.  Stop
giggling, dammit!"

     Kasumi wasn't in the kitchen this time, but they found her
upstairs folding laundry.  "Hello, Akane, Ranma," she greeted
them.  "You certainly are getting your exercise today, aren't
you?"

     "Uh, yeah," Ranma said, tugging at the hem of her skirt,
perversely conscious of her garb because Kasumi had given no sign
that she'd noticed it.  "You're probably wondering about the
nurse's uniform...."

     "Oh, no, not at all," Kasumi assured her blandly.  "I'm sure
there's a perfectly reasonable explanation, and that's all that
matters, isn't it?"

     "Tofu-sensei has a girlfriend," Akane blurted.

     Ranma smacked herself in the forehead with her palm.
"Smooth," she muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

     Kasumi's eyebrows rose.  "Really."  She looked down at the
freshly-folded towel in her hands, then carefully set it on the
stack.  "Oh, well.  It's just as well, I suppose."

     "It might not be that way," Akane said quickly.  "I think
she was a lot more interested in him than he was in her."

     "Like me and Shampoo," Ranma agreed.  "Or me and Ukyo, or me
and Kodachi."  She cast a mischievous glance sideways.  "Or--"

     "You'd better not even be thinking what I think you're about
to say," Akane interrupted her, scowling.

     "As I was about to say, or not one bit like me and Akane,"
Ranma completed, unjustly-accused virtue dripping from every
syllable.

     "Oh, sure," Akane scoffed weakly.

     "Jeez, I don't even have to tease you any more, you do such
a good job of it all by yourself...."

     "So tell me about this girlfriend," Kasumi prompted, cutting
off the developing squabble.

     "Well, she's a nurse he met at the hospital where he was,"
Akane said.  "She's German, I think."

     "She's fat and mean," Ranma muttered.

     "I wouldn't go that far," Akane disagreed.  "Her figure is,
um, generous, but I wouldn't say overweight.  And what makes you
say she's mean?"

     "She grabbed my tongue with sticks!"

     "After you stuck it out at her."

     "She TOLD me to!"

     "Well, you DID it!"

     "Argh!"

     "Oh, my," Kasumi observed with amusement.  "She sounds like
quite a character, this...."

     "Nadelmann Gertrude-san," Akane supplied.  She bit her lip.
"The real problem is... well...."  She cast a flustered glance at
Ranma.

     "He boffed her," Ranma stated.

     "My goodness!"  Kasumi's eyes widened.  "With both of you
standing right there?"

     Ranma's jaw dropped.  "Wha--  No way!"

     "Of course not!" Akane sputtered.  She calmed down a little.
"Before.  Before he came back here, that is."

     "Oh, I see," Kasumi said slowly.  "Did he really?  Well."

     Akane nodded ruefully.  "You can't possibly be interested in
him now."

     "Oh, I wouldn't say that."  Kasumi picked up another towel
and started folding it.

     "What?!"  Akane stared at her sister in astonishment.  "But
he... he's... um...."  She ground to a halt, red-faced.

     "Ruined?" Kasumi suggested.

     "Um... something like that, I guess.  I mean, if Ranma had,
you know...."

     "Boffed?  Screwed?" Ranma offered helpfully.  "Done a
horizontal kata with?"  Swat!

     "...someone else, I'd be so mad and heartbroken, I don't
know what I'd do.  But it would change everything.  How can you
even think of anything with Tofu-sensei now?"

     "Well, it's not like Tofu-sensei was engaged to me when he
did it," Kasumi pointed out.  "We didn't even have an
understanding.  And it's not exactly manly for a healthy, normal
bachelor of his age still to be a virgin, is it?"

     "Well...."  Akane looked like she was having trouble seeing
Tofu as "manly bachelor" rather than "friend and family doctor".

     "For that matter, we don't really know what Taro-san's, um,
experience is, either," Kasumi said, "and I haven't rejected him
on that account, have I?"

     Ranma snorted.  "Pantyhose-Taro doesn't know crap about
women," she stated indelicately.  "I dunno what he's been doing
all these years, but he's been doing it by himself.  No way has
he ever gotten laid.  I'd bet money he hasn't even been kissed."

     "There, you see, that's husband material!" Akane said
triumphantly.

     Ranma gave her a shocked stare.  "Will you listen to
yourself?  You're arguing FOR Pantyhose-Taro and AGAINST Tofu-
sensei!"

     "I--"  Akane broke off, appalled, and stood speechless for a
moment.  "But--  It's still wrong!" she wailed.  "It doesn't
matter that he wasn't engaged to you, Kasumi-oneechan!  He was
CRAZY about you, and he slept with Gertrude-san anyway!  He
BETRAYED you!"  She whirled and ran off down the hall.  Kasumi
and Ranma listened to the rapid patter of her footsteps recede
down the stairs, then traded glances.

     Soun came around the corner, looking over his shoulder.
"Who betrayed whom?  And why's Akane so upset?"  He put two and
two together and directed an incensed glare at Ranma.  "You'd
better have a good explanation for this, Ranma-kun!"

     "What?  Why is it always MY fault?" Ranma demanded
indignantly, hands on her hips.

     "Ranma hasn't betrayed Akane, Father," Kasumi said
soothingly.  "It's just Tofu-sensei and his new nurse.  Nothing
to get excited about."

     "Oh.  Well, all right, then."  Soun turned and went back
down the stairs.  Ranma and Kasumi waited for the double-take,
but after several moments it appeared that there wouldn't be one.
They exchanged glances again.

     "He didn't hear a word you said, did he?" Ranma sighed.

     Kasumi turned away and picked up another towel.  "Some
people only hear what I say when I'm calling them to dinner, I
suppose."

     Ranma bit her lip.  There hadn't been a trace of rancor in
Kasumi's light, pleasant voice, but....  "Kasumi-oneesan, how do
you really feel about all this?  What Tofu-sensei did, I mean?"

     "Why, thank you so much for asking."  Kasumi's eyes twinkled
at Ranma for an instant.  She put the folded towel down and gazed
pensively into the depths of the linen closet.  "I suppose if my
husband or even my fiance had slept with another woman, I'd be
angry and hurt.  But really, he isn't, and so I'm not.  I'm not
entitled to be, after all.  I'm surprised, and a little
disappointed, perhaps, but mostly I'm... interested."

     "Interested?"  Ranma frowned.  "I don't get it."

     "I'm not sure I do either, but... surely you've noticed that
people who already have someone seem to attract more, um,
attention than people who don't?  You could go along for years
with no one looking twice at you, and then you get a special
friend and suddenly everyone's after you."

     Ranma grimaced.  "Oh, yeah.  I didn't know it was that way
for anyone else, though."

     "Well, Akane went through something very much like that
before you came, with those boys who were attacking her every
morning.  It happened all at once.  Before then, she was just
another girl at school.  My books talk about group behavior and
reinforced hormones...."

     "Over-reinforced skulls, more like," Ranma muttered darkly.

     Kasumi laughed a little, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Yes, perhaps.  The point is that having another woman interested
in Tofu-sensei seems to, well, to validate his appeal somehow."

     "If you say so." Ranma's tone was dubious.

     "And if she's still chasing him after sleeping with him, he
must be adequate in bed, mustn't he?" Kasumi said with a small,
sly smile.

     Ranma's jaw dropped.  "Urk.  Actually, Gertrude mentioned
that," she managed.

     "There, you see?  Now, as long as you're here, would you
mind helping me fold the sheets?"

     "Sure.  I just came up with a way to do that really fast."
Snap-flappity-WHUMP!  "See?"

     "Oh, my."

     A sudden din of footsteps coming up the stairs heralded the
return of Soun, breathing hard.  "Ranma-kun, you're dressed as a
nurse!" he exclaimed.  The demon-head sprang forth.  "HOW COULD
YOU BETRAY AKANE WITH TOFU-SENSEI?!"

     "Wha--  WRONG!!"

     "Oh, Father, really!"

     ~~~~~

     "Hey, you asleep?"

     "...yes...."

     "Ha ha.  Say, about what Kasumi said...."

     "Which of several dozen things Kasumi-oneechan said are you
talking about?"

     "You know, when she said I was rude, insulting, and
uncivilized."

     "And inconsiderate."  Yawn.

     "Yeah, something like that.  But she was talking like she
knew why you chose me anyway."

     "If she does, it's not because I told her.  Go wake HER up
and ask her, why don't you?"

     "Uh... not a chance."

     "Darn."

     "So why did you?"

     "Ranma, I told you when you asked me to marry you: for love.
We've talked about this before.  Why bring it up now?"

     "Well, Kasumi was talking like she's thinking about choosing
Pantyhose-Taro even though he's an asshole, and it has something
to do with me and you, and I was trying to figure her out... and
then I got to wondering about what she said.  You had guys after
you who weren't rough like me... so why'd you choose me?"

     "Oh, all right.  Hmm... well, when you first came to live
with us, I couldn't ignore you any more than I could ignore an
earthquake, you know?  I had to love you or hate you.  I started
out hating you a little-- you were SO annoying-- but I just
couldn't keep that up, so I guess I swung the other way."

     "Jeez, you mean you chose me because I was rude and
uncivilized?"

     "Sort of... maybe."

     "So, which of my annoying ways did you choose me for, then?"

     "Heh.  For all of them put together, even if they made it
hard to believe that there was a nice guy in there somewhere when
I started to get the idea that maybe you liked me a little.  And
at least you were different from all the 'Please date me!'
idiots.  They just wanted to be seen with a popular girl, or they
were lechers, but none of them cared what I wanted."

     "Huh."

     "I think if you'd been in favor of the marriage from the
beginning, I might've just lumped you in with that crowd in my
mind.  But you were no happier with it than I was, and that gave
us something in common.  And when you found out about the crush I
had on Tofu-sensei, you were nice about it because I was unhappy,
even though you could have gotten bent out of shape about it
because we were engaged.  But what really got my attention was
when you told Sanzenin-san that I was your iinazuke and you'd
kill him if he laid a lip on me."

     "That bastard.  Bad enough he kissed ME."

     "Too bad he never found out that he'd actually kissed a guy.
I could have put him in the hospital perfectly well myself, of
course, but it meant a lot that you were jealous.  Speaking of
which... why did YOU choose ME?"

     "Oh, I dunno.  Never thought about it."

     Pause.  Rustle.  "Rrraaanmaaa...."

     "Hey, what are you doing?  Gimme my pillow back!"  Whap!
Poof!  Thump!

     ~~~~~

     Dr. Tofu walked outside his clinic for the thirteenth time
the next morning and peered anxiously at the sky.  As it had the
last dozen times, it looked like a fine, sunny spring morning,
with no threat of an impediment to a picnic visible.  He heaved a
relieved sigh and went back inside.

     Gertrude was making industrious noises from the file room as
Tofu went into the pharmacy.  She was efficient and competent,
there was no doubt about that, and in some ideal world where a
certain chiropractor's personal life could be separated from his
professional life, there might be a place for her... but this
world wasn't that one, Tofu reminded himself firmly.

     He hadn't told Ranma all of the truth, he thought as he
searched through the tomes of his library.  There was a reason
why it hadn't occurred to him to treat his own overreaction to
Kasumi-san: it had been drummed into him by his masters that self-
prescription was a quick way to serious ethical and practical
problems-- so don't, young Ono!  So he hadn't even thought about
it... but now he had to.

     He found the formula he sought, reread it carefully, and
nodded.  Two parts of this herb, one part of that compound ground
fine and sprinkled over it, and he would be calm enough to-- to--
"Oh, dear, I need the sedative to calm down enough to admininster
the sedative!" he muttered wryly to himself, gripping the table
edge until his tremors subsided.  "Hmm... inhale the smoke."
There wasn't time to burn it in a censer, he confirmed with a
nervous glance at the clock.  He rolled the medicine up in a
square of thin paper, put one end between his lips, lit the other
after a little trouble bringing the flame to contact, and took a
cautious puff.

     "Doktor Tofu," Gertrude said right behind him, "where--"
Her voice changed from inquiry to indignation.  "Doktor!  You
know smoking is bad for you!"

     "Gack!" Tofu managed, eyes bulging.  He pounded himself on
the chest.

     "Komm, Doktor, give Gertrude that nasty little cigar," she
said, holding out a peremptory hand.

     "I'm afraid there's a problem with that, Nurse," Tofu said
hoarsely, turning to face her.  "Urp!"  A perfect smoke-ring
sailed out of his mouth, past Gertrude, and across the room.

     Gertrude's eyes widened.  "You swallowed it?"

     Tofu nodded quickly, already consulting the pharmacopoeia.
"I hope it's not harmful when ingested... oh.  Oh, dear."

     "What?"  Gertrude crowded in beside him and stared at the
page.  "I can't read this.  Is it Chinese?"

     "Sanskrit," Tofu said absently.

     "Well, what does it say, then?  Shall I prepare gastric
lavage?"

     Tofu slammed the tome closed decisively and stood up.
"There's no time for that, Nurse.  I must leave right away, or
I'll be late for a very important--"

     "No, Doktor," Gertrude interrupted firmly.  "You can't think
of going out in your condition-- whatever it is.  You must stay
here until the effects have--"

     "Nonsense."  Tofu waved an imperious hand.  "I feel fine."
He strode off, leaving a wisp of smoke behind.

     "But, Doktor!"  Gertrude boggled for a moment, then raced
after Tofu.  "I will accompany you, then, for your own safety!"
The clinic door slammed shut, then suddenly opened.  "Dreimal-
verfluchte ding!"  The "Out to Lunch" sign rattled and the door
slammed again.  "Wait for me, Liebchen!"

     ~~~~~

     Tai Park was a magnet for the people of Nerima whenever the
weather was pleasant, and never more than during the few days in
spring when the sakura were in full display.  Retirees and
vacationers began to congregate there in the morning, families
staked out favorite spots at noontime, children played in the
fragrant, sun-dappled shade all afternoon, and even after dark
the merrymaking continued with lantern-lit drinking parties.

     Carrying two large baskets, Ranma followed Kasumi and Akane
beneath the blossoming trees as they threaded their way among
picnickers who had gotten there earlier.  The women's kimonos
reflected the season and the occasion; Kasumi had mentioned that
Akane's was a bit "young" for her, but Ranma couldn't see
anything wrong with it.  What difference did it make how long the
sleeves were, anyway?  "C'mon, pick a spot, already!" he called
impatiently.  "The smell is making me hungry!"

     Akane smirked over her shoulder.  "You're always hungry,
Ranma."  She turned to Kasumi.  "There's a nice view of the pond
from here...."

     "It is, isn't it?  All right, then."  Kasumi took the
groundcloth from one of Ranma's baskets and deployed it with a
brisk snap, and Akane bent to straighten the corners.  "There."
A couple of petals beat the baskets to its pristine surface.

     "Man, it was driving me crazy, having all that food right
there and not a hand free to grab it," Ranma said, helping Akane
unpack.  "I was about to try juggling."  He filched a musubi
before Akane could intercept it.

     "Ranma, it's rude to start before everyone else!" Akane
protested.

     "Now, Akane, after carrying all this so far he deserves a
little snack to take the edge off," Kasumi said indulgently.
"Besides, he'll get cranky if we make him wait."  She knelt next
to the tall, lacquered boxes containing the provisions, arranging
her kimono around her legs.

     "Jeez," Ranma muttered.  He eyed the boxes hungrily, but
decided not to try sneaking another snack, and looked around
instead.  "Hey, there he is!  Tofu-sensei!  Over here!"  He
jumped to his feet and waved vigorously.

     "Oh, foo.  Why'd he bring HER with him?" Akane grumbled.
Sure enough, the white-uniformed figure of the German nurse could
be seen hurrying along behind Tofu.

     "Is that my rival?" Kasumi asked, shading her eyes with her
hand.

     "That's her."

     "Well, this will be interesting, won't it?"

     "That's one word for it," Akane admitted, giving her sister
a surprised look; the tone of Kasumi's voice reflected none of
the petulance she felt herself, and even seemed... eager?

     Ranma remained standing as the others approached.  "Hiya,
Tofu-sensei," he said when they were nearly there.  He spared a
cool nod to Gertrude and shifted slightly, ready to give Tofu a
focusing punch on the shoulder when the doctor started to wig
out.

     "Hello, Ranma-kun!  My, Akane-chan, what a pretty kimono!"
Tofu greeted them, a little absently; clearly most of his
attention was on the young woman seated on the opposite side of
the picnic cloth.  "It's been a long time, Kasumi-san," he said,
bowing.

     Kasumi matched his bow.  "We've missed you, Tofu-sensei.
Welcome back."  Her glance shifted past his shoulder.  "Ah...
your guest...?"

     "Ah, this is Nurse Gertrude Nadelmann."  He turned to the
nurse.  "Gertrude-san, Tendo Kasumi-san."  Akane and Ranma traded
glances of relief and surprise; Tofu was showing no sign of
either the expected derangement or the embarrassment appropriate
to the situation.

     "Pleased to meet you, Tendo-san," Gertrude said, bowing
correctly.  In the place of the jealous hostility she had shown
Akane and onna-Ranma at the clinic the previous day, the red-
headed nurse displayed wary respect.  Akane frowned a little at
the implied slight.

     Kasumi smiled.  "Guten Tag, Fraulein Nadelmann," she said
carefully.

     Gertrude's eyes lit up.  "Ach, was fur eine angenehme
Uberraschung!  Seit lange--"  She broke off; Kasumi was blushing
and shaking her head, with a slightly-flustered smile.

     "No, I'm afraid I don't actually speak German," Kasumi
admitted.  "Certainly not nearly as well as you speak Japanese!"

     "Ah, well," Gertrude said regretfully.  "Still, your
greeting was a welcome thing to hear, Kasumi-san."  She
straightened a little.  "I apologize for intruding, but Doktor
Tofu's condition... well...."

     Kasumi waved a gracious hand.  "Oh, no need to explain!
You're welcome, of course.  Please, sit down here by me!"

     "You're very kind." Gertrude settled herself on her shins,
but evidently wasn't as comfortable with sitting on the ground as
the others were.

     "Plant it, Tofu-sensei," Ranma muttered, nudging the doctor
with his elbow to break him out of what appeared to be a trance
state featuring a steady gaze at Kasumi and a polite smile.  "You
okay?"

     Tofu turned to look at Ranma, and his smile changed from
polite to friendly.  "I'm fine, Ranma-kun."  He dropped to sit
cross-legged at the edge of the groundcloth opposite Kasumi, and
Ranma sat next to him.  "Why?"

     "You're just acting kinda different."

     "Hey, no sweat," Tofu said casually.  "I did what you
suggested, and it's working fine."

     Ranma frowned a little; he couldn't quite put his finger on
what was wrong with the doctor-- besides that he wasn't going ga-
ga in Kasumi's presence, of course-- but his instincts were
flashing a red light.  "If you say so."

     "Tea or juice, everyone?" Akane said, patting two tall
Thermos dispensers by her side.

     Tofu switched his regard to her and his manner changed
again.  "Tea, please, Akane-chan."

     "Juice for me," Ranma requested, his attention fixed on the
koban boxes as Kasumi unstacked them.

     "Tsukemono first," Kasumi announced cheerfully, setting the
boxes of colorful pickled fruits and vegetables out.  "And here's
some maki-sushi."

     "Akane made those, right?"  Ranma eyed the misshapen rolls
dubiously.

     Akane sighed in exasperation.  "They're not as bad as they
look!  Here."  She picked one up in her chopsticks and presented
it to Ranma.  "Open wide... or else."

     "I may need medical attention in a minute," Ranma said in an
aside to Tofu.  "Ow!  All right, all right!"  He closed his eyes
and leaned forward to munch the morsel while the others laughed.

     "Well?" Akane demanded after a moment.

     Ranma swallowed.  "Keep practicin'."  He smirked at Akane's
crestfallen look.  "They're the best you've managed yet, though."

     "Oh, you rat, why couldn't you have said that first?" Akane
exclaimed.  "Honestly!"  She turned to Gertrude and managed an
acceptably pleasant look.  "Gertrude-san, do you like sushi?  I
know a lot of foreigners have trouble with it...."

     "Oh, I've gotten used to raw fish," Gertrude replied.  She
leaned forward confidentially.  "Actually, it's one of the cooked
ones I don't like.  I can't stand sushi with octopus.  Those
nasty purple tentacles, and those awful suckers... ugh!"

     "Tofu-sensei?"  Kasumi held out a covered box across the
picnic.  "Please try these, I think you'll like them."

     "Thank you, Kasumi-san."  Tofu removed the lid.  "Oh, my,
tako-nigiri!"  He picked one up and took a bite out of it.
"Delicious."

     Gertrude turned and caught sight of the remaining half of
the tako-nigiri: a finger of rice and, secured to the top of it
by a thin band of nori, a thin slice of boiled octopus tentacle,
its white meat contrasting with purple skin and the neat rings of
suckers.  She went pale, then green.  "Eeeek!"  Staggering to her
feet and backing away, she stared in horror as an uncomprehending
Tofu popped the rest of the bit of sushi into his mouth.  "Ugh!
Doktor Tofu, how could you?!"

     Tofu blinked and swallowed.  "What is the difficulty,
Nurse?"

     "Those-- those things!" Gertrude stuttered, waving at the
rest of the unfortunate octopus, sliced thin and arrayed
decoratively in the box, while carefully not looking at it.
"Schrecklich!"

     "She can't stand octopus," Akane recalled.  "She was just
saying so when Kasumi--"  She broke off as a sudden suspicion
popped into her mind, and she glanced sidelong at her sister.
*No, it can't be.*

     "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Kasumi exclaimed, her smile now pure
embarrassment.  "Please forgive me!"

     Tofu replaced the box lid, concealing the dread tidbits, and
Gertrude breathed a little easier.  Akane saw her eyes narrow
slightly as she regarded Kasumi, but if she was considering
accusing her hostess of springing the tentacles on her
deliberately, she thought better of it.  Gertrude's look of wary
respect returned.  "No, no, think nothing of it," she said,
reseating herself.  "It's silly of me, I know."

     "Oh, by no means.  Tofu-sensei, if you would pass the box
back, please?  Thank you.  We'll just put these away, shall we?"
Still radiating self-reproach, Kasumi stowed the box of tako-
nigiri back in the basket.

     "Hey, does this mean I don't get any?" Ranma protested.

     "Ranma!"

     "I'm afraid not, Ranma."  Kasumi glanced at Gertrude, who
was still quivering a little.  "Perhaps after we get home."

     "Great, I'll have to fight Pops and Tendo-san for them,"
Ranma grumbled.

     "Your father and sister are well, I trust?" Tofu asked
Kasumi in a transparent attempt to restart the convivial
atmosphere.

     "Oh, yes, they're fine.  We invited Father and Nabiki, of
course, but Father and Saotome-no-ojisama already had plans, and
Nabiki said she was too busy getting ready for university to, er,
'goof off'."  Kasumi looked up at the branches laden with white
and pink blossoms, and the blue sky beyond.  "What a pity; it's
such a nice day."

     "Little Nabiki-chan is about to start university?  My, how
time flies," Tofu remarked, shaking his head.

     Kasumi's smile twisted micrometrically.  "Yes, it certainly
does."  She hesitated.  "I imagine the clinic is back as though
it never left, though."

     "Oh, yes, it seems like it never closed," Tofu said
genially.  "All of the same old patients are coming back with
their chronic complaints.  Er... you would be more than welcome
to come by, you know...."

     "Why, thank you, Tofu-sensei.  I'll be sure to keep that in
mind if I have any complaints."

     Akane winced, and sensed Ranma's flinch.  Neither of them
said anything, though, and Gertrude had apparently missed it.
Tofu blinked.  "By all means," he said weakly.

     A shadow fell between Ranma and Akane, and both turned and
looked up.  "Well, isn't this cozy," Pantyhose-Taro said
sardonically.

     "Oh, crap," Ranma said under his breath.  "What are you
doing here, Pan--?"  Whap!  "Hey!"

     "You know better than that, girly-boy.  I came to see
Kasumi, of course."

     "How did you know we were here?" Akane asked bluntly.

     Taro shrugged.  "Your sister told me."

     "Nabiki?  How much did it cost you?" Ranma inquired.

     "Not a copper cash," Taro said with satisfaction.

     "You didn't hurt her or threaten her, did you?" Akane
exclaimed.

     Taro put a hand on his chest and registered dismay.  "Me?
Would I do a thing like that?"

     "Yeah!"

     "Quiet, girly-boy, I was talking to the one who wears the
pants in your family."  Taro smirked at Akane's and Ranma's
reactions to his double-pronged barb and continued.  "I didn't
lay a finger on her.  She tried to shake me down, I'll admit, but
it didn't work."

     "Why not?" Ranma asked suspiciously.

     "Well, let's just say she's not as smart as she thinks, and
I'm not as stupid as she thinks," Taro said.

     "Or maybe you didn't HAVE a copper cash, and she told you so
you'd go away," Ranma guessed.

     Taro's smirk vanished.  "Shut up."  He took a calming breath
and managed to smile pleasantly at Kasumi.  "Hello, Kasumi.  I
just flew in today."

     "Hello, Taro-kun," Kasumi greeted him.  "Welcome back.  Did
you have a nice trip?"

     "Not too bad," Taro said, shrugging.

     "We were just having lunch, would you like to join us?"

     "Your cooking?  Absolutely."

     "Why can't you be that enthusiastic?" Akane whispered to
Ranma as Taro circled the picnic.

     "Why can't you be that good of a cook?" Ranma whispered
back.  Swat!

     Taro stopped between Kasumi and Gertrude and addressed the
nurse.  "You mind scooting over a bit, lady?"  Gertrude scooted
without comment, causing Tofu to move in turn to maintain
decorum.  "Thanks."  Taro sat down and accepted a cup of tea from
Kasumi with a grateful nod.  "So who're they?" he inquired,
tilting an eyebrow in the direction of Tofu and Gertrude.

     "Oh, that's right, you haven't met," Kasumi said.  "This is
Ono Tofu-sensei, and this is Nadelmann Gertrude-san.  Tofu-
sensei, Gertrude-san, this is Pa--" Kasumi broke off at Taro's
warning cough-- "excuse me, I mean Taro-san."  The three
exchanged cautious nods.  Kasumi continued, still wearing a bland
smile.  "Taro-san is one of Ranma and Akane's friends; I invited
him to an omiai recently, but we're not engaged yet.  Tofu-sensei
was our family doctor for a long time, and lots of people thought
he and I were a couple, but that was before he disappeared for a
year.  Gertrude-san is Tofu-sensei's nurse, of course."

     "Girlfriend," Gertrude added, squeezing Tofu's arm, but no
one was paying attention to her.  Ranma and Akane were staring at
Kasumi, looking as stunned as if identical anvils had fallen
simultaneously on their heads; they couldn't dispute the truth of
Kasumi's statements, but it was hard to imagine a more incendiary
way to phrase them.

     Tofu blinked rapidly behind his glasses.  "Omiai?  Not
engaged... yet?" he said weakly.  He looked at Taro.

          "My daughter is of marriageable age," Soun said,
     gesturing to the young woman clad in a fine kimono who knelt
     at his side.  "There was someone else who might have been
     interested, but for some reason he never approached us...
     ah, well, that's in the past."  He tucked his hands into his
     haori coat and assumed a benevolent look.  "I'm sure she'll
     make you a fine wife, lad."
     
          Lounging unaccompanied on the other side of the low
     table, Taro leered sociably at Kasumi.  "Whatever you say,
     Pops.  You won't mind if I try her out first, though...?"
     
          Kasumi blushed, lowered her head, and nodded shyly.

     "Family doctor?  Couple?"  Taro eyed Tofu with sudden
suspicion.

          Tofu came into the clinic room and set down his
     clipboard.  "Now, Kasumi-chan, be a good girl and take off
     your clothes so I can, ah, examine you."  His fingers
     wiggled suggestively.
     
          Seated on the examination couch in the middle of the
     room, Kasumi giggled.  "Whatever you say, Sensei."   She
     reached for the top button on her blouse.

     *He's young and in good shape, and a girl might think he's
good-looking, I suppose,* Tofu thought.

     *The bastard's a doctor, so he's got to have money and an
education, maybe even property,* Taro thought.

     *Could he be her type?* they both thought.

     Gertrude's statement finally sank in for Taro.  He laughed
suddenly and leaned over to put an arm around Kasumi's shoulders.
"Well, since you have a girlfriend, Tofu, that'll work out just
fine.  You stick with her and leave Kasumi to me."

     "What a fine idea!" Gertrude exclaimed, but again she was
ignored.

     Tofu leaned forward and planted a fist on the ground.
"Well, maybe I don't want to."

     "Liebchen!"

     "Kasumi-san deserves better than a cheap punk like you,"
Tofu continued.  Akane's eyes bugged out, but Ranma gave Tofu an
approving nod.

     Taro smirked.  "And that would be you, I suppose?"

     "Well, maybe, not that being better than you is saying
much," Tofu said casually.

     "Doktor Tofu, are you feeling all right?" Gertrude asked,
sounding quite concerned.

     Tofu turned to her and smiled reassuringly.  "I'm fine,
Nurse, thank you for asking."

     "Anyone trying to move in on my girl gets hurt," Taro said,
removing his arm from Kasumi and cracking his knuckles.  "Ready
to put my fist where your mouth is?"

     "Hah," Tofu sneered.  "I can take a boy like you down
without breaking a sweat!"

     "Right, let's go, then."  Taro got up and sauntered around
behind Tofu, where there was a clear spot that enlarged rapidly
as picnickers scrambled to collect their things and get out of
the way.  Tofu stood and moved to face the Chinese youth,
displaying very similar body language.

     Ranma got up too.  "Where do you think you're going?" Akane
demanded.

     "Over there," Ranma replied, indicating the other side of
the venue.  "Just going to keep things from getting out of hand."

     "They're already out of hand!  Honestly, those two sound
like third-graders in a playground!"

     Ranma flashed a cocky smile.  "It's a guy thing."

     "Well, stop them, then!"

     "Nah, I'm not crazy.  Besides, I've always wanted to see how
Tofu-sensei fights.  You take care of this side, OK?"  He trotted
off around the combatants.

     "Back off, girly-boy," Taro warned Ranma.  "I don't need
your help, and I don't need you helping Doctor Strange there,
either."

     "Take it easy," Ranma said, holding up open hands.  "Just
think of me as the referee."

     "Don't need that either."  Taro assumed his usual wide
stance and watched Tofu, who didn't seem to be in any stance at
all.  He got tired of waiting after a few seconds and advanced
crabwise, his feet flickering, to probe at Tofu's defenses with a
combination of punches and kicks.  Tofu was readier than he
looked, blocking and evading with casual economy.

     "My, Akane, isn't this exciting?" Kasumi said, watching the
combat unfold.

     Akane stared at her sister.  "Exciting?"

     "Well, isn't that how you felt when men fought over you?"

     "It's awful!  Don't you see what's going on here?"

     Kasumi looked puzzled.  "Of course.  We practically have
ringside seats."

     "No, not that!  Those idiots fighting over you-- the
winner's going to think he OWNS you!"

     "My goodness, do they really?"  Kasumi's eyebrows rose.
"Well, fancy that."  She started packing the abandoned picnic
back in its boxes.

     Taro stepped back, breathing a little more heavily than he
really wanted to be, and regarded his opponent through slitted
eyes.  Tofu was heavier than he was, and so might be a little
stronger, but he was certainly faster than the older man.  It
wasn't doing him any good, though.  Somehow the doctor was
anticipating his attacks, he had to be; it was the only
explanation for how Tofu was able to block and evade him.  Well,
he'd just have to be even faster, and try to be deceptive....

     Wondering why Tofu had yet to strike back, Taro renewed his
attack, launching linear punches and circling kicks with as much
reflex and instinct and as little forethought as he could manage.
A few of them got through Tofu's defenses, jolting the older man
back a step at a time, and Taro smirked... and then realized that
it was because this time Tofu WAS striking back.  None of the
hits were solid, though; they were just prods and pats here and
there.  "Is that the best you can do, old man?" Taro taunted,
disengaging.  "Those wouldn't kill a bug."

     Tofu, matching Taro's smirk, turned away.  "Fight's over,"
he said over his shoulder.  "You lose."

     "What?  Bullarrgh--"  Taro suddenly stiffened and toppled
like a felled tree.  "Nngh!"  He rolled his eyes wildly-- there
wasn't much else that was still working-- and spotted the pond at
the foot of the slope.  If he could just reach that, he'd show
them!  After a few false starts, he got the knack of hitching his
traitorous body along the ground with his nose.

     "Give it up," Ranma advised, squatting on his heels in
Taro's way.  "I'm not gonna let you scare the crap out of all
these people."  He hopped nimbly back as Taro snapped at his
ankle.  "Knock it off, I said!  Besides, even if your nose held
out that long, you'd just turn into a two-ton monster who
couldn't move a muscle.  What good is that gonna do ya, huh?"

     "Mmmph."  Taro deflated, his disgust and frustration plain
to see, and craned his neck to look back at where Kasumi, Akane,
and Gertrude were still clustered around the picnic spot.

     Tofu sat back down across the cloth from Kasumi and rubbed
the back of his neck.  "Heh... sorry about that," he chuckled,
sweatdropping.  He noticed the bareness of the cloth and blinked.
"Er... I suppose the picnic's over, then...?"

     "I'm afraid so," Kasumi said pleasantly.  "It was very good
to see you again, though.  Perhaps some other time?"  She stood
and bowed, then moved off towards Ranma and Taro.

     Tofu, looking nonplussed, watched her go.  Gertrude took his
arm.  "You really aren't yourself, Doktor Tofu," she chided him.
"Let's go back to the clinic and you can rest, ja?"

     "In a minute," Tofu said, sounding preoccupied.  He followed
Kasumi, a few steps behind.

     Kasumi knelt by Taro, pulled his head onto her lap, and
stroked his brow.  "Poor Taro-san," she crooned.

     "Nnnsss!"  Flushing, Taro tried to roll away from her, but
succeeded only in wobbling his head.

     "Oh, Akane explained that you boys had some silly notion
that the loser would have to leave me alone or something like
that... is that right?"  Taro gave her a perplexed nod, and
Kasumi continued.  "Really, you should have asked me first.  My
sympathies are with the loser, you see."  She looked up at Tofu.
"Tofu-sensei, would you, um, fix Taro-san, please?"

     Tofu looked embarrassed again.  "Well, I would if I could,
but I'm afraid I can't.  My apologies.  I expect he'll be fine in
a few hours, though."

     "Oh, dear."  Kasumi gently set Taro's head and shoulders
aside and stood up.  "Ranma, Akane, would you carry Taro-san
home, please?  I'll get the koban and the cloth."

     "Hold still," Ranma advised Taro.  "I'm not gonna cry if I
drop ya."  He picked the fuming youth up like a board, tucking
his torso under one arm, and waited for Akane to get his legs.

     Kasumi came back carrying the picnic things and bowed to
Tofu and Gertrude.  "It was nice to meet you, Gertrude-san.
Goodbye for now, Tofu-sensei."

     "The pleasure was mine," replied Gertrude.

     "Ah, goodbye.  Thank you for inviting me, er, us," Tofu said
pleasantly, bowing in return.  He watched them depart, then
slumped with a sigh.

     ~~~~~

     "Hmm... just put him down in here, would you?" Kasumi
suggested, opening the dojo door.  Ranma and Akane toted Taro's
rigid form past her.  After a glance back at Kasumi, Ranma put
his end of Taro down with ostentatious care, then stood up and
swung his arms.

     "You're welcome," he told the Chinese youth.

     Taro turned his head away, frowning.  "Mmmpf."

     "Let me put these things away and we'll come back and make
you more comfy, all right?" Kasumi said brightly to Taro, and his
expression lightened a little.  She smiled, slid the door shut,
and picked up the picnic box.  Akane and Ranma followed her to
the house, the one scowling and the other seemingly unconcerned.

     "I hope you don't mind letting Taro rest in your dojo,"
Kasumi said to Akane as soon as they were out of earshot.  "I'd
rather not put him in the tearoom...." She trailed off, blushing
a little.

     Akane shook her head.  "No, that's not what I'm concerned
about--"  She broke off and eyed her sister.  "What's wrong with
putting Taro-kun in the tearoom?"

     "Oh, I couldn't inconvenience everyone like that."

     "Uh huh."  *You mean we'd inconvenience you....*

     "Well, I don't mind havin' Pantyhose-Taro in the dojo for a
while," Ranma put in, "but why not put him in your room, then?"

     "Oh, no.  That wouldn't be proper at all," Kasumi said
firmly.

     Ranma scratched his head.  "I don't see why not.  I was in
Akane's room lotsa times, and nobody said it wasn't proper."

     "That's because everyone knew I'd just clobber you if you
tried anything funny," Akane said tartly.

     "Way I remember it, I wasn't the one who 'tried something
funny'," Ranma pointed out.

     "Ranma!" Akane protested, blushing hotly.

     Ranma skipped nimbly out of the way of her swat, his
expression clearing.  "Oh, I get it.  You could defend yourself,
and poor ol' Pantyhose-guy can't right now--"

     "Ranma!" Kasumi protested, blushing almost as hotly as her
sister.

     "What?"

     "Oh, never mind."  Kasumi took a deep breath and collected
herself.  "Akane, if you would get a futon from upstairs and take
it out to Taro-kun, please?  Ranma, those cushions there... thank
you.  I'll be out in a minute."  She disappeared into the kitchen
with the picnic box.

     Ranma shrugged, collected the indicated cushions, and took
them to the dojo.  "Yo, Pa--"

     "Rrrghhfmmf!!"

     "Okay, okay, I won't name ya when you're down."  Ranma
grinned and dropped the cushions on the floor as Akane came in
with a rolled-up futon.  "Here you go--"  They spread the futon
out flat and transferred Taro to it.  "Better?"

     "Mmm.  Mmmf..."

     Ranma blinked.  "Was that 'thanks'?"  Taro scowled and gave
a tiny nod.  "How about that.  Kasumi-oneesan must be rubbing off
on ya--"

     "Ranma!"  Kasumi was just coming in the door with a tray,
still dressed in the kimono she'd worn to the aborted picnic.

     "It was a whatchamacallit, a figure of speech!" Ranma said
hastily, blushing.

     "I certainly hope so."  Kasumi set the tray down, then
positioned a cushion near the head of Taro's futon and settled on
it.  "How are you feeling, Taro-kun?"

     Taro shrugged a little, then looked surprised that it'd
worked.

     "Oh, good.  I'll just keep you company while you recover,
shall I?"

     Akane looked down, saw what was on the tray beside the
teapot and cups, and blinked.  She nudged Ranma.  "Come on,
four's a crowd."

     "I thought it was 'three'," Ranma objected, but he followed
her out.

     "Anything over two, sometimes.  No way am I going to sit
around while Kasumi-oneechan reads old romantic poetry to Taro-
kun."  Akane heaved an exasperated sigh.  "I think she's trying
to civilize him or something."

     "Or something," Ranma agreed.

     ~~~~~

     Akane looked up from her magazine when Kasumi came back into
the tearoom later that afternoon; a quick glance showed no
apparent signs of mussage.  "Um, Kasumi-oneechan, I'd like to
talk to you--"

     "Oh, I'm sorry, Akane, but can it wait?  I'm late starting
dinner, you see," Kasumi apologized, sailing by on her way
upstairs.

     "Sure, later...."  Akane trailed off, realizing she was
talking to herself.

     She tried again in the kitchen after dinner.  "Oneechan,
about that talk...."

     "Just a moment, Akane, I want to take this to Taro-kun,"
Kasumi replied, paddling rice into a bowl to go on a waiting tray
with a selection of leftovers from dinner.  "He should be able to
eat by now."

     Akane planted herself by the counter.  "I'll be here," she
said firmly.

     "Good, good," Kasumi said, sounding preoccupied.  She
carried the laden tray out.

     Akane waited.  As she expected, Kasumi returned in rather
more time than it took to walk to the dojo and back.

     "There, all done," Kasumi said, removing her apron and
hanging it up.  She turned to her sister.  "So, what's Ranma done
now?"

     "Huh?  No, it's not Ranma.  Not this time."

     "Really?  My goodness."  Akane looked at her sister sharply,
but didn't see anything behind the smile.  "Well, let's go
upstairs, then," Kasumi continued.

     "Finally," Akane muttered under her breath.

     Kasumi led the way up to her room and closed the door behind
them.  "Now, what's all this about?" she asked, sitting on her
bed.  "Marriage counseling?"

     "Actually, sort of," Akane said with an involuntary twitch
of the lips, "but not ours... for a change."

     "Really?  Father and Hinako-sensei, perhaps?"

     "Oneechan!" Akane complained.  "You're teasing!"

     "Well, perhaps I am a little... but really, Akane, it's hard
to resist sometimes, you know."  Kasumi left it at that and
waited.

     Akane puffed out a sigh.  "You're just not going to make
this easy for me, are you?"

     "I'm not sure I follow you, Akane.  It's not like Taro-kun
has proposed to me, after all."

     "Taro-kun?  No, I meant Tofu-sensei... you haven't given up
on him because of that little performance this afternoon, have
you?"

     "He was acting quite strangely, wasn't he?"

     "Argh," Akane muttered.  "No, I meant the 'sympathies with
the loser' thing."

     "Oh, no, that was just for this afternoon."  Kasumi gave
Akane a what-silly-boys-they-were smile.

     Akane stared at her sister.  "You're not thinking of two-
timing them, are you?"

     "Am I?"  Kasumi looked thoughtful.  "Yes, I suppose I am."

     Hairs sprang out around Akane's head and her jaw dropped.
"But-- that's-- you-- that's just wrong!" she protested.

     Kasumi sighed.  "Akane, I know you have strong feelings on
the subject, after what you went through with Ranma, but this is
a different situation."

     "They're all different," Akane maintained stubbornly, "and
they're all wrong.  If you want to go with someone else, you have
to dump the one you've got.  That's just fair."

     "Hmm... but I haven't 'got' Taro-kun, and I'm not 'going
with' Tofu-sensei, am I?"

     "Well, I suppose not, not exactly, but...."

     "Akane, if one of them made me a proposal--" *or even a
proposition,* her thought filled in -- "I would certainly
consider it, but they haven't... and not for lack of
opportunities, either."  Kasumi sounded almost exasperated.  "All
Taro-kun had to do was follow through on the omiai, and we'd be
engaged now -- perhaps even married.  All Tofu-sensei had to do
was be serious for a few minutes, but instead he ran away for a
year."

     "Um."  Taken aback, Akane couldn't come up with a better
response.

     "So we'll just see how this goes, shall we?  Who knows,
maybe I'll even have some fun.  I'd like that.  I think I deserve
some, don't you?"  Kasumi smiled beatifically.

     Emitting a heavy sigh, Akane sagged.  "Somebody's going to
wind up with a broken heart, I just know it."

     "I don't think it's gotten to that point yet," Kasumi said
doubtfully.  "I think if it had, there'd be less... dithering."

     *You'd be surprised,* Akane thought.  "I just hope it's not
you or Tofu-sensei.  Speaking of whom, I hope you don't think the
way he was acting this afternoon was normal."

     "It wasn't?  Oh."  Kasumi sounded vaguely disappointed.

     Heedless, Akane carried on.  "I'm sure something was wrong
with him, because I've never seen him act like that before."

     "Really?  I was about to say that it was a great
improvement."

     "What?!" Akane burst out.

     "Over trying to eat through a kerchief, running into walls,
waltzing with his skeleton, and so forth, anyway."

     "You have a point there," Akane admitted.  She considered.
"I wonder if his time away... no, can't be."  She sprang to her
feet and paced back and forth.  "Whatever he did, maybe he can do
it again... no."  She stopped and faced her sister.  "No, you
just need to see what he's like when you're not around.  Then
you'll know what a great guy he is, and you'll stop wasting your
time on Taro-kun.  Then we can work on stopping him from going
gaga for you."

     "Hmm."

     Akane smacked her fist into her palm.  "I've got it.  Ranma
and I will go see Tofu-sensei and talk to him.  You sneak after
us and peek in through the window, and then you'll see what he's
like."

     "Oh, I couldn't do that!" Kasumi exclaimed with a shocked
look.

     "Sure you can.  The windowsill isn't too high--"

     "No, I mean, what if someone sees me?  People will... talk."

     "Um."  Akane looked crestfallen, then brightened.  "I just
had an idea."

     "Oh, dear...."

     ~~~~~

     Ranma was watching television without much interest when he
caught motion out of the corner of his eye.  He flicked his eyes
that way.  Akane and Ranma....  "What the HELL--!"  He rolled
sideways and came to his feet in a crouch.

     "Yo, Ranma," Kasumi said in a low, rough voice, swaggering
into the tearoom, then ruined the effect by giggling.

     "Jeez, don't scare me like that!"  Ranma straightened to
inspect his doppelganger.  Kasumi was wearing a spare set of his
usual clothes, with the bracers laced up tight.  Her hair had
been braided in a reasonable facsimile of his pigtail, which
wasn't a big surprise; Akane did his often enough.  The bangs
were about the same, the height was about the same; Kasumi's
build was slighter, of course, but still the resemblance was
remarkable.

     "What do you think?" Akane asked, as bubbly as a corked
champagne bottle.

     "Like I said, scary.  What's this all about-- or do I want
to know?"

     "This is so if anyone sees me getting into trouble, they'll
think it's you," Kasumi explained.

     Ranma stared.  "Oh, great."  He sank his face in his hand.

     "Well, if Kasumi-oneechan gets into trouble, it's a lot
worse than if you do--"

     "No, it makes perfect sense... dammit."  Ranma raised his
head again and eyed his wife and sister-in-law.  "What kind of
trouble you got in mind?"

     "Nothing much, just a visit to Tofu-sensei's.  Ready?"

     "Like I have a choice?"  Ranma inspected Kasumi again.  "I
see you didn't bind her chest--"  Whap!

     "You're not supposed to be looking there!" Akane stormed.

     "I think I'm havin' fun already," Kasumi observed in her
Ranma-voice.

     ~~~~~

     Out in the dojo, Pantyhose-Taro set the last empty bowl
aside and belched in contentment.  Then he tried standing up.
This time it worked, although he was still a bit wobbly.  Well,
by the time he found that damn doctor, he'd be ready to give him
the clobbering he deserved... he'd have to do it when Kasumi
wasn't around, though, or the bastard might get the attention
he'd just enjoyed.

     Or he could pretend to lose again....

     "I'm getting as loony as girly-boy," Taro muttered, shaking
his head to drive the unworthy thought from his mind.  That still
left the problem of finding out where his rival was; well, he
knew who to ask.  He tottered towards the dojo doors.

     On the walkway leading from the dojo to the house, he heard
voices coming from the front walk and stopped to listen.  Akane
and Ranma heading out, it sounded like, and then he heard Akane
mention "Tofu-sensei".  *Perfect.*  Taro grinned a nasty grin and
followed.

     As he came out the big front gate, he saw figures hurrying
away up the street.  As they darted from one streetlight-cast
cone of illumination to the next, for a moment he thought there
were three of them... and two of them were Ranma.  "Damn," he
said to himself, rubbing his eyes, "those nerve-strikes were
worse than I thought."

     ~~~~~

     Gertrude Nadelmann paused outside Tofu's clinic in the light
of the globular fixture over the door.  She looked apprehensively
around at the deepening night, then blinked in surprise as Ranma
and Akane came around the corner.  "Guten Abend," she wished
them.

     "Good evening," Akane said, also surprised.  "What are you
doing here?"

     "I'm just on my way back to my lodging," the German nurse
replied.  "I offered to make him dinner, but he said I'd done
enough already."

     "I'll bet that's not all you offered--"  The words slipped
out before Akane could stop them.

     Gertrude raised an eyebrow.  "Rude for a Japanese girl,
aren't you?  You speak your mind.  I like that," she added,
forestalling Akane's explosion.  "Yes, as a matter of fact, but
the poor dear pleaded fatigue."

     "Look, are you planning to marry Tofu-sensei?" Akane
demanded.

     "I haven't decided."  Gertrude smiled at the confused
expression on Akane's face.

     "But you slept with him!"

     It was Gertrude's turn to look confused.  "So?  I am a
liberated woman, ja?"  She dimpled.  "Besides, I wouldn't marry
someone I hadn't tried out... would you?"

     "Um...."  Akane glanced at Ranma, but found no help there;
Ranma had his hands behind his head and was looking up at the
stars, smirking.  "I did," she admitted.

     "Aha.  Congratulations.  Well, I expect you understand the
health benefits of getting laid from time to time, then."

     "Defin--"  Blushing, Akane caught herself.  "Never mind
that!  The question here is marriage!"

     "If you insist," Gertrude agreed, shrugging.  "No, I have
not raised the subject yet.  Men are shy, and to trap one
successfully needs proper timing... but you know this already, I
see."  She nodded to Ranma, who looked startled.

     "That's not how it happened!" Ranma protested.

     Gertrude bowed slightly to Akane.  "Very successfully
indeed.  Perhaps I should be asking you for advice, hmm?"

     "Heheh...."  Akane looked down at her forefingers poking
together.

     "Now wait just a--"

     The front door of the clinic opened and Tofu peered out.
"Oh, hello.  I thought I heard voices."

     Akane gratefully seized on the opportunity to drop the
subject; chatting with Gertrude was too much like wrestling an
electric eel.  "Good evening, Tofu-sensei.  Um, if you have a
minute, could we talk to you?"

     "Yes, of course," Tofu said, sounding unsurprised.  "Please
come in."  He stood aside to let Akane and Ranma enter, and gave
Gertrude an inquiring look, but the nurse defied his expectation.

     "Gute Nacht, Liebchen," Gertrude wished him.  "I will see
you tomorrow, ja?"

     "As you say," Tofu said, sounding surprised.  "Good night."
He closed the door as Gertrude turned and walked off.

     Around the corner of the building, hidden in the shadows,
Kasumi thought about what she'd just overheard and considered how
best to overhear more.

     Not far away, Taro tried a quick double-punch at the air and
frowned in frustration; he hadn't recovered enough to take on the
doctor quite yet.

     ~~~~~

     "So, about what happened this afternoon...." Akane prompted.

     Tofu sighed, looking tired.  "A lot of things happened this
afternoon, Akane-chan.  Where would you like me to start?"

     "Well, you were acting a little strange."  Akane glanced at
the window, noting with approval that it was open a little;
hopefully Kasumi was getting all this.

     "Ah.  That.  I had an accident with the, er, tranquilizer,"
Tofu said.  "The particular compound I chose would have acted as
a sort of mood stabilizer when smoked, but when ingested... well,
it's not called 'mimic-weed' for nothing.  And I ingested it."

     Akane's eyes widened in sudden understanding.  "So the
strange way you were acting--"

     "--was because I was actually acting like whoever I was
talking to at the moment," Tofu agreed.

     "So you were friendly to me, a little coarse to Ranma--"

     "Hey, are you sayin' I act coarse?" Ranma interrupted,
indignant.

     "Casual, then," Tofu suggested diplomatically.  "Yes,
exactly.  I was polite to Kasumi-san, which was probably better
than 'going all goofy', as you put it.  But that Taro fellow...
well, he's not a very nice person, is he?  So I wasn't very nice
to him, I'm afraid."

     Ranma waved a careless hand.  "He'll recover."

     "Yes, he should be fine now," Tofu said, looking at the
clock on the wall.  "But what must Kasumi-san think of me?"

     "Well, that's hard to say," Akane said quickly, glancing
again at the window.  "The real question is, what do you think of
Kasumi-oneechan?"

     "I--  Uh--  Ka-Kasumi-san!" Tofu squeaked dreamily as his
glasses began to fog.

     "Hey, cut it out!"  Ranma punched Tofu on the shoulder.

     Tofu slumped.  "Thanks, I needed that," he sighed.

     "Never mind, Tofu-sensei."  Akane pondered, chewing
delicately on her lower lip.  "But what are you going to do about
it?"

     "If past history is any guide, I'm going to behave like a
clown," said Tofu unhappily, "and your sister's going to go on
thinking I am one... barring some sort of miracle, which I pray
for every day."  He looked up.  "Er... is she serious about Taro-
san?"

     "Hard to say," Akane repeated.  "Are you serious about
Gertrude-san?"

     Tofu winced.  "Ouch."  He walked over to the window and
stared out into the night, considering his response.

     ~~~~~

     Kasumi retreated quickly and quietly towards the corner of
the clinic.  The voices from inside were carrying well, and she
could hear just fine from there.

     ~~~~~

     A couple of blocks away, Gertrude sneezed... and then
remembered a Japanese superstition she'd heard about.
"Nonsense," she muttered to herself, but she turned and looked
back in the direction of Tofu's clinic anyway.  "They could very
well be talking about me, couldn't they?"  She dithered for only
a moment before briskly retracing her steps.

     ~~~~~

     Taro took note of the canal across the street; the water
flowing sluggishly in it might be tactically useful quite soon.
Not right now, though; he'd see if he could beat this damn doctor
in human form before resorting to his monster form.  He squared
his shoulders and strode up to the front of the clinic.  He had a
good plan: he'd just pound on the door, and then beat up whoever
came out.

     He raised his fist just as someone came around the corner.
Taro turned.  "Hey, girly-boy, I thought you were inside.  Gonna
protect your doctor friend again, huh?"  The pigtailed figure in
Ranma's clothes stood in mute surprise.  "What's the matter?  Cat
got your tongue?"  His adversary giggled suddenly, and that
ignited Taro's ire.  He darted forward and attacked, slamming a
flurry of punches at the pigtailed youth, who dodged fluidly
clear of the bushes.

     Taro was just realizing that there was something odd about
his opponent's style when one of the punches connected.  "Oof!"
"Ranma", knocked back by the blow, tumbled to the street.  "Oh,
my!"

     Taro, about to follow up, straightened in shock.  "Kasumi?!
Oh, crap, not again...."

     "I'm afraid so, Taro-kun," Kasumi said, sitting up
carefully.

     "I, uh, I'm sor--"  Taro blinked.  "Look, what the hell are
you doing prancing around in girly-boy's clothes?"

     "Oh, this and that," Kasumi said lightly.  "If you would be
so kind?"  Bemused, Taro stepped forward and gave her a hand up.
"It's a nice night, isn't it?"

     Taro actually looked up for a moment.  "I guess-- argh!"  He
dragged his train of thought back on track.  "Never mind that.
What the hell are you doing here?"

     "I live here, Taro-kun.  Well, not HERE here, but right over
there here, if you see what I mean."

     "I know I didn't hit her in the head," Taro mused to
himself.  "I don't see how the clothes figure into it... but you
came to see that damn doctor, didn't you?" Taro accused Kasumi
suspiciously.

     "My, the stars are bright tonight," Kasumi remarked.

     Taro sighed, defeated.  "All right, have it your way."  He
stared at Kasumi for a moment, wondering how to get her out of
the way so he could mash his rival into pulp without... how did
she put it?  Oh, yeah: without her sympathies going to the
pulpee.  Her sympathies were pretty damn, uh, sympathetic,
too....

     "Guten Abend!"

     Kasumi and Taro turned and noticed Gertrude walking up to
them.  "Hey, you're that nurse, aren't you?  The doctor's
girlfriend?"

     Gertrude smiled brightly.  "Genau!  How nice of you to
remember.  We met this afternoon, didn't we?  Taro-san, I believe
the name was."

     "Just Taro," Taro said.  "Nothing after, definitely not
anything before."

     "Sehr gut.  And I think we have met as well," Gertrude said
to Kasumi, "but I can't recall...."

     "Hey, how about you and her going off somewhere and talking
about it?" Taro suggested suddenly, struck by a brilliant plan.
"No need for you to stand around out here on the street, haha."

     Gertrude ignored Taro.  "Wait, I'll get it...."

     "Saotome Ranma," Kasumi prompted Gertrude in her Ranma-
voice, also ignoring Taro.

     "That's it!"  Gertrude snapped her fingers suddenly.  "At
first I thought you were the boy from the picnic, Akane-san's
man, but you're that candy-stripper!"  She glared at Kasumi.  "We
agreed that you would leave Doktor Tofu alone if you lost, and
now I find you hanging around outside!  Shame on you!"  She
turned to Taro.  "And you're here to see Doktor Tofu, nicht wahr?
We will go inside while this person goes home; she's not allowed
in the clinic."  Gertrude took Taro's arm and escorted him to the
door while his mouth was still opening and closing.  "Strange,
she looks taller in the dark," she muttered.

     ~~~~~

     "So I--"  Doctor Tofu broke off at the sound of brisk
rapping at the door.  "I wonder who that could be?  Excuse me a
moment," he said to Ranma and Akane, and left the room.

     Tofu opened the door.  "Good eve-- oh, dear," he exclaimed
on seeing Taro and Gertrude.

     Taro looked over his shoulder, but Kasumi was nowhere to be
seen, and an evil smirk twisted his face.  "You got that right,
Doc."  He moved forward menacingly.

     Tofu backed up, waving his hands.  "Now, now, let's just
discuss this like civilized people, shall we?  I apologize for
the way I treated you this afternoon, but there's a good
explanation, really!"

     Taro kicked the door shut.  Fortunately, Gertrude was
already inside.  He followed Tofu into the next room, not
noticing Ranma and Akane at the other door.  "You can take your
explanation and shove it!"  Taro charged at Tofu, but the doctor
dropped, snatching at Taro's hands, and catapulted him over with
a foot in the younger man's midsection.  Crash!  Taro smashed
through the window and disappeared into the night.

     "I've done it again, haven't I," Tofu chuckled weakly,
getting up and dusting himself off.

     "Are you all right, Liebchen?" Gertrude exclaimed from the
foyer.

     Ranma wasn't paying attention to either of them.  "The
canal's that way," he remarked to Akane.

     "Oh, no...."

     Splash!  "MOOO!"

     "Oh, yes," Ranma and Akane said in rueful unison, but it was
too late.  A huge, hairy hand reached into the room, seized the
bug-eyed doctor, and yanked him off his feet and out the window.
Gertrude screamed shrilly.  Akane darted for the other room as
Ranma dived out the window.

     In the street outside, Taro gave a bovine smirk at the foe
held helpless in his abominable-snowman hand.  "Heh, heh, heh."
He contemplated the mayhem he was about to commit.  Smash him to
the ground and jump up and down on the crumpled body?  Tear him
limb from limb?  The mother of all noogies?  Suddenly he saw a
pigtailed form clad in Ranma's clothes jump out the window.
*Argh!  It's Kasumi!*  Faster than the eye could see, he handed
off his victim to a tentacle, which whipped it around behind his
broad back.  He spread his huge arms and empty hands in a
"Doctor?  What doctor?" gesture and tried to smile innocently.

     "You're bein' an asshole, Pantyhose!" the figure shouted.
"And fix that disgustin' face, willya?"

     Taro blinked.  *Ranma?*

     "Give Tofu-sensei back, or you'll be sorry," Ranma warned.

     Taro looked over his left shoulder, but the tentacles on
that side were empty of doctors.  There was no Tofu on the right
side, either.  He glared at Ranma and shrugged.  "Moo."

     "Okay, you asked for it."  Ranma cracked his knuckles and
stepped forward.  Taro suddenly remembered that his tentacles had
a habit of doing whatever they damn well felt like doing when he
wasn't concentrating on them... but what had they done with the
doctor?  He didn't have time to think about it, because Ranma was
leaping to the attack... and Akane was right behind him, with a
steaming kettle in each hand.

     ~~~~~

     Kasumi retreated to the far corner of the clinic as Gertrude
knocked on the door, not wanting to be caught standing in the
open when Tofu opened the door.  She took cover in the bushes and
wondered how to get across to the other side where the windows
were so she could continue eavesdropping.  She came to the side
door, and Gertrude's admonition returned to her: "You're not
allowed inside the clinic."

     "I am too," she said to herself.  She giggled a little at
her own rebelliousness, but it didn't stop her from opening the
side door and slipping in.  She'd have to ask Ranma what that was
all about... later.

     The room was very dark with the door closed; this side of
the clinic was away from the street, and the heavy drapes were
drawn.  She felt her way forward cautiously, heading for the door
on the other side of the room.  Suddenly her fingers encountered
smooth, irregular strips and she heard the rattle of bones, and
she jumped, startled.  "Oh, it's just Betty," she whispered to
herself in relief a moment later, but she paused there to let her
heart slow down.

     Then something large crashed into the bushes outside.

     ~~~~~

     Hot water sprayed from the kettle in Akane's hand, aimed
right at Taro, and he just barely dodged it.  She just barely
evaded his return strike, flipping aside in an acrobatic,
graceful movement, and Taro realized just too late that her other
kettle had vanished.

     "Haaa!"  Clang!  Taro flicked his eyes up, but there Ranma
was in midair just above him.  His bladed hand had just split the
kettle in half.  Steaming water cascaded downward.  As he shrank
back into human form, Taro realized in chagrin that Akane hadn't
called "Ready!" or even looked up.

     Fully occupied by leaping into his pants with blurring
speed, Taro was wide open when Ranma and Akane landed in front of
him and lashed out in unison.  Their perfect double kick knocked
him back through the window.

     "Yeah!" Ranma exulted.  Then the clinic lights went out.

     ~~~~~

     Gertrude couldn't see much of the combat outside the clinic.
It was dark outside, and well-lit inside, and that meant all she
saw were shapes darting to and fro... and some of those shapes
were impossible.  One of the shapes exploded back into the room
through the smashed window.  She just had time to recognize it as
the young man from the picnic and the street when the room was
plunged into darkness.

     Gertrude was afraid of the dark.  Fortunately, there was
someone to grab onto for comfort...

     ~~~~~

     "EEEEEEEE!"

     "That was Gertrude, wasn't it?" Ranma asked.

     "I think so."

     "Argh!  Leggoame, lady!  Oof!"

     "That was definitely Pantyhose."

     "Definitely.  What happened to the lights?"  Akane looked
around.  It was pretty dim between the badly-damaged fence and
the clinic, but her eyes were drawn right away to sparking from
the outside wall of the building.  "Um, Ranma...."

     Ranma looked where she was pointing.  "Ooops."  Half of the
kettle had sliced partway through the thick conduit above a
mysterious box mounted on the wall of the building.  "I guess I
broke the juice, huh?"

     "Looks like it."  Akane inspected the damage.  "Will it work
if you pull that out?"

     "I'm a martial artist, not an electrician!"

     "Well, so am I.  Give it a try."

     "I dunno.  It looks dangerous."

     "As compared to?"

     Ranma opened his mouth, then closed it again.  "Good point."
He touched the kettle-shard gingerly.  Nothing happened, so he
seized it firmly and started working it out.

     ZZZAAAPPP!!!

     "ow...." said Ranma, smoking lightly.

     "RANMA!  Are you all right?!"

     "yeah, i think so...."

     "Whew.  But why aren't the lights back on, then?"

     "i said, i'm a martial artist--"

     "I heard you the first time."  Akane opened the front panel
of the mysterious box.  "Oh, look, switches or breakers or
something."  Flip.

     ~~~~~

     Tofu groaned and sat up in the wreckage of his own bushes.
He remembered quite clearly being seized by a giant hand attached
to some sort of hideous mooing monster, then being flung into the
air by a ridiculously large tentacle.  The city lights had been
quite pretty as he sailed over the clinic.... the landing,
however, had been anything but.

     He rose shakily to his feet and staggered over to the side
door.  "Physician, heal thyself," he muttered, opening the door.
The light switch by the door didn't turn on the lights; he
flipped it again for no rational reason, then left it as one more
mystery in an unfathomable evening and started groping his way
across the room.

     His questing fingers encountered a ribcage.  *Betty?  No,
it's got-- oh, dear.*  The rough silk suggested the identity of
the bosom filling his palms, but before his lips could shape the
first syllable of "Sorry, Ranma--"

     "Oh, my!"

     Doctor Ono Tofu's personal world turned to stone and began
to crumble.  His hands, knowing a good thing or two when they had
a grip on them, stayed right where they were.  Then the door
opened and the lights came on.

     ~~~~~

     Released from her terror by the return of illumination,
Gertrude let go of Taro and stepped back, blushing hotly.  "I'm
sorry about that," she told the Chinese youth.

     "'S all right," Taro croaked, looking like it would take a
while to straighten up from the sidewise kink Gertrude's embrace
had put in his spine.  "Could happen to anyone.  Argh."

     Ranma and Akane hopped back in through the smashed window.
"Is everything all right?" Akane asked with concern.

     "Fine, fine," Gertrude said with a wan smile, brushing at
her hair and rearranging her uniform slightly.  "Where is Doktor
Tofu?"

     "Dunno.  We'll find him."  Ranma went out into the foyer,
stopped suddenly, and looked sideways.  He opened the other door
and flipped the light switch.  "Gack."

     "What?"  Akane went over to Ranma when he didn't answer,
looked in, and gasped.  Gertrude and Taro crowded in behind.

     His glasses solidly opaque from rim to rim and his mouth
tilted up a little on one side, Tofu slowly and creakily turned
his face in the direction of the spectators in the doorway.  His
hands continued to cup Kasumi's breasts.  Akane noticed idly that
her sister's face was a study in mixed emotions.

     Pantyhose-Taro's teeth ground audibly, and then he darted
away and out the front door.  "Liebchen!  How could you?"
exclaimed Gertrude to Tofu.

     Tofu's lips moved slightly.  Ranma could just make out the
words: "Zun-cha-cha, zun-cha-cha, zun-cha-cha, woo-hoo!"  Kasumi
reached out, took hold of Tofu's wrists, and gently but firmly
pushed him away.  He staggered back a step, and his mouth turned
up on the other side too.

     Splash!  "MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  The roar of an infuriated
monster shattered the night.

     "Oh, crap," Ranma said with feeling.

     "Zun-cha-cha--"  Doctor Tofu cavorted towards the doorway.
"--zun-cha-cha--"  Ranma and Akane hastily stepped out of his
way, and Akane shoved Gertrude back.  "--zun-cha-cha--"  Tofu
waltzed merrily into the evening.

     "MOO!"  Taro-monster's bellow was triumphant.

     "--zun-cha-cha--"

     "I've got a really bad feeling about this," Ranma said to
Akane.

     Akane nodded.  "Me too."

     "I can't think of any way to stop it."

     Akane shook her head.  "Me either."

     "This is gonna be awful."

     Akane nodded.  "Poor Taro-kun..."

     "Oh, hello, Monster-san!"  Snap!

     "Moo?"

     "You really should do something about that spine condition!"
Crackle!

     "MOOooOOO!"

     "Oh, your poor arm-- how did that happen?"  Pop!

     "Moo-ugh."  The impact of an immense body shook the ground.

     "What is going ON out there?" Gertrude shouted at Ranma and
Akane.

     "See for yourself."  Ranma gestured sadly at the door.  "I
can't bear to look."

     Gertrude hurried out the clinic's front door and stopped
short.  Tofu was dancing around a fallen hulk, monstrous, shaggy,
and contorted, its tentacles waving feebly in the air or locked
into excruciating shapes.

     Gertrude's horrified eyes fastened on its tentacles.

     Its huge, wriggling, slimy, sucker-studded tentacles....

     Gertrude drew in a mighty breath, put her hands to her
cheeks, screwed her eyes shut, and let out a scream worthy of a
Valkyrie, a scream which caused people for six blocks around to
drop whatever they were doing and dive under their tables,
chairs, and kotatsu.

     The scream ended.  Ranma, Akane, and Kasumi, who had come up
behind them, cautiously lowered their hands from their ears.
"Look out, she's gonna do it again!" Ranma warned just in time.

     She did it again, slowly backing away from the abused
monster, and then turned and fled into the night, heedless of the
dreadful darkness.

     "Oh, my goodness," Kasumi remarked.

     "You can say that again," Ranma agreed.

     "But don't," Akane requested.

     "--zun-cha-cha, woo-hoo!"

     "I'll go get the hot water," offered Kasumi.

     "Uh... I think it would be better if Akane went and got the
hot water," said Ranma, eyeing the cavorting chiropractor with
trepidation.  "I'll try and keep Tofu-sensei corralled.  You
just, uh, go hide somewhere."

     "Really?"

     "Unless you want poor ol' Pantyhose to stay that way, yeah."

     ~~~~~

     Taro lay on one of the clinic beds, his dislocations and
rearrangements even more awful in human form.  His eyes glared
accusingly at Ranma, sitting on the edge of the next bed.  Ranma
shrugged in a sympathetic way.  "Look, it's like this: when Tofu-
sensei starts goin' 'zun-cha-cha', run," he stated.  "I learned
that the hard way myself."

     "Mnggl fnf?"

     "I dunno.  Whenever he calms down.  Sometimes he takes a
while, and this was about as bad an attack of K-word as I've ever
seen."

     "Bff nfl grf fb."

     "Well, don't DO that, then."  Ranma smirked, hopped off the
bed, and left the room.

     "I feel so ashamed," Tofu was saying to Akane as Ranma came
in.  "I can't even think about it without-- ow!"

     "How's it going?" Ranma asked.

     Akane shrugged without turning around.  "I'm using your
methods.  When he goes goofy, I slug him."

     "Unrestricted Combat Aversion Therapy," Tofu muttered,
favoring his sore shoulder.

     Ranma and Akane both laughed.  "You got it."

     "Do you think Gertrude-san will come back?"  Akane asked
Tofu.

     "I couldn't say."

     "Do you want her to?"

     Tofu looked uncomfortable.  "Not really, but I hate for her
to leave like that...."

     Ranma coughed.  "Don't go there, Tofu-sensei."

     "Look who's talking," Akane snorted.

     "Hey, you--"

     The doorbell rang.

     "Honestly, NOW what?" Akane exclaimed.

     "I'll get it," said Ranma, going out to the foyer.  He slid
the door open and blinked.  "Wow," he said involuntarily.

     Standing on the doorstep, a tall woman gave him a cool, foxy
smile.  Her straight black hair was cut into bangs in front and
fell to her waist at her back; an expensive-looking dress peeked
out from under her white lab-coat.  Two sleek suitcases rested
beside her.  "Good evening," she said.  "I'm Kouka Megumi.  I'm
looking for Ono Tofu-sensei... my fiance."

     "Glah," Ranma managed.

     "Oh, Megumi-sensei!" Tofu burbled, shambling into the room,
his glasses misty.  "What a remarkable coincidence to meet you
here, of all places!"

     "My goodness, isn't this... interesting," said Kasumi
brightly, appearing at the other door and smiling at the newcomer
with eyes like little arches.

     "Ka-Kasumi-san!" Tofu warbled, whirling.

     Ranma staggered back and looked at Akane.  "Oh, jeez."
Akane nodded weakly.  "You got a plan for this, Cupid?"

     Akane nodded again.  "I'm going home," she said.

     "GOOD plan."

     ~~~~~ end chapter 5 ~~~~~

What can I say?  Sorry it took so long.  ^_^;

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst   FFIRC Frog
Prime:  seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.


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