Subject: [FFML] [C&C][r.5]Hengeyokai
From: "Kenji Murasaki" <nexuspost@hotmail.com>
Date: 3/21/2002, 2:10 AM
To: thrythlind@yahoo.com
CC: ffml@anifics.com


Haven't been able to do a good extensive review in a while, and this looks 
good. So let's begin, hmm? ^__^

   A small black-haired girl skulked through the back
woods of China, drenched and soaking.

And the initial alternate begins with an eye blink. Since it becomes 
apparent why this is done later, no big fuss. Although, I think keeping the 
hair color and doing something interesting with Ranma's eyes might be 
better, but I'm not really working on any prior Kitsune-like knowledge.

   "Stupid old man," Ranma muttered ringing out "her"
gi.  "Just had ta come ta this place."  She sat down
on a rock and grumbled as she slipped the gi back over
her body.  "Ya'd think he'd have known well enough ta
research why they were called cursed springs."
   She hunched over, not crying, most definitely not
crying.  Her voice was catching because she was angry
at the old man, she was not crying like some weak
little girl.
   The sound of a crash from the springs caught her
attention and she was up and running, a look of rage
on her face.  That had to be the old man!

************

   "Give up little fox!" the demon roared, laughing.
"You cannot beat us, no matter what shape you take."

What if she took the shape of a Fox Executive? ^_~

   The demon was a form of empty black and white in
the approximate shape of something human, but it had
no true form.  All about the scene similar demons
crowded in on a red-haired woman carrying a katana.

The battle is taking place on the astral plane, correct? Will the katana 
have any significance later, or is it simply a scene prop?

   Early!  They had come early, before she could find
eleven others to fill all the posts of the circle.  No
matter how adaptable she was, they were right.  Alone
she couldn't take them all.
   She panted and considered her options, and found
herself only one.  Destroy at least one of them and

herself can be deleted.

the invasion would be delayed.  Perhaps long enough
for another circle to start and finish this time.
   "Come on then!" she shouted, growing taller, voice
roaring to match the demons as she burst into a
fierce, cutting wind.  "Let us see how many of you are
destroyed before I die!"

************

   "I knew you'd come back here old man!!" Ranma
shouted as she burst into the clearing.  "Now get
ready to..."  She stopped as she saw that the noise
had not come from her father as she had assumed, but a
young man, maybe two years older than her.  A young
man that was currently gripping the guide by the
throat.
   "Stay out of this girl," the young man said,
smirking confidently.  "This isn't your fight."
   "Hey, who you calling girl?!" Ranma demanded.
   "Oh, I suppose you had a dunk in the pools then,"
the man said.
   "Yeah, whatever," Ranma snapped striding forward.
"Now put the guy down and get out of here before I
tear ya ta pieces."
   "If you interfere with me," the man said.  "Hn, you
won't like it."

I take it the 'Hn' is a typo? It doesn't really fit, unless this is Tarou 
grunting.

   "Put your money wear your mouth is pal," Ranma
retorted.
   "If you insist," the young man said, letting go of

Might want to switch 'letting go' with 'dropping'. Makes it flow better, 
IMO.

the Jusenkyo guide.  "We'll finish this after I have
my fun with this fresh meat."  He cracked his
knuckles.
   Neither warriors paid attention to their chi senses
noting the fierce battle taking place in the spirit
world.

***********

   The fox paused in one of her true forms, a small,
red fox that looked much the worse for the wear.  As
her enemies searched about for her, surprised at the
sudden "disappearance" of their quarry, she caught her
breath.  Then she returned to the astral combat,
bursting into the fury of a volcano's inferno this
time.

Might want to rewrite. '... bursting into her foes with the fury of a 
volcanic inferno.'


***********

   Ranma staggered backward, shaking her head.  She
couldn't seem to get around this guy's defenses at
all.  Maybe if she were still a guy she could have
given him a run for his money, but as a girl.  As a
girl she was getting her ass handed to her.

TAROU: Here, you dropped this. *hands Ranma her ass*
RANMA: ... Gotta go find some ductape.

   Still, a martial artist's duty was to protect, and
that's what she was doing.  She gritted her teeth and
arranged herself to attack one last time, still
wondering just why the jerk was wearing pantyhose.

***********

   She was focusing on one demon, or so she hoped,
they looked relatively the same, and she thought he
was weakening.
   The fiery body she had taken had given way to a
rocky behemoth with which she smashed into her target.
 Even in that form it was easy to see her wounds and
fading strength.  She was going to die soon, she just
had to take one of them with her.
   The demons and spirit barely concerned themselves
with the mortal battle taking place adjacent to there
own.

***********

   "Give up, little girl," the young man taunted,
finally breathing heavily himself.  "Your good, but
you just got that body, and you haven't trained in it.
 There's no way you can beat me."
   "I don't lose, jerk," Ranma spat, standing up
despite the pain that seemed to be coming from
everywhere.
   "Do you want me to kill you?" the young man asked.
"Don't think I won't do it."
   "I ain't letting you rob that guy," Ranma insisted.
   "What concern of yours is that?" the man asked.
   "Martial artist's duty, pantyhose-freak," Ranma
snapped.  The young man's smirking, superior
expression vanished.
   "Oh...now you will die," he promised coolly.

***********

   The form she had saved for last, empowered by the
water magic of the region, a standing whirlpool of
water, was now in play.  And she was dying yes, but
she could feel her opponent's desparation as well.  He
would die with her, and it would be another hundred
years before they could invade.
   Then the demon noticed what was happening in the
mortal world, and acted.

***********

   ~Ah shit,~ Ranma thought to herself as she felt her
arm snap.

RANMA: I had two more payments on that ligament!

 She gritted her teeth and kicked upward
into her attackers groin.  ~That'll hurt.~

attackers -should be--> attacker's.
*snip*

   "In thanks I will just kill you," the young man
said.  Suddenly he was growing into something huge and
bestial.  Ranma could only stare momentarily before
the creature slammed an arm forward throwing Ranma
back through the trees.

Could extend into that. '... slammed an arm forward into Ranma's chest, 
throwing her back through the trees.'

   The minotaur like beast flexed its muscles

minotaur-like

inquisitively after watching the little mortal girl's
flight.  There had been so many other things he would
like to have done with her, including use her as a
host for one of his comrades.  Still, a promise was a
promise.
   ~Such pleasant powers this mortal has.  Though when
his spirit recovers their may be trouble.  Perhaps a

their -should be--> there

deal is in order,~ he smiled and started to take
flight for the East.
   The plan would be delayed, until he could find
hosts or bodies for his other comrades and have them
all on the same plane of existence.  But it would not
be as long delayed as the fox had obviously hoped.


The technical/Japanese term IS Kitsune, isn't it? Or am I just way off base? 
^^;

***********

   The fox had reacted with surprise when her target
simply vanished from the spirit realm.  She barely
caught sight of it's dark soul appearing in the mortal
realm before her other enemies started tearing into
her, catching her in her distraction.
   The laughed at the small, bleeding fox as she
shrank down into her hybrid form, dying and
incapcitated.

I take it hybrid means cute foxgirl with ears and paws? ^_^

   "We shall meet our comrade in the mortal realm
soon," they laughed.  "And then this whole universe
shall be for the likes of us.  Have fun in your last
moments fox."

'Have fun in your last moments fox.' -should be--> 'Have fun in your last 
moments, fox."

   They faded away, letting the fox crawl off, hoping
to find someway to live.  Surely they had defeated her
well enough that she wouldn't be a problem.  And with
her gone, no other Earth spirit knew of their coming,
they were assured of victory.

Might want to switch up the word 'fox' with some other pronouns or nouns, 
since repetition can wear on a reader's nerves. ^^;
Also, 'And with her gone, no other Earth spirit...' -should be--> 'And with 
her gone, and no other Earth spirit...'


***********

   Ranma was dying, she could feel her life leaking
away.

KITSUNE: Ouch! Damnit, who left this puddle of life here?
RANMA: My bad. I'll get a mop.
GENMA: Look at all that wasted life. What a haphazard son I've raised! *sob*

*snip*
   The fox hesitated as she reached the girl, or boy
rather she could see both forms.

That's a bit of a rough sentence.
Suggest: 'The fox hesitated as she reached for the girl, sensing the very 
male persona within.' Or something like that. ^^;

The mortal's spirit
was hanging on tenaciously with the sort of
determination only that race of heros and villains
could attain.
   Still, she was going to die.  The fox thought she
could hold on another hour, maybe two, but nobody

Clarify which 'she' you're talking about here.

would find her in time to help her.  The other mortal
in the area was out cold from some attacker as well.
   She didn't have much time to do this, so she had to
make her decision quickly.  The time of mortals and
spirits mixing was long past, but if she took this
route it would begin again.  For this mortal would
have to find eleven more mortals to impart a shard of
hengeyokai life force to.  Twelve mortals, twelve

Oooh, new shiny word! ... What's it mean? ^^;;
Also, 'For this mortal would have to find eleven more mortals to impart a 
shard...' -should be--> 'This mortal would have to find eleven others of his 
like to impart a shard...'

animal spirits, to fight the twelve demons seeking to
break their universe.
   It had to be done.  She would die, but first she
would merge her life force into this mortal and impart
as much of her knowledge as she could before her soul
left for the heavens.  And the first mortal hengeyokai
in three hundred years would be born.

Then does that mean that she's supposed to be immortal? Cause if she is, 
then why is she dying... okay, I'll stop nitpicking. ^^;


***********

   Ranma sat bolt upright as something seemed to be
flow into her.  She arched her back, mouth open
silently in shock and surprise before screaming in
outright terror.
   She'd just seen a man possessed, was that what was
happening to her now?  Was something going to turn her
into a hell-bent monster?  The terror subsided as
images and things began to slam into her head.
   Images of demons and the end of worlds, her own and
the kami plane.  Snippets of secrets known by a master
shape-shifter.  Most important of all, the urge, the
need, the awareness that there needed to be eleven
others, and how to recruit them.
   Then it was over as something seemed to pass on, a
desparate and sad spirit fading into the ether.
Fading away with one message.
   "Stop them before its too late," the woman called
out.
   "What the hell?" Ranma asked as she tried to sort
out what she'd learned.
   "There you are boy!" a voice shouted just before
hot water was thrown over him.  "What are you doing
just..."
   "Hey!!" Ranma shouted.  "What did you do that for?"
   "You didn't change back!!" Genma blanched, what was
he going to tell Nodoka.

NODOKA: Yes, what ARE you going to tell me? *pulls katana*
GENMA: Um, well...the doctor lied. It was a girl the entire time!
RANMA/NADOKA: ...

Also, '... what was he going to tell Nodoka.' -should be--> '... what was he 
going to tell Nodoka?'

"And why is your hair red
now."

AUSKA: You have a problem with redheads?
LINA: We can solve that, you know!
PRISS: VERY efficiently.
GENMA: *gulp*

    "Change back?" Ranma snorted.  "What do you mean
change back...how come you're not a panda?"
    "But, but," Genma blubbered, trying to get across
the idea that hot water was supposed to change Ranma
back.
    "Never mind, Pop," Ranma snapped.  "I figure it

'I figure it out...' -should be--> 'I'll figure it out...'

out later.  Now we gotta do some heavy training,
because I just nearly got myself killed trying to take
on this jerk who has the gall to get himself possessed
by a demon just after a knocked his ass to the
ground."
   "But, but, but," Genma continued.  Ranma frowned,
apparently she wasn't going to get any sense out of
her pop until she changed back into a guy.
   "Of all the," Ranma muttered.  "It's my girl body,
I gotta train."  She shook her head as she willed the
change, not thinking about exactly how she knew to do
that.  It was natural that was all.

Suggest: It just came natural to him.

   Genma stared as his red-haired daughter became a
red-haired son.
   "Now, pop," Ranma said.  "I'm serious, gotta do a
lot of training, cause there's some fights coming up
that are gonna get messy.  Pop?"

Suggest: '...coming up that are gonna get messy... Pop?'

   But Genma had fainted.
   "Ahh, now what am I going to..." Ranma paused and
considered what had just happened.  "Errr...how did I
do that?"

[note: don't know if I'll continue this, have a lot on
my hands already]

By all means, PLEASE DO. I've seen a lot of 'the coming horror' stories, 
mostly in crossovers where Ranma portrays some long lost and forgotten 
Beowulf-like hero of old, but to my saddness, they never really get focused 
on, or drag on one uninteresting plot line, but I digress...

To sum it, you have a VERY good story in the making here. It is rough, but 
not so much that it becomes a big deal, although it could be. Ranma is 
solidly established, Genma's still a blithering idiot, and Tarou sees some 
use as the smug antagonist that he is. But can he do outright evil? I look 
forward to finding out.

And noting that there are more chapters in my box, I'll get to them 
accordingly. Once again, great story. Good luck on it, and hope I helped. As 
always, advice can be given, but doesn't need to be followed, so use what 
you will. ^__^

-Kenji M.

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