Miashara wrote:

DB Sommer wrote:

Been a while, ain't it?

Ah yes. Nice to see it appears your sending problem have been solved for the
moment. Or was this a one shot opportunity to reply?

That whole section seems unusually coherent for a Kuno, much less
Kodachi. Information and conclusions seem linked in relatively
sane ways. I'd spice things up a little.
"The second voley of missiles that hit us damaged the wing
structures. I was forced to make modifications."
"You armored the wings?"
"Of course not. I installed a projection TV equiped to only play
footage of ourselves in romantic liason so if it happens again
our last moments can be fitting. Oh, de amore."

The bad french is integral.

Alas, Kodachi here is much more stable than her Mainstream counterpart. This
was an intentional reflection of that, though she still tends to be an
elitest snob at times and definitely thinks she's the best Avenger. Not the
kind of attitude that makes teamwork feasible in a lot of situations. But
she's not loco. Tatewaki's pretty typical of his 'normal' self, though.

With his heightened senses, Daredevil easily picked up his new
comrade-in-arms words and could not have cared less. He wasn't here to
impress anyone other than himself. The opinions of all involved, from

cocky,

shield-slinging clods, to armored hulks, to oversized self-proclaimed
goddesses, meant nothing.

While he definitely seems to be lying to himself, both the
muttering about Ranma's -sama and the coming bit about Thor
hitting on him give that impression, the blatant exposition seems
off. Perhaps a shrug or sniff?

Seems a bit mild to me. I do admit to prefering the look into his thought
processes. As you say, he's obviously lying to himself.

quinjet up so that the armored warrior could gain easier access to the
engines at an angle that she claimed would help with an adjustment to

the

gyroscopes on the vehicle. That display of strength probably surpassed

Power

Man's, and Daredevil didn't even want to think about the hammer and the
weird vibes it gave off. Whatever power flowed through it set his teeth

on

edge when he focused on it.

Show, don't tell.

Ordinarily this is true, but there are times where the opposite is more
useful. I think this is one example and I'll explain why and see if you
think it holds up. The bulk of what's mentioned in the flashback to IR's
repairing is, frankly, boring. I could write out the scene, it's true, but
since nothing of importance happens, it's going to be slow and drag things
down. Summerizing it during a characters thoughts, as in here, is a better
way of explaining what happened without going through the hassle of writing
a detailed scene of a page or two of Thor lifting up the quinjet and DD
going "Ohhh!" The reader already knows Thor's strong. This is merely DD's
reaction to seeing the display of strength himself, otherwise I would not
have mentioned what had happened at all.

that perfect physique added to the list of the Captain's qualities that

the

blind youth disliked. It was becoming a long list.

You may want to consider shifting this to Mouse's perceptions.
Ergo= He observed CJ's heart rate and breathing for a moment
before shrugging. "I don't care if you are Mr. Universe, I can
still whup your perfect ass back to the mother land."

That would be more concise. Will consider.

At last, he turned his full senses to Hawkeye. Now that he focused
exclusively on the archer, Daredevil began to suspect that all was not

right

about him. Something about the bishonen youth was odd. It was in the

small

details rather than in any overt manner. The way he walked, the way he
talked, even how he breathed was peculiar. They didn't indicate

superhuman

abilities like Thor, but something else altogether. He trained the

totality

of his senses to the archer.

I get images of DD jumping HE and trying to hump his leg like a
starving dog.

That would be rather... ugly. I just visualized it and can confirm this. :)

Hawkeye said, "Is something wrong? I noticed you staring at me pretty
intently."

"It's because my life may be in your hands at any moment. It gave
me cause for concern," Daredevil deadpanned.

"Oh? Then get off my leg."

Urk!

Daredevil cursed his tendency to actually face people when he focused on
them. It had been necessary to learn to put people at ease by looking at
them when communicating. Other's didn't like it when the person speaking

to

them appeared to have their attention elsewhere, even if they knew they

were

Anyone female's gotten used to it when talking to the male sex,
why a sudden concern?

He's not a woman? :) In truth, due to his disability, he tends to be more
aware and concerned about than others would be.

talking with a blind man. He always did it out of habit now, and
unfortunately Hawkeye had noticed and was questioning him.

We figured that part out.

Think I should drop that line then, eh? Could end it with the habit part.

Daredevil tensed up at the suggestion and what followed. He went no

further

than feeling Hawkeye's heart rate leap slightly at the conversation and

the

archer's voice became slightly raspy. The blind youth recognized this

first

couple of signs and tuned out the rest. He wished he had paid less

attention

Constipation?

DD: And let's not get into the whole problem with 'Mine Gas'.

"We can come up with an attack plan together," Hawkeye said.

little description? ...said hopefully, nonchalantly, eagerly,
while reaching for his crotch.

There was way too much hope in that voice. Uncomfortable beyond all

measure,

but there wasn't. He just said it. Blah.

Actually DD is explaining the way Ukyou said it in that line, which I had
hoped would answer the first question. Think I should rephrase it so that
the 'hope' is mentioned in Ukyou's bit and just have DD get uncomfortable? I
can see where that would be better.

his senses. Of course it was only natural that his first instinct would

be

to assume Hawkeye was his best childhood buddy, and that had taken on

the

guise of a super hero. But then common sense returned and the Captain

nearly

kicked himself for causing a spectacle by hugging another guy. The

others

would think he was gay. And it was silly, really, the idea that this

Hawkeye

could be the same person from Ranma's own past.

I'd encourage an internal monologue vs the he thought this, then
thought this, etc.

Hmm. Okay.

After all, Ukyou had been a girl, and it was obvious Hawkeye was a guy,
especially with how he was reacting to the obvious advances of Thor. The

Um, I thought he was fending them off. That doesn't seem to be
odvious masculine behavior when being hit on by female dieties.

Heh. Now here I'm showing instead of telling. Remember from earlier chapters
that Ranma has difficulty in determining what really constitutes being hit
upon. He interpets a lot of behavior as possibly hitting on someone,
especially when it's involves   him. Sometimes he's right, but other times
he's way off. For example: He still thinks all three of the Tendo girls have
the hots for him when it's obvious they are trying to pawn him off on one
another. The above is another example of it. Ukyou would be astounded to
learn he thinks she's accepted Thor's advances, well, at least up to the
kiss part. :)

"Finished!" Iron Rose declared as she reattached the last plate to the
exterior controls. "Everyone get on board. I've already got the tracking
information logged into the control system. It will take us on the most
direct course that their plane traveled."

Is it going to take them on the most direct course or the one the
other guys traveled?

Follow their exact trail, even if it's roundabout.

Daredevil was about to explain, but changed his mind and entered without
another word. He had been beaten soundly, was trying hard not to pay
attention to Hawkeye, and the engines had distracted him. It was small
wonder he was imagining things. After all, the idea that a person could

be

the size of a wasp was absurd.

All right, I really didn't like that section. There was no
character to the dialogue. Did the cast have personnality removal
surgery? Where's Kodachi's lunacy/hypsersexuality? DD's, um,
anything? Thor had a bunch of thee's and thous but little else.
Even Ranma just seemed to flounce around. I caught hints of
people here and there, but was told "He's an arrogant shit. She
fixed the machine. Daredevil farted rudely." Come on. The one
omake was excellent, bring a little of that absurdity here.

Actually one of the reasons the omake was an omake was because it was too
absurd and minimal. This is more in keeping with the tone of the series I
intended, though the set up to this chapter is a bit dry. The real meat
doesn't occur until after take off, and then it shouldn't really slow down
much until all is said and done and the arc is over

Concealed within the compartment for the landing gear, the Wasp flew

into an

area that appeared to be safe, or at least where nothing would crush her

and

her unconscious companion. Her wait was over quickly when the quinjet

rose

vertically and the landing gear went up and into the craft. A moment

later,

the main engines provided forward thrust and the jet took off. For a

moment,

The main jet provided forward thrust? WTF? Didn't it turn on,
blast nuclear fire out back, rotate maddly, scream as they sucked
air through superheated turbines? The jet took off? Couldn't it
fall upwards into the heavens like a hyperactive chicken as
everyone inside clutched frenticlly for support, screaming
profanity at the pilot? You're boring me here.

Here's is where I openly admit a weakness in good vivid imagery. I'll try to
spice it up a bit.

the Wasp was afraid they would not make it in time, but one last burst

of

speed enabled her to hide in the landing gear without any of the other
heroes noticing her presence.

The other heroes were in the landing gear well?

Not notice her sneaking on board. Will try and revise.

For the first time since the start of the story, the trio of men

appeared

chilled. There had been no emotion whatsoever in her voice. What she had
stated was a pure analysis of the fight and carried nothing else. No
regrets. No hesitation. No doubts.

None of that, none of that. No exposition for you. Come on, this
scene so far has been great, good personnality, good dialogue,
and you're showing instead of telling. Don't stop now.

I didn't think it was that bad. That paragraph Flowed pretty well in there
to me. It was brief and to the point, and get's the boys reactions in one
brief moment.

The Swordsman's voice was heavy with shock. "How could they make you

kill

one another? You were friends."

"Forty five bucks and free snowboarding lessons."

Heh.

"Oh," was all Swordsman could manage to say. Even Power Man and Mint

were

struck silent. All three went to looking pointedly out the windows of

the

plane, silence reigning.

That ending is lacking. There's no individual personnality in
their actions.

No. It's not really meant to be. They have pretty much the same, subdued
reaction, which was in contrast to how they had behaved before the story.
That was intentional, there. Meant to show the tale pretty much killed the
whole Elektra as the center of attention bit that was going on before.

The rest was much better. I've noticed dialogue is one of your
strong points,

Agree.

 and the more of it you have the less you over

expose.

I'll agree about that in the opening, though I still contend it was
necessary as detailing the scenes would have simply been boring and made an
incredibly long chapter even onger. Besides, the truth is this was only
supposed to be a 60-80 k chapter that went to 130k. I had no desire to add
on to it anymore than I already had.

 As for action, I'd again recomend abreviating anything

that isn't description or dialgue, and adding more of the above.
George did not punch Jack. George slammed his fist into Jack's
head as plasma arcs crackled across his knuckles.

Heh. Again I'll openly admit I'm not so good at that kind of imagery, and
that was a perfect contrast to what I write vs what I ought to be writing.
Hopefully the second more action filled half will be more to your liking.
Just got the final preread in and will hopefully post tomorrow. Thanks for
the C+C. Mucho appreciated, even if I disagreed about the necessity of the
expostion in the start of the chapter. The rest was very useful, though.

D.B. Sommer






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