REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
A BAD IDEA WAS "KIDNAP"
THE OAVing
NACHO: Hey, everyone! Welcome back to our third exciting episode!
ACE: Exciting? You do realize that I'd enjoy counting holes in the
ceiling more than this.
SHEILA: Our ceiling doesn't have holes.
ACE: Exactly! Why do we have to do all this boring crap? We could go
shoot some pool, or head to the beach, or watch TV...
JUNK: Nah, I tried that already. The porn channels are scrambled.
ACE: I'm talking about culture! Sophistication! Honest-to-goodness
literature!
NACHO: You never read anything like that. Your favorite books have
chewable covers.
JUNK: I lick all of mine.
SHEILA: Face it. We're trapped behind a fourth wall, unable to do
anything but read fanfiction and mercilessly make fun of it.
NACHO: In that case, we're in luck today. Our newest entry into the OAV
42 hall of fame makes fun of itself.
ACE: Oh, good. Maybe we can quit early.
NACHO: It's called "A Bad Idea Was 'Kidnap'" by Rylan Hilman
ALL: (beat)
ACE: Are you sure you read that right? Maybe it was supposed to be
"Kidnapping was a Bad Idea..."
NACHO: Nope. Read as written.
ACE: Give me that! (snatches story) There's no way we can comment on
this! It's BEGGING for the treatment!
NACHO: That's why none of the other MST authors will touch it. But we've
proven at least once that we can go where no MST has gone before!
ACE: Straight into everyone's Trash folder?
NACHO: ... be that as it may, at least we'll give this story a decent
burial.
SHEILA: Cremation would be more than it deserves, I expect.
<BEGIN FANFIC>
This is my first fan fic. Read it for fun if you're that sort.
JUNK: Is that supposed to be kinky?
NACHO: If you're not that sort, read it as a class assignment.
SHEILA: There will be a test on chapters one through seven tomorrow.
==============================
NACHO: Begin with the train tracks and proceed around the board past GO.
(PROLOG)
NACHO: I'd prefer to do my programming in C++, thank you very much.
It was a dark and stormy day in Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-Ya.
ACE: <Ukyo> What the hell are these storm clouds doing in my restaurant?
SHEILA: <Tsubasa> It's my new disguise! I made my very own Stormtrooper
costume... but I ran out of money before I got to the Trooper part.
No sooner
had the sign placed outdoors than Ranma vanished.
ACE: <Ukyo> Hey, that's neat! My sign places itself outdoors!
NACHO: <Ukyo> And it zaps Ranma out of existence too! I need to get one
of those for Akane!
Ukyo Kuonji,heir to
the Kuonji Style,cutest fiancee of Ranma Saotome,owner of Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki-Ya,best-looking cook of Nerima,and a spatula tensai,
ACE: Try fitting THAT on your business card...
was
had Ranma on the grill while she stepped out to look at her sign.
NACHO: <Ukyo> Yep. It still says "Ucchan's".
SHEILA: <Ukyo> What's that I smell burning...? Oh, it's Ranma honey.
She'd been want to marry him," I can be Ukyo Kuonji Saotome
afterward. " When all of a sudden. the roof fly off.
ACE: That's what happens when you let storm clouds fester in your
restaurant.
" NOOOOOOO! " Ranma commented.
SHEILA: ... somehow, I was expecting a little more emotion than
"commented".
JUNK: I always use "ejaculated" for speech. It works! Look it up!
They who break the seal of Ucchans roof descented into the dining
room and look around.
JUNK: <Ranma> Gross! You farted!
SHEILA: <They who Break the Seal> Sorry about de scenting...
The first of two carries a tightly hewn sceptre
of finest bronze. The second conceal a two-meter sword of finest
bronze in the folds of his cloak.
NACHO: They can't BOTH be the finest bronze, can they? One of them's got
to be inferior!
ACE: I can't tell. The sword is supposed to be concealed.
JUNK: Is that a sword in your cloak, or are you just happy to see me?
NACHO: Not to mention the "tightly hewn" sceptre... How do you tightly
hew bronze?
ACE: What the heck does "hew" mean, anyway?
NACHO: "transitive senses
1 : to cut with blows of a heavy cutting instrument
2 : to fell by blows of an ax <hew a tree>
3 : to give form or shape to with or as if with heavy cutting blows
<hewed their farms from the wilderness -- J. T. Shotwell>
intransitive senses
1 : to make cutting blows
2 : CONFORM, ADHERE -- often used in the phrase hew to the line <no
pressure ... on newspapers to hew to the official line -- N.Y. Times
Magazine>"
ACE: Ah, I see. The sceptre conforms very tightly to the approved
standards for, er, finest bronze sceptres.
All the diners flee outward. The
first instruder is a tall female,pointing to Ranma.
SHEILA: Well, no wonder the diners fled. There's an instruder among us!
ACE: Cherry filled, no doubt.
" That is who our capture is intent! Retrieve for return! " she
spoke of him to him.
NACHO: <Sword Guy> I already know about myself, thanks. No need to speak
of me to me.
ACE: I'd suspect that these kidnappers were Amazons if they weren't
speaking in perfect grammatical conformity to the rest of the fic.
Whipping out his finest sword,the pentultimate intruder
deconsciousnesses the heir to the Saotome Style and returns to the
center of the dining room.
NACHO: Penultimate? Then there's yet another one coming?
ACE: And he's got an even finer sword than the one hidden in his cloak!
JUNK: Yeah, he just whipped it out!
" All done! Let us being our plans now! " he recieves as his second
instructed.
NACHO: I'm losing track. There were two to start with, then one more
comes in, and that one has a second?
ACE: And then they all turn into plans.
SHEILA: <Razor> Our plans being now we?
The two(plus one)leave out the not-anymore roof before
Ukyo(who raced in just before)has chances for tackle either of the
three.
SHEILA: <Author> Did I forget to mention that Ukyo raced in? No matter,
I'll just put it here.
ACE: Looks like no fishing for Ukyo today. No chances for tackle.
NACHO: "Either of the three"? ... Well, I guess she wouldn't try to
tackle Ranma.
" RANCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAN!!!!!!!!!! " Ukyo protested his abduction.
NACHO: Quite a forceful protest, that...
ACE: Don't you love the way she manages to stretch out the consonants
instead of the vowels?
NACHO: An unvoiced consonant, yet...
SHEILA: It's like screaming "ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!"
He knew her from a small yatai in the Kansai area when they were very
young,and their father both agreed that they would marry,
JUNK: Their "father"? So they're brother and sister? EWWWWWWWW...
and she would
become Ukyo Kuoni Saotome as a result,because she was the cutest chef
of okonomiyaki known nationwide.
NACHO: It's the law. If you're the cutest okonomiyaki chef, you have to
change your maiden name.
It was how it was meant to be,but it
was not now to be,because Ramna was missing out the ceiling,which(as
happened justnow)the ceiling was missing.
SHEILA: Just in case you thought the prose couldn't get any more
repetitive, we switch to repetetive prose.
NACHO: I can understand the urge to make a pun, but "missing out the
ceiling" makes absolutely no sense!
ACE: Maybe he was "missing out ON the ceiling". It was a very nice
ceiling.
SHEILA: Which, as the author repeatedly repeats, is now missing.
Since there was no one else to serve okonomiyaki to,so she shut down
the grill,make sure it's set for cooling,picked up her spatula weapons
of many a size and variety,and closes for the day. Her next mission is
obvious clear.
NACHO: <Ben Stein> Clear Eyes gets rid of that itchy redness, and also
cools off okonomiyaki grills. Wahoo.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
ACE: For your protection, we've fenced off the rest of the fanfic with
barbed wire.
KOUNJI UKYO and SAOTOME RANMA
NACHO: That's Ukyo's second name change so far in this fic.
SHEILA: I bet the government's tired of the paperwork.
adn
OTHERS from RANMA 1/2
NACHO: "Others"... Was he the one who gave Ranma the Dragon Whisker?
and
a SOME ORIGINAL CHARS
ACE: Original chars? So even the author has already burned the fic!
in
_______________________________________________
[ A B A D I D E A W A S " K I D N A P " ]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NACHO: Is that supposed to look like the side of a boat?
ACE: Yep. And it's sinking fast.
{ps. I've own my original chars,but not ranma chars}
ACE: Chars per line, far too many.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
NACHO: Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
(Issue One,Hour One)
SHEILA: Thanks for telling us. I'd lost track of how long we've been
reading.
It was a dark and stormy day immediately adjacent to Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki-Ya.
ACE: Tsubasa lurked in the alley next door, waiting for the right moment
to strike.
Ukyo Kuonji,heir to the Kuonji Style,was going to do
battle with the abductors of her kakko-ii ii-nazuke to retrieve,and
sometime in the later future,do marriage with.
NACHO: Of course. You always do marriage with the people who kidnapped
your fiance.
ACE: Kakko-ii ii-nazuke?
NACHO: One of the good guys from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, I think.
SHEILA: That joke's so far inside, even the people who are inside won't
get it.
But not yet,you see.
Do you?
NACHO: <Author> Nothing to see here...
ACE: I don't see! When do we get an explanation?
" Where did they go? " Ukyo pondered.
ACE: <Pinky> Yes, Ukyo, but where are we going to get that much orange
paint?
Since they went upwards,she
figured maybe they walked above the buildings,so she jump on one.
But no sooner did she jump on one than she still didn't see them.
NACHO: Actually, she didn't see them even before jumping on the
building.
ACE: Since she failed to see them immediately after jumping on the
building, she looked around and very quickly spotted them.
SHEILA: Walking in the sky above the buildings, just as she'd suspected
all along.
" Maybe they took to the sky. " Ukyo ran to the west
in an effort to reach Cologne,Shampoo,and Mousses Neko-Han-Ten,
NACHO: Interesting paragraph break there.
ACE: So, which one of the Amazons is the Neko, which is the Han, and
which is the Ten?
which was similar to Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-ya,but she didn't yet know
if it was closed due to missing roof like Ucchans.
SHEILA: Um... right. These people are going around destroying the roof
of every restaurant in Tokyo. Sure.
NACHO: <They who Break the Seal> A roof! We must break its seal to
return to our own world!
" I'm here! " she whispered herself,as she walked through the
Nekohanten,and there was still a roof.
SHEILA: Just in case she'd forgotten where she was, she quickly reminded
herself.
ACE: And Ukyo said " I'm here! " and lo, there was a roof.
Ornate neko figure draped
along the ceiling for decorated but it's still stormy immediately
adjacent to the Neko Hanten,so it's a good thing for block the hail.
NACHO: Sure, ornate cat figurines will block hail, but the roof is still
more effective.
ACE: It's a localized storm that follows Ukyo everywhere she goes.
" Sampoo! You became a wall! ",which was the voice of Mousse,the
waiter,who was trying to walk through the wall but couldn't.
NACHO: Whereas Ukyo makes a habit of walking through the Nekohanten.
ACE: I mean, Mousse may be blind, but he's not THAT stupid, is he?
SHEILA: If he can't remember Shampoo's name, maybe this version of him
is.
Cologne
stands on a table and look at Ukyo. There is a bowl of gomoku ramen
here.
NACHO: > TAKE RAMEN
ACE: Cologne shouts "Hey! You have to pay for that!" and hits you on the
head. You lose two hit points.
NACHO: > LOOK AT COLOGNE
JUNK: I'd rather not.
" What's your purpose here,Kuonjidono? " Cologne queried Ukyo,who
waited for the question.
NACHO: No point in waiting, Ukyo. She just ASKED the question.
" Two possibly flier warriors took my roof and took my iinazuke,and
they I lost them in the storm outside! " Ukyo expounded.
ACE: That's not really expounding. That's just a brief description.
NACHO: "They I lost them"... sounds like a case of each party losing the
other to me.
Then she
describe their attire,including the ornate gold-and-purple robes and
shoes they had on at the period of abducation.
SHEILA: <Cologne> Ah, yes... those shoes may turn out to be important.
Cologne's hair stand on end.
NACHO: <Cologne> (flying round in circles) Aah! Help! My hair's caught
in the ceiling fan!
This is story she rembered from long,
long ago.
[B E G I N 1st FlashBack]
ACE: Almost as if it were only a flashback...
NACHO: First flashback, eh? Hope that's not a spoiler.
ACE: You begin in the jungle. Drop down to the next screen and pick up
the message cube...
Cologne was young. As she explored,she saw a castle in the distance
where the soldiers wore ornate gold-and-purple robes and shoes.
SHEILA: Sharp eyes, to be able to pick out their clothing from that
distance.
ACE: <Young Cologne> They wear shoes... must remember that they wear
shoes...
[E N D 1st FlashBack]
NACHO: Well, that was thankfully short and contributed absolutely
nothing to the story. Why not just have Cologne say, "I once saw a
castle in the distance where the guards dressed as you described."
ACE: This author follows the "Show, don't tell" policy a bit TOO
closely.
"I know where they're base is,and they very likely used it as that.
NACHO: <Cologne> In fact, all they're base are belong to me.
ACE: What did they use their base as? A base?
SHEILA: A two-line flashback.
Now go and take Mousse and Shampoo with you,as their great strength
shall lend aid to your cause.
SHEILA: <Cologne> Although their stupidity will negate most of that
aid...
Locate Mukodono and return safely,and
I will give you this bowl of gomoku ramen. " Cologne replied.
ACE: <Ukyo> Wow! I didn't really care about rescuing Ranma before, but
for a free bowl of gomoku ramen...
SHEILA: But it's not FINEST gomoku ramen...
NACHO: <Ukyo> I already have to find Ranma! Why do I have to look for
this Mukodono guy too?
SHEILA: <Ukyo> If I bring back Mukodono but not Ranma, do I still get
the ramen?
Mouse found his glasses and could see Shampoo on the other side of
the restaurant,but before he could get her,Cologne arrested his
foreward movement with her long stick.
JUNK: I didn't know Cologne HAD a long stick... but it would explain a
lot.
SHEILA: Not going there...
ACE: <Cologne> You're under arrest for moving to the fore and knocking
over the cameras!
NACHO: What's the big deal, anyway? He's only a Mouse.
" Mousse,go with Ms. Kuonji to
find Mukou-Dono. Shampoo to go too. "
NACHO: <Mousse> I'll go, but why do I have to shampoo first? Can't I
just rinse really well?
SHampoo: " But grandmother,whoever shall mind the Nekeohanten? We
would be gone on our quest for possible weeks? "
ACE: She really sticks to the script. Format-wise, even.
SHEILA: If this grammar keeps up, they'll be IMpossible weeks.
" I am old,and have matered many a skill in Restarant Operation. No
need of worry. " Cologne reassures.
Shampoo is reassured.
ACE: How reassuring.
NACHO: So she's the mother of skills in Restaurant Operation, and she's
quoting the openings from Tenchi Muyo? I'M sure as hell not reassured!
" Very well than,to rescue him we go! "
Cologne turns to Ukyo. " Be sure and be ready. Those who removed
Ranma from your grill did so for one reason.
NACHO: He was getting well done and they ordered medium rare.
What purpose would that
be? Is Ranchan a great threat at them?
ACE: I always knew Cologne fancied Ranma, but calling him Ranchan?
JUNK: He was in love with her for more than an instant when he swallowed
that love pill, I guess...
I only had him for the grill a
tiny bit. "
SHEILA: <Cologne> Then I got one of those nifty George Foreman grills...
" Likely not,but their reason for capturing many a one is unvariably
for to marry with the royalty of them.
SHEILA: Many a one, and one for the royalty!
NACHO: Who's talking now? Cologne still?
ACE: No, those last two segments were supposed to be Ukyo. There's just
no break in between.
NACHO: (shakes head sadly) Ukyo just doesn't get any breaks.
You have probably a day or few
before they officiate this,then he will becoming on of them. " Cologne
summarized.
ACE: Summary: They picked up many Ranmas in hopes of finding one who was
royalty and now plan to sit as judges while Ranma comes on to them?
NACHO: That's exactly what I got out of it. Thanks, Ace.
Ukyo's collappse with grief. " NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! " she lamented. She
wanted to be the one to marry,not the royalty.
SHEILA: ... So if the royalty marries, she can't?
NACHO: Not to the same person.
SHEILA: Why not? Royalty was always about incest. Why not bigamy too?
JUNK: It's already incest, if Ranma and Ukyo are siblings. (shudders)
Then her resolve filled
all of it form top to bottom and she stands.
ACE: Her resolve took a physical form?
NACHO: She can use it as a club or as a body double.
" We'll go get Ran-Chan and for sure leave them for wasting! " she
vowed.
NACHO: <Ukyo> Let's be environmentally conscious! If anyone wastes,
we'll leave them!
" Now,my self and Mousse and Shamppo and perhaps others will
go,...but where? "
ACE: <Shamppo> Shamppo not know... maybe to castle of bad guys?
Colone pulls a paintbrush from a nearby table,draws on a napkin,adn
hands it to Ukyou.
ACE: <Ukyo> (reads napkin) "Wipe your mouth; you're drooling!"
" Here is a map to there castle fortress,and their
is yet another item you can utilize. "
NACHO: <Ukyo> Thanks... but how exactly am I supposed to utilize a
napkin?
SHEILA: <Cologne> No, it's quite simple. The castle fortress is THERE
(points to napkin) and the other item belongs to THEM.
She hops away to get some thing
from the back room while Shampoo and Mousse fight.
SHEILA: ... so, they're just fighting for no reason? Sounds like a
Dragonball Z storyline to me.
She returns with carefully wrapped and holy object.
ACE: The holiness shines right through the wrapping.
NACHO: <Cologne> Sorry about the holes... we needed an extra strainer.
" Since you like
spatulas,here is one of them. We have call it as Spatula of the
Ancients of Jokuzetu. "
SHEILA: <Cologne> It was once used to make the Okonomiyaki of
Joketsuzoku.
NACHO: Found only at SPATULA CITY! (spatula city)
With ominous tonal range," It could come in
useful handy on your mission. "
NACHO: Without ominous tonal range, it will be completely useless.
ACE: Not just useful; not just handy; it's useful AND handy!
" Ancient Chinese Spatula,huh? " as she stuff the artifact in her
backpack.
ACE: <Ukyo> Not quite as useful as ancient Chinese nukes or magic
spells, but...
" Very well,Ancient Matriarch,we shall soon ownzorize their
army.
NACHO: In a Quake III deathmatch! SW33T!
SHAN-PU! MUU-SU! It is time! " so the three of them leave the
Chinese food eating establishment.
SHEILA: Otherwise known as a "restaurant" to the uneducated.
----
ACE: A spear buried itself in Ukyo's chest.
NACHO: <Ukyo> Message for you, sir!
" Now,who else should bring along with us? " Ukyo thinks of
alliances.
NACHO: Careful. If you break an alliance, your reputation score will go
down.
Her first idea turns out to be Akane Tendou,uncute financee
of Ranma Saotome,youngest daughter to Soon Tendou,and also she hits
Ranma with mystical magical mallets.
SHEILA: Of course. The most important thing to have along when rescuing
Ranma is someone who will hit him with magical mallets.
ACE: I always thought Nabiki was the financee...
" I would rather not bring her to the attack,since she'll probably
capture Ranma and feed him evil and stuffing. "
NACHO: <Ukyo> While I will just feed him evil okonomiyaki with evil on
top in evil sauce, garnished lightly with evil and evil on the side, and
a nice tall glass of evil to wash it all down with. And stuffing.
but with even more
thought,she proceded: " however. . . . perhaps her titanic strenth
was able crack the castle we are to invade. "
ACE: Thanks. But our princess is in another castle.
Ukyo nodded. Such
usefullness is good to have. Don't you agree?
NACHO: No.
SHEILA: Quite a usefull nod, eh?
ACE: If you define "usefull" as "pointless".
The trio lands in front of teh Tendo-Dojo and walks inside. There is
a panda here.
NACHO: > TICKLE PANDA
ACE: The panda eats you. You are dead.
Akane is not in a good mood.
SHEILA: Is she ever?
ACE: Considering that two of her rivals just walked in the door, I'm not
surprised.
Kasumi has the table set
for several,but Ranma probably won't be able to eat tonight.
NACHO: I wonder why not. Probably a stomachache or something.
ACE: He'll be eating, all right. Just not at the Tendo Dojo.
Akane saw there was no Ranma with Ukyo,where he had last gone,so
she became suspiciuous. " Where did you take Ranma?!? " Akane accused.
NACHO: She's conspiciously suspicuous.
Shampoo speak up first. " The youngest Heir of Saotome was kidnap
early thes afternoon,by Ancient Royalty who wanting his talents plan
to do marriage with him. "
ACE: So now it's Ranma's TALENTS that are going to marry Ranma?
" HES CHEATING ON ME?????????? "
NACHO: A natural misunderstanding, given that Shampoo's speech is even
worse than usual.
Akane exploded in furious fury.
SHEILA: <Ukyo> (stares at the bits of exploded Akane) Man, she WAS
furious!
NACHO: <Solt> Furiously furious!
" Why that baka hentai ecchi sukebe chikan kudamono!!!! "
ACE: <Akane/Yosemite Sam> Rassa frackin' yassa fackin'... (fades to
random incoherent mumbling)
NACHO: "Why, that stupid lecherous perverted lewdness pervert fruit"?
The Japanese is as bad as most of the English!
JUNK: So that's what my Japanese aunt has been calling me all this
time...
Akane was
uberly upset.
NACHO: "Uberly"?
SHEILA: Having failed to produce coherent Japanese, the author resorts
to incoherent German.
" He deserves THIS! " as she form a large wooden mallet
with her very mind,throwing it into space.
ACE: Akane, the amazing telekinetic mallet thrower!
SHEILA: She could be a big success in the Olympic hammer throw.
----
NACHO: The mallet makes a Family-Circus'-Jeffy beeline straight for
Ranma's head.
At very moment,far away,Akane's malet returns from reeentry and land
on Ranma.
ACE: Seems like a screaming reeentry. EEE!
SHEILA: So a random throw manages to score a direct hit?
NACHO: It worked for the Tank Police.
ACE: Besides, as a male, it's got a very good sense of direction.
" Ouch! " he ouched.
NACHO: "Ah!" the reader ahed.
ACE: "Wow!" the reader wowed.
SHEILA: "Boring!" the reader boringed.
JUNK: "Orgasm!" the reader orgasmed.
NACHO: Junk...
JUNK: What? It works too!
----
NACHO: And that concludes this test of the emergency comic relief
system. Had this been actual comic relief, the paragraph you just read
would have been followed by laughter.
Ucchan,being the cute fiancee,kickslap the uncute fiancees gentle
firmly for good measure,at least for learning.
ACE: <Ukyo> (firmly kickslaps Akane's gentle) Ha! That'll teach you to
learn!
NACHO: <Shampoo> Why spatula girl kickslap Shampoo too? Shampoo already
agree to help!
" He's (=[my]=) cute fiancee and it shall be that I finally get to
marry Ranma after we reunite together after the victory I will
procure! "
NACHO: Someone's been taking lessons from the Kuno meets Mojo Jojo
school of communication...
ACE: Accented words are bracketed by smiley faces? That's a bit cheerful
for a declaration of war.
SHEILA: That style of speech is just (=[so]=) retro.
Ukyo explained to Akane,who wasn't listening because she
was sleeplearning after the last one.
NACHO: Learning by osmosis!
SHEILA: Remember: kickslap into sleeplearning first, explain later.
Ukyo kicks too hard,but she also
has spatulas. Which are sharp and stored in her easy-to-reach-area.
JUNK: But she won't let ME reach into it...
NACHO: What does having spatulas have to do with kicking too hard,
anyway?
ACE: <Fighter> Spatulas are okay, but I prefer swords.
Nabiki has Genma clean the table.
ACE: That's probably the most sensible thing said so far.
NACHO: Despite the fact that Genma is still a panda, this author is the
king of the non-sequitur.
Kasumi apologizes for her imoto behaving. " She's just a violet
maniac.
SHEILA: Well, being an unhealthy shade of purple would tend to make
anyone maniacal.
NACHO: <Kasumi> Usually Nabiki is much more polite when she makes the
panda clean the table.
That reminds me,I think you and Ranma Saotome would make a
perfect couple.
NACHO: ...
ACE: Talk about non-sequitur...
SHEILA: And I thought Kasumi WANTED Ranma and Akane to get married!
JUNK: <Kasumi> I hear what you and Ranma do in his room overnight...
Please take my food. As you travel. " she offers with
generously.
NACHO: <Kasumi> Because taking my food when you're not traveling would
be just plain rude!
ACE: <Ukyo> Yum! Takoyaki and miso soup with a side of generously!
The trio bows to accept the snacks,and off they go again. But no
sooner than they step outside than they see the rowboat of the Great
Kuno Tatewaki,Age Seventeen.
SHEILA: Is that a stage name or something? "Great Kuno Tatewaki?"
NACHO: I think Kuno's narrating the story.
ACE: Hang on. There's something weird about this scene.
NACHO: Aside from the weirdness inherent in the story, you mean?
ACE: Yeah... give me a second.
" Here comes the Kuno Rowboat! " remarked Mousse.
ACE: That's it. (deep breath) WHAT THE HELL IS A ROWBOAT DOING IN THE
MIDDLE OF TOKYO?
NACHO: <Kuno> I trust I have not offended anyone by purchasing Tokyo and
using it to fulfill my lifelong dream of owning the world's grandest
swimming pool. Akane and the pigtailed girl are naturally invited to
join me.
----
SHEILA: And the Kuno Rowboat grandly sprung a leak and sank, leaving
nothing but the flat surface of the water.
Indeed. However,since this is a newly powers rowboat,it floats above
the asphault.
NACHO: (sarcastically) Of COURSE! All power rowboats float above
asphalt...
ACE: Power rowboat? That's only slightly contradictory...
" My own oft-resplounded and high adequate skills to thy disposal,
fair maiden,purple hair maiden,and bespectacld washcloth.
NACHO: Resplounded?
ACE: I guess language is one of his skills whose adequacy isn't quite so
high...
SHEILA: Although I like his description of Mousse as a bespectacled
washcloth.
NACHO: <Shampoo> Why she fair and I not?
For an aged
maiden has explored the depths and crevaces of her oratory skills,
JUNK: That sounds really nasty.
ACE: How so?
JUNK: Cologne, exploring crevices with her mouth? Ewww...
just
if only to tell mine own self of all the great arduous and tasky
quests that lie along your density.
NACHO: <Ukyo> You're the dense one, pal.
ACE: Tasky quests? Sounds like they'll be workingly busy.
Yea,the path is trecharous,yea,the
enemys numerous,yea,your skills challenged,
SHEILA: <Ukyo> (kickslaps Kuno into sleeplearning) Shut up!
NACHO: And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: <everyone else> (weak cheer) Yea...
but it is of great fortune
that the silver-haired matriarch happened upon my presence,for
afterwards,she donned the Holy Garb of House of Kuno to bless the
rowboat with her her cooking,
NACHO: Cologne used her food to make a flying rowboat?
SHEILA: I thought only Akane's cooking was that potent!
ACE: Ah, but she was wearing Holy Garb at the time, and using her "her
cooking".
NACHO: Cooking herself to power a flying rowboat... I still can't see
it.
and when the bowl rold away,I,Tatewaki
Kuno,Age 17,Scion of The Kuno Estate,boarded a mystical magical flying
vessel that you,even now,behold upon thine eyes.
NACHO: <Ukyo> And I'd appreciate it if you'd get the damn thing OFF of
my eyes!
Yea,the boat is
rocking,and together we shall all come a-knocking,
ACE: You think this author even knows what that phrase means?
JUNK: <Kuno> So, verily, pile thyselves in and haveth us the Flying
Magical Mystical Rowboat Orgy!
to visit unlimit
justice at those who raise their hand against the pigtailed onna,
ACE: <Kuno> For great justice, take off every rowboat!
a
crime or which none can result but great justice dispensed from this
hand,this other hand,and this righteous and holy wooden sword,
NACHO: <Kuno> which I hold in mine THIRD hand...
SHEILA: <Ukyo> Ick. Kuno, put those severed hands away, NOW.
which
has slain many nations several times over thru it's great and
illustrious existance.
NACHO: Its very existence is what causes nations to die? Imagine the
terror if he ever USED it!
ACE: ... How exactly DO you slay a nation? It's nothing more than lines
on a map!
SHEILA: The tip of the sword is filled with whiteout.
No finer wooden sword,crafted from the Jomon
Era from the present time,exists save this very weapon carried through
the skys on my rowboat,
ACE: The Jomon Era is the present time, eh? Or is the blade made OF the
Jomon Era?
NACHO: <Kuno> (points to blade) And right here, you can just make out a
bit of 1456!
bless greatly,of the sole Tatewaki Kuno
(very,very unclonnable),BlueThunder of Fuurinkan KouKou! "
SHEILA: Uncloneable? He SAYS "uncloneable"?
ACE: No, "unclonnable". It means he can't be turned into Dr. Clon.
Kunou takes a breath. He did not know that the pigtailed girl was
Ranma.
NACHO: Of course, when he discovers that the pigtailed girl is Ranma,
he'll naturally stop breathing completely.
" When we launch my boat,we shalt soon be arrive at the fortress of
which thy ancestor spake regarding,
SHEILA: <Ukyo> How can you know where it is when I'M the one with the
napkin map?
ACE: <Kuno> She hath drawn this map upon a roll of toilet paper...
and our cause shall triumph mighty,
yea,for the Kuno Clan hat decreed it so!
NACHO: Is that anything like the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter?
And so! Now,will you enter
my sailing vessel for a cause of great heroic and herring due!? " Kuno
bequested.
NACHO: <Ukyo> What's a herring due?
ACE: <Kuno> It swims upstream and downstream, of course.
" Makes sense," Mousse responded.
NACHO: To him, it probably would.
Shampoo,Mousse,especially Ukyo climb in.
ACE: ESPECIALLY Ukyo?
NACHO: Well, it's obvious who this author favors.
ACE: Yeah, Kuno. He's had the most lines so far, and he only just
appeared.
Mousse rows even harder,and
the warp to amazingly fantastic speeds.
NACHO: Warp factor 8, Mr. Mousse!
SHEILA: <Mousse> Our speed won't be amazing! Our speed won't be
fantastic! Our speed will be amazingly fantastic!
" Just you wait,Ranchan,we are all coming. And then afterwards we
show them precicely WHY your kidnap was BAD IDEA. "
NACHO: You mean, it's not just because that's the title?
Ukyo oathed.
ACE: Because swearing isn't ladylike.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
SHEILA: This fanfic uses environmentally friendly astroturf.
(Issue Two,Day One)
NACHO: We went from hour one to day one... somebody has a warped sense
of time.
ACE: Wake me when we get to the second of anything.
The Cloud Castle Of Clouds float over an unlabeled sea,constructed
of the finest hewn granite timbers of all the land.
NACHO: NO! NO! There is no such thing as hewn granite timber, finest or
otherwise!
ACE: Nor is there such a thing as a labeled sea or a Cloud Castle made
of anything other than Clouds.
Along the tops of
teh walls of the squarish fortress,there is walkway of ten cubits in
depth,and chisled scarlet emeralds adorned the mellow aesthetics.
NACHO: (grumbles) We need some linguistic aesthetics... namely spelling,
grammar, and English.
SHEILA: I'm not sure how a walkway can be deep... but this one's about
fifteen feet deep. Isn't that a little much?
ACE: They've got an endless supply of rare scarlet emeralds. They can
afford it.
Kuno aim his flying boat at the castle in the sky,over the sea,and
cries out his battle cry,"AAAUUUUUUOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAGHHHAAAAAAAAARR!!!"
NACHO: <Ukyo> Great. He gets seasick.
Ukyo bap him on the head," For not so loud!! " she warn him.
ACE: General Cats wrote this dialogue. It has to be.
SHEILA: No. If he had, Kuno's battle cry would have been "How are you,
gentlemen?"
Shampoo
and Mousse keep rowing fast. The boat collide with the top wall with a
jubilant crunch,and pasengers tumble to the floor.
NACHO: <Rowboat> Hooray! I crashed and sprung a leak!
Along the edge was
already standing one who notice their entry,surprise at their ability.
ACE: <One who Notice their Entry> You have a flying rowboat? Cool!
Nonetheless,he steps forth to repel the invaders.
SHEILA: Now that's a powerful magnetic force.
" I am a prince known on this land as Thro Ewei,and a great and
nimble warrior,and that means great loss to YOU!!!! "
NACHO: I doubt it. He's probably just a throwaway villain.
Thro charged the
group,weilding a chisled blade of crushing to the fore as Ukyo
forumlated a plan of cunning to dispatch this foe.
NACHO: <Ukyo> I need to come up with a cunning plan... so what the hell
am I doing in this forum?
ACE: <Thro> Ha! You'll never defeat my +4 Chiseled Blade of Crushing!
" Mousse duck! " she announces
NACHO: <Shampoo> No, Mousse still Mousse. No is duck yet.
while Mousse croches down near the
finely engraved floor covering,established in some unforetellable era.
JUNK: <Ukyo> Mousse, quit exposing your crotch!
NACHO: Of course the era is unforetellable. If it happened in the past,
it's too late to foretell it now.
SHEILA: So how much does an engraved carpet go for these days?
ACE: More than hewn granite timber, I'd guess.
As he falls,Ukyo withdraws one of her twelve-inch throwing spatulas
from her patented okonomiyaki-seller outfit,
NACHO: And had she been smart, she would have patented the spatulas too.
leaned back and to fling
the cooking projectile to intersept Prince Ewei.
JUNK: So they knocked him into the septic tank with a spatula? Smelly,
but effective.
The startled prince naturally recieved the flying foot of blinding
steel locally in his upper torso,
NACHO: Naturally.
ACE: It would be too expensive to receive it out of area.
concussing his ribs to and fro,and
giving him his a surprise.
SHEILA: If I learned that my ribs could be concussed sideways, I'd get
my A surprise too!
NACHO: What is an A surprise, anyway?
SHEILA: Somewhat better than a B surprise, I think.
The impact collasped his now undulating
bravado,tormenting his resolve and downright crushing his mentally
declared association of attack/defend strategies which with hed plan
in an instant to heap upon the presumedly muddled intruders.
NACHO: Undulating bravado? Tormented resolve? Mentally declared
association of attack/defend strategies? Let's face it... the only one
who's muddled is THIS guy!
That
instant long gone,and his crumpling commenced forthwith,helped not by
his newfound inability to yawn,but rather accellerated by his pitch
towads the edge.
NACHO: ... Of course you realize that there's no main verb in that
atrocity of a sentence.
ACE: So, being unable to yawn doesn't help you ball yourself up like a
piece of paper, but pitching wads at the edge does?
SHEILA: If he can't yawn, he should try reading this fanfic. (yawns)
Finaly trip up upon the scarlet emerald railing,worth
hundreds more than his ornate gold-and-purple royal cloak,
NACHO: Scarlet Emerald Railing: $7529.34
ACE: Ornate Gold and Purple Royal Cloak: $17.87
SHEILA: Spatula-Proof Vest: Priceless
NACHO: Bet now he wishes he had a Mastercard.
purchased by
pundler over many a century,
ACE: Think this Pundler guy has a Mastercard?
NACHO: Must have good credit, if it's lasted him for centuries.
his thinking slowed to rumbly mellow
molases,as his conscienceness ceased,
SHEILA: I feel my brain turning to rumbly mellow molasses too.
ACE: If his conscience is ceasing, that means he doesn't feel guilt
anymore, right?
and,giving one final gasp of
sibilant wasted defeat,
NACHO: <Thro Ewei> Shhhhhh! I'm trying to die with dignity here!
flips off the edge and into the cloudly depths
from which his ancesters borne his queen.
JUNK: <Thro Ewei> (raises middle finger at the edge) It's your fault I
fell off!
Shampoo declared," That wasnt him,lets go! ".
NACHO: <Shampoo> We see how many more random peoples we can throw off
castle roof!
The quartet of
of rescuers charges the entryway into deeper recesses of the castle
without a name.
ACE: <Quartet of of rescuers> There's the entryway into deeper recesses!
CHARGE!
SHEILA: I thought the castle was named "The Cloud Castle of Clouds".
" Ranma,inside! Follow us this way! "
NACHO: <Ranma> If I was here to listen to you ordering me around, I'd be
rescued already!
----
SHEILA: They left a dotted line so that they could find their way out
again.
In this castle,there live a queen.
ACE: And she lived happily ever after. The end.
Her name was Amber Mojiri-Jou,tho
subjects of her merely called by title royale.
NACHO: <Announcer> And the two minutes are up, and ANOTHER title enters
the ring!
ACE: <Announcer> It's "-sama!" Yes, the prized generic title "-sama" has
entered the fray, and is giving "-dono" a real pounding!
NACHO: <Announcer> Twenty-four titles together, battling it out to be
the greatest title of all time in this incredible Title Royale!
SHEILA: Geez... you guys really know how to take a joke too far.
As great a warrior as
seen around this fortress,none has best her martially.
NACHO: Considering that the only warrior we've seen around this fortress
so far got knocked off the edge by a spatula... that's not really so
great.
She formerly
dropped into Ucchans Okonomiyakiya to retrieve her one and future king
to be,
SHEILA: Does that mean she's marrying an okonomiyaki?
ACE: <Priest> I now pronounce you pizza and wife. You may now eat the
groom.
sitting currently in a central bubble restraining his fury until
such a time for graet ceremony to occur.
ACE: So, this "graet" ceremony involves unleashing a lot of fury in a
bubble?
JUNK: Toss in some mud and women, and that's my kind of ceremony!
" Hold! Why do you do this thing! What you are doing is wrong! "
pledded Ranma Saotome,
SHEILA: <Ranma> You know what you doing?
ACE: ... Yeah, he's restraining his fury, all right.
encased quite rightly in the most seceure bubble
of the land.
SHEILA: I agree. Ranma most definitely belongs in a bubble.
NACHO: <singing> You live in a bubble, baby, the bubble's not the place
to be...
His Mou-Koh-Taka-Bisha had bounced back on him,and it was
all a not working escape.
NACHO: Had he studied Japanese a bit more, he wouldn't have used the
"Boomerang-watch-out-you-idiot" attack in a closed space.
" Do not worry thee. Later we shall wed and all to excellence our
nation be,together,with fun! "
ALL: With liberty and injustice for all.
Amber comforted(or attempted thereof)
the young Saotome,who in actuality was her exact same age,down to the
very day,which was a major factor of his choosing.
NACHO: <Ranma> Yeah, I think I'd like to be exactly the same age as
Amber Whats-her-name.
Ranma wanted to see his kawaii iinazuke Ukyou Kuonji(later plus
" Saotome " he hope) once more,so he desparately attempted to flee
once more.
SHEILA: Yep, he's an Ukyo fanboy.
JUNK: And he's going to tie her up and force her to marry him!
" KA-CHUU TEN-SHIN AMA-GURI HEADBUTT!!!! "
SHEILA: Sounds like he sneezed in the middle of his attack.
NACHO: The force slammed the back of his head into the wall,
demonstrating the single flaw of the Chestnuts in an Open Fire Headbutt.
as he rammed into the
encapsulatory prison a hundred times in one blow,
NACHO: What he DIDN'T tell everyone was that he'd only swatted one
hundred flies.
which knocked
himself unconscience.
ACE: <Ranma> Oh my god! They killed Jiminy! YOU BASTARDS!
NACHO: Ranma never HAD a conscience to begin with.
" What a sad,strange little man. " Mojiri-Jou observed.
JUNK: <Happosai> Why, thank you! And you, dear lady, are anything BUT
small!
When all of
a sudden,an aide to royalety rushed upwards to her place.
NACHO: Oh, god. It's another one of those royalety TV shows...
" Prince Thro Ewei tried flight off the castle wall and four
intruders seek to tell you likewise! " he warned excitidly.
NACHO: <Amber> ... Okay... now I've been told. So what?
ACE: <Aide> They've got a flying rowboat!
SHEILA: <Amber> And we're in a flying castle. What's so strange about
that?
" What. " she recoiled.
ACE: <Amber> Oh. My. How surprising. We're all going to die. Somebody
save me.
NACHO: Amber Mojiri-Jou, as played by William Shatner.
" He was a skill warrior,but he cannot fly.
Put me on speakerphone! "
NACHO: <Aide> Here you are, my lady. Speakerphone.
ACE: <Amber> Two large pepperoni pizzas, light on the sauce.
SHEILA: <Speakerphone> We'll have it up there in an hour.
ACE: <Amber> What happened to "thirty minutes or it's free?"
SHEILA: <Speakerphone> We have to refuel the jet. Delivering to twenty
thousand feet isn't easy!
----
NACHO: <Amber> Rats! Someone sliced the speakerphone's cord into tiny
pieces!
ACE: <Amber> If you can find all the pieces, I'll give you a Holy Stone.
Ukyo and her team bounded up an down the cooridors of the castle,
not once pausing for examine the dingy and/or fetid caverns which
interspersed the fortress,
SHEILA: <Ukyo> My, this corridor looks particularly dingy and/or fetid.
ACE: They call it a "cooridor" because they've sprayed so much beer all
over the walls in drunken binges.
NACHO: The builders were also drunk, if they thought dingy and/or fetid
caverns had any decorative merit in a castle.
but only focusing on righteous task at hand;
recover Ranma Saotomoe!
ACE: Ranma's married into Sailor Saturn's family!
" How are you,strangers? " a feminine voice boomed from every
direction.
NACHO: I knew it! It's Cats!
SHEILA: You do realize that half of our jokes have gone over the heads
of any readers who don't know about the Zero Wing opening.
NACHO: You mean there are people who haven't heard of it?
" I hear you throw a Prince over the wall,am I correct? "
ACE: <Ukyo> Yes, you are. He's now the splat on the ground formerly
known as Prince.
Kuno answered," Woman of Incorporeality!! Our quest is noble and
just!
ACE: Just dragging on forever, you mean.
NACHO: Looks like we're in for another interminable Kuno speech.
We have assembled,as you see before you,a team of fighting force
to liberate a woman of mighty virtue and undulating beauty,whom you
and yours have acquired through force and trickery!
SHEILA: It's the Justice Friends!
NACHO: Undulating beauty? Must be the Jellyfish Queen...
No member of a
civilized race,let alone a warrior whose defendment of the feminine
race surpasses the bounds of most earthy men,
NACHO: No, I have a feeling that many statues would do a better job than
Kuno.
can allow such a deed to
stand without dispensal of mighty justice!
ACE: Which is right next to the paper towel dispenser.
Therefore,we,comprising
this group of righteous fury,do declare upon this that day,your castle
will become as rubble strewing by our terrestrial crows in flight,who
pause to rearrange the ruins of olde standing by as mute witnesses to
similar evils perpretrated in generations long past,banished there by
all good and decent governments and systems powers by unerring truth
and love of all that defeated their unworthy foes!
SHEILA: Lovely anecdote... what do these crows have to do with the
Justice Friends again?
ACE: Apparently, they'll be throwing them out of the castle, and then
they'll do a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces of the ancient ruins of a
shrine to mimery, which have been sent to Japan by some "good and
decent" government that uses powerful computers to destroy the unworthy
with truth and love.
NACHO: Ah, like Sailor Mercury.
" Furthermore!!
NACHO: You mean there's MORE?
Whensoever such causes are meet opposition which
declined to stay it's hand,
ACE: Call!
it becomes necessary,nay,pertinent that a
good and just people throw off the princes that bind them to their
former condition
SHEILA: I bet they must tie those princes pretty tightly.
just as,in weeks long past,I,Tatewaki Kuno,Age 17,
did defeat and punish the unholy Ranma Saotome with throw potatoes
until his fling off my roof attained! "
SHEILA: Or, in proper English, he caught Ranma having a fling on his
roof and gave him potatoes woven from thick threads until he stopped.
At this exclamation,Shampoo and Ukyo slap him into a wall for
bed.
NACHO: <Shampoo> There! You sleep at that wall!
The Queen voice continued," Unfortuneate. However,to take [my]
Saotome,
JUNK: What she actually said was "that bastard Saotome."
ACE: A Bad Idea was "Kidnap", the edited for TV version.
you first fight a squad of our finest warrior,
SHEILA: <Ukyo> Just one guy? Shouldn't be too hard.
and then,should
you be possibly miracly pass them,you will face my righthand in a
duel,
SHEILA: At least they don't have to face Left Hand in a duel.
NACHO: <Left Hand> Wake up, D! It's a flying rowboat!
and if these tasks you pass,you'll do battle me. You may have
chipped my prince,but it won't stand! " she pronunced.
NACHO: Pronounced incorrectly, to boot.
ACE: <Amber> (picks up lamp) No! My beautiful Prince Edward lamp! Now
that you've chipped its leg, it won't stand anymore!
Ukyo counter:
NACHO: Ukyo/Counterukyo?
" Not Likely! You claim so,but I swear that (=[my]=)
Ranma will be go home with me! "
SHEILA: <Amber> Fine. We already cloned him, so you can take (=[your]=)
Ranma home with you, and I'll keep [my] Ranma here with me!
This make Shampoo grumbly,but Mousse
will distract her?
ACE: Not if she keeps narrating the story...
*click* The queen clicked.
ACE: Wow. Thanks for the sound effect. We would never have guessed how a
click sounded without it.
SHEILA: Sounds like she's got a bad joint.
Before them a door appear,and open.
NACHO: Supplies!
Behind the door
is the squad of warrior aforementioned to Ukyo/Shampoo/Mousse.
NACHO: A suspenseful pause?
SHEILA: He's combined all three of them into a single person!
ACE: A squad of "warrior" indeed.
Both
of them prepare weapon,and the warriors shine their purple-gold Boots
of Kicking.
ACE: Boots of Kicking, +2 to all kicking-related checks.
" GYRAAAAAAHH!!! " the battlers became enthused with there foes and
let fly.
NACHO: <Peter Pan> Just think happy thoughts...
Shampoo had bounborri to fight,and sent many a opponent to
flight.
ACE: If she's only fighting against bonbori, that wouldn't be too
hard...
Ukyo then finished off all who Shampoo passed over with the
blinding steel in her battle spatula.
SHEILA: Shampoo blinds them by reflecting light off of Ukyo's spatula,
and then Ukyo kills them. Nice tactic!
Mousse whimsicoracally encircled
the group,as possibly casual-tossing explosive items into the mix.
NACHO: I don't even know what to do with "whimsicoracally"... It's a
mythical creature, right?
ACE: Mousse might be casual-tossing explosives... or he might not be.
Kuno is sleeping. What do expect from an unconscious kendo master?
NACHO: Why, none other than the NEMURIKEN, legendary technique of Sleep
Fu!
" We're done here! To the next fight! " Ukyo lead.
ACE: <Mousse> If you know your way around here well enough to lead, why
don't we just skip the fighting and go right to where Ranma is?
SHEILA: <Ukyo> Because I'm just that dense!
NACHO: She's not leadING... she's MADE of lead.
As the quartet
(minus one)
NACHO: Which would be a trio, right?
ACE: Not if you read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
journey on,their next challenger as stand alone in his
room,wielding the two-meter sword of finest bronse.
NACHO: It's imitation bronze! You can see where they misspelled it!
The stygmatic
aire of his cloak bade a forebiddng presense about his stance,which
awaited his fresh new battle.
ACE: His cloak has a cancerous tune, which commands his stance to notice
things before they happen (which, of course, it's supposed to do before
he commands it).
NACHO: No kidding. I hope the fresh new battle has some fresh new
grammar.
----
SHEILA: An ASCII illustration of the two-meter faux-bronze sword.
Ukyo/Mouse/Shampoo charged into the room after a brief pause to
enjoy the snack packed to them from Kasumi. Than they meet their
next challenger.
NACHO: Wrong "then". That one implies a greater-than relationship, not a
temporal relationship.
ACE: Sounds right to me. I'd enjoy the snack much more than meeting the
next challenger.
He stand at 223 cm and outmassively roared.
SHEILA: "Outmassively"? That's "without respect to mass", right?
NACHO: <Challenger> (squeak) You can't get me, for I'm 2.23 meters away!
Ukyo
study his tactic while Shampoo and Mousse attack.
ACE: <Ukyo> Hmmm... He seems to be roaring outmassively.
His blidning two metres of flashing bronze cut the Chinese weapons
in twain,and his gold-and-purpleclad foot booted them handy.
NACHO: Blidning, defaing, and dubming.
ACE: Boot to the hand?
" Ai-yah,"Shampoo/Mousse appraised.
SHEILA: One of the most astute things anyone's said yet.
ACE: And yet, as an appraisal, it's utterly valueless.
Ukyo try decide on special attack.
But then she suddenly rember.
NACHO: She rembers the guard unconscience?
[B E G I N 2nd FlashBack]
NACHO: Oh no...
ACE: Flashback WAS the second. Out of this World was the first...
Ukyos otosan teaching her how to fight.
NACHO: "Otousan" has a long vowel in it. This is probably some kind of
derogatory term.
ACE: And you thought Ranma was the only one who hated his father.
" Use the spatula,Ucchan! "
is the lesson he instructs.
SHEILA: <Ukyo> I thought it was "Use the fork, Ucchan!"
ACE: <Otosan> No, you're thinking of the Blue Rajah.
Than he demonstrate using a natioanl
spatula of Great Power: " HERA-HAME-HA!!!!!! " and destorys a tree.
NACHO: <Park Ranger> Each tree has a unique story to tell, if you look
at the rings inside its trunk... except for this one.
SHEILA: This Great Power wouldn't happen to be the Saiyan Spatula, would
it?
[E N D 2nd FlashBack]
ACE: Is it just me, or are these flashbacks getting longer?
SHEILA: That wouldn't take much.
Ukyo think back to that time,and remember fathers ultimate beam.
NACHO: We noticed.
JUNK: <Ukyo> Oh, daddy... it was so BIG!
She
fights off some sadness,then retrieves her Ancient Chinese Spatula
from whence it lodged,
JUNK: <Ukyo> Sorry... thinking about my otosan always gets me in that
mood!
in her bandoler,and follows her training.
NACHO: <Ukyo> The dough goes on the grill, then add toppings, flip once,
and presto!
ACE: <Shampoo> Very nice, you make okonomiyaki. Now fight bad guy!
" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! " the unnamed assailant laugh
bravely.
SHEILA: <Assailant> I saw that flashback, so you can't surprise me now!
But all of a sudden Ucchan delivers a power beam through his
gut. " HERA-HAME-HA,KOUSEI HAN!!!!!!!!! "
NACHO: (sighs) The problem with Romaji... "kousei" could mean anything
from "justice" to "rebirth" to "personality" to "public welfare".
ACE: Or "proofreading". This fic could use one of those beams.
The beam firing through
her ancient spatula hits him about 55 times,knocking him for a loop.
SHEILA: Who counted?
" Wai! Sugoi! " cheer Shampoo,but then she pass out on Mousse,who
fell a minute ago.
JUNK: That'll be something to wake up to!
But no sooner did that occur than the speakerphone
resounded.
NACHO: <Amber> Oops, held the microphone too close to the speaker
again...
" Amazingly impressive,to say from me to you. But NOW you face your
ultimate challange;step foreward!! " Queen Amber Mojirijo declared.
ACE: <Ukyo> (steps forward) Okay, done.
SHEILA: <Amber> Very well. You have completed all of the trials. You may
go free.
NACHO: <Ukyo> Yay! (leaves)
*months pass*
NACHO: <Ukyo> Hey! I forgot Ranma!
----
ACE: <Amber/Yosemite Sam> I DARES ya ta cross THIS line!
Ukyo steps foreward,and finds herself,the Queen(in purple-and-gold
fighting garb and a tightly hewn sceptre of finest bronze),
NACHO: Naturally. Can't forget the impossible artifact that probably
serves no useful purpose whatsoever.
ACE: Except in a random three-line flashback.
and Ranma
sleeping in a bubble altogether in a throne room.
SHEILA: <Ukyo> Wait a second! I was just stepping forward! What am I
doing sleeping in a bubble with Ranma and the Queen?
JUNK: <Amber> What's wrong? Never heard of a menage a trois?
" In the name of okonomiyaki,release my Ranchan or I punish! And
that means you! "
NACHO: <Amber> Oh, good thing you cleared that up. I thought you were
going to punish Ranma.
Ukyou demanded,drawing forth a creepy warlike
stance.
SHEILA: <Amber> Creepy... how DO you get your hips above your head like
that?
" ... " was the queen shout to begin the fight.
NACHO: Your call, guys. Better or worse than
"AAAUUUUUUOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAGHHHAAAAAAAAARR!!!"?
ACE: Shorter and definitely pithier. I'll go with " ... ".
Ukyo try for beam
attack as before,but Amber deflect away with septer.
NACHO: Well, that attack went right down the toilet.
" Now for my royal mighty blast! " she exclaims,whirring her stick
as Queen of a Parade.
SHEILA: I bet this author just LOVES the midnight parades at Disneyland.
" NAISHUUGEN BEEEEEAM! " and Ukyo is knocked for
a loop.
ACE: Thus we learn how to judge the power of a beam... it knocks the
target for a loop.
NACHO: "Private wedding beam..." So this means that Amber is married to
Ukyo now?
ACE: Hey, as long as nobody else knows...
" What strength...but there are many like her all over the world! "
Ukyo realized.
SHEILA: <Ukyo> So if I beat this one, the others will gain that much
more strength!
NACHO: Lloyd Alexander we ain't.
Then as possibly depair,deciding Ranma wants a strong
and skill fiancee,she decide if to give up,when all of a sudden she
remember something else:
ACE: The English language has RULES!
[B E G I N Last FlashBack]
SHEILA: Thanks for warning us that it's the last one...
ACE: Rats! And I was looking forward to another sequel.
NACHO: Heart of Darkness, Ace. Heart of Darkness.
Ranma stood behind her grill.
ACE: <Ukyo> Ranma! When did you get a grill?
NACHO: <Ranma> Women have to stay in the kitchen, right? It's tradition.
It was a dark and stormy day outside.
NACHO: Because it's ALWAYS a dark and stormy day outside.
ACE: At least it's not still dark and stormy INSIDE.
Remarking on his cute iinazukes quality,he told her," Ucchan,when I
say I want you instead of someone,I mean it from the inside out,no
matter how you fight. "
NACHO: My, what an interesting choice of words.
ACE: Rather relevant, though... to an event that will take place far in
the future.
SHEILA: <Ranma> You see, Ukyo, to me, you're not someone. You're no one.
JUNK: <Ranma> And when I say "from the inside out", I mean exactly that.
[E N D Last FlashBack]
SHEILA: And suddenly, everyone in the story lost their memories.
This incouraged Ucchan,who leapt up and used all her spatula weapons
simultaneously,in a great flurry of exploding power.
ACE: <Ukyo> RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!
" CHOUHATSU DENSETSU!!! " she screamed as she kickslapp MojiriJou
into the ceiling,once and for final.
ACE: What's that one mean, Nacho?
NACHO: I'd better not translate. It might give Junk ideas.
JUNK: Oh, I already know that one. What I want to know is, why is Ukyo
using the "Legendary Sexual Attraction" on Amber? And why is nobody
filming it?
Then she frees Ranma from the
bubble,where he just now wakes up.
ACE: <Ranma> Took you long enough! I couldn't breathe in there!
" Ucchan! " he interjected,just before they kissed quickly,deeply.
SHEILA: How deep can a quick kiss be?
JUNK: Trust me, it can happen.
He then observes the castle," Looks like the battle is over. "
NACHO: <Ukyo> Yes, the battle is mine. But the war is far from over...
" Yes. Yes it is. Will ask me this time? "
ACE: <Will> Is the battle over?
" Yes. Will you do marry with me? "
SHEILA: Awww... he pop the questioning.
" HAI!!!!! " she agrees,blushing profusely.
ACE: <Ukyo> (embarrassed) Damn, wrong language! I'm so sorry!
The two hold eachothers
hand all the way back to the rowboat and they row off into the sunset
and then live afterwards,leaving their great weird adventure back in
their past.
NACHO: Along with Shampoo, Mousse, and Kuno, who seem to have missed the
boat.
ACE: They're not the only ones. But at least it's all over.
NACHO: Not quite. Look at the scrollbar, Ace.
ACE: No way! There's more? What else could possibly happen?
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
NACHO: Quick, barricade off the rest of the fanfic! Don't let anything
spoil the happy ending!
(Issue Three,Epi Logue)
SHEILA: Epi Logue must be the random foreshadowing character thrown in
just to provide sequel potential.
Kuno awoke from his bed in the wall,and journeyed forth to find his
pigtailed girl.
NACHO: The start of another average day in the life of Kuno.
ACE: Let's not make references to that Gosunkugi fanfic, OK?
But no sooner did he journey than he found Queen Amber
Mojiri-Jou awakening from her bed in the ceiling.
NACHO: In the wall, in the ceiling... doesn't anyone put their bed on
the floor anymore?
" Huzzah! It is the red-haired beauty I have sought after for all my
life!
SHEILA: <Amber> Was that supposed to be a pick-up line?
ACE: Nah. Just Kuno confirming the rumors that he's a stalker.
For I was for long and puzzlesome years questing after the fresh
and healthy and powerful Akane Tendou,whose beauty never failed her
day in nor day out,
NACHO: I dunno about that. All those times Ranma called her uncute...
and sustained my hopes of lasting joy,and also the
pigtailed girl,
ACE: So it's Akane's beauty that sustains the pigtailed girl? And all
this time, I thought it was Jusenkyo...
whose hair of flame-colored fibre kindled romantic fire
from the first day I grabbed her...
NACHO: <Kuno> ... by the hair, which came out as if it were a wig! And I
hadn't the heart to do aught but burn it in the fireplace...
but NOW I see the one and only
girl,nay,woman of statute whose radiant beauty,even from the ceiling,
shone radiantly down on my humble visage
SHEILA: Well, if she was on the ceiling, OBVIOUSLY, she'd be shining
DOWN on you.
not unlike as the sun reflect
its potent beam of photons off of the many vibrant flowers and natural
richness of the finest gardens of Hanazono anywhere,
ACE: Of course. What metaphorical garden would be complete without
photons?
including the one
in my own estate,which is professionally tended every weekday at five,
six,AND seven,
SHEILA: Next time, on Lifestyles of the Rich and Stupid...
and furthermore.. " *CLONG*
ALL: THANK YOU!
The queen put her sceptre back down on her throne, looked around at
the mess of her castle,the rubble from all the fights,the broken
capsule of Ranma,
NACHO: <Amber> Damn! She destroyed the clone, too!
and the unconscience kendoist at her feet and sighs.
" Ah well...the consolation prize isn't too bad-looking. "
SHEILA: <Amber> When he can keep his mouth closed, that is.
[Musical Interlude: Butterfly ~Upswing Mix~, DDR 3rd Korean]
ACE: And now, for your listening pleasure...
SHEILA: Is it a problem if I have no idea what that sounds like?
NACHO: Ordinarily, no, but now that Napster's gone...
----
ACE: No big deal. The record was scratched anyway, see?
Meanwhile,far below,several fanfic writers were having a tasty
feast full of the finest meats and cheeses from all the land.
NACHO: <Author> I wonder why I wasn't invited.
Prince
Thro Ewei lands on a nearby island. " OOF! " he grunted.
SHEILA: He fell so hard, he broke through the fourth wall!
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
NACHO: <Author> All these dangerous-looking scene breaks haven't stopped
you yet, so try this chain-link fence on for size!
[Disclaimer]
ACE: <Author> The author is in no way responsible for this fanfic.
SHEILA: <Author> Any medical expenses incurred as a result of reading
this story will have to be covered by your own insurance.
The characters of Ranma 1/2(Ranma, Ukyo, Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne,
Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi, Genma, and others I didn't use) are owned by
Rumiko Takahashi and those she licensed them to,
NACHO: <Rumiko-sama> (cracks whip) Back to work, slaves! Make funny for
the amusement of my fans! Remember, I OWN you!
SHEILA: <Ranma> I'm already seven times engaged! How could you license
me to someone else?
including, but not
limited to, Shogakukan and Viz.
NACHO: So Rumiko Takahashi has licensed her characters out to other
people, viz. Viz.
The events and persons in this fanfic
are completely fictional(oh, PLEASE let them be fictional.. )
ACE: Don't worry. I doubt that any of what you've written will ever
happen.
NACHO: Although the flying rowboat was mildly believable...
and any
resemblance to actual events or persons is completely unintentional,
SHEILA: <Author> Or that's what his girlfriend Amber WANTS you to think.
and the author is not responsibile for any injury, trauma, or other
detrimental condition resulting from proper or improper use of this
fan fiction;
NACHO: Such as reading it.
if you read the whole thing and get mad and blame me,
you should have stopped sooner and repeated to yourself, "It's just
a fic, I should really just relax."
ACE: Now, where have I heard THAT before?
Sorry 'bout that, but with this
sort of thing one HAS to be careful...
NACHO: Too bad the same can't be said of WRITING...
ACE: Tell me about it.
SHEILA: Well, see, it all began with a dark and stormy day in Ucchan's
Okonomiyaki-Ya...
ACE: Gah! (covers ears) I didn't mean like THAT!
NACHO: He's got a point. The story's not even over yet, and you're
already repeating it.
SHEILA: Well, there's an easy remedy for that, isn't there?
NACHO: I like the way you think.
<END FANFIC>
SHEILA: It was a dark and stormy day -
ACE: Shut up! I've heard all I can take of that story!
NACHO: Well, all things considered, it could have been worse.
ACE: No, it couldn't.
NACHO: Come on! There must be something good you can say about it!
ACE: No, there isn't.
SHEILA: Which is exactly what the author was going for.
NACHO: Right! So he actually succeeded in writing a very bad fanfic that
worked.
SHEILA: Is it really that hard?
NACHO: For someone with even the remotest grasp of the English language,
yes. It's very hard to write poorly without looking like you intended to
write poorly.
ACE: I think he just sucked and was trying to cover it up.
NACHO: Well, that's also possible.
SHEILA: Junk, you are NOT going to respond to that comment!
JUNK: (perverted smile) You think like I do... we might make a pretty
good team!
SHEILA: (kickslaps Junk into sleeplearning)
NACHO: See? We even learned something productive from this fanfic!
ACE: Now that's a scary thought. What say we just put up the credits and
stinger and get the heck out of here!
NACHO: Thanks for reading, everyone. We'll see you next time!
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
A BAD IDEA WAS "KIDNAP" is by RYLAN HILMAN (sabremau@yahoo.com)
-
" NOOOOOOO! " Ranma commented.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
PROFESSOR ASHFIELD: An easy way to make store clerks cry is to return
gift certificates for store credit.
My not-so-humble webpage of fanfiction and other random junk:
http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'