DB Sommer wrote:

Been a while, ain't it? 

"Forgive me, Captain-sama." The Iron Rose broke off her work and returned
ponderously to her feet. She gave a deep bow, formal despite the bulky armor
she wore. "The modifications necessary for our impromptu flight are
extensive to assure our safe arrival in these uncharted waters. I shall
endeavor to hasten my work so we can set upon our foes all the quicker.
There is but one more system I need to check, then we shall be off on our
merry way. Fighting alongside you shall be an honor, Captain-sama.
Ohohohoho!" She laughed maniacally covering her mouth with her gauntlet.

That whole section seems unusually coherent for a Kuno, much less
Kodachi. Information and conclusions seem linked in relatively
sane ways. I'd spice things up a little. 
"The second voley of missiles that hit us damaged the wing
structures. I was forced to make modifications."
"You armored the wings?"
"Of course not. I installed a projection TV equiped to only play
footage of ourselves in romantic liason so if it happens again
our last moments can be fitting. Oh, de amore."

The bad french is integral.

With his heightened senses, Daredevil easily picked up his new
comrade-in-arms words and could not have cared less. He wasn't here to
impress anyone other than himself. The opinions of all involved, from cocky,
shield-slinging clods, to armored hulks, to oversized self-proclaimed
goddesses, meant nothing.

While he definitely seems to be lying to himself, both the
muttering about Ranma's -sama and the coming bit about Thor
hitting on him give that impression, the blatant exposition seems
off. Perhaps a shrug or sniff? 
 

Boredom threatened to consume him while Iron Rose fiddled around with the
vehicle. Daredevil used the extra time to focus his senses on the people
upon whom his life might very well depend. Only Thor really impressed him.
By the way the ground vibrated wherever she tread, Thor was far heavier than
a normal human. Earlier at the Iron Rose's request, she had lifted the
quinjet up so that the armored warrior could gain easier access to the
engines at an angle that she claimed would help with an adjustment to the
gyroscopes on the vehicle. That display of strength probably surpassed Power
Man's, and Daredevil didn't even want to think about the hammer and the
weird vibes it gave off. Whatever power flowed through it set his teeth on
edge when he focused on it.

Show, don't tell. 
 

His attention turned to Captain Japan. There was nothing unusual about him,
save his physique, which was as close to human perfection as Daredevil had
ever sensed. Heart rate, blood pressure, perspiration, everything was in
peak condition. It was unsettling to meet someone who was in superior
physical shape to Mousse, who had trained as hard as possible for the
majority of his life to be the best that he could be. Of course there was
more to a fight than mere physical conditioning. There was skill, as well as
heart and will, which Daredevil possessed in abundance. He was secure in the
knowledge he could take the arrogant super-hero in a straight fight, but
that perfect physique added to the list of the Captain's qualities that the
blind youth disliked. It was becoming a long list.

You may want to consider shifting this to Mouse's perceptions.
Ergo= He observed CJ's heart rate and breathing for a moment
before shrugging. "I don't care if you are Mr. Universe, I can
still whup your perfect ass back to the mother land."
 

At last, he turned his full senses to Hawkeye. Now that he focused
exclusively on the archer, Daredevil began to suspect that all was not right
about him. Something about the bishonen youth was odd. It was in the small
details rather than in any overt manner. The way he walked, the way he
talked, even how he breathed was peculiar. They didn't indicate superhuman
abilities like Thor, but something else altogether. He trained the totality
of his senses to the archer.

I get images of DD jumping HE and trying to hump his leg like a
starving dog.
 

Somehow, Hawkeye seemed to pick up on his interest and approached. That took
Daredevil aback; he had wanted to examine him surreptitiously. He sensed
Hawkeye was going to speak, and concentrated on the words and the reaction
the archer's body gave.

Hawkeye said, "Is something wrong? I noticed you staring at me pretty
intently."

"It's because my life may be in your hands at any moment. It gave
me cause for concern," Daredevil deadpanned.

"Oh? Then get off my leg."
 

Daredevil cursed his tendency to actually face people when he focused on
them. It had been necessary to learn to put people at ease by looking at
them when communicating. Other's didn't like it when the person speaking to
them appeared to have their attention elsewhere, even if they knew they were

Anyone female's gotten used to it when talking to the male sex,
why a sudden concern?

talking with a blind man. He always did it out of habit now, and
unfortunately Hawkeye had noticed and was questioning him.

We figured that part out.
 

Daredevil tensed up at the suggestion and what followed. He went no further
than feeling Hawkeye's heart rate leap slightly at the conversation and the
archer's voice became slightly raspy. The blind youth recognized this first
couple of signs and tuned out the rest. He wished he had paid less attention

Constipation?

"We can come up with an attack plan together," Hawkeye said.

little description? ...said hopefully, nonchalantly, eagerly,
while reaching for his crotch.
 

There was way too much hope in that voice. Uncomfortable beyond all measure,

but there wasn't. He just said it. Blah.

As the two began to come up with a battle strategy, Captain Japan held back,
watching Hawkeye intently. This was bizarre, almost surreal, in a way. It
made him wonder what kind of world it was where two people that were great
shots with arrows had the same nickname. The first time he heard the archer
called "Hawkeye" by Thor, he nearly fell over in shock. His first instinct
was to run over and hug the purple-garbed adventurer, but then he recovered
his senses. Of course it was only natural that his first instinct would be
to assume Hawkeye was his best childhood buddy, and that had taken on the
guise of a super hero. But then common sense returned and the Captain nearly
kicked himself for causing a spectacle by hugging another guy. The others
would think he was gay. And it was silly, really, the idea that this Hawkeye
could be the same person from Ranma's own past.

I'd encourage an internal monologue vs the he thought this, then
thought this, etc.
 

After all, Ukyou had been a girl, and it was obvious Hawkeye was a guy,
especially with how he was reacting to the obvious advances of Thor. The

Um, I thought he was fending them off. That doesn't seem to be
odvious masculine behavior when being hit on by female dieties.

"Finished!" Iron Rose declared as she reattached the last plate to the
exterior controls. "Everyone get on board. I've already got the tracking
information logged into the control system. It will take us on the most
direct course that their plane traveled."

Is it going to take them on the most direct course or the one the
other guys traveled? 
 

Daredevil was about to explain, but changed his mind and entered without
another word. He had been beaten soundly, was trying hard not to pay
attention to Hawkeye, and the engines had distracted him. It was small
wonder he was imagining things. After all, the idea that a person could be
the size of a wasp was absurd.

All right, I really didn't like that section. There was no
character to the dialogue. Did the cast have personnality removal
surgery? Where's Kodachi's lunacy/hypsersexuality? DD's, um,
anything? Thor had a bunch of thee's and thous but little else.
Even Ranma just seemed to flounce around. I caught hints of
people here and there, but was told "He's an arrogant shit. She
fixed the machine. Daredevil farted rudely." Come on. The one
omake was excellent, bring a little of that absurdity here.
 

Concealed within the compartment for the landing gear, the Wasp flew into an
area that appeared to be safe, or at least where nothing would crush her and
her unconscious companion. Her wait was over quickly when the quinjet rose
vertically and the landing gear went up and into the craft. A moment later,
the main engines provided forward thrust and the jet took off. For a moment,

The main jet provided forward thrust? WTF? Didn't it turn on,
blast nuclear fire out back, rotate maddly, scream as they sucked
air through superheated turbines? The jet took off? Couldn't it
fall upwards into the heavens like a hyperactive chicken as
everyone inside clutched frenticlly for support, screaming
profanity at the pilot? You're boring me here.

the Wasp was afraid they would not make it in time, but one last burst of
speed enabled her to hide in the landing gear without any of the other
heroes noticing her presence.

The other heroes were in the landing gear well?
 

For the first time since the start of the story, the trio of men appeared
chilled. There had been no emotion whatsoever in her voice. What she had
stated was a pure analysis of the fight and carried nothing else. No
regrets. No hesitation. No doubts.

None of that, none of that. No exposition for you. Come on, this
scene so far has been great, good personnality, good dialogue,
and you're showing instead of telling. Don't stop now.
 

The Swordsman's voice was heavy with shock. "How could they make you kill
one another? You were friends."

"Forty five bucks and free snowboarding lessons."
 

"Oh," was all Swordsman could manage to say. Even Power Man and Mint were
struck silent. All three went to looking pointedly out the windows of the
plane, silence reigning.

That ending is lacking. There's no individual personnality in
their actions.
 
The rest was much better. I've noticed dialogue is one of your
strong points, and the more of it you have the less you over
expose. As for action, I'd again recomend abreviating anything
that isn't description or dialgue, and adding more of the above.
George did not punch Jack. George slammed his fist into Jack's
head as plasma arcs crackled across his knuckles.


Miashara

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'