Roja Cyd <roja_cyd@yahoo.ca> writes:

Note: Still looking for C&C or comments. Thank you.

Oi!

            =C2=93She is just a little cub, still,=C2=94 laughed her
guardian, Qiyar Al-Nasrullah, a warrior himself. He was Akane=C2=92s
uncle, a giant and dusty warrior, who had always seemed to loom over
little Akane.

I really like these new characters, and I very very rarely like new
characters in fan fiction. I'm not sure exactly why though. The whole
story is a little sparse, but very likeable.

The whole court had turned up to meet her. Here was one of their
princesses, returned from a foreign land. They were surprised at her
beauty, her large, dark eyes and soft, silky black hair. Her
sisters=C2=92 hair was brown. Akane had roses in her cheeks and she was
a sturdy child dressed in the flowing desert caftan of Jin.

Arabian-esque Akane and friends! I like it!

pretty young princesses, but their glances constantly assessed the
need for flight, and they hid behind their mother and her handmaidens

Forgot a period here.

=20
=C2=93I won=C2=92t have her presence corrupting him,=C2=94 he said. =C2=

=93She

will see him at dinners and that=C2=92s all the contact necessary.=C2=94
And none would gainsay him.
=20

This is a little awkward. I'd insert "contact that is necessary."

There was the sound of footsteps on the stairs. The guard shoved Akane
into an empty room. =C2=93Stay there till I come get you.=C2=94
=20
Akane heard a voice. It was Jso, Genma=C2=92s lover. He strode past the
guards and pulled open the door. He disappeared inside.

Err...hmm.

Ranma hung from manacles, his tunic shredded from repeated blows. His
guard was taking him down and she could see his bloodied back.
=20
His trousers hung around his ankles.

Ouch...that sucks. >_<

=C2=93Come here, Akane,=C2=94 Ranma said. She hesitated. Ranma stood up,
and went to her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and stared down
at her. Then he leaned down and brushed a soft kiss across her lips.

They seem a little grown up for 7, but that might be understandable.

=C2=93I=C2=92ll grow strong, Ranma. I will!=C2=94 Akane vowed in her small
palanquin, staring back at the city of Jiya. =C2=93And then I=C2=92ll come
back and save you!=C2=94

Over all, I really like this story. It's a nice setting, with some
good bits of characterization. It leaves me wanting somewhat
though. What does the sky look like? What furnishings do they have?
You have the bones, I want the flesh, blood, and tears. Please
consider adding in some detail, it would contribute to an already
interesting story.

Colleen

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