DB Sommer wrote:
Here's the first half of chapter 9. As usual, this thing has grown on me
with every page I write. Second half is actually done, and I'm sending it to
prereaders now.
Now there's something to look forward to. :)
Standard Disclaimer: Various anime characters are owned by their respective
creators. The super heroes owned by Marvel Comics Company
?
Looks like something got cut off.
Anyway, feel free to ignore my comments if they don't help you.
"No." Oversized gaijin harlot. More relays were fused to their various
system. The prototype quinjet had only been test flown twice and even then
it was over short distances. It wasn't outfitted for proper
inter-continental flight yet.
system -- systems (?)
"No!" What statement was that idiotic robe and devil mask supposed to make
anyway? Was it red to hide the fact that he bled easily, or was the twit
color-blind? She grit her teeth in annoyance as she rechecked the monitors
in the cockpit.
Color-blind... heh.
"Yo' Shellhead, this is taking a while."
Yo' Shellhead -- Yo', Shellhead (I think)
Though, the apostraphe is supposed to indicate something being
dropped. I can't figure out what word Ranma's saying that has something
dropped like that, though.
So it might actually just be "Yo, Shellhead..."
"Why does he get a 'sama' while I just get a snarl from the tin can?"
Daredevil mumbled to himself as he turned away from the work.
Akane/Thor: Because you're an idiot?
Daredevil: Stick says that, too.
At the last moment, the red-garbed adventurer effortlessly reached behind
him and snatched the nut out of mid-air without turning around. "You dropped
this." He calmly stated as he tossed the nut over his shoulder. The Iron
Rose caught the unerringly thrown projectile out of mid-air.
this." He -- this," he
Daredevil cursed his tendency to actually face people when he focused on
them. It had been necessary to learn to put people at ease by looking at
them when communicating. Other's didn't like it when the person speaking to
them appeared to have their attention elsewhere, even if they knew they were
talking with a blind man. He always did it out of habit now, and
unfortunately Hawkeye had noticed and was questioning him.
Other's -- Others
Daredevil tensed up at the suggestion and what followed. He went no further
than feeling Hawkeye's heart rate leap slightly at the conversation and the
archer's voice became slightly raspy. The blind youth recognized this first
couple of signs and tuned out the rest. He wished he had paid less attention
to Hawkeye. Now the obviously gay archer misinterpreted Daredevil's interest
as being sexual instead of professional. Oh, on the surface that was what
Hawkeye contended, but Daredevil could feel the archer's body betraying him
by becoming aroused and knew better.
Wrong on two counts, or just the one?
It was best to end it quickly before Hawkeye got any ideas. "Sorry, I have
some serious planning to do before we run into our playmates again."
quickly before -- quickly, before
Hawkeye darted out from under the grasping shoulder. Thor was getting a
little too friendly again. It was the sort of reaction she would have
preferred from Daredevil or that hunky Captain, but instead, thanks to her
choice of camouflage, she was once again fending off the advances of a
woman. "Sure, we can. But let's not get too close. I like to use... ah, lots
of wide hand motions when describing things and wouldn't want to smack you."
Sure, we -- Sure we (I think)
Still, maybe he would find some hot water and 'accidentally' spill it on
Hawkeye, just in case. It never paid to take chances.
Heh...
She wondered if she was doing the right thing. Being a super hero had
suddenly become more difficult than she had originally thought. Upon
arriving at the scene, she and Giant Man had discovered the villains had
already departed. At first she was depressed, but then she overheard the
heroes discuss tracking the villains down. The excitement of fighting for
justice filled her once again, and she vowed to go along to help. But Giant
Man had been knocked senseless by his gas and kept calling Kasumi by her
proper name rather than 'Wasp.' There was no way she was sharing her real
identity with a group of strangers. Also having an incoherent partner was no
way to approach the group and offer to join. Likewise, she was uncertain
they would accept her and Giant Man. They had no reputation, like most of
those assembled, and perhaps they would be cynical about her size, thinking
her a liability in a fight.
I thought it was 'superhero'?
Course set, Wasp knocked out the still-incoherent Giant Man a light zap,
then carried him into the landing gear. Perhaps flying inside the passenger
area of the quinjet would have been safer, but she didn't want to chance
getting caught and thrown off the vehicle, ending her adventure before it
had begun.
Giant Man a light zap -- Giant man with a light zap (missing word?)
Now they were comfortably ensconced in the landing gear. She could hear the
wind howling outside, but still felt safe with all of the armor between her
and the skies above. The pitch blackness was a problem, but one she could
easily live with. She kept a close hand on her partner as she let the slow
hum of the vehicle lull her into a relaxed state, eventually falling asleep
shortly after the quinjet took off despite her excitement at what was to
come.
If she could easily live with the pitch blackness, why is it a problem?
"No, I'm a Musk. It says so right on my passport." Mint pulled it out and
showed him.
Bah. REAL villains don't have passports.
Before he could reply, Swordsman discovered a sharp metal object pointed
under his chin. There was just enough pressure to push the skin inward
without actually breaking it.
Keeping the sai pressed against his jaw, Elektra hissed, "As amusing as it
would be to watch you punch a hole in the side of this plane and the three
of you get sucked out at four thousand feet, I, unfortunately, would end up
being ejected as well. Since I have no intention of dying today, I suggest
you put that sword back where you found it, or they are going to have to
reupholster the seats since I doubt they'll be able to wash out that many
bloodstains."
I thought sai had rounded ends that weren't sharpened. I only really
remember one being used by Otaru in SMJ, though, and his was probably
'special', so....
"You can call me insane if you think for one moment I'd date with you."
Mint said, "Insane's a pretty unusual name too. Is it because you're
psychotic or something?"
For some reason, this delivery feels weak. My suggestion would be to
have Mint pause to look at her, or add something to break the flow of
dialogue for a line or so. I don't know why, and I'm probably wrong, though.
"Did she say something about spot hooking a chest?" Power Man asked Mint,
the ringing in his ears still made it impossible to hear anything outside of
a bell clearly.
Mint, the ringing -- Mint. The ringing (?)
"No. She said she wants us to stop looking at her chest."
"Hop skipping a mess?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I said." Elektra nodded her head to make sure the
big man wouldn't misunderstand her agreement as something else and continue
making inane misinterpretations.
Eh? This one goes right over my head.
"After a year of this, there was a surprise. I was informed I had advanced
far enough that I only needed to pass one last test to graduate to the rank
of Assassin Prime. It was a surprise since no one as young as myself had
Repetition, surprise.
"Oh," was all Swordsman could manage to say. Even Power Man and Mint were
struck silent. All three went to looking pointedly out the windows of the
plane, silence reigning.
Shampoo: Better not let them know I made that up to get them to stop
looking at my chest.
look disappeared as quickly at it came, but it was too late. She had
witnessed to the brief loss of control.
witnessed to -- witnessed
"Of course, Captain-sama," Iron Rose cooed.
"Thanks for sticking up for me," Hawkeye added with a broad smile, and
placed her hand on the Captain's arm as a show of appreciation.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
All sorts of warning senses went off in Captain Japan's head. The sort of
attention the Iron Rose had been throwing his way was bad enough, but now
Hawkeye was acting in far too friendly for his comfort. He darted away from
acting in far too -- acting far too -- acting in far too friendle a
manner (?)
Thor scowled, placing her arms under her ample bust. "See here. If thou
wishes to fondle the Goddess of Thunder, it would be in thine best interest
to do so under more private circumstances."
....
I can't help but think that Thor and the Swordsman were made for
eachother.
Captain Japan hastily apologized and claimed it was all an accident and he
had absolutely no intention of fondling her, while both the Iron Rose and
Hawkeye muttered expletives about gaijin of loose morals. Only Daredevil
remained silent, the only show of his disapproval the sad shaking of his
head.
Repetition of 'only' in that last sentence.
"Sure you're not," Hawkeye said coolly. She was about to make another acidic
comment when something outside the front of the cockpit window caught her
attention. She turned just in time to see a flash of crimson light emit from
an ancient stone fortress nestled on the top of a mountain they were
approaching. The beam disappeared under the body of the quinjet, only to
reappear a moment later by lancing through the middle of the floor of the
passenger area and continue on its way through the ceiling and into the sky
beyond, destroying everything in-between.
emit -- emitted (?)
Seeing such heartfelt thanks, Yun-Lo felt as though he had been kicked in
the gut. Not that that it would make him warn the boy about his impending
death. Being kicked in the gut hurt far less than being reduced to a pile of
ashes.
I imagine ash doesn't feel much pain.
"It is! I mean it was!" she shouted back.
mean it -- mean, it
"Maybe the tracking system isn't from Earth. Maybe it's from outer space."
Captain Japan offered as Thor landed with both him and Daredevil clinging to
her. He made absolutely certain his hands were nowhere near her breasts.
space." Captain -- space," Captain
"Bah!" the Goddess of Thunder snorted. "The next thing thou wilt claim is
that there really are Stone Men from Saturn. All know there are not such
things as beings from outer space."
Is this another reference?
"No, there was too much kinetic energy for that to be a simple laser
weapon," Iron Rose informed the others. "I'm uncertain what kind of device
it was, but its sophistication is far beyond that of all but the most
technologically advanced of societies or industries."
A blast of ki?
In response, Iron Rose moved forward to stand next to Thor. She twisted the
left upper arm of her armor. In response, several pieces of metal unfolded
Repetition, response.
>from their previously concealed housing on the arm. Each piece was long and
fairly thin. All of them became progressively more narrow until they tapered
more narrow -- narrower
In a soft, almost reverent voice, Daredevil said, "Legends say that dragons
once inhabited this part of the Bayan Han, and that they would move through
the earth at will. Whenever anyone found tunnels such as these, they called
them 'Dragon Lines' and would seal them up, lest the dragons came out and
devoured them and all they cherished. The greatest and most powerful dragon
of all was Fin Fang Foom, and only death awaited those that would dare
disturb him in his lair."
Fin Fang Foom. Is this you, or from a comic book?
"I can personally assure thee dragons are real. Many are the number I slew
in mine time." Thor began reminiscing. "I do remember upon one occasion I
did have to rescue fair Idunn from a rather pernicious dragon. One of
Fafnir's brood, as I recall. He was a particularly vexing beast. It took me
four blows to dispatch him, and he did strike me with his tail once. Though
with the affections Idun showered upon me afterwards, it made the fight doth
truly worthwhile."
Thor began reminiscing. -- that line can lead into the next bit of
dialogue, or out of the last, I believe. Then again, it doesn't _have_
to, so....
recalled. And there was something about how it was served. Oh yes, it was
served upon a most unusual, but very delicious platter, specifically Idun's
nude-"
Extra quotation.
"I seem to have forgotten what it was," Thor said quickly, relieved that
whatever it was she had almost remembered had escaped her, even if there was
now a swelling upon the top of her head.
A swelling what?
"I think we're still heading up." Hawkeye said, changing the subject largely
because she did not want to know what that was all about.
up." Hawkeye -- up," Hawkeye
In answer, the first words of "Yappa pan, yappa pan, ish a ten," began
blaring out over her speakers.
Heh! But I thought the name of that song was 'Ja Ja Uma ni
Sasenaide'. Anyway, should the comma be within the quotation when
there's no comma prefacing it?
"Oh. Maybe we'd better be more on guard," Captain Japan shifted his shield
>from its carrying position to one where he could bring it up to deflect an
attack in an instant.
guard," Captain -- guard." Captain
Mint said, "I found those intruders, all right. They managed to survive the
crash and ended up in that old complex of caverns we found in the mountain.
There's the two guys whose butts we kicked and three others that operate out
of Japan. I think one's a bodyguard for Kunou Industries. She's called the
Iron Rose. I saw her on some press conference on the way over there. I don't
know the other two, although the blond girl with the hammer as nice looking
breasts."
as -- has
"Five then. It appears we'll require the full attention of my forces." He
turned to Elektra and the Swordsman. "This sort of thing is exactly why I
hired you. Show me your worth. Bring me these meddlers."
Five then -- Five, then
"Then go, my Lethal Legion. Bring me these meddlers, or bring me their
heads. Either way, see to it they are brought to me."
Is it Herb, or another character?
Sticking his head in the hole, Ryouga called out, "Hello, is there anybody
in there?"
Only his voice echoed back.
Mousse probably would still hear it....
"I'll just go in for a quick peak and come right back out," Ryouga said to
himself as entered the tunnel to try his hand at spelunking.
Heh!
"It was not mine gas." Daredevil retorted. "Mine gas smells very different
>from processed anchovies and beans." It was times like these that the blind
adventurer wished he didn't have enhanced senses.
gas." Daredevil -- gas," Daredevil
Captain Japan turned around, his stance one of tensed up aggression. "Look,
Smell Man, you've been riding me ever since we first met. I'm tired of it.
If you want to have it out now, we can Hey!" Captain Japan spun around and
held his bottom. He pointed an accusatory finger at Thor, who stood directly
behind him. "Why did you grab my butt?"
can Hey --> can-- Hey! (suggested)
In completely innocent tones, she said. "Thou didst have a wedgie. Twas most
unseemly."
said. "Thou -- said," Thou
"There you have it." Hawkeye stated satisfactorily, surprised the whole
thing wasn't as unpleasant as she thought it would be. Of course, right
it." Hawkeye -- it," Hawkeye
"Ahem," Iron Rose said, catching everyone's attention. "As much as the show
of one-upsmanship is terribly important, need I remind you all that we are
here to bring that host of super-villains to justice. As powerful as I know
justice. -- justice?
I am, even I am reluctant to take on all four of them on my own. So I
believe it would be in our best interest to settle our differences another
time. Besides, I do believe I see a light coming from the tunnel in front of
us."
Four? What's to say there aren't reinforcements?
Looking forward to more of this, and it looks like I've got some C&C
to reply to, also....