As always, comments are my opinion.  Use them or ignore them at your whim.



<Snipping straight to the action>

   Queen Serenity was a very pretty woman. She had pretty blue eyes and
pretty platinum hair that turned a pretty shade of grey when it got wet.
She wore a pretty white dress with pretty gold trim, made even more
pretty by the spreading blotch of brilliant crimson erupting from her
pretty, perfect chest.

KP:  The openening paragraph feels, stilted.  Maybe just the sentence
structure is too repetetive with all the 'pretty's'.

   The Senshi were murdered, her own daughter crucified and borne as the
Half-Breed's standard. The corpses of the Zodiac were still warm as the
serpent warriors set upon them in a carnivorous frenzy. Her armies were
laid to waste, as the traitorous Generals led the writhing death to her
Palace. All that was left of the great Lunar Empire was herself and
Velious, Captain of the Guard, Guardian Aires. Velious tried to console
her. It is not easy to console someone with the stump of a freshly
severed hand.

KP:  The last sentence seems off, not sure why.

   With a great CRACK the doors finally swung open, shilouetting the
twisted form of that half-serpent hellspawn, Queen Beryl. Blinding light
poured from the open door, shrouding Beryl's features and casting a
long, black shadow over the entire throne room. In strode the dark
Queen, like a dagger into the very heart of the Silver Milennium.

   She had won.

KP:  I like this.

   She stood. Thick black blood, blood that was not her own, ran down
her arm like a mighty stream. Beryl laid dead before her, nearly
decapitated, face frozen in a grim mask of hate. Serenity picked up the
corpse, spat upon it, and walked out of the throne room.

KP:  I find myself cheering!

   The palace grounds were ruined. The ornate marble and pearl towers
crumbled. The plazas were shattered. Rifts cracked the surface if
Serenity's beloved Moon. Not uttering a word, she strode to the nearest
of there rifts and dropped the corpse in. Though Serenity's time
remaining on this mortal coil could be measured in minutes, she dared
not look away or even move until she saw the bloodied form pass beyond
her sight into the yawning abyss.

KP:   the surface if Serenity's -->  surface _of_ Serenity's
KP:  of there rifts -->  of these rifts

   But her oxygen-deprived fingers slipped their hold.

   And the Crystal shattered.

KP:  Very nice.  Wonderful opening.

   Those that did watch the struggle, watched in rapt attention. They
made no sound, and the only motion that could be witnessed was that of
the thin stream of cigarette smoke coming from the gloved hand of one
Jean-Paul Delacroix. Their eyes were fixated on the spectacle.

KP:  The last sentence feels out of place. Not sure why.

   "Well, there you have it. Not much to look at, but you know what they
say--"

   "--Never take anyone seriously who buys their combat fatigues from
gay-pride festivals?"

KP:  Heh

   Sailor Venus, caught completely off-guard, was sent careening into a
wall laden with pachinko machines, resulting in a spray of ball bearings
and a shower of dull orange sparks. Undaunted, the Senshi of Love had
vaulted back to her feet before the steel spheres could hit the ground,
diving over an overturned Street Fighter 2 machine, executing a
somersault, and leaping at the creature which had no more than two
seconds ago tossed her aside like a rag doll.

KP:  Senshi of Love had vaulted -->  Senshi of Love vaulted (tense)

   But the Sailor Senshi had not defended the city of Tokyo for four
years by being easily disracted. Heedless to the plight of her
companion, Sailor Jupiter prepared to hurl a sphere of pure electricity
at the rampaging titan, who had by now turned his attention to the
struggling Sailor Jupiter. "Supreme Thunder Dragon!" she invoked, and
prepared to--

KP:  Why was Sailor Jupiter struggling?

   It meant that someone was either stupid or suicidal. Perhaps both.

   She chanced a quick glance at the doorway, and could not honestly say
she was surprised. A tall man, with short white hair, wearing a light
winter coat, and extendig from his right hand a silver revolver. Just
another normal man who thought the fact he could tote and aim two pounds
of steel somehow placed him equal to-- or above-- the sworn defenders of
all that was right.

   Just another man she'd have to rescue.

   Pathetic.

KP:  I especially like this part as well.

   In a flash, the one who called himself Delacroix made a quarter-turn
on one heel, snapped the pistol from its holser, and unloaded the
remaing five slugs directly into the monster's face. To make sure, the
green-tressed woman took a gun from her jacket-- were they all armed?
How stupid could they be? Were they even aware of the laws here?-- and
squeezed what must have been at least 20 rounds into the youma's head
and chest area.

KP:  The middle sections of questions needs to be identified as Jupiter's.
I'm assuming they're Jupiter's.

   "Ooh, business," said the green-haired one, moving her hands
mockingly.

KP:  heh

   The quality of sound was awful, but she could still make out the
lyrics of the song being played. It sounded like the singer was far away
and deep, deep under water, but she could still understand,

KP:  Not a punctuation expert, but shouldn't that be a period or a colon
after 'understand'?

   Michiru almost scoffed at such half-hearted platitudes, but decided
against it. If August and Ami had to find out the hard way that their
love was nothing, so be it. Michiru would not interfere. The other
children, however...

KP:  Would Michiru really scoff at this?  I think most parents would find it
cute.

   "Oh, I know lotsa stuff. But it all means the same thing. Like how
emotions are nothing but chemical stimulation, so that drugs can change
our souls. I know that the gods we worship care nothing for us, and that
our perception of the gods was made because we are too weak to see the
world on our own terms. I know that the universe is so fundamentally
lawless that any rule of physics could be repealed at any moment. But it
all means the same thing."

   She said it with no bitterness or sorrow, in fact she said it as if
she was relating the baseball scores. This, as much as the content of
what she said, chilled Michiru. She quickly turned to Makoto, to see
what she had written.

KP:  It chills me also.

   I LIKE MY OLD SEMPAI.

KP:  nice

   Michiru was taken aback. He child still had not looked at her, was
still playing with her origami. "Is there something I did wrong?"

KP:  He child -->  Her Child...

***

Additonal Notes: All comments and criticism are greatly appreciated. The
new characters, while appearing to be the centerpiece of the fic, are
not so and are in no way Mary Sues. I also find it a sad state of
affairs that, when prompted with new characters, the reader's first
reaction is "Pfft, another self-insertion" rather than "Boy, I wonder
what the author has planned for these clownboats."

KP:  I... I loved it.   I hope you do continue to write more.











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