Mark Gunther wrote:
Title: Alive
Author: S. Mark Gunther
Part: 1/?
Warnings: Angst, Drinking, Little happiness.
Shampoo falls into the Spring of Drowned Two-inch-high Woman -- but she
likes it! :)
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is not mine. The characters are not mine. Only my
opinions about them and the series, and the plot line therin is mine. Hence
why I'm still poor.
How about specifically crediting Rumiko Takahashi for the characters?
Mousse looked up at the ceiling and sighed. Another day, another 24
Suggest: another twenty-four
(words scan better than numerals, unless they're very long ones)
hours of chasing Shampoo. Nothing changed, especially considering the
iceberg of a man that was Ranma Saotome never seemed to take anything
seriously.
The "iceberg" metaphor doesn't really fit with Mousse's characterization
of Ranma in this sentence. Icebergs generally take things VERY
seriously. :) Suggest either changing the metaphor, or using a
description that would apply to an iceberg.
All throughout the night he had dreamt that Shampoo was on the other
side of a chasm and the chasm seemed to be wider then he could jump. Time
and time again he would jump towards her and miss. And every time he missed
and fell down into the valley, he'd climb back up and try it again. On and
Nice way of showing Mousse's feelings on Shampoo.
Slipping into a pair of work pants and a short shirt, he left his room
and walked through the upstairs hallway, listening out for the normal sounds
of the morning's work that he always heard. But oddly, there was nothing but
the birds outside the windows singing and the gentle bowing and creaking of
the house at rest. His feet carried him down the stairs and he saw the
eastern sun shining through the windows. A shadow cast itself across the
face of the wall clock and he had to squint to see it's time. 8:30.
its time.
("it's" is only used for "it is" or "it was". You may also want to write
out "eight-thirty.")
'It's 8.30 and there is no one up and doing things here in the
restaurant? Strange...' Mousse thought as he crossed over to the door and
looked out of the drawn window shade. No one seemed to be standing outside
the Nekohanten waiting to be served so Mousse opened the door and looked to
see what was going on. As he opened the door, he could see a piece of paper
attached to the door itself. He read it slowly, his foggy brain still not
comprehending everything that was going on. ''Temporarily Closed'? What is
If you're using single quotes for thoughts, then use double quotes for
quotes inside them:
'"Temporarily Closed?" What is
No one answered him as he turned the knob on Cologne's room.
Surprisingly it opened and showed Mousse an empty room. Save the dresser,
bed and table that were already there everything was gone from the room.
Suggest you reword to eliminate the double repetition of "room."
Nothing was left. He hurried out of Cologne room and went next door to
shampoo's room. Again, nothing there and no one there to yell at him. He
Shampoo's
(caps)
'What is going on?' he wondered as he looked around the quiet
restaurant. As he scanned the room, his eyes caught sight of a manila
envelope on the counter next to the cash register. He walked to it and
picked it up, his hands involuntarily beginning to shake a little. He looked
inside the envelope and saw many official looking pieces of paper, and a
handwritten sheet of paper on the top. He took out the hand written sheet
handwritten (both times)
If you are reading this letter, you have no doubt realized that Shampoo
and I are gone. I...I have been defeated in this game of wills and my great
great granddaughter has been shamed long enough by Ranma Saotome and his
family. Shampoo's skills have eroded to the point that even if she were to
marry Ranma, she would have never become the warrior I need her to be. In
short, I have given up for the sake of the tribe. My influence is weakening
in the tribe and I need her to carry on our line of influence.
Suggest rewording to eliminate the repetition of "influence."
Using the help of Nabiki Tendo, we have found a loophole in the Amazon
laws and have proceeded to annul the marriage to Ranma Saotome. Shampoo and
I are going to the village to finalize the proceedings and re-install my
great granddaughter into the Amazon tribe as a single woman. What does this
mean to you, Mousse?
For starters, it means you are no longer a part of the Amazon tribes.
Under my power as an elder of the Amazon tribes I am hereby banishing you
tribe
(presumably, they only have one)
from the tribe forever. Your sister, Eyeshadow will become the family
sister, Eyeshadow, will
Suggest removing "from the tribe" (it's already clear what he's being
banished from)
You might want to Pinyinize the name -- Ai Shedou, or something like
that. Most fanfic readers have seen so many toiletries names for Amazons
that they tend not to amuse to the degree that they once did. If you
make the reader work a bit to parse the name you might have a better
chance of getting a chuckle out of it.
redeemer and your mother will become her assignor to the council. I have
left the papers to the Nekohanten and the money and equipment to you. You
may do what you wish with the restaurant but I suggest you keep it and work
there to make your own way in the world. Nabiki Tendo will handle all the
business affairs for you if you chose to do so...for a fee.
Why have I done this, you may ask?
I have done this because you, Mousse, are not worthy to be a part of
the Amazon tribes. You have brought dishonor on your family line time and
time again by your schemes and for breaking your pact with your teacher,
Lotion. You have pursued my great-granddaughter to the ends of the earth and
the Earth
(the name of a specific planet, so capitalize)
assisting in making it impossible for her to fulfill her duties as an
Amazon. At one time, you showed promise to eventually defeat my Shampoo and
become her husband but you let your desires cloud your vision. You are no
IIRC, marriage by combat only applies to males outside the tribe.
(Which, come to think of it, could be Cologne's real reason for
banishing Mousse.)
longer a defender of the tribe. You are not a man.
It is with my hope that this will force you to deal with your
obsessions and regain the small part of you I respected. You were once far
better then you are now, Mousse. One can only hope that this will force you
to straighten up and fly right.
A lot of the above raises some serious belivability questions in my
mind.
Shampoo's skills eroding in Japan? Um... maybe. But Nerima is not
exactly lacking in opportunities for martial arts practice. Just ask
Ranma. True, he, rather than Shamps, seems to handle the vast majority
of combats -- but whose fault is that? If Cologne is worried about
Shamps' lack of skills, and presumably had been thinking about this
before now, then why didn't she encourage Shamps to get more involved in
some of the local fights?
Why would they need Nabiki to find legal loopholes for them? Cologne is
no doubt an expert in Amazon law; Nabzy is no doubt not one.
Most difficult to swallow, why all this hostility toward Mousse on
Cologne's part? If Shampoo did fail, then Mousse is hardly responsible
for that failure. Having her heap shame and disgrace on him seems like a
rather contrived way of trying to make us sympathetic towards him. You
don't need to do this. Mousse can be sympathetic even if people aren't
intentionally being mean to him.
I do understand the need in general to take liberties with the canon for
the sake of the story, but it seems that this would work just as well if
you got it right. Realizing that Ranma will never marry Shampoo might
well be enough reason for her and Cologne to return to China. If you
need a reason why Mousse doesn't follow them, there are plenty of
possibilities. Maybe he's afraid (whether rightly or wrongly) that
everyone will laugh at him for coming back without Shamps' hand in
marriage. Or maybe you can establish that he had some sort of role in
helping Ranma and Akane get married, which *would* be reasonable
provocation for Cologne to give him the boot. And if Nabiki needs to
have had a role in this then I'm sure you can come up with a more
believable one as well.
Cologne"
You don't need a quote here, since you didn't open with a quote. If you
do want to quote this letter (which you probably shouldn't, since it's
not spoken speech), then every paragraph should begin with a quote mark
(but only the last one should end with one).
As he finished reading the letter, his eyes began to fill with tears
and unspoken emotions. He calmly put the letter back into the envelope and
shook back as many tears from his eyes as possible. Stumbling, he rose and
went to the panty.
^^^^^
That's an interesting typo. ^_^;;;
HAPPOSAI: That's the spirit, lad! When you're feeling down, go straight
for the underwear drawer!
There, in a deep shelf, he found the one thing that could
satisfy him in this time of extreme pain.
MOUSSE: Oh, Mister Ducky Training Potty, you're the only one who's ever
understood!
His heart shattered into a
thousand pieces as he grabbed the bottle of Sake from the cabinet and a
sake
(the name of a specific brand would be capitalized, but not a general
product)
glass. Slowly the boy proceeded back to the counter and sat back down. The
tears flowed fast from his eyes now as he uncapped the bottle and poured a
large amount of the potent liquid into it. As he took his first sip, his
tears came down in full force as an emotional dam broke in his heart.
A bit over the top with the pathos, I think, but Mousse *is* a pretty
melodramatic guy, so I guess it's appropriate.
Nabiki Tendo walked up the street towards the Nekohanten. Her hands
idly held a small notebook and purse as she walked. She reached the door and
knocked on it, her feet tired from the day of collecting money and managing
her business.
She has a business?
"But I have things to say to you. Like why I helped Shampoo to leave.
And why I'm now going to be helping you. I don't think you have a reason to
stop me from coming in," Nabiki replied firmly. "Please Mousse."
MOUSSE: Please myself? Well, it would please me to throw you out, so....
(When identifying who is being spoken to, ALWAYS set the identification
off with a comma: "Please, Mousse." If you don't, your sentence will
invariably mean something different from what you think it means.)
"...Alright. Please come in." Mousse stepped back and walked to the
countertop where he had been sitting for the last 8 hours. Nabiki followed
and noticed that the entire restaurant seemed in order, save the bottle on
the countertop and the glass that Mousse gripped in his hand. She sat beside
him and looked at the orderly pile in front of him.
MOUSSE: These guys push beds around and such at the hospital. They came
over to drink with me, but I think they've had a few too many.
"Yes. Since this morning when I read the letter from Shampoo." Mousse
Shampoo," Mousse
(When using "said" or equivalent verb, the identifier is the same
sentence as the dialog.)
said softly as he put his glass back down and sighed softly. "Why did you do
Suggest eliminating the repetition of "softly."
"Because I wanted to solve some problems for my sister. Contrary to
popular belief, I actually want Ranma and Akane to get married. And this was
a way for me to give them a fighting chance at that," Nabiki replied calmly
as she took the glass out of Mousse's reach and twirled it softly on the
Formica. "And to be honest, I was tired of Shampoo destroying our house. She
formica.
(no caps)
smashed through it too many times to mention when she just couldn't
understand that Ranma was never going to love her."
SHAMPOO: That not true at all.
NABIKI: Really?
SHAMPOO: Yes. I smash through wall all time, whether Ranma going to love
me or not.
"I don't know who I am and I don't know who you are, Mousse. That is
part of the reason why I did this." Nabiki turned and looked at the boy for
a moment before continuing. "Mousse, Shampoo doesn't love you. She never did
and she never will. She told me this when we were looking for a way for her
to annul her engagement to Ranma. She doesn't even like you like a friend
anymore. So I decided to help her and you out."
"I didn't ask you to do that." Mousse reached for the bottle and took a
drink from it, his face grimacing slightly as the liquid went down his
throat. "I didn't ask you to ruin my life, and I don't feel like I should be
nice to you considering you've taken my life in your hands." His gaze turned
upon Nabiki's and was shocked to see concern on her face. 'Why does she look
like that?' he thought.
"And you weren't ruining your own life by fawning over Shampoo,
Mousse?" Nabiki asked, her voice surprisingly flat."Seems to me that you're
just mad because your obsessions are gone."
I could believe Nabiki possibly having these motivations, but what's
hard to swallow is that she'd explain them to Mousse. When someone's in
denial, telling them so is only likely to produce more denial. Nabiki
would surely know this, and either not bother with it, or approach the
topic more obliquely. Asking Mousse open-ended questions, for example,
to gently prod him towards figuring out the truth for himself, would
stand a much better chance of being effective. If your story does need
someone to be this blunt and straightforward, then you might want to use
Ranma in this scene, or maybe Akane, instead of Nabz.
Nabiki began to say something but then stopped, her lips pursing into a
tight seam. She rose out of her seat and walked to the door. As she reached
the door, she stopped and turned. Her eyes caught a sight of the defeated
Chinese boy, still slumped over the bottle he had been drinking from. "You
know Mousse, I almost assumed you were stronger then this. But you're
know, Mousse, I
(Otherwise the answer is "Of course I know Mousse! I *am* Mousse!")
"UN-CUTE TOMBOY!!!!!!!!!"
Suggest you lose the all-caps and all but one of the exclamation marks.
If his shout is loud, *describe* how loud it is.
"...Wouldn't. Even. Taste. It." was all Akane could mutter as she
stormed back into the house. Nabiki sighed and dropped the surprisingly
heavy hammer to the ground as she walked into the house. As she came in, she
could see the house was in shambles. Splatters of organic looking material,
food, dishes and other assorted culinary items were strewn around the walls
of the room. A shocked and ashen Soun Tendo sat with Genma Saotome, their
shogi board covered in miso soup and an unidentified organism that looked
almost human. Kasumi stood in the doorway to the kitchen, her head shaking
slightly.
Sorry, but this bit is one of the most horribly overused cliches in
fanfiction.
Contrary to popular myth, (1) Ranma and Akane are NOT constantly
fighting over cooking; her cooking is an issue rather infrequently in
the manga, and almost always arises in connection with the plot of the
story; (2) Akane's cooking causes an intense but only momentary
discomfort, not any lasting incapacitation (the sole exception was on an
occasion when Ranma had consumed several stacks of photographs
beforehand), and has never mutated into a life form; (3) Ranma and Akane
are NOT constantly fighting, period; most of the conflicts between them
arise in connection with the storyline, and except in the very early
volumes, during "typical day" scenes they are shown as getting along
with each other well or at most engaging in low-level ribbing.
Again, it seems to be that it would serve your story just as well to get
it right. This hyper-cliched stock footage adds nothing other than
giving Mousse a chance to give something back to the Tendos in the form
of cooking lessons for Akane. There are more creative and believable
ways you could do this.
"Let me guess. Akane tried to cook again." Nabiki said tiredly, her
again," Nabiki
"Not cook. Create new life from beef stew." Kasumi said with a smile,
stew," Kasumi
Doesn't seem like something Kasumi would say. She tends to look
positively on just about everything.
"Well, it looks like she succeeded in creating something. And in
scaring Ranma off." Nabiki said lightly, primly folding her hands into her
off," Nabiki
"You will assist me in becoming a partner with Ukyou in her restaurant
and we will build both restaurants up into one unified project. The earning
split will 85 percent to Ukyou and I with she and I splitting the money
split will be eighty-five percent to Ukyo and me
(missing a connecting word; write out numbers; and "Ukyo and me" is the
object of the preposition "to" so you don't use "I." There's a simple
test for this: look at it without the "Ukyo and". "eighty-five percent
to I" is obviously wrong, and "eighty-five percent to me" correct, so do
it the same way when you do have the "Ukyo and".)
Two comments on the scene here: First, Mousse's new determination comes
completely out of nowhere. Suggest you add a scene (or perhaps even more
than one) before this, showing some soul-searching and development on
Mousse's part. Not only would this make the result easier to take, but
letting Mousse's internal conflicts play out could give you some very
good drama as well.
Secondly, did Ukyo agree to all of this, and if so, why? What is she
getting out of it? She's got Konatsu working for her, remember, so she's
unlikely to need Mousse just as an employee. Perhaps she's having
trouble meeting her expenses right now, and needs the cash Mousse's deal
would supply to pay off the mortgage on her restaurant. If something
like this is the case, you might want to mention it earlier on.
equally and 15 percent to you. You will also receive a residual payment upon
the sale of the Nekohanten, which you will assist in. You will help me
Are they selling it? I thought they were unifying it with Ukyo's place.
"And finally, you will allow me to take Akane under my wing for one
week of intense cooking training at the new restaurant while she is on
break. I am sick and tired of Ranma and Akane's fights over food and I feel
that if they are destined to marry, she should be able to cook. I will teach
her the way I was taught. Roughly."
That's how the principal tried to teach her to swim. Didn't work all
that well. ^_^;;
"You have 60 seconds to decide. Otherwise, I start breaking windows and
glasses here. And anyone who gets in my way will be hurt." Mousse said
hurt," Mousse
calmly, his anger beginning to crystallize into something more then rage.
more than rage.
>From what we've seen of Nabiki, she very much dislikes people who try to
push her around. See the "Nabiki's Revenge" story in vol. 35. Even if
the deal *is* in her favor, if Mousse took this kind of approach with
her, I can't see her taking it sitting down. Most likely she'd turn
around and manipulate things to screw him over, just to show him who's
boss. After all, if she did help Shampoo get away from him, then she's
known all along that he was likely to come after her for it, and she'd
have a plan ready for dealing with him.
Nabiki could see the futility in trying to resist and she nodded her
head slowly. "Yes. I accept your terms Mousse. Please excuse me while I get
terms, Mousse.
"You don't have to help us clean Mousse. I'll fix you a place in the
clean, Mousse.
"Thank you." As Nabiki left, Mousse could feel Kasumi's eyes on his
body and he turned to her with a smile. "Is there anything you'd like to ask
me Nabiki?"
me, Nabiki?"
(Shouldn't that be Kasumi rather than Nabiki?)
"Because she saved me. As much as I hate to admit it, she's right.
Shampoo never loved me, nor would she. I was obsessing myself with someone
who for all intensive purposes could only be my friend. Something had to
The expression is "for all intents and purposes," though this may be
Mousse's error.
give." Mousse paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "It's like
seeing you're past life in a grave as you're walking into another world. I
your
("you're" is only used for "you are")
"So for...your...family's honor...you destroyed me??" he sobbed lowly,
KASUMI: Oh, no! Of course not. Mousse, you haven't lost anything!
MOUSSE: *sniff* All right, then.
KASUMI: Even if we *hadn't* gotten those two married off, you'd have
stood no chance with Shampoo.
MOUSSE: Gee...*sniffle*...thanks.
his head burying itself deeper into her tummy. She quickly wrapped her arms
around the boy and began to hold him close. Moments passed and the two sat
there, Kasumi holding the boy like a mother and Mousse weeping out his final
bit of anger. "I tried...so hard...so fucking hard...why couldn't she love
me? Why?" His voice, ragged and torn with the tears, barreled out his mouth
and he clung tight to Kasumi involuntarily.
KASUMI: Well, for one thing, because--
MOUSSE: It was a rhetorical question, Kasumi.
KASUMI: Oh.
Mousse awoke with a start, and then a groan as the pain of a massive
hangover began to sweep over him. It was dark. The bed he laid on was soft,
bed he lay on was
(or)
bed on which he lay was
(Lie/lay is a tricky one to get right. In present tense, lie is what you
do yourself ("Go lie on the bed!") and lay is what you do to something
else ("Go lay an egg!") In past tense, which you have here, these are
lay and laid, respectively.)
softer then he expected. He looked down and saw the sheets of the bed. They
were soft, girlish looking.
girlish-looking.
(In what way? Were they pink? Did they have Sailor Moon or Hello, Kitty
pictures on them?)
'I can't believe this is happening', he thought quietly as another shot
of pain rifled through him like a freight train. A silent groan from his
lips caused a murmuring from Kasumi's lips. She clutched at his arm in her
sleep, her eyes scrunching tightly. He leaned over with a great effort and
kissed the top of her forehead. As he touched her forehead, she smiled
slightly and seemed to relax again. Mousse felt his head sink back to the
pillow. As sleep overtook him he could feel his body begin to sink back into
the warm watery feeling he had been living in. It was not altogether a bad
feeling.
Er...you may want to use a different descriptor there. A warm watery
feeling in bed is generally not looked upon as a good thing. ^_^;;;;;
MOUSSE: There's a reason why I had that training potty in my first
story, you know.
Overall, I think this has some pretty good potential. I think you need
to think through the plot a bit more to fill in some of these holes.
Also, I strongly recommend going back and reading the original series.
It's very easy to fall into the "fanfiction cliche" trap, of getting
used to the way the characters act in fanfics to the point where we
forget what's been changed and what hasn't. There's nothing wrong with
judiciously changing things to suit your story, BUT make sure you are
doing so knowingly and deliberately, and that the altered characters
really do serve your story in ways that the canon ones can't.
Your writing is pretty good, certainly a cut above average. You're
pretty good at a "heavy" emotional writing style; certainly there's lots
of times where you do want to use this, but there are other times when
being more subtle it works just as well or better. Experiment with both,
and you'll be able to choose what "weight" level works for whatever
scene you're writing.
Good luck with this, and your other fics.
Gary
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