ok, here's some C&C
like a certain noteable author has stated: this is just my
oppinion, feel free to ignore, use, or discard it.

*I'm just glad you said anything constructive. Hell the last person to *C&C 
my work just ripped it apart and said nothing worth a damn.

I have just included the relavent bits, as to save some poor ffml
members hotmail accounts ^_^;
my spellchecker is not working, so i appologize for aney spalling
arrors ^_^

*Spelling errors are my life, child. Trust me, any that got through my 
*spell checker are mine and mine alone.

     It is with my hope that this will force you to deal with

your

obsessions and regain the small part of you I respected. You

were once far

better then you are now, Mousse. One can only hope that this

will force you

to straighten up and fly right.

Cologne"

You know, i like it when cologne is portrayed as being more
grandmotherly than trollish.
bravo!

*You know, I've always thought that Cologne is, at the base of her *stuff, a 
woman deeply comitted to her distant offspring's well being. *It's the 
actions we take that make us obsessive or dangerous or *whatever. And 
Cologne surely has done that. But at the core she still, *to me, seems like 
a guide of people.

*And yet, we still villify her....strange.....

***

     As he finished reading the letter, his eyes began to fill

with tears

and unspoken emotions. He calmly put the letter back into the

envelope and

shook back as many tears from his eyes as possible. Stumbling,

he rose and

went to the panty

um....has he turned into happosai?....SWEETO!!

*I wish. :D

. There, in a deep shelf, he found the one thing that could
satisfy him in this time of extreme pain.

...SWEETO!  sorry, just seemed appropriate...

*As it was. One would assume he has a kawaii fangirl in there, but *alas, he 
does not. :D

His heart shattered into a
thousand pieces as he grabbed the bottle of Sake from the

cabinet and a

glass. Slowly the boy proceeded back to the counter and sat

back down. The

tears flowed fast from his eyes now as he uncapped the bottle

and poured a

large amount of the potent liquid into it. As he took his first

sip, his

tears came down in full force as an emotional dam broke in his

heart.

     Mousse, for the first time in his life, was well and truly

alone.

um, what about when he was coming to nerima?

*That too. But even when he came to Nerima he had the hope that he *could 
sway Shampoo. Hope can be a freaky thing to deal with, *especially when it 
deludes the mind.

     "Yes. Since this morning when I read the letter from

Shampoo." Mousse

said softly as he put his glass back down and sighed softly.

"Why did you do

it, Nabiki? Why did you ruin any chance I may have had to win

her heart?"

Um...i thought the letter was from collogne? or is there another
letter?

*Typo. *shrugs* I'm known for those. Continuity issues and I are old 
*bedmates and yet...we just don't love one another anymore!

**runs off crying and weeping, screaming swear words in japanese*

     "Because I wanted to solve some problems for my sister.

Contrary to

popular belief, I actually want Ranma and Akane to get married.

Ok...this is much diferent than the usual interpertation.  i mean
she DID invite all those people, and was smileing as they wrecked
the wedding...

*To me, even Nabiki she could see that the wedding was a shotgun *affair. 
(Or would that be a tanto affair? Hmmmm....) Also, to me, it *would be more 
beneficial for her to keep the cash flow from Ranma, *Kuno, etc. going until 
both she and Akane are on the road to *stability. Any businesswoman (or man, 
for that matter) could see that *you don't cap the well until you get all 
the water out of it that you *can.

*But then again, it might be that Nabiki actually wants her sister *happy on 
Akane's own terms... *shrugs and grins playfully*

     "I don't know who I am and I don't know who you are,

Mousse. That is

part of the reason why I did this." Nabiki turned and looked at

the boy for

a moment before continuing. "Mousse, Shampoo doesn't love you.

She never did

and she never will. She told me this when we were looking for a

way for her

to annul her engagement to Ranma. She doesn't even like you

like a friend

anymore. So I decided to help her and you out."

Woa, shampoo went and ACTIVELLY tried to annull the marrige?
after bombing the wedding, i would say that this is fairly odd
behavior.  i would think that she would fight the verry idea
tooth and nail... collogne, i can see though.  shampoo went
waaayyy downhill when she went to nerima.

*Even Shampoo isn't blind. I like to think that a part of her, guided *by 
cologne, decided to just cut her losses and move on. The fact that *she 
can't speak well in the manga/anime doesn't convince me she's *stupid or 
even partially love drunk as everyone seems to make her out *to be.

*Or mabye she's actually planning something bigger... *winks and giggles*

     "And you weren't ruining your own life by fawning over

Shampoo,

Mousse?" Nabiki asked, her voice surprisingly flat."Seems to me

that you're

just mad because your obsessions are gone."

IMO, i would think that he would just go nuts and travel off to
catch up with shampoo and collogne...ok maybe not collogne.  i
mean he allready did track her to nerima once...

*Normally I'd agree. But I like to think that Mousse is far too much of *a 
whipped houseboy to do that. And to be frank, I didn't want to tell *a 
violent story like that. Mousse, to me, is the perfect candidate for *a 
pragmatic point of view.

     Nabiki began to say something but then stopped, her lips

pursing into a

tight seam. She rose out of her seat and walked to the door. As

she reached

the door, she stopped and turned. Her eyes caught a sight of

the defeated

Chinese boy, still slumped over the bottle he had been drinking

from. "You

know Mousse, I almost assumed you were stronger then this. But

you're

nothing but a quitter. You're worse then Ranma could ever be.

Shampoo should

be glad she doesn't have to deal with a failure like you

anymore." Her voice

cracked slightly as she finished her statement, but she held

her emotions

fast and left the Nekohanten.

Eh? i dont quite get the "worse than ranma" remark.  he's
anything but a quitter.  remember the chestnut fist training?

*This, my friend, is what we call a challenge. think about all those *issues 
of honor and face and whatnot and then think what this would do *to Mousse's 
pride. Nabiki did this as a red flag challenge to Mousse. *Like a bull. Like 
an enraged lion. You do the math.

     Nabiki Tendo approached her house and saw Ranma Saotome

fly out of the

door, his feet carrying him away from the dojo as fast as

humanly possible.

Nabiki could hear his screaming from nearly a quarter mile away

from the

house, and as she got closer and saw him running by her only

one thing could

she discern from Ranma's screaming:

     "UN-CUTE TOMBOY!!!!!!!!!"

     He roared by her, the wind flipping up her skirt and

showing off her

trim legs to the cats and dogs that lay in the street paralyzed

by Ranma's

screaming. She smoothed her skirt and approached the house,

only to see

Akane come out, her mallet in hand and her anger evident from a

mile away.

     "JERK!!!!!!" She screamed over and over, her voice causing

the

previously paralyzed dogs and cats to writhe in another

shockwave of pain.

     "What's going on?" Nabiki asked as she reached over and

took the mallet

out of Akane's hands.

Ouch, this is a bit extreme...the poor animals ^_^;

*Hardly. I happen to think the animals get some time off when Ranma *goes 
off on a training mission. :D

     "...Wouldn't. Even. Taste. It." was all Akane could mutter

as she

stormed back into the house. Nabiki sighed and dropped the

surprisingly

heavy hammer to the ground as she walked into the house. As she

came in, she

could see the house was in shambles. Splatters of organic

looking material,

food, dishes and other assorted culinary items were strewn

around the walls

of the room. A shocked and ashen Soun Tendo sat with Genma

Saotome, their

shogi board covered in miso soup and an unidentified organism

that looked

almost human. Kasumi stood in the doorway to the kitchen, her

head shaking

slightly.

For some reason, this brings to mind the image of an alien hive.
you know, aliens? the big, black, crawl-on-the-wall,
burst-out-your-chest, type alien.

*Amazing what a little creative writing can do. :D

     "Let me guess. Akane tried to cook again." Nabiki said

tiredly, her

eyes scanning for a place to sit and not stain her clothes. She

found it and

sat at the one spot at the table that wasn't covered with food.

     "Not cook. Create new life from beef stew." Kasumi said

with a smile,

her own eyes looking tired. She sat across from Nabiki, her

hands wiping up

a bit of soup with a rag before she sat. "I left for the market

and by the

time I got back, Akane had taken over the kitchen. I could do

very little as

she had the kind of eyes that told me she was determined to do

something. I

had hoped she would succeed for once."

Usually she's not demonic food bad...just bad food bad.  oh well.
this is coming from someone who's in the middle of writeing about
a necrorecipiecon (cookbook of the dead) fic... ^_^;;

*I know this. Truthfully, I wanted Kasumi's lines to kind of indicate 
*something deeper running underneath Kasumi's surface. A bit of latent 
*sarcasm/wry humor/tired annoyance, etc.

     "You will assist me in becoming a partner with Ukyou in

her restaurant

and we will build both restaurants up into one unified project.

The earning

split will 85 percent to Ukyou and I with she and I splitting

the money

equally and 15 percent to you. You will also receive a residual

payment upon

the sale of the Nekohanten, which you will assist in. You will

help me

enroll at Furnikan High school so I can obtain my high school

diploma. I

know the immigration service will eventually look at me for

deportation so

you will get them the hell off my back.

This seems a little mature for him to be doing...and he could
manage the resturaunt himself, ukyou seems to manage doing it
herself just fine. oh well.  you seem not to be discussing his
motive.

*Plot point. You'll have to wait to see that. I've got more in the oven 
*then you think, my lad. :D

     "And finally, you will allow me to take Akane under my

wing for one

week of intense cooking training at the new restaurant while

she is on

break. I am sick and tired of Ranma and Akane's fights over

food and I feel

that if they are destined to marry, she should be able to cook.

I will teach

her the way I was taught. Roughly." Mousse paused and took a

deep breath,

his voice ragged from the many hours of drinking. "As much as I

hate you

Nabiki, I'm swallowing my pride in coming to you. You've

decided to

intertwine yourself in my life. Now I'm going to make sure you

and I are

intertwined for good because if I go down in flames I'm sure as

hell going

to take you with me."

Urm...even nodoka couldnt get her to slow down and pay attention
to what she was doing.  although i can just picture the scene:

mousse: NO! you do NOT  add the rice untill AFTER the water has
started boiling! ::smacks her hands with a spoon::
akane: GRRR....
mousse: ARGH, YOU DO NOT ADD OIL TO THE WATTER TO MAKE IT BOIL
FASTER!!::smacks her hands with a spoon again::
akane: GRRRRRR...
mousse: AAHHHHH!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT MOTOR OIL FROM?!
:smacks her hands with a spoon::
akane: GRRR!! MOUSSE NO BAKA!! ::mallets him though the roof::

*You haven't had someone who, IMO, would be bitch slapped like he was *if he 
didn't learn how to cook. Remember, males are subservient in the *amazon 
culture. Would seem logical to me that Mousse could train her *better 
because he's had to learn under much more demanding teachers.

*But then again, that's my loopy thinking.

     "The sheer fact that you must be poorer then usual to do

something this

heinous to me. You ruined my life, Nabiki," Mousse replied

darkly. "I should

be destroying this house and everyone in it for your act

against me. But I'm

not because I took a long time to think after you left. I'm no

quitter and

I'm not a failure. I'm going to prove it to you and everyone

else here by

using you to get what I want." His face was pale and flushed

but he

soldiered on in his words. "You know I will do it if you

refuse. And

remember, we're talking about a very profitable deal here.

Steady,

guilt-free money for your family on the back of someone you

violated. It's

an offer I don't think you can refuse."

     "I'll have to think on it..." Nabiki started, but was cut

off as she

looked at Mousse's face. His eyes burned laser beams into hers

and she

paralyzed for a moment. His sheer anger seemed to radiate off

of him

brighter then any of Ranma's energy fields.

     "You have 60 seconds to decide. Otherwise, I start

breaking windows and

glasses here. And anyone who gets in my way will be hurt."

Mousse said

calmly, his anger beginning to crystallize into something more

then rage.

Actually, this last part seems rather in character (compared to
what he's been doing the entire story up to this point at least).
although i would think that nabiki would try to get a little
higher percentage for it... i wonder what ukyo is going to have
to say about this...

ukyo: you sold off HOW MUCH OF MY PROFITS?! MOUSSE NO BAKA
::spatula to the head::

*As I've said, there is more to this story then what it seems. Trust *me, 
Mousse is going to be far more in character later on. You're just *going to 
have to wait and see what comes up. :D

     Mousse awoke with a start, and then a groan as the pain of

a massive

hangover began to sweep over him. It was dark. The bed he laid

on was soft,

softer then he expected. He looked down and saw the sheets of

the bed. They

were soft, girlish looking. He rolled his head over and saw the

content face

of Kasumi lying next to him. Her clothing was still on, but her

breathing

was slow and sure. She seemed so peaceful. Mousse began to

blanche over with

fear.

GACK!  I thought she was going to fix him a bed in the
attic...hm...isnt that where the dread demon happosai lurks? ok,
as long as akane dosn't come in and mallet him for being a
"pervert" with her sister...

*I think akane was just too mad at Ranma to do anything but cry her ass *to 
sleep. Though, that's an interesting point to make..... *hmmms*

ok, my overall impression of this fic was that it was out of
character for quite a few of the characters...they were all
acting MUCH too mature.  except for ranma.  and akane.  soun was
waayyy out of character as was genma.  they should have been
crying (that their children were getting along so well and the
schools would be united soon) or crying (that their children
hated eachother and the schools would never be united).  other
than that...  grammer looks good (it's readable, unlike my
comments ^_^;;) punctuation dosn't have any gross glaring errors.
spelling looks ok (like i'm one to talk...) um...the story itself
is allright, aside from the ooc-ness factor.  personally, i dont
mind it, but some pureists are going to be irritated.

*The purists can kiss my ass. Period. I didn't write this to be a *purist 
piece, I wrote this as a story. I wrote this for character *development. I 
wrote this to set it off in a way I like. If purists *don't like it, what 
can I do?

*That being said, it is going to be more canon-friendly later on. As *I've 
said, this is a first chapter. What I've planned for Mousse and *Nabiki and 
the rest is so strange yet so logical, it can't be said. *But it is going to 
be more canon overall. If purists cannot take that *as it is, forget them. 
I'm not writing for purists. I'm writing for me.

later,
_tc_

-who is finally starting to c&c again.  and will hopefully keep
it up.

*Please do. I like your style and I like your comments. Normally I *don't 
laugh to C&C but yours made me crack up time and again. I'd love *to C&C 
some of your work. I suck at C&C because I'm not a nitpicker. *but I comment 
well on overall tone and whatnot.

Domo Arigato,
Mark G.

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