Quicksilver <mbsilvana@yahoo.com> wrote:

Quicksilver�s Quill Offers:
His Will

I-Y: I, Inu-Yasha, being of sound mind...

KAGOME: You want a second opinion on that?

I-Y: ...and body...

KIKYO: Can't argue with you there.

KAGOME: Er... do you know something that I don't?

KIKYO: Probably.

AN: Some blood.

"AN?" Wot's dat mean?

DRACULA: Blood? Vhere?

KAGOME: It's a fanfic about my first period.

DRAC: Ah! You call zat blood? Eet's not even enough for a snack!

KAGOME: I've no idea what you're talking about. I have Biology for first
period. We're studying platelets.

	I don�t like that dogface mutt, but even I have to

"dog-faced" would be grammatically correct here. Not sure if this is a
deliberate usage or not.

respect his fighting prowess.   He may not be up to my
level, but if he wanted to, he could seriously hurt
me.   Especially since I lost my Shikon shards to that
bastard Naraku� Not that I�d admit it to him.   The
hanyou has enough of an ego as it is.

Suggest: the half-breed has
(Especially if you're putting this on FFML rather than just the IY list,
it's likely that a lot of readers have only read the Viz releases and
won't know what a "hanyou" is.)

	When the call came, carried by his retainer, I

INU-YASHA: Give me that back! My orthodontist will be upset if I don't
keep wearing it!

originally wasn�t going to answer.   I�m the prince of
the Wolf Tribe, not a minor youkai that can be ordered

Suggest: not a minor demon who can
(see above comment on "hanyou".)

	To my surprise, he was there before I arrived.   I�d
planned on arriving early to check for traps, but he
was there already.

"he was there already" seems a bit redundant, given "he was there before
I arrived" which already pretty much said the same thing. Suggest either
rewording this to mention some new specific, or simply dropping the
first sentence.

  I saw him perched on a stump; his
golden eyes glimmered dimly in the dawn�s light.   In
the five years since we had met, I had never seen him
look so defeated- his posture was slumped, and his
fingers played with the hilt of his sword nervously.

That last bit doesn't seem to suggest defeat, but rather that he's ready
to keep fighting if he needs to.

	There was no pride in the hanyou�s voice as he
explained what had happened to me.  �Naraku sent
Kagura and Kanna after us again.   Kanna managed to
capture Sango�s soul, and we had to go after her.  
Kagura did her best to protect her older sister, but
Miroku managed to shatter Kanna�s mirror using a ward
of truth, or something like that� and when the mirror
shattered, Kanna died.�

KOGA: Oh my gods, they've killed Kanna!

NARAKU: Those bastards!

I assume that all of this is your own invented ending for the series.
Otherwise a spoiler warning at the beginning would not be inappropriate.
^_^  (My own source for translated scans dried up a while back, so I'm
not up on the latest developments in the series.)  In any case, we
probably don't need this many details if it's not being shown as a
scene. I do like the way you've concentrated less on the information
itself and more on Koga's emotional reactions to it.

	�So he actually cared for Kagura?� I asked with
surprise.   Naraku seemed to care for nothing aside

>from the Shikon no Tama, and manipulating people

against each other.   The idea that he could care for
one of his detachments, even Kagura who I saw as his
female self, was decidedly against what I knew of him.

Wasn't a major vulnerability of Naraku the fact that he *did* care about
Kikyo? Koga might not know this. of course.

	A vicious grin lit the hanyou�s face, the tips of his
fangs peeking out from his lips.   �Kikyou purified
him� and for Naraku, there could be no more unpleasant
way to go.�  His eyes shone with his joy brought about
by finally settling the score.

	I had heard to story.   Kagome had told me the story

had heard the story.
(Which story does he mean? Obviously not Naraku's death, unless he's
just playing dumb by asking about it.)

I found her wandering the forest alone, an arrow
notched on her bowstring, and her shirtsleeve stained
with the red of blood- not hers, though.  It smelled
like the hanyou�s.   �Kagome?� I called, moving
towards her out of the heavy shadows cast by the
ancient trees.

	�Hello, Kagome!� I said cheerfully, picking up her
hands in mine and giving them a light squeeze.   She
blushed slightly as I wrapped a familiar arm around
her waist.  �Looking for me?�   I knew the answer, but
a guy could dream, right?   She was too obsessed with

If she's got an arrow ready to fire, you might be glad that she *isn't*
looking for you. :)

	She started with surprise.  �How did you- oh.   You
smell his blood.   I forget about the youkai thing
sometimes,� she confessed.  �No, he�s fine- it was
hardly a scratch- and he should have healed by now� I

Suggest: a scratch, and he
(the second dash would work if the last clause resumed what you were
saying before the first dash, but that's not really the case here)

	I took the rabbit she hadn�t skinned and ripped into
it with my fingers, reveling in the warm blood the

blood that

	�He�s that old?� I asked, surprised.   He�d always
struck me as young- I was fifty, barely beginning the
long life I could expect to enjoy, but Inu Yasha was
half-human.   I�d placed his age in the late twenties,
or maybe early thirties, the equivalent of a human in
his mid-teens.   Hanyous aged in a strange fashion.  

If you're going to insist on using the Japanese here, then you probably
don't need to add the "s" in the plural.

The idea that he was older then I was abhorrent.

older than I

	�Fifty years ago, Inu Yasha first heard about the
Shikon no Tama.   It was being guarded by a village
miko, a powerful woman named Kikyou.�

Suggest: village priestess, a

	�Indeed.   Anyway, they fell in love eventually, and
Inu Yasha agreed to become human for her.  Naraku
tricked Kikyou and Inu Yasha into killing each other

Suggest: tricked them into
(already talking about Kik and IY)

	�They both look alive to me- well, Inu Yasha does at
least,� I pointed out.  I was still reeling from one
of the things Kagome had let drop, perhaps
inadvertently- Inu Yasha had once desired to become
human?  The thought was repellant.  One of the

repellent.

	She was silent for a while, and I could see that she
was weighing something important by the introspective
look on her face.  �Kikyou is me- or rather, her soul
is mine.  I�m her reincarnation,� she told me finally,
her voice so quiet that I wouldn�t have heard had I
been a mere human.

How's he know that? :)

INU-YASHA: Do you go through that once-a-month change thing, too?

	She explained it then, the entire twisted story of
Onigumi and his warped desire for the pure miko.  �Inu
Yasha has promised to get revenge for Kikyou�s death�.
And after, he�ll let her drag him into hell,� she
concluded.  After a moment�s silence she looked down
at her half-eaten dinner and then handed it to me.  
�You can have the rest of this.   I�m not hungry
anymore.�

The loss of appetite is a nice way to show their reaction to this
without spelling it out. I'd suggest spreading it out a little for
greater impact, though; perhaps three paragraphs, with the moment of
silence being in one by itself.

	Inu Yasha watched me carefully.  I was overjoyed that
Naraku finally received his just desserts, but the
news that Inu Yasha was going to let Kikyou take him
with her to hell was certainly upsetting.

This, on the other hand, is oddly vague and understated...

  Loving
someone enough to die for her was one thing, but true
love meant that you loved that person enough to live. 

...and I wouldn't guess that abstract homilies on the nature of love are
Koga's style either. :)

	He seemed uneasy, sad, upset, and resigned all at
once.   �I promised her.�  His fingers rose to tease
his snow-white hair.  �But that leaves Kagome� and I
can�t just leave her alone.�

I-Y: Now, let's see... where could I possibly find someone who likes
Kagome and is powerful enough to defend her?

KOGA: What about ME?!?

I-Y: You can find your *own* defender. I've got enough problems looking
for one for Kagome.

KOGA: You idiot. I meant that *I* could do it!

I-Y: Thanks for the offer, but it's my responsibility. *I'll* find
someone for her.

	�She can�t get home anymore.   Kikyou used the power
of the Shikon to get purify Naraku, and its gone now. 

it's
("its gone" = "the gone belonging to it")

So Kagome�s stuck here.�

So the well doesn't work without the Jewel?

	A feeling of dread welled in my stomach.   I could
see where this was going.   Damn him to hell!  Even if
he wasn�t already on his way, he should still be sent
there!

Ummmm... [reader scratches head, trying to figure this one out]

KOGA: Running off to hell?! You should be sent to hell for that!

	I swore inwardly.   I wanted Kagome, but not like
this!   �Does she know you�re asking this of me?�

I'm not quite clear on what his objections are.

Overall, I liked this scene quite a bit. The situation gives Koga some
very strong conflicting emotions. Rewrite so that his various
motivations and feelings are a little more clear and I think it'll be
great.

	I flinched back.   I knew one with human blood could
only wield the blade, not a youkai like myself.   �Are

knew only one with... could wield the
(As is, it's precluding those with human blood from doing anything
*else* with the blade.)

	�Sayonara, Kouga.   Remember your promise.�

Suggest: "Goodbye, Kouga.

	I watched him as he moved towards where Kikyou stood
waiting for him in the shadows.  Part of me wanted to
use the blade he had just entrusted to me and strike
her down, to spare Kagome the anguish of Inu Yasha�s
death, but I couldn�t do that.   It was a matter of
honor, one that didn�t involve me.

KOGA: Besides, she'd probably just fry me with a spell or something
before I got close. So I really *couldn't* do it.

	As I raced back to the mountain to await Kagome�s
arrival, the sheathed Tetsusaiga bouncing against my
hip, I trying to decide if Inu Yasha had been
incredibly strong or incredibly weak to make the
choices he had-

	-Or if it was possible to be both.

Not sure if the dashes work there; you might just want to start a new
sentence. Anyhow, nice ending line.

END OF "HIS WILL"

End notes:
I wasn't sure I had the courage to post this since I
KNOW I've already managed to offend one of my usual
prereaders (a staunch IY/Ka fan)... but the show must
go on, right?

I'll be the first to say that I don't care who gets matched up, as long
as the story is interesting and believable. Anyhow, I enjoyed it very
much.

Finally, I welcome all C&C.... the harsher the better!

Sorry, but if you want harsh, you'll have to write something less good.
^_^;;;


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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