The following is a chapter from "Reforoming Evil Can Be Tricky," an
improvisational fanfiction hosted at Indie Madnesse
(http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net).
This chapter was written by Ravi Duvvuri (duvvuri@uiuc.edu).
* * * * *
Monday morning at Studio 5E on the Indie Madnesse lot. A time of hustle and
bustle, as the film crews begin their rush to recover from their hangovers
and get their episode filmed on time.
As usual, the Author was late. Muttering something about traffic and train
crossings, he stopped in his tracks to study the tableau before him. As was
to be expected, without his expert guidance, everything was a chaotic mess.
Tucking his clipboard under his arm, he cracked his knuckles loudly and
smiled.
It was then that a bleary figure sat up from a couch on one of the sets and
approached him. He rubbed his eyes (okay, so he doesn't have eyes... work
with me, people...) and stumbled over his own feet.
"Moku-san... You look like shit. What the hell happened?" the Author asked
in as politic a manner as the situation called for.
The wood man shrugged and gestured widely. When that failed, he tried sign
language. It wasn't until he did an interpretive dance that the Author
figured out what he was trying to communicate.
"Ah, the Missus kicked you out again, eh?"
Mokujin nodded sadly.
"Okay, makeup? Can we get Mokujin here a full Murphy Oil treatment?
Thanks."
The Author (or Director, if we are to follow the current analogy) watched
as a bevy of assistants descended upon the henpecked training dummy and
escorted him off. Pulling his clipboard back out, the Author looked around
expectantly. After a moment of being ignored, he "Feh"ed loudly and went to
fetch his own damn doughnut.
The doughnuts were naturally spread out next to the coffee machines, all
sorts of flavors and fillings represented. The Author, of course, chose a
plain glazed one. He munched contemplatively, looking for his cup of tea.
"So what's my name today?"
The Author looked up to find Kim's wife standing next to him. She was
wearing her robe, curlers still in her hair, and was sipping from her mug
of extra-strength espresso. She had a copy of the new script in her hand,
but had apparently not had the time to go over it. (It would not have
helped, in any case, as the current draft consisted of "Stuff happens. And
much hilarity didth ensue.")
"Well, I was thinking of 'Jessie', but then the Immensely Powerful Kristen
Smirnov signed up, and I wouldn't want to tread on her ground. I then
thought about 'Akane', but that would invite the wrath of Woo-FUR. So,
you'll be Daisy today."
"Daisy?"
"Do you have any objection to it?"
Daisy (formerly known as Frida, formerly known as Kimona, and so on )
sighed -- #42 (A stupid Author blah-blah blah-blah) -- and gave her answer.
"No."
"Oh, good. The other possibility would have been Clytemnestra, and I didn't
think that'd go over too well."
"And you would be right." Daisy raised her mug to take another sip, pausing
as it reached her lips. "By the way, where's Kim? He's usually the first
one up."
The Author slapped his hand against his forehead. "Damn. I knew I forgot
something. Can I have everyone's attention?" he addressed the group at
large. Satisfied that everyone had stopped in their work and was paying
attention to him, the Author continued. "Kim's out today. He's got a
dentist's appointment."
"What the hell?" appeared to be the general reaction, with the exception of
Daisy, who signed again. The Author, being otherwise distracted, was unable
to take note of which sigh it was, and will be ritually spanked upon
conclusion of this chapter.
"That smile needs maintenance." The Author shrugged.
"Damn. He's the main character! What are we going to do?" Dan Hibiki,
method actor extraordinaire, asked.
"Well, I hired a body double..."
"Okay, but I'm not sleeping with him," Daisy informed him.
The Author threw his hands in the air, flailing wildly. "Why does everyone
always assume anything I write will have copious amounts of sex?!"
>From around the set, the Author was met by scores of blank expressions, as
though he had asked whether he should paint his face green and invite the
Pope over for a game of Strip Pachisi. (He wouldn't have, though. The
previous Author had, so his doing so would have been rather tacky.)
"Well, I'm not! In fact, Jhun won't even be in this episode, so nyah!" the
Author declared, hopping to the top of the donut (err... doughnut) table
and posing emphatically (after ducking to grab another pastry).
"Thank you thank you thank you!" Jhun exclaimed. "I could use the rest!
(You have no idea how Vitamin E deficient I have become this past week!)"
The Author smiled approvingly and stepped down from the top of the table,
shaking Jhun off his leg in the process. The crew began to disperse,
scurrying about to get their varied tasks done before the Author finished
his next doughnut.
"Say... Mr. Duvvuri? Me and the boys were wondering... It's nothing really
important, we were just... you know..." the stage manager asked ramblingly.
The Author finished chewing and swallowed. "Yes?" he prompted impatiently.
"What's with the lowercase name thing anyway?"
"Umm... ummm... anyway, let's get this show on the road. Places everyone!
Lights? Good. Takeshi, cue the title screen. Thanks!"
- = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = -
REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY!
Chapter 10: This Ain't No Disco
by Ravi Duvvuri
Started by the Multimediocre Knight.
Hosted by Indie Madnesse.
- = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = -
Last time, on Dallas:
- Look, if you don't know who shot Bobby, I'm not going to tell you, okay?
- = -
Matthew Steadfast cowered in the corner. A very large and imposing Geese
Howard stood above him, a sad bundle of dingy white cotton clutched tightly
in his fist.
"Please, let him go!" Matthew yelped.
Geese grinned evilly and tugged viciously at a loose thread on the sock
puppet. Turning back to Matthew, he raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Are
we going to have to do this the hard way, or will we be able to settle this
amicably?"
"I just think that--"
The phone chose to ring then. (Actually, it had little choice in the
matter, but it's a figure of speech... I'm sure if it had its say, it would
be trading itself in for a newer model, maybe one of those sexy Nokia
cellular ones. But that's neither here nor there...)
Geese frowned and gestured to the desk. "Well, what are you doing? Answer
the damn thing."
Matthew jumped up and ran to the desk, tripping on his own feet and ending
up on his face in the process. Getting back up, he reached for the
receiver.
"Speaker phone." Geese stepped back and crossed his arms.
Matthew nodded and pressed the button to answer the phone. With a gulp, he
spoke. "Hello, you've reached MS-DOS Headquarters. This is High Grand
Chief
Mar--"
"Moo."
"Oh, Agent 001. What do you have to re--"
"Moo."
"You can't be serious! You want a pay rai-"
"Moo!"
"But I've paying you quite hand-"
"Moo."
"Your cousin? Look, I don't ca-"
"_Moo._"
"The Man-Eating Cow, eh? Well, if you put it tha-"
"Moo."
"Moo moo moooo," Geese interrupted, glaring at Matthew. Matthew chose to
resume cowering in the corner.
The Interrupting Cow paused, as if lost for words. "Moo?"
"Moo moo. Moo moo moo." Geese drew his hand across his throat in a knife
gesture and winked evilly at Matthew.
"Moo."
"Moo!"
"Moo..." the Interrupting Cow said in a resigned tone. "Moo?"
"Moo."
Click.
"Now, we're going to do things my way. Okay?" Geese held up the sock
puppet, running his index finger lazily over one of its button eyes.
"Yes! Anything you say!" Matthew cried. "Just please don't hurt him
anymore!"
Geese swore silently and tossed the sock to the side. Matthew cringed and
ran to the aid of the sock, cradling it gingerly. "Oh, Bleachy... He didn't
hurt you too badly, did he? Please, Bleachy, talk to me! Oh God, why!?"
Geese silenced him with a backhand and glared at him with a look usually
reserved for cottage cheese that had been left in the back of the fridge
for the last year. Wrinkling his nose, he stepped over to the desk and
picked up the receiver. With the same hand, he tapped out the number and
brought the phone up to his ear.
"Hey, CV? Yeah. I need your help. No, nothing like that."
He nodded.
"Yeah, I need to you go to Japan. Yes, Japan."
He frowned.
"No, no, no... I don't want you to rub out Paul the Samurai. What? Well,
sure if you want to... but I'm not paying for it."
He clenched his free hand in a fist.
"A superhero? Well, no, not exac-"
He sighed.
"Oh, well in that case, yes. He's a pompous overbearing wide grinning
freak. And... he loves to proclaim his intentions to make the world a happy
shiny place."
He did the boxstep.
Okay, fine. He just smiled. Happy?
"Mm-hmm. The name's Kaphwan."
- = -
There is no occupation quite so pathetic as that of a wrestling announcer.
For a while, it looked like Assistant Manager of Pet Supplies at Wal-Mart
might give it a run for its money, but that turned out to have been a
clerical error. Our humblest apologies.
The title of "Most Pathetic" does not mean to imply that it is the worst
occupation, as it has previously been established that said honor is held
by wrestling referees.
One may wonder how it may be that professional wrestling may lay claim to
so many less than sterling titles, but I digress.
Indeed, the occupation of professional wrestling announcer is not
inherently bad. Quite to the opposite, the benefits and perks are often
quite rewarding. It is the pathos surrounding the announcer that makes
their job undesirable, the knowledge that you are as low on the cosmic
food chain of gainful employment as a human can get. (Unless, of course,
you consider telephone salespeople to be human, which for the purposes of
our survey, we have not.)
The reason this chain of dialogue has been followed, and the reason it is
relevant to the story at hand, is because at this current time there were
three such pathetically employed men sitting around a desk attempting to
determine a proper course of action -- preferably one that would keep them
involved in announcing for professional wrestling and prevented them from
facing the fact that they were, in fact, Pathetic -- now that the JWF had
been effectively derailed by one Kim Kap Hwan. (Eighty-three words, folks.)
The Calm American Announcer had expressed disapproval of their plans and
was summarily handcuffed, gagged, and blindfolded. He may have been
enjoying it, but if he was, he wasn't going to let the others know.
Nodding in unison, the three men left the room, commandeered a U-haul
truck, tossed the bound figures of Dan Hibiki, the fourth announcer, and
some random (yeah right) passerby in the back, and laid in a course for
Gedo High School.
- = -
Hyo Iwamano stood impassively atop the rooftop of Justice High School. His
arms crossed in front of him, he studied the approaching figures with an
appraising eye.
He was not terribly impressed.
"Feh. A group of drunkards and children," he muttered. "It will indeed
take
a good amount of work to develop them to the point where they will beco--
Whoowee! Whatta hottie!"
"Excuse me, Sir?" one of Hyo's numerous lackeys asked.
"Ahem. Nothing. Leave me, monkeyboy!" Hyo spat dismissively. "And call
the
florist!"
Turning his attention back to the newcomers, he let his eyes trace lovingly
over the rather attractive woman in the group. "Oooh, baby," he whispered
before he dashed for the stairs in as nonchalant and distinguished manner
as he could.
- = -
Coming to a stop next to the water fountains, Daisy placed her hands
protectively on her sons' shoulders. This certainly was not the proper
place for her children to be, no matter how insistent that idiot of a
husband she had... insisted.
"You! The psychopath and the drunken slob!" she called out. "Go make
yourself productive. I am taking my boys home."
"Freedom! About #$*#*ing time, you $&*%#!" Ryuji swore, only to be
clobbered again by Daisy's mallet. (Okay, so last time it was Frida's
mallet, but I run the risk of being malleted myse--- Ow. Never mind.)
Iori slithered up to the prone figure of Ryuji, sniffing him in the hopes
of finding some hidden cache of alcohol on his person.
"Come on, boys. Let's go home." Daisy gently pushed her sons back toward
the family station wagon. "I'll call Kim to let him know he needs to pick
you up later, okay?" she called out over her shoulder.
"Please wait!" a voice rang out behind her as she had just reached the
school gates. Daisy turned around to find herself face-to-face with a
handsome man in a red military-styled principal's uniform. He ran his hand
through his waist-length white hair and straightened his collar.
Hyo stood impassively, trying not to betray his lack of breath. He'd rushed
outside as quickly as he could, but he had been held up. (Incidentally, he
had been delayed while trying to find the lackey in charge of Blowing
Clouds of Swirling Cherry Blossoms Across The School Yard So As To Set A
Romantic And Symbolic Mood. Said lackey had been field-demoted to Assistant
Haruspex.)
"What can I do for you?" Daisy asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.
"No, Miss," Hyo replied. "The question is what can _I_ do for _you_."
"Excuse me?"
Hyo gestured to himself and the school. "Forgive me. I am Hyo Iwamano,
principal of renowned Justice High School. Would you be our new school
nurse?" He smiled widely, letting the light reflect off in just the right
way.
"No, I'm not. I'm just dropping off those two freaks of nature. I think
they're supposed to teach." Daisy shrugged. Let Kim deal with this, she
thought to herself.
"Well, in that case, there would be no problem with me asking you if you'd
care to accompany me for a drink?"
Daisy sighed again (#77: I am being wooed by a total biseinen hunk, but I
am regretfully married to a total blockhead.) "I'm sorry, Iwamano-san. But
you see, I am already married. I'm... flattered, but..." she trailed off,
smiling shyly.
And with that, she turned and stepped into her car (which Jack and Don had
conveniently climbed into and started up). "Have a good day," she said as
she slammed on the gas.
"MUST... KILL..." Ryuji intoned, distracting Hyo.
Hyo reached over and seized Ryuji by the throat. "I will let you kill as
many men as you wish. Just tell me the name of that woman's husband!"
"Urk."
"Oh, sorry, good chap," Hyo apologized as he let Ryuji fall to the ground.
"His name's Kaphwan. Now about that killing..."
- = -
Meanwhile, back at Gedo High School... Yes, it's a lame transition. Deal
with it. Where was I? Right... Back at Gedo High, Lucky and Edge were
shouting, Heavy D was nodding, Billy was running, Gan was crushing, and Kim
was standing. With his back conveniently to the camera, of course.
Actually, to be entirely honest, Heavy D had stopped nodding, Billy had
stopped running, and Gan was really pounding more than crushing. Lucky and
Edge _were_ shouting, though.
"Gan, cut it out," a new voice added. Five heads turned in the direction of
the newcomer (Billy was too busy enjoyed the swirly colors). The speaker
was a young girl with short-cropped hair. In a gruff voice, she continued.
"The name's Akira. I run this school. Are you the new teachers?"
"Like bloody hell we are! I got dragged into this by that jerk over there,"
Billy answered, getting to his feet and pointing out Kim.
Edge turned to Kim, whose face was still not revealed to the reader. "Hey
you, Mister Smiley-face, you want to add something before we carve out your
liver and serve it to Gan here?"
"Dude, you're not supposed to talk to him!" Akira hissed at Edge. "He's
just a stand-in!"
"Screw that! I'll do whatever I damn well please. NOW DIE!" Edge screamed
and charged at Kim, only to be stopped when a large meaty hand clamped down
on his shoulder.
"The boss said no, Edge," Gan admonished.
Lucky had taken the opportunity to sidle up to Akira, dropping his arm on
her shoulder. "So, babe... you're the main man (as it were) around here,
huh? How about we get together, your people can talk to mine, and we can
get a nice little racket going here?"
Unfortunately for him, Akira was immune to Lucky's charm. With a frown, she
reached back, grabbed his arm, and yanked it painfully into a position
Mother Nature never intended it to remain in.
"Ow, ow, ow... come on, give me a chance!"
Akira smirked. "Okay, hotshot. Let's see... You listen to enka?"
"Gah, of course not. I hate that 'Save the Whales' song..."
"Enka, not Enya, you uncultured gaijin twit! Feh," Akira scowled as she let
go of his arm let him drop to the ground. "You fail."
"Enka, Enya... whatever..." he said, hopping up to his feet and putting his
hand on her shoulder to stop her.
"Get your hands off the boss, you chicken-biting geek!" Edge shrieked as he
drew a knife. Twirling it, he slowly stepped toward Lucky. "I'm gonna cut
you up so badly that--"
"Dee!" Heavy D interjected, pointing excitedly toward the school gates,
where a car seemed to be pulling up to a stop. Scratch that, it was a
truck. And it wasn't stopping, but instead careering straight toward
them...
"HOLY SHIT!!!!" exclaimed a choir of voices as the mixed group of
delinquents found themselves unexpectedly dodging traffic in the middle of
the schoolyard.
The group began picking themselves off the ground, glaring at the moving
van parked obtrusively in the spot where they had previously been standing.
Before any of them could say a word, however, three figures jumped out. In
a blur of activity, the back of the van was open, items were removed, the
van was shut, and noises were made. When the dust cleared, the students
blinked at what sat before them -- a wrestling ring, complete with an
Announcer's table.
"And here we are, at the very first of a special series, the JWF High
School Challenge Tour! Today we are at scenic Gedo High, or rather, the
decimated remains of the school!" The Hyper American Announcer bounced
excitedly in his seat. (More likely, his jumping was due to the large tack
he had just sat on, but it sounds better this way.)
"An appropriate venue for such a monumentous clash as awaits us today,
wouldn't you agree?" the Hyper Japanese Announcer asked.
"Yes, it is. Although, it should be pointed out that 'decimated' means that
one-tenth of the school would have been destroyed, when in reality the
entire school was," the Calm Japanese Announcer replied pedantically.
The Hyper Announcers sweatdropped in unison.
"Today, we welcome our select group of combatants," the Calm American
Announcer continued, grumbling under his breath at being forced to take
part in this. "This group of rowdy dysfunctionals will be challenging Dan
Hibiki and Kim Kaphwan for a chance at the special All-Japan High School
Champion Belt."
"In a duel to the DEATH!" the Hyper American Announcer added, before
sheepishly continuing, "Well, okay... not to the death, but it will
certainly be exciting!"
The Calm Japanese Announcer gestured to the students. "Our first fight
will be Edge Yamada versus Kim Kaphwan."
Edge scowled, hopping up into the ring and pulling out his longest,
wickedest blade. Kim shrugged and climbed into the ring, facing outward so
as to hide his face from everyone else.
"Kim, if you would turn around please? We can't start the fight until you
face your opponent," the Calm Japanese Announcer requested.
"No!" came the muffled reply.
"Look, it's not Kim," Billy informed the judges. "It's just a double.
He's not supposed to look into the camera or say any lines!"
"Oh, for crying out loud, just turn the hell around!" Edge screamed as he
grabbed Kim's shoulder and spun him around, revealing his identity...
"Ryouga Hibiki?!"
"No relation," Dan and Ryouga choired instinctively. "What?!"
"Well, what a SURPRISING turn of events!" The Hyper Japanese Announcer was
never one to let a possible cue slip through his fingers. "This fight will
prove to be even more exciting, as Hibiki is a contender for the belt as
well! In all, a most excellent start to our tournament!"
"It should be noted that this match will be conducted without referees,"
the Calm American Announcer remarked.
The Calm Japanese Announcer nodded. "Indeed. Basically, this will truly
be a battle of anything-goes martial artistry."
"Well, let's go, ya dweeb!" Edge snarled. From the sideline, Gan nodded in
agreement.
Ryouga attempted Kim's Smile #7, but failed. Instead, he only succeeded in
smiling his own #3. (The "Bwaha-HA! I am a rabid vampiric loser out to
swallow your dead uncle Pete's soul!" smile, in case you were wondering.)
"Gyah!" Edge exclaimed, backing away from the sight of Ryouga's sharp and
pointy fangs. Tightening his grip on his switchblade, he slashed out
wildly.
Ryouga dodged and countered with his dreaded Angst Attack, whining out at
the top of his lungs. "The WORLD is a COLD and LONELY pla-- URK!"
Unfortunately for Ryouga, Gan chose this moment to slam a conveniently
handy bucket against Ryouga's head. Normally, Ryouga's rather thick skull
would have prevented him from registering the blow, but as the bucket had
been previously full, he was... shall we say, inconvenienced by this
action.
"BWEE!" he chittered angrily.
"OH MY GOD!" The Hyper English Announcer screamed. "Edge has turned Kim
into a cute black pig!"
"Indeed. It appears that in addition to his atrocious fashion sense, the
Blade of Gedo High has been dabbling in dark sorceries," the Calm Japanese
Announcer commented.
The Hyper Japanese Announcer took his cue to chip in. "How can this
POSSIBLY get more exciting?!"
The not-so-random passerby the announcers had tossed into the back of their
truck chose that moment to wake up. Looking around, his gaze naturally fell
to the Bright Pink Wonder (not that one, I meant Dan). Only a truly evil
person could even ponder wearing such an outfit, he decided. With a snarl,
he hefted his large sword (Freud'd've had a field day, folks) and he charged
toward the ring. Knocking over Billy, he raised his sword in a gesture of
challenge to Dan.
"My name is Siegfried Schtauffen. You killed my father, prepare to DIE!"
"I think it just did," the Calm American Announcer monotoned.
- = -
Daisy hung up the phone. Talking to her mother always cleared her mind
whenever Kim did something remarkably stupid, and signing her up to teach
classes at some crazy high school definitely qualified as "remarkably
stupid." Sighing her #51 (When the going gets tough, the frazzled get
baking.), she picked up a tray of chewy oatmeal cookies and was about to...
Wait, what was that whirring sound from the living room? Daisy peeked her
head around the corner into the living room, only to find...
"Boys, are you shoving Kyo Kusanagi into the chipper-shredder?"
"Um, yes?"
"Oh, okay. Just be sure to clean up after you're done. I baked cookies."
"Yippee!"
There was a knock at the front door. Daisy set down the tray of baked goods
and went to answer it. Opening the door revealed a lanky man in a black
leather jacket. Fasten to his lapel was an upside-down smiley-face button.
"Are you Kim Kaphwan?" he asked, peering intently at her.
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
The man turned around, revealing the large letters "KICK YOURSELF"
emblazoned across the back of his jacket. He turned to face Daisy again, as
thought remembering something he'd meant to inquire about.
"Well, if you see him, tell him that the Chainsaw Vigilante wants to see
him."
- = -
Dan stared at the large piece of metal leveled at his chest. He blinked
twice. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me! I seek vengeance for the death of my father. I will have
blood!" And with that he stabbed his sword forward into the Dan-shaped
void that had only moments earlier been occupied.
"Oyaji!" Dan shouted as he launched into a vicious kick at the blond man's
head, only to be swatted away by the flat of Siegfried's blade.
"And it looks like we're going to get a fight to the death, after all!" the
Hyper American Announcer screamed. "Will wonders never cease?"
The Calm Japanese Announcer nodded. "Our new contestant is Siegfried
Schtauffen, a swordsman from Germany. As you may have guessed, his father
was dishonorably ambushed and murdered."
"And ever since, he's been hunting down the man responsible!" the Hyper
Japanese Announcer added.
Dan swung out with a wide punch, shouting loudly as he did so. "Oyaji!"
"Oyajiiiiii!" Siegfried cried in response, bringing his sword to a ready.
"Huh?" Dan paused in midstep, confused by the German's shout.
"Ach! But now you've got me saying it. Die, you murderous cur!"
Dan held his hand out, gesturing for Siegfried to stop. "Look, I too fight
in loving memory of my departed father. Surely, you can see I am no
murderer."
("A desperate gambit," the Calm American Announcer muttered. "I wonder if
it will work?")
Siegfried lowered his sword and looked up. As the two men gazed in each
other's eyes, they discovered something they'd both long been missing -- a
kindred soul, someone who _understood_ the pain and suffering in his heart.
As one, they rushed toward each other in a warm fraternal hug.
The Announcers were silent as Siegfried and Dan departed the school
grounds, chatting loudly and patting each other on the back.
- = -
"Dee?" Heavy D asked, offering Ryouga a snack cracker.
"Bwee!" he answered, turning his nose, errr... snout, up at the offer.
"Bwee bwee buki bwee!"
"Dee? Dee dee!"
"Bwee." Ryouga nodded in the direction of the ring, where Edge was standing
expectantly.
"Dee? Dee dee-dee dee?" Heavy D asked.
Ryouga was about to answer when a tall figure in black leather pants and a
white t-shirt leapt from behind a conveniently placed park bench. "Well,
well, well... if it isn't Basketball Man and his diminutive sidekick
Porkboy! DIE SUPERHERO FREAKS!"
Heavy D, choking on his cracker in surprise, found himself staring at the
man's face, which was hidden behind a yellow cardboard smiley-face mask.
Ryouga's attention was drawn to the whirring chainsaw in his hand.
"And it appear we have a new entry!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer
proclaimed gleefully.
"Yes, a new contestant has entered the ring. I'm sure his identity will be
revealed soon," the Calm American Announcer replied.
"And yes, it would appear to be... err... Craftsman Man!" the Hyper
American Announcer hastily added.
"That's Chainsaw Vigilante, you squirming ocelot cubs!" the man in question
shouted. He waved his trademark weapon in the general direction of the
announcers' table. "Don't make me punish you."
A basketball to the head returned his attention to the side of the ring.
The entire group was staring at him, trying to decide who the hell he was.
"Great googley moogley, what is it with you Japanese people? You're all a
bunch of weirdos!" Chainsaw Vigilante exclaimed, in shock at the appearance
of the assembled fighters. (Okay, it was mostly in reaction to Edge's
attire, but let's not dwell too much on that.)
"Dee!"
"So, you want to rumble, eh? Taste justice, you ne'er-do-wicked idiot!"
The Chainsaw Vigilante leaped toward Heavy D, revving his chainsaw.
"And the thrills never stop around here! The audience is definitely
getting their money's worth today!" the Hyper Japanese Announcer shouted.
"Except that there is no audience," the Calm Japanese Announcer reminded
him.
"Work with me, babe..."
The Announcers turned their attention back to the ring, where Heavy D was
jumping around to avoid the wildly slashing chainsaw. The others were
watching in dumbfounded silence, except for Edge, who was wondering where
he could get a nice shiny chainsaw for himself. Preferably without
having to pay retail.
"Do! You! REPENT?" the Chainsaw Vigilante laughed as he cornered Heavy D
against the outside of the ring. The chainsaw roared loudly, and he was
made very happy indeed by the look of fear in Heavy D's eyes.
"BWEE!" Ryouga snorted loudly as he clamped his teeth down on Chainsaw
Vigilante's ankle, managing to get all the way through the boot to the pale
white flesh inside.
"Gyah! Get back, you evil do-gooder!" Chainsaw Vigilante jumped around,
trying to shake the piglet off his leg. "Why you!" he shouted as he
brought the chainsaw down on the hapless animal.
"Oh, the HUMANI--- err, the PORCINITY!" the Hyper American Announcer
exclaimed.
"Oh my god, you killed Ryouga! You bastard!" Akira shrieked. (Granted,
this is somewhat out of character for her in general, until you consider
that Ryouga was admittedly cute in both forms, and if one were required to
spend every day with Edge and Gan, one would be excused in being mildly
attracted to Ryouga.)
"Dee!" Heavy D agreed. (Well, maybe he was reciting an eloquent
Shakespearean soliloquy, but can you tell the difference? I didn't think
so.)
The Chainsaw Vigilante shrugged. "Anyone want pork chops?"
"Oooh."
- = -
"Hey, hand me another cooky."
"Get your own!"
"Oh fine."
"So we are agreed on the results of experiment X-11A41-9?"
"Which one is that?"
"_Duh_... The one we just _did_, Don..."
"Oh, right. Sorry."
"If these calculations are correct, Mister Kusanagi is nigh-immortal. He'll
keep regenerating, until he either runs out of lives or we find the
specific way that he can be killed. (Either that, or he will evolve into
some new and powerful superbeing, but I doubt that could ever happen,
because after all, this is _Kyo_ we're talking about.)"
"And?"
"And so, we could keep trying to kill him until we find the way that he
won't come back, thus removing a key running gag from the hands of the
Authors."
"But how can we do that?"
"By coercing the Authors to continue to find new ways to kill Kyo."
"And how can we do that?"
"With this!"
"Ewwww, gross... are those Mom's underpants?"
"No, they belong to the next Author."
"But the next Author... he's a guy! Oh... wait, I see..."
"Exactly!"
"Y'know, Jack... this could almost be considered... controversial."
"Heh. Mweh heh."
"We'll need to confirm our findings though."
"Coolness. I'm glad to see you agree with me."
"You aren't going to get away with this," a third (and groggy) voice told
them.
"Shut up, Kyo!"
*clang*
- = -
The bar regulars gave the two strangers a wide berth, as people are wont to
do when two large men clad in pink pajamas and full-plate armor come
through the door and order mint juleps.
"Now you try..."
"VATER!" Dan shouted, shaking a fist in the air. "You are right, it does
have a certain 'OOSHA!' to it."
"Indeed. German is so much more manlier of a language."
"Well, perhaps, but it's situational. If I were in Europe, charging across
the field of battle on horseback, then yes, 'Vater' is entirely
appropriate," Dan deliberated. "But in honorable mano a mano combat,
nothing has quite the impact of a heartfelt 'OYAJIIII!', you know?"
"Hmmm.... I see what you mean. I shall have to give it a try sometime and
get back to you." Siegfried slammed back his drink and shook his head. "I
think this shall be enough for me, however."
"Shall we meet here again, next Thursday? It's karaoke night."
"That would be most agreeable," Siegfried said as he stood up woozily and
stumbled his way to the door.
- = -
"Are you shoving the Chainsaw Vigilante into the chipper-shredder?"
"Ummm... no."
Daisy sighed #31 ("The products of my womb have made a bloody mess of the
living room curtains, and _still_ they are lying to me."). She picked up
the black leather jacket set lying in a recliner and raised her eyebrow.
"No, really, Mom... It's Kyo again."
"Yeah, we just took the Vigilante's jacket 'cuz we knew you'd like it!"
"Oh. Okay," she smiled. "Thanks!"
- = -
In a rare show of cooperation, the assorted martial artists and delinquents
joined forces and descended en masse upon the hapless announcers. After
packing them in a large cardboard box, they were mailed off to Swaziland.
Predictably, the first thing they did upon their arrival was establish the
All-Swaziland Pro Wrestling Federation.
- = -
"Kim Kaphwan, I will destroy you and everything you stand for. You and your
crime-fighting compatriots are the antithesis of all that is evil and holy
in this world, and I will not rest until you are horribly disfigured under
my blade!"
The Chainsaw Vigilante threw his head back in menacing laughter, stopping
when he realized that he looked nowhere near as imposing without his
jacket.
"And your little boy, too!"
- = -
Kim Kap Hwan returned from his dentist's appointment late in the afternoon.
Aside from the normal stresses of various drillings and scrapings and
pokings, he had to deal with the results of his missed day of shooting.
"Oh, hey Kim," the Author greeted him sheepishly. "Things didn't turn out
quite how they were expected to, but it shouldn't be too bad."
"But you derailed my reformation of Gedo High! You brought back those pesky
wrestling people!"
"They're all gone and dealt with! I'm sure the next Author will get things
back on track."
"I'm afraid that won't be enough."
"I'm not going to enjoy this, am I?" the Author asked.
Kim smiled his #144, the "Don't Be Happy, Worry" smile, and cracked his
knuckles.
The Author gulped.
FIN (chapter 10)
- = -
AUTHOR'S NOTES [Or, In Which Ravi Makes an Observation]
The very nature of chibi-impro is very liberating. This was, probably, the
easiest impro chapter I have written. I, for one, didn't expect it to be
this long and was pleasantly surprised when it turned out this way.
This, too, is a first-and-final draft. It's a bit... on the busy side, and
I couldn't get it to quite cooperate. Sorry.
This chapter is very far from DDD compliant, and gleefully so. I introduced
three unnecessary characters. One of them was a stand-in, and deservingly
was killed and eaten. One was a gag, and may not need to return. The other
is a character I'd like to see stick around. You can guess who is who.
Siegfried is from Soul Edge and the Chainsaw Vigilante is from The Tick.
If you don't know who Ryouga is, give up now. Really.
Oh, and in case you're unfamiliar with Soul Edge, the killer of Siegfried's
father is none other than... Siegfried himself. But he doesn't know about
that, because he went insane to protect himself from the guilt. Fun, ne?
And now, for "What's in Ravi's CD Changer?" :
Dan Bern -- "Dan Bern"
Low Road -- "The Devil's Pocket"
Red Elvises -- "I Wanna See You Bellydance"
Silly Wizard -- "Live Wizardry"
Scott Walker -- "Tilt"
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