James M. Zema wrote:
Haven't read any of the C&C for this yet, so some things might be
repeated. As always, everything is in my opinion only, take it or
leave it as you like.
Righty-o!
Thanks for taking the time to C&C, and sorry about the delay in
responding. (mutters about stupid car accidents and stupider
mail-servers dying on him)
"I have heard it said that 'pride goeth before a fall', and have
found this to be true. For that, I would consider humility to be one of
the greatest wisdoms that we can learn. I find solace in the face that I
was not the only one who had difficulty learning this lesson."
'Prince' Herb, former dignitary of Old Terra -- Old Terran Year
2005, July 27th.
This is one of the better quotes you've had in the opening position I
think.
Really? Hm. most are kinda trite, I guess....
Strength that most humans envied even while fearing it was spent
carelessly.
The 'even while fearing it' part of the sentence doesn't sound quite
right to me the way you have it phrased. The meaning is clear, but it
seems a little awkward.
Will reword. This scene was actually written several months ago.
It's up to you, of course, but frankly, I don't think the technique
'names' really help the fight description. Especially since they're
interspersed with more graphic descriptions. It can work (I've always
liked it in the Wheel of Time for instance) but I think you need to be
mostly consistent. Either one way or the other, and it needs to be
established before hand, rather than just appearing in the middle of a fight.
Hm.
Eh, it sucked. I'll delete that scene and write something else.
The prince of the Musk stared at his fallen opponent, and began to
laugh, slowly at first, and then more deeply. He continued laughing
until the somewhat older warrior who had accompanied Ranma arrived. Then
the prince of the Musk, loser of the duel, collapsed to sit next to one
who he would have called a friend, struggling for breath, and exhausted
>from his use of a trick he had not yet truly mastered.
He didn't exactly lose the duel, it was more of a draw. Frankly, I would
say that Herb won it if anyone did since Ranma collapsed seconds after it
was declared over :)
Right.
"I think so, we just need to make him rest until he can recover."
"I will see that he is carried, then. He has won our favor, after all."
Herb? I didn't think he used the royal 'we'. If it isn't him, it's a bit
unclear who it might be.
I thought he did. I'll revise that.
Across the palace of Jurai, servants scurried about madly -- there
was much to be done before Tenchi and the Home Fleet jumped again to
Earth. For his part, the emperor lay, across the foot of the massive bed
in his chamber, a day of seemingly endless meetings finally finished and
over with.
I don't think you need the comma after 'emperor lay'
Definately not needed.
Seiryo had been dealt with, the arrogant prince apparently too
confused by Tenchi's apology to press the issue, and content to leave
once the boy had explained that he was sorry about the last time. The
rest of the meetings had been completed with either mind-numbing
attention paid to details that Tenchi wasn't sure were important, or
fawning devotion to concepts that he regarded as outdated.
Then too, the council attempted to ignore Karau and his views on
every issue, much to Tenchi's annoyance. He had finally pointed out that
unless a majority could be achieved -- and without Karau, it could not
-- that the Emperor would have the final say in every vote brought to
the Council. Mollified, somewhat, the councilmen then resorted to trying
to coerce the young Laruma.
I don't see why that would mollify them. I would think it would just
make them angrier, even if it did force them to accept Karau to some
extent.
Because they run the risk of turning over the vote to Tenchi if they
can't take Karau into consideration.
But I think the word 'mollified' has to go. I only know it from
context, which is apparently wrong. Subdued works, without removing the
hints of resentment that should still remain....
Ayeka pouted dramatically, before her expression gave way to a grin,
and she shook her head. "Silly," she told him. "I was merely teasing
you. This isn't a problem, honestly; I'd been living with you for months
before we returned here. The rumor already persists that.... Well." She
seemed content to leave it at that.
I imagine she wouldn't mind too much if it weren't a rumor either :)
True enough.
Jakugo's eyes flicked briefly to Tsunami, studying her with a cold,
calculating light, before he ducked his head, nodding. "It as is you say
it, Tsunami-sama -- I forget my place. I would not question your choice,
merely worry that if you are needed near, and are away, the empire may
suffer," he explained.
I do believe she's lost some of her influence on the populace with
the transformation. All in all, it's not benefitting her much if at
all. Not that she really had a choice after she chose to save Sasami's
life.
Then the whole 'vanishing for 700 years' thing.... That might not
help much.
Fighting down the surge of fear that rose from the presence of the
beast, Jakugo snorted, reaching into his robe. "But what's one planet,
when the good of the empire is concerned?" he asked, pulling a
fist-sized globe of green crystal out and holding it aloft.
I should have seen this coming, but for some reason I didn't.
Heh. Run his name through a translator some time. I'm glad I got
SOMETHING right. ;)
"This sure are getting complicated," Tenchi mumbled. "What about
Ryouko? Or Kohito? Was she able to save him?"
This sure _is_ getting
Was originally 'things', so yeah, that's gotta be fixed.
"And I still don't know if you even care about me," she sobbed
quietly, bending down to place a kiss against his forehead, while he
slumbered. "I wish you would give me some sort of sign, some answer...
oh, Ranma. This is why I stopped being grown up!"
I'm not sure if you've actually mentioned it before, but is Washu in
her child or adult form for most of this?
It gets mentioned only very rarely, but she hasn't been in child
form since chapter two.
Anyway, a very nice read as usual. Moving on to the next one...
'as usual'? Ah! You flatter me!
Thank you very much for your time and comments. :p
---
Sincerely,
James M. Zema
Email: zema@uakron.edu
Webpage: http://uakron.edu/~zema/