"Miller, Bert" <Bert.Miller@unisys.com> wrote:

Ah.  Gary's fics are always interesting to C&C.

And Bert's C&Cs are always interesting to read, not just when it's one
of my fics. :)

Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] Tenshi

Angel?  At first I though this might be a Buffy reference.

(Or Eva, or something along the "Touched by an Angel" line,
or Dark Angel, or Angelic Layer, or ...  You get the picture.
Too many possible references.  While you might leave it alone,
trusting that the reader will figure out that none of the above
apply, you might also want the reader to be focused on reading
your fic rather than guessing here.)

I suppose, but this was the best idea I had for a name. Also, his full
name is a Japanese pun. (The "P" stands for "Pe.")

Tenshi nodded as he sat at the counter. "Sure. Thanks." The waitress
who'd greeted him poured a cupful of dough onto the grill; it sizzled
and steamed as she patted it into shape with a spatula.

Doesn't she normally use two for that?

Not sure. I'll check.

Kind of lost me here.  Why is he so sure Konatsu is the owner?
In the US, I can see assuming that the elegantly-dressed
hostess must be the owner, while the cook isn't; but Japan is
full of bars and restaurants about the size of Ucchan's, where
it's usually the person behind the counter who's the owner.
Is this just underlining Tenshi's incompetence?

Well, it seems a reasonable, or at least likely, assumption that the
better-dressed one is the owner. Granted, this is probably my ignorance
of Japanese culture coming into play more than anything else. I'll have
to give this one some thought.

Tenshi took a second look at the young woman. Long, silky ebony hair,

...differing only in the "long" part from any other Japanese woman...

Which is, of course, your point; but there's a minor plausibility
problem in having this guy even notice the "ebony", for the same
reason.

Well, I need to describe Ukyo in order to give a convincing feeling that
Tenshi is staring at her. You're probably right that he wouldn't find
the hair noticeable, but I'm not sure what to mention that he *would*
notice.

UKYO: My hair noticeable? Honey, I could probably comb it differently
and put on a pair of glasses, and even my friends wouldn't know it was
me.

held in place by a ribbon, cascaded down past her flawlessly perfect
face and ample chest to her narrow waist. Four stars. No, five. Five
stars meant that a babe was gorgeous enough that he'd do it with her
then and there, in front of everyone.

Underlining that he's a sleazebag?

Yep, and you snipped the punchline. :)

"Coming right up!" She sounded a bit exasperated. Obviously, 
she wanted to be more than just a waitress to pretty boy. The age-
old story. Girl meets boy, girl gets the hots for boy, but girl over
on the next block has bigger you-know-whats.

Heh.  You never gave us any reaction when he finally saw Akane,
though.

Couldn't really work it in anywhere. I suppose I could have him as the
psychiatrist make some sort of comment referring back to this, that of
course gets conveniently interpreted as something else....

"Great! Maybe I'll try it." He swatted her on the shoulder
playfully.  "Thanks, Ucchan!"

Going with the "she's just a pal" interpretation for this story?
I thought you didn't like that one?

Well, what I actively dislike seeing is an Ukyo who is content to be
(only) Ranma's pal. A Ranma who thinks that Ukyo is only interested in
being pals with him does also stretch credulity -- the fact that she
attacked him when she thought he was giving Akane a ring would've been
something of a tipoff, I think -- but I don't think you necessarily have
to conclude that he does think that from this bit. Admittedly, the point
here is to try to evoke some feelings of pathos and sympathy for Ukyo,
and hopefully give the reader some understanding of what drives her to
do what she does.

"I guess if you've got it, you might as well use it," Ukyo said
wistfully. "I can't deny being a little jealous when I look 
at how built
Shampoo is. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a bod like hers that would
make any guy look twice?"

"Once was enough for me," Tenshi sputtered. Just what kind of taste in
women did this Ranma *have?*

The initial mistake was funny; I'm not sure having him miss Ukyou's
implication was.  He's not even listening to his new customer?  Then
again, given the plans he comes up with...

The hardest part of plotting this story for me was coming up with ideas
for Tenshi to try. I was pretty satisfied in the end with the
psychiatrist thing, less so the school play which I went with anyway for
lack of anything better.

"A script?" Ukyo flipped through the typed sheets of paper. "'An
Okonomiyaki With Love And Dreams, To Go?'"

Tenshi nodded. "It's about a poor, depressed high school student who
gets crapped on by his family and most everyone else. Finally he gets
up, and runs away with his only real friend, who just happens to be an
okonomiyaki restaurateur, and he lives happily ever after."

;) You're going to entitle the play "The Long and Winding Road"?

Tenshi's not been following the fanfic plagiarism discussions, I
guess.... :)

"There is one stipulation, though," Mr. Tenshi cautioned. "Due to...
insurance regulations... we must require the lead part in the 
play to be performed by...." He pulled out a sheet of paper and
began reading as if quoting directly from it. "'... a martial
artist whose initials are R.S.'"

Heh.  But I think it might've been worthwhile to have that
designation not be unique, at least good for a quick joke.
Say, a not-quite-black belt Rei Shinohara, who happens to be
quite a good actress?  Or a practitioner of Martial Arts Kabuki?
(Well, I've already done that (not that I care); but there's
always Noh?)

The introduction of any character named "Noh" will inevitably result in
a whole lot of "Who's on first" style jokes. :)  But yeah, I think
something along the lines you describe would be good, and I'll see what
I can come up with.

"Now listen up!" The voice of Drama Coach Kunren resonated through the
room, with such force that it nearly shook the walls. "This next scene
is a tender dramatic moment featuring the character played by 
Ms. Nikai!

Yuka Nikai = floor of second floor?

See my reply to Colleen for an explanation of this name.

"All right, then! On the count of three, you will commence 
acting! One! Two! THREE! Act! Act!"

Heh.  Nice bit, with the ex-soccer coach.  I can picture the backstage
guys jogging through the auditorium in formation yelling "Fight-o!
Fight-o!"
in unison.

The original drafts I wrote for the hour challenges had a nameless,
faceless teacher in charge of the drama club, with a note to self "Give
him a personality in the revision." :)  For said revision, I asked
myself what sort of archetype you *wouldn't* expect to find in his role,
and settled on a drill sergeant.

Kunren turned on him angrily. "Since you find this so amusing, Mister
Chapatsu, you can just drop and give me twenty soliloquies! NOW! Move
it, move it!"

"Chapatsu"?  = hair dyed brown?  Or perhaps that's a nickname Kunren
is using, rather than a real family name?

For purposes of this story, it's his family name. As I understand, he
was referred to by it in the (untranslated) memorial book. More than
likely it was intended as a description, but like "Megane" in UY, it
makes as good a name as anything else.

"You borrowed money from the Yakuza?!"

Not so bright, is he?

Nope. Or at least overconfident and extremely shortsighted.

"!noitats emaG ym toN" Ranma answered. "!t'nac uoy tuB"

Heh.  

Ranma:  Hey, it takes TALENT to read backwards like that!

YUKA: ?yllaeR

(Trying to do backwards typing during the time constraints of an hour
challenge is an experience too. :)

Ukyo's mood instantly brightened as she approached her restaurant. A
line of customers stood outside her door, extending for over a block.
Wow. She'd had no idea Konatsu's cooking was that good.

I'd have thought she'd be alarmed at the sight of the line...

Why do you think so?

"Oh, really?" Ukyo glared at him forcefully. If he didn't consider the
job she was supposedly paying him for a big deal, there wasn't much
point in continuing the arrangement. Maybe she would just give the
police a quick call and let them take care of things.

"Yeah," he said, unperturbed. "There's plenty more to try."

"What did you have in mind?" she asked cautiously.

That was a quick turnaround.

True. I'll think about adjusting this.

*Just show him the door,* some voice within her was screaming, but she
couldn't bring herself to do it. The kind of stupidly carefree
self-confidence that he had somehow made it nearly impossible not to
believe in him.

Something like Ranma himself?

Yes, except for Tenshi it actually works on someone other than himself.
:-)

of the film. The lights came on. "I hope zis vill impress you mit
ze zeriousness of zis matter," the doctor said. "Zese patients 
you saw vere all sufferink from a rare, incurable mental illness
named... er, illness zat ve haffen't come up mit a name for yet.
Most of ze time, zey may appear to be perfectly normal. Zen,

... how convenient indeed...

Ah, so *that's* what Dave was talking about. Purely unintentional,
believe it or not. (I'll also say for the record here that while what
Tenshi does in this *is* based on a certain genre of fanfic of which
Zen's work is a textbook example, Tenshi is NOT Zen, and is not based on
Zen.)

She threw her arms open. "Ran-chan, I'm *shocked* to find out that
there's *hitting* going on here!"

:) Not going to make it "...shocked, *shocked*, to find out..."

Hey, I'm trying to make a movie reference here. :P

Well, no, I don't think it was your best comedy work.
It did have a few chuckles.  Not sure I'd really advise
that _this_ fic is where you spend any more time, really;
I like "Hearts and Minds" a lot better.  But, if you are
so inclined, I think this could be improved by broadening
things out a bit, going for a few non-Ukyou-related jokes.

I agree with you, and am not planning on spending much more time on this
one. Most likely I'll do a final revision for RAAC once all the C&C is
in, and that'll be that.

Anyway, looking forward to more of H&M.

Thanks! I'll try to get my butt in gear on it. :)  As always, I
appreciate the detailed and thoughtful commentary on this one.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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