Colleen Morgan wrote:

Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org> writes:

"Welcome to Ucchan's. I'll be with you in a minute, sugar."

Gary v. Ukyo round 3! ;)

Yes, poor Ukyo... so many people picking on her. :p

He ran his eyes furtively across the restaurant, making mental notes of
the possibilities. A dead mouse in the kitchen. An anonymous call to the
health inspector. It would be easy. The place would be shut down within
days, and the owners would never have any clue who was responsible.

Jusenkyo guide: No, customer, not spring of mouse!
Tsubasa: Ooops!
Azusa: Oooh! Pierre! Come to me, Pierre!

TSUBASA: I'm not dead!

AZUSA: What?

TENCHI: Never mind. Here's your ninepence!

The kid stared down at his coat for a minute, then looked up at her.
"Flowers?"

This was a little confusing. The first read-through I thought that he
had the flowers and was asking her about them.

It's supposed to be a little ambiguous, so Ukyo can think at first that
he's offering her the flowers. I'll see if I can reword. Maybe "How
about flowers?"

"Ran-chan attracts suitors like a flower attracts bees," she said,

"That's why I call him Ranma-honey!"

TENSHI: So he's a drip? Is that what you're saying?

UKYO: None of your bees' wax!

"All right, then," she said, obvious unease coloring her voice. *Little
miss high-and-mighty,* he thought with a chuckle, *embarrassed to have

You capitalized your last "Little Miss Something-or-Another," I'd keep
it consistent.

OK, will fix.
 

Vice Principal Tsumaranai of Furinkan paged through the expense reports
on his desk, resisting the urge to tear out what was left of his hair.

Muahahaha! Mr. Boring. ^_^

PRINCIPAL: Ey, a comedy team gotta have da straight man, yeah?

"There is one stipulation, though," Mr. Tenshi cautioned. "Due to...
insurance regulations... we must require the lead part in the play to be
performed by...." He pulled out a sheet of paper and began reading as if
quoting directly from it. "'... a martial artist whose initials are
R.S.'"

Ryoga: Good thing Akane knitted me this scarf. I'm not sure why it's 'R.S.' though. Maybe it means 'Ryoga Stud!'

RANMA: Well, "stupid" starts with an "S," doesn't it?

RYOGA: Shall I show you a new way to wear this?

In other words, I was sorta expecting misdirection to come of this,
but it turned out to be a false lead. ;)

I didn't really come up with anything that worked for it. Maybe
something else will occur when I do the final revision for RAAC.

Yuka Nikai

I'm only getting part of the word play in this one, I fear.

Since our heroes' friends don't have canon family names (actually, even
their given names aren't really canon, but they're so well-established
that not using them would cause endless confusion), I've made up a set
of somewhat in-jokey ones to use. Yuka's is "Nikai" for "second floor,"
a reference to a Suzanne Vega song that was a hit a while back. o/~ My
name is Yuka.... o/~

(snipped the cab scene)

I'd probably cut the cab scene a bit short. It was okay, but sorta
extraneous to the story.

Will consider. I do need to give Ukyo a good reason for being late to
the play, but maybe it can be condensed.

"Oh, how miserable a life I lead," Ranma recited, with all the passion
and energy of a patient reading the chart at the eye doctor's office.
"If only someone could show me a better way." A chorus of sympathetic
sighs issued from the audience.

ASPIRING FANFIC AUTHOR: I can do it, Ranma! The one you love is...

AUTHOR 2: Fiancee X, of course!

AUTHOR 1: Are you crazy? Fiancee Y is the only choice!

AUTHOR 2: Oh yeah?

AUTHOR 1: Says you!

AUTHOR 2: Well, you're stupid!

RANMA: We're not acting too loud for you guys, are we?

"But if I must lead such a terrible existence," Ranma continued, "at
least I have my GAME STATION! Game Station offers the finest graphics,
the most innovative and challenging games, and all at a reasonable
price. Order GAME STATION for the game lover in your family TODAY!"

This was a great scene. ^_^

Thanks. ^_^

For a moment, everything was silent. Then a predatory smile crept onto
Akane's lips. "What am I going to do about it?" she repeated, taking a
single step toward him. "Here's what."

Ranma grinned. He was going to get what he asked for.

And you didn't even put in a lemon tag!

RANMA: I asked for a lemon, even had them put it in my contract, and
they just gave me some car. It don't even work right half the time,
either. Go figure.

"Right away." Tenshi shook the man's hand. "You've made a wise decision,
Mr. Kuno. With me working for you, that pig-tailed girl will be
*begging* to date with you in *no* time."

He's no messenger from the sky. :)

RANMA: Sheesh. Don't talk to me about messengers from above. Sometimes I
feel like I'm constantly being crapped on by some cosmic power. But I
just can't figure the whole thing out.

KUNO: Yes, as 'tis often said, the gods move in mysterious ways.

What a fun story! Everyone's in character, and is has a great original
flavor about it.

Thanks Gary!

Thank *you* for the feedback, and the compliments. :)

Now how about giving us more "Olvido" or "Lightning?" :)


Gary

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