Thermopyle wrote:

This is your story, not mine, so I can't tell you what to do, I can only
make suggestions.  So even if I'm right (and I always am!), if you don't
agree, you can just ignore whatever it is that I said.  I promise not to
hate you for it, either!

    Wai!

*sharpens his knives discreetly*

    Eeeeee!

Keitaro fell silent, scratching his head in confusion, as Naru
stalked towards Naru, and drew her aside to speak with her in terse,

...what?  Who stalked towards whom?

    Ooops. Typo!

"That's not the Mitsune I know," Keitaro assessed.

He's a bit too assertive here, imo... actually, all throughout the meeting
with the parents, as well.  He needs to bumble a little bit, I think.
Remember that he's going with a friend to try to talk the parents he's never
met before into giving her money.  I'd be pretty nervous.  He really
shouldn't feel like he belongs there at all, and that should make him feel
very out of place, I would expect.  It takes quite a bit of self-confidence
to go up to somebody's parents and try to tell them you know better than
they do what is right for their daughter.  Were you nervous the first time
you met the parents of your first girlfriend?  Or was it just, 'ho-hum, I
hope this doesn't take too long....'  I think this situation is very similar
to that.  If this was AFTER the Archeological trip, then it'd work better
since Keitaro seems more assertive and confidant after getting back, but
it's not, so it doesn't seem to fit quite right.

    It's based on the part of the manga where Keitaro's distracted, and 
manages to get everything right. I think he's got a lot of potential, he 
just has trouble living up to it. So when it's really important, he can 
meet the challenge usually, but it's it's something that's not as 
important, he doesn't do so good.

"I don't want to be like that!" Mitsune opened her eyes, clenching
her fists at her sides. "I learned that if I keep thinking of just
myself and acted stupid, eventually something's going to go wrong! Maybe
I'll get drunk and do something I'll regret -- hell, maybe I already
have! Maybe I'll end up hurting someone I really... really... don't want
to hurt," her energy left her with those words, and she slumped, staring
at her feet. "I don't.... There's someone I want to do everything right
for, and I don't want to screw it up. The best way to not screw up is
not to be the person I was."

And then...

   "Absolutely," he said with complete conviction. "And whatever guy it
is that you like, he probably thinks the same thing. So, who is it,

anyway?"

She never says it's a guy.  It could be Naru or somebody else just as
easily, especially since Naru had just mentioned a promise earlier while
Keitaro was present.  He could take Mitsune's words here to be linked to the
promise she had made to Naru, since he doesn't know what the promise was
about.  Breaking a promise would be hurting somebody, and Mitsune is
supposed to be Naru's best friend, so it would make more sense for Keitaro
to believe that is who Mitsune is referring to, rather than some guy who
Mitsune never gave any indication that even existed.

    Why on earth would Keitaro assume that Mitsune was in love with 
another girl?

Plus, iirc, (although this might have been anime-only, I don't specifically
remember it in the manga) Mitsune has a crush on Seta and has for years, but
didn't say anything because of Naru.  If I DO remember this right, then
Mitsune has a lot of practice at acting normally around somebody she knows
she has a crush on, and from the last chapter I didn't get the sense that
she really cares that way about Keitaro at this point and that she is only
acting this way because she's trapped herself into it.  Having Mitsune act
as she is feels too sudden, imo.  I would expect a lot of guilt on her part,
not too much at first but growing as her deception gets further and further
along, as her feelings for him develop and she feels more and more like
she's betraying Naru.  Calling him sempai and grabbing his hand all the
time, and being worried about dissapointing him, just seems like something
that shouldn't come up for a while.  If ever, for the sempai part, which
just feels vaguely wrong for some reason.  Too big a change in behavior for
me to really find credible, I guess.  It's a good way of showing her changed
perception and attitude towards Keitaro, but it doesn't really feel
appropriate.

    I don't remember the Seta thing in the manga, so I think that's 
anime. And besides, the idea is that Naru thought the guys that left her 
for Mitsune were immature, and that's why she went after Seta -- he's 
more mature than the boys that dumped her for Mitsune.

The two fell into a companionable silence after that, Mitsune
leading the way to the train station, and losing herself in her
thoughts. Keitaro was right; trying to act differently was silly, but he
suggested that she was acting differently because she was in love with
him, and that couldn't be... right.... Or could it? If it was, that
meant a substantial number of problems, the least of which would be the
potentially burnt bridge with Naru. "Oh, crap," she mumbled quietly.
Falling in love with Keitaro was the _last_ thing she needed.

Again, this feels very sudden.  I don't think Mitsune would realize she's in
love with Keitaro simply because he decided to ditch his trip to America to
help her get into college.  She hasn't even had time to properly appreciate
that at this point, much of her thinking is probably being focused on
getting out of the mess she's locked herself into.  There is just no reason
for this to happen so quickly.

    But it's canon. In the manga, she doesn't realize it until Kanako 
does the whole test thing, but if she had feelings for him still after 
all that time he was gone, I don't think it's a stretch at all. 
Actually, according to that, all of the girls are in love with him. I 
think her feelings for him would be strengthened by the recent events. I 
mean, she slept with him, and he's going way out of his way to help her 
because of it. I don't know. It makes sense to me?

"Would... would you like me to explain what happened between me an
Naru earlier today?"

'me and Naru'.  Although this should really be 'Naru and I'. :)

    Whoops!

"Oh, sure," Mitsune mumbled. "That'll work."

   "What was that, Mitsune?" Keitaro asked absently.

   "Ah, um, sure! That'll work!"

Cute. :)

    =^_^=

'as thought it were about to fall as' sounds a bit off, to me.  You might
want to reword that because of the slight repetition.

    Okay.

"I thought so to," Naru grumbled, falling silent.

'so, too,".

    :p

    I mess up a lot.

"Lovely," Keitaro grumped. "I really hope you have something to
counter this problem, Suu-chan."

I've no doubt that this 'repair and upgrade center' happens to have
self-defense abilities, like all types of missles and guns and remote tanks
to send at Keitaro.  ^_^;

    Kinda like the garage in A Wind Called Amnesia.

The terminal quickly networked with the orbiting satellite defense
system, tracking the robot's quarry, and plotting the next encounter out.

Heh.  It failed to dress him adequately before, so now it's determined to do
the job right?

    Yep. Good thing it's out of hot glue!

If you didn't get it, the robot is kinda based off of the robot from
a Wind Called Amnesia. =^_^=

Haven't seen that one.

    It's neat. I liked it.

This chapter was pretty good, just a few actual errors that I noticed.  I do
have to say that things seem to be moving along faster than I really think
is believable with Mitsune's thoughts and actions, so I hope you try to slow
it down a bit and take your time.  Nothing ruins romance more than, 'and she
suddenly realized, with no prompting except that the sun was out and the
weather was nice, that she loved him and would forever,' ya know?  Granted,
she has more reason than that, but she should be worrying more about
Keitaro's motives at this point, as well as the effect Keitaro's supporting
her is going to have on his relationship with Naru even though nothing
really IS going on between Keitaro and Mitsune yet.  I would expect that to
come into play before she even realizes that she's starting to fall for him,
then get a lot worse when she does, perhaps even to the point where she
confesses the whole thing to try to get out of ruining Keitaro and Naru's
being a semi-couple.

    Well, yes, but realizing that she's in love with him isn't a 
resolution at all. It's more of a conflict, if anything else. Aside from 
which, knowing how she feels, and acting on it, are two different things 
entirely.

Other than the thing with Mitsune, everybody seems to be acting as I would
expect them to.  Naru seems right, as does Haruka.  Suu felt slightly off,
but I can't really identify why, and it might just be my imagination or
something.  Mutsumi is as ditzy and cheerful as ever.

    I don't know. I think Suu was too calm.

Motoko is a bit more iffy.  I dunno if Mitsune starting to have feelings for
Keitaro would really affect this whole change thing that she sensed, because
I don't recall that same issue being present in the manga when Keitaro and
Kanako entered the abandoned part of the inn and where thereafter destined
to be together or something.  Motoko should have sensed that far more easily
than a simple shift of emotions on Mitsune's part, so unless there's
something else going on, you might want to consider giving this angle a bit
more thought.

    Who said that it was the Mitsune/Keitaro situation that got Motoko's 
attention? She saw it and thought nothing of it, really. So I guess 
you're right. It's something else.

    Or... is it? ;)

Anyway... when is the next chapter going to be ready?  :)

    Ooooh.... I don't know. I don't get to use the computer as much as I 
would like.... :p




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