Hmmm...   C&C  YAY!

----- Original Message -----
From: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>
To: "noirchloe" <noirchloe@nyc.rr.com>
Cc: "FFML mailing list" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Saturday, March 02, 2002 4:50 AM
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma/Multiple Crossover] Enemies of the Crystal State,
chapter 2(part 1/2)

A Ranma/Trigun/Sailor Moon/Scryed
Fanfic

By Kpjam

    So. We meet again. But this time.... I reveal that I'm not left
handed. Ha-HA!

^_^ Ah.  I admit.  You are very good.  *smiles* But I know something you
don't know.
 I am also not left handed.  Ha!

Comments and Criticisms are welcome and much appreciated.
noirchloe@nyc.rr.com

    Righty-o, let's see if I can offer you anything helpful. :)

    Feel free to ignore anything I say that's not useful to you.

Most comments are helpful and therefore useful.  Doesn't mean I'll actually
change anything though.^^

I'll snip points I have nothing to add to.

The three travelers walked along the long abandoned mountainside road;

which

was in severe disrepair, composed of cracks and crevices with small

patches

of uneven-road in-between.  Their path was bounded on the right by a
guardrail, heavily twisted and missing several long sections, overlooking

a

deep valley.

    Not sure you want that semi-colon there; it might go better placed
between 'disrepair' and 'composed' (not sure about that).

Someone else suggested a colon in the same place.  My poor colon, comma, and
semi-colon skills are shining brightly.  Although my natural inclination is
to agree with your suggested placement, I wonder if someone else might pipe
up?

Ranma was busy trying to drown them out, holding in his verbal assault as

he

scanned the area for a suitable place to camp.

    Drown them out with what? Maybe just tune them out?

Heh.  Drowning might actually come to mind^_^.   But yes, tune makes things
clearer.

Minako contemplated something, looking at her friends. "Doesn't he have a
cute butt?"  She finally asked vacuously, hoping to draw her friend out

of

her sour mood.

    Friends? Who else is there? I thought it was just Minako and Rei.

KP:  Eeek!  Singular friend.

Rei finally finished eating, or rather finished stuffing her nourishment
down her throat.  There were a few instances throughout the meal that she
had felt like weeping.  The contrast between this and the offering she

had

received from Makoto a few days ago was almost too much to bear.

    Chances are that Makoto couldn't make something worthwhile out of
the meal either.

Details.  Details.  ^^

She also bristled under the fact that Minako was right, they shouldn't
antagonize Ranma.  After all, he was helping them out.  Although she
suspected that Minako had other reasons for being nice to the young man,

she

had no proof and therefore was forced to endure Minako's excessive

cuteness.

    I think "He's got a nice butt" warants more than just a little
suspicion.

^^  Good point.  Changed to ---  "After all, he was helping them out.  She
knew that Minako had other reasons for being nice to the young man, but that
was no excuse for them to drop their guards."

"I'm going to call in before he returns," she informed her friend, the
instant her bowl was mostly finished.

    'instant her bowl was mostly finished' sounds a bit awkward.

hmm...  you're right.  "instant she could no longer stomach her meal."
Sounds a little better.  I think.

"I am not!" she protested, ignoring the flame to her cheeks.  "How are

Ami

and Makoto?" she asked, trying to regain her composure.

    the flame (?) to her -- looks like something's missing here.

The flame of anger visible in her cheeks.  I really don't know how else it
would be said.

"Geez...  At least you didn't have to spend all day with arrogant
ambassadors."

    From where? I'd think from what you described, everyone who wasn't
dead would be flat-out awestruck by Tokyo's greenery.

On the first visit, a few would probably be, but as for their status they've
grown accustomed to their surroundings.

"Oh.  Is he cute?"

    Isn't she married?

Yup.  It was an innocent question, really^^

The screen Rei was looking into split, as Minako's appeared in half of

the

display.  "He's gorgeous!" she exclaimed.

    Minako's .... ? Seems like something is missing here.

Crap.  "Minako's *face* appeared"

"Minako!" Rei yelled at the screen.

    What about the 'hush-hush' part?

Heh, She forgot.  Besides, her rules, she can break them^^

"I think so... he must be... traveling alone like he his.  He must not

have

a wonderful wife to go home to," she said dreamily.

    he his -- he is

    Must not have a wonderful wife? She's casting herself in the role
already, eh?

Minako is a bit dreamy.

"Come on, Usagi.  Spill it."  Rei wasn't in the mood for Usagi's
playfulness.  She wanted to go to bed soon, get-up early, and get to a

town

where they could get a decent meal.

    get-up -- get up (I'm not sure, but I think 'get-up' is refering to
strange clothing)

heh.  Personal slange for waking up.  Which I changed the phrase to.

"What?!?!?"  Rei and Minako shouted into their communicators.

    Do you need all those exclamations and questionmarks? :p

*sigh* Okay, maybe 3 is better than 5, but that's my last offer.  =p

"Yeah.  One of the provincial rulers is searching for a bride.  And over

the

course of the discussions he mentioned how attractive he thought you guys
were.  Well one thing led to another and he wants to meet you all and see

if

any fo you are suitable to be his bride," she finished excitedly.

    any fo you -- any of you

    Harsh.

HEH.  The author isn't planning on being nice to any of his characters,
except maybe Kanami-chan and Hotaru.  He has a very soft spot for them.

Usagi appeared to rear up, taking on a regal pose, as if she was about to
impart some world shaking news.  "I've never met him," she said, slumping
her shoulders and smiling apologetically.

    Vu'jade.

Hope it was amusing.

"Ah, we were just talking," Minako replied quickly.  The lie sounded like

a

lie to Rei's ears because the lie was a lie after all so it was obviously
the lie that it was, and that's no lie.  Rei stopped and wondered
momentarily if all the time she had spent with Minako had finally warped

her

thinking process irrevocably.

    Aaaaaaugh.... I think my brain just threw a gear there.

    I'd like to say repetition of 'lie', but it looks like it's
intentional. Brain... hurting....

Heh.  Sorry.  It was thrown in to ellicit that effect by my wicked
pre-readers.  I won't say which one.

"Plane--" Rei announced.

    Previously you terminated the sentence abruptly with a single
hyphen, but here you used two. Consistancy.

Thanks.  ^^

Rei was stunned and impressed at the same time.  Minako had given a

credible

lie, hopefully Ranma would let it slide, if he didn't believe it

outright..

    Credible lie?! The girl threw a jumble of explanations out that'll
make the poor boy's head explode if he tries to understand it!

Heh.  It is credible.  If his head explodes he won't be able to question it,
which is the point.  A page from the great Ayame of "Fruits Basket."

other Lords would go a long way.  Although Setsuna seemed less than fully
supportive in her endorsement of the idea, merely deferring to Mamoru's
lead.

    Interesting.

^^  This part will be expanded upon in later chapters as the world and the
characters are further defined.  Or at least that's the intent.

The fact that the potential bride-groom was a serious looker, if the

picture

she had seen could be believed, didn't hurt matters even.  He was also a
self-made man, that spoke to his abilities, and he had such an

interesting

name, Knives.

    Hasn't Usagi seen Vash? Vash and Knives being, well, twins, might
make this difficult.

She got a glimpse of Vash, not a very good look, compared to a photo of
Knives.  Also, the connection between Knives and Vash isn't known to them.

The three travelers walked up to the town gates.  The less than

impressive

structure was made up of a few steel girders that had been stripped from
some building.  They were currently up, but appeared to lay crossways

across

the gap in the wall that surrounded the town.  The wall was a series of
posts, mostly logs, apparent dead falls, with an occasional steel girder
thrown in for variety.

The couple guards at the gate paid them a cursory glance, apparently
satisfied that the he and his companions looked harmless enough they were
let through with little trouble.

    You start this scene with 'the three travelers', but use 'he and his
companions' later. Might want to indicate Ranma somehow first -- I don't
quite know why, but that feels clumsy.

I think I understand.  The pronouns fail to follow directly.  Or at least
that the interpretation I get.

"Hotaru!"  He flinched from the twin yells behind him and watched as both
his traveling companions raced past him.  They all met in one giant hug,
Ranma took a moment to further observe the new girl, Hotaru.  He noticed

she

was dressed similarly to Minako and Rei, adorned in nice complimentary
clothing, in good condition, and kept her hair long.  She looked like she
had been living well, like the two other girls.  From these clues he

quickly

assumed she was also from Tokyo.

    The second sentence of prose seems to contain two completely
unrelated pieces of action. I have no idea what the technical term is.

Bad Grammar?

"Ranma, wait."  Minako called.  He stopped the footsteps he was about to
take, as he turned to regard the woman, who now appeared flushed.  He
wondered if she was ill.  "Maybe she needed him to find a doctor for

her?"

he surmised to himself, becoming increasingly alarmed from all the

possible

illnesses that she could have caught on their short trip.

    wait."  Minako -- wait," Minako (Since the dialoge leads into the
prose.)

    Also, you _probably_ want to start a new paragraph with the next
piece of dialogue, since it's Ranma's, not Minako's.

Good points. Will fix.

"Yes?"  He asked worried, and a little upset that he hadn't noticed

anything

wrong with her before.

    worried -- worriedly (I think)

I believe you are right.  Worried is the adjective, while worriedly is the
adverb which it is in this instance.

"Err... okay," he responded, realizing that Minako apparently wasn't ill,
annoyed at the delay and his misconception.  He wanted to be on his way

and

fast! Vash was not known to be in a single place for too long.

    way and fast -- way, and fast

    Ranma: So. You going to pay me for the food you ate?

    Rei: I would, if you had given us real food.

    Ranma: Fine, next time you can cook.

    Rei: Fine!

    Minako: Rei, you just agreed that there WOULD be a next time.

    Rei: ... oh, damn.

Heh.  He forgot^^

"Yeah?" he responded, hoping he had kept from growling, as he turned to

face

the girls.   Minako looked nervous, but a little happy.  Rei was looking

at

Minako, an annoyed expression on her face, while Hotaru looked

speculative.

Hotaru's look made him the most nervous, as she didn't hide the fact on

what

she was speculating about.

    growling, as -- growling as (I think)

    'the fact on what she was speculating about' -- sounds awkward.

Hmm.  how's this.  "as she didn't hide the object of her speculation."

Glancing at her, he noticed her smile in return, bright faced and...

hungry

looking.
"No. No better there," he told himself.  Surveying the angry look on

Rei's

face he thought maybe he'd help them, just to spite her.

    Formatting error?

    And this Hotaru is scary.

An adolescent woman checking out her friend's prospective target *is* scary.
^^

In town she had begun to notice a pattern, whenever the question was

about

something that didn't involve him directly, he was a wellspring of
information, and quite smug about his knowledge.  When the questions

hinted

at something personal, he would deflect it, or just ignore it.  She was
growing suspicious, and wishing that her friend would start thinking with
her head, and not her...

    pattern, whenever -- pattern: Whenever (I think)

Comma, Semi-comma, colon use.  My biggest downfall.  >__<  But I think you
are right.

"Wait a second, Minako."  He reached into a pocket, and retrieved a small
notebook.  The small book was flipped open and Ranma scanned through it,
apparently finding what he was looking for.

    Hm. Oe Kintaro's influence reaches farther than I had thought.

Heh.  Oe is a brilliant man!

Ranma stopped and turned to Minako.  "That's a decent price, a little too
expensive, but..."

    'too expensive' -- sounds too severe for him to still advocate its
purchase..

"overprice" works better, yes?

    Right.

    Will get to that next....

Thanks again.  ^_^

--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a kind

grant from the Larry F foundation:

http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'