This was an interesting fanfic.  The characterization was excellent,
the internal dialog impressive, and the fight scenes generally well
written with a nice touch of "bullet time" and a first person POV.

You've alt universed it from basically the beginning of the first
chapter, so I have no real complaints about the way the world is set
out to begin with.  However, the major problem is the lack of
dramatic tension.  It became obvious halfway through the first
chapter that Ryouga was going to be better than Ranma.

While it is very well written, Ryouga is simply too sympathetically
written.  It makes it hard to empathize with him especially when the
foil (Ranma) is written as he is.  For an example of an unsympathetic
really flat foil, as I think you want Ranma to be, you're probably
better off writing him like Mary Gentle does Ash's husband in her
Ash chronicles.

For a few concrete suggestions of what you can do to reduce Ryouga's
standing without detracting from his characterization.  First, remove
mentions of his academic standing, it does not, to my knowledge, show
up in the manga at all, and while I am not sure about the anime, it
doesn't really matter.  Simply mention that he has kept up in school,
and that should be sufficient.  He doesn't need to read large amounts
of technical English and German to be the protagonist of your story.
It also detracts some what from the dark feel of the story that
you've set up.

Second, you should drop some of the extraneous scenes and try and keep
your as close as possible to one of the sources.  I would suggest
dropping references to the "steroids" incident and dropping the
Kurumi/Natsume bit.  Dropping the "steroids" incident should help
you tighten up Ryouga's characterization, and the second one is simply
completely extraneous.  You can also drop principal Kuno with no loss
in characterization.

It is also possible that you should try to drop some of the extra
characterization that you put into Mousse, Ukyou, and Shampoo.
While your characterization, what of it there is, is good, the story
you are writing is ultimately between Ryouga and Ranma, with Nabiki
only peripherally involved.  And truly it is only really about
Ryouga.  The extra bits basically serve to pad out the story, and
while well written, they are probably not what you need.  Adding more
characterization for Nabiki, and actually showing more of the
developing Nabiki-Ryouga relationship is probably a better use of
words.

Also, you need to do something about your author's notes.  In the
first chapter you mention that Ryouga has the lead in skill and
stamina.  (Apparently he lost it briefly when Ranma learned the
Amaguriken, but had regained it by the end of the first chapter.)
And, apparently, given the title of this fic, Ryouga has the steeper
learning curve.  However, in the third or fourth chapter you mention
something to the effect of Ranma regaining his customary speed and
skill lead, which clashes with your author's notes.

Finally, why does Ranma win?  Ryouga has all the advantages except
for a slight deficency in speed.  You've written him as even more
obsessive and revenge driven than I believe either manga or the anime
shows.  As Ryouga mentioned, and demonstrated, he had more special
techniques, and used them better.  You've put a lot of detail into
the various styles that Ryouga used.  You've "rescued" the protagonist,
but at a cost in SOD (unless there are going to be more chapters of
this story).

As a final word, your writing is technically excellent with good
characterization.  The plotting and character development seems to
be a bit lacking in this story, but I look forward to reading your
next work.  I would suggest a bit more focus on the main character,
as that seems to be your strength.  Avoid a tendency to overpower the
main character, and you should do really well.

-- Anand



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