Thanks for the comments!

Except where noted, I'll take all your grammar/spelling comments

----- Original Message -----
From: "Douglas MacDougall" <dougmacd@attbi.com>
To: "Rakhal Stormwarden" <ffml@rakhal.com>
Cc: "Fanfic Mailing List" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, February 27, 2002 12:30 AM
Subject: [Ranma][C&C]Closer to you

C&C Below.  There might be parallels with Gary's comments.

Most of this is punctuation corrections.  I'm sure you were more

interested

in writing the story in the alloted time than getting every little period
and comma right.

on 2/25/02 6:29 AM, Rakhal Stormwarden at ffml@rakhal.com wrote:

[...]

Closer To You
A Ranma Spamfic by Rakhal Stormwarden

Ranma 1/2 and all the characters within was created by Rumiko Takahashi,

and

is

gram:  were created
gram:  are used

used without permission. No disrespect is intended by my use if these
characters

sp&punc:  of these characters.

----------------------------------------

Angela came across John sitting in the common room at college. He was
reading
one of those silly comic books again. "What do you see in those comics?"

suggest:  in those things?
(Avoid repeated use of "comic".)

"Just look at her" he said, pointing at a cute girl in the story he was
reading.

punc:  at her," he

"That's Akane, she's the fiancee of the lead character in this story. I

wish

there

punc:  Akane.  She's
(New sentence.)

was some way I could get close to her. That other girl is Ranma, the

lead

character.

gram:  were some way
(Then again, who uses the subjunctive these days?)

She's really a boy, but she's really cute as well. Would be fun to get

close

to her
as well!"

These sentences are a little choppy.  It'd probably be worth rewriting

them

a little more clearly, avoiding repeated phrases like "lead character" and
"get close to."  (Thesauruses are your friends!)

"You're weird, you know that, don't you?" Angela opined, rapidly losing
interest

punc:  weird.  You know
(New sentence.)

as she wandered off to the coffee machines.

John spent another 2 hours there, rapidly reading the three volumes he'd
brought

gram:  two hours

and then headed off back to his dorm, brain still going a mile a minute,
images of
Akane floating around in his head. And onna-Ranma as well, somewhat to

his

embarassment.

Back at his halls of residence, he went quickly to his room and tumbled

into

bed.

suggest:  residence hall
(Does he really have more than one hall?)

This is the only grammar comment I probably won't take. Halls of Residence
is correct in the UK (I guess it's something like student dormitories in the
states?)

Early lectures tomorrow morning, it wouldn't pay to be late...

punc:  morning.  It
(New sentence.)

----

John woke up suddenly. Something had changed, but he wasn't quite sure

what.

His
body refused to respond to him, in that customary lethargy experienced

when

one
starts awake. But then again there seemed to be something more to it. He
seemed

suggest:  starts to awaken
or:  wakes up

punc:  again, there

suggest:  felt different
(How would he "seem" different?)

different, and it was totally dark. Where was he? What had happened? He
couldn't
feel his arms, his legs or even his head, there just seemed to be a

general

awareness

punc:  legs, or even

[...]

Suddenly there was a light, as that roof was suddenly removed. Above him

was

the

suggest:  this roof
or:  the roof
(You haven't described any roofs yet, so which roof is "that" one?)

face of his dreams. Akane was looking down at him!. For a moment
he was struck dumb, then he tried to reach out to her, to say something.

But

only
a gentle burp came out. Reaching out worked better, but Akane only

frowned,

as she

[belching] Ah uv oo!

[...]

Finally John recognised what had happened to him! He'd been reincarnated

as

some

punc:  Finally,

sort of food monster! Desperately he lunged for freedom, but to no

avail.

punc:  Desperately,

Well, I can't say I'm too impressed with him turning into a "food

monster,"

but I can see why you did it for the purpose of the fic.  That having been
said, why would John automatically assume he *is* a food monster?

I don't recall that ever happening in the comics.  (Maybe it did in the
anime, but that's not what he was looking at.)  No, the food monster is
a fanfic invention.

Instead, why not have him be completely confused?  Wondering why he can
barely move, and why is Akane smacking him with a spoon?  For that matter,
why is he in a pot? etc.  He'd still be the food monster, just not be
described as one.

As Gary pointed out as well, I need to make this section quite a bit better.
I'll be
trying to re-work it. I know food monsters are silly, but the whole fic is
pretty
silly really :)

[...]

Things had changed again. Now he was
lying on a plate with a fork stuck in him. Pain radiated through his
gelatinous
body making it hard to think, but he could see not only Akane, but Ranma
too, in

suggest:  not only Akane, but also Ranma is his
(The "too" isn't really necessary.)

girl form. Both she and Akane were even more beautiful in real life than
they were
on the printed page, if only he could call out to them, let them know

that

he was

punc:  page.  If
(New sentence.)

there.

A cold horror slowly descended on him, as he finally realised what was
happening.
Ranma was tearing him apart, ripping chunks of his body off, and bearing

him

towards
her mouth on the fork. He struggled frantically, squirming on the fork,
winning himself

suggest:  reluctantly putting them into her mouth
("Bearing" food "towards one's mouth" on a fork sounds rilly weird.)

[...]

Akane's glare sealed Johns fate with an awful finality as Ranma's mouth
closed about

punc:  John's fate.
punc:  finality, as

him and the final darkness fell.

A take it John isn't into the being-swallowed-by-a-woman fetish, then?  ;)

All depends on the degree :)

He had finally got his wish. He could ask to be no closer to Ranma than
this...

fin<

And here I thought for sure he was going to find himself turned into Kuno.
Ah well, we can't all be that lucky.  ^_^

I thought this was a cute little story, even despite my distaste for
"Akane's food monsters."  (I've already suggested how that element could
be toned down a bit.)  It's even more impressive for an hour's work.

Keep up the good work Rak,

Thank you very much for your comments, and glad you liked it!

Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall                       "That food just wurfled at me!"
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Fanfiction * Drawings * Roleplaying

--Rakhal


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