Rob, nice to hear from you.  I KNOW you're busy.


----- Original Message -----
From: "Rob Barba" <rob@mitsukai.com>
To: "'KaraOhki'" <karaohki@SNET.Net>; <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Monday, February 25, 2002 4:46 AM
Subject: RE: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma]A Piggy Error

June, this was outstanding.  Wonderful work.  With that said, now it's
C&C time.


*Okay, this wasn't one of the most brilliant ideas
I ever had, was it?*

I've seen worse.  ^_^  Apparently the curse, in retrospective, isn't as
much of a blessing as she originally thought below.  Apparently the only
ones who really seem to enjoy their curses are Genma and Taro.

I think Shampoo likes hers a little!

If only I had
thought this through.

That sentence seems incomplete, even though it's clear what the gist is.
I'd recommend revising, though that's just a nitpick.

Then my heart sinks as I hear the train
whistle.  It's coming, and I need to get across
before it does, or he will catch me.  In
desperation I leap forward, straining to get across
the tracks.  I trip over the first rail and go
flying across the tracks, bruising myself terribly.
I scramble to my feet and turn.  If I have
succeeded, I'll run on.  If not, there is no way to
keep him from catching me.  It is better to face my
fate.

I really don't remember much on the layout of the JR (or other lines) in
Nerima, but the majority of the trains in the 23 wards are not on level
ground.  Anyone more familiar with the ward point out something here?
Nonetheless, a good description.

At this point Akari isn't in Nerima yet.  She lives out in the country.

The trip home seemed to take forever.  I had to
find Ryoga, and show him my "cursed" form.  Cursed?
As far as I was concerned, it was a blessing.

The trip took forever, and somehow she didn't have any of the same
misadventures the other cursed did?  Granted, she's not a martial
artist, but under the circumstances, many of the situations were nigh
universal.  For her to take that long and not have any problems is
unusual.  Had she some issues, the "blessing" would have changed REAL
quick.

As per an earlier reply of mine--this was deliberate on my part.  It was
necessary for Akari to have a trouble-free trip home in order to reinforce
her notion that she had been blessed.  If she had encountered troubles
earlier, she may have gone back for a cure.

The next thing I knew, I was a pig.  That
didn't really bother me.  It would be easy enough
for me to get to the bathtub and change back.

That depends.  Oftentimes, furo tend to be covered.  Unless the furo was
covered (if an older one) or had a simple mechanism to fill it, it would
have been somewhat difficult for a small cloven hooved animal to do so
under the best of circumstances.  I'm just pointing this out more for
people who tend to use furo in fics, rather than suggesting the change
here, since it's clear she's not going to make it that far.

Noted.  I've got no idea what she has at her house!

I don't think I will ever figure out how I leaped
out of the open window, but I did.

It's amazing what complete and total panic will do, won't it?  ^_^

Then, almost like a miracle, I can see him about a
block ahead of me.  I push my tired little legs to
their limits and run after him, kweeing loudly.  He
turns, and I leap into his arms.

She can do this and she wonders how she can clear the window? O_O

The poor girl isn't thinking straight, you know.

"Ryoga, what are you doing with my P-chan?"  The
voice of Akane Tendo makes me stiffen, and Ryoga
whirls around.  She is standing before us, hands on
her hips.  "Were you bringing him home to me?  I
haven't seen him in ages!"

As she speaks, Akane snatches me from Ryoga's arms
and hugs me.  I can't breathe.

Personally, I think the two paras above go better as one.  Just my
thought.

Okay

He doesn't listen.  He is completely focused on me,
and tries to get around Ryoga.  The next thing I
know, my sumo pig is out cold, thanks to Ryoga's
umbrella.  He leaves the pig lying there to tend to
Akane, who is dazed and crying.

I'm assuming she got bowled over by Akari's prospective porcine paramour
(^_^), but it may not be as clear for others (especially since I think
someone pointed this out in an earlier C&C).  I'd leave it be,
personally, but that's up to you.

Nope, she's merely upset.  If I had a pig that big jump at ME, I would be
too.

"Why did he do that?  Did he want to hurt this
little pig?"

Ryoga is bright red.  "I...um...think he had something
else in mind.  She IS female, right?"

Well, I'm sure something as large as Katsunishiki COULD hurt a pig the
size of Akari, especially if...um, nevermind.  ^_^;;;

Akane is just as red.  "Let's take her to my
house."

And with my above comment, Ryoga and Akane aren't the only ones turning
red.  ^_^;;;

You got the point I was trying to make, though others didn't.  I might
have to make it clearer, as Akane gets what Ryoga is trying to say and
realizes that the little pig could have been killed if she hadn't been
rescued.

The Tendo family welcomes us in, and Kasumi
snatches me from her sister.  "How cute!  It's a
girl!  P-chan would just LOVE her!"

Amazing how Kasumi notes this without any information.  It's gotta be
the bow.

YUP

The furo is full.

Again, the cover issue, especially in the case of the Tendo one, since
the house is supposed to be an older domicile.

I've never seen a cover, either in the manga or the anime, so I'm assuming
they leave it uncovered.

  I leap in, and am myself again.
Ryoga collapses with a nosebleed.  I take the
opportunity to grab his backpack and borrow some of
his clothing.  Then I tend to my boyfriend.

You'd think that since Ranma and Ryoga had calmed down somewhat at this
point, sooner or later the former would have told the latter about
Ranma's own misfortune with Shampoo in that situation.  Then again, we
are talking about Rumikverse reality....

Hearing about it and experiencing it are two different things.

I blush, and shake my head.  No one presses me for
an answer.

Yeah, as that would be too logical.

My boyfriend holds very tightly to my hand as we
leave the house.  We walk in silence for a few
blocks, and then he stops.  "What the hell is going
on?"  He doesn't sound angry.  He does sound very
confused, and more than a little upset.

Confused I can see.  Upset, not really.  But that's just me.

Think about it.   Ryoga's girlfriend was nearly raped.  That's pretty darn
upsetting!

Again, beautiful story, and quite a worthy addition to your body of
work.  Great job.  ^_^

And I thank you!

June




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