June, this was outstanding.  Wonderful work.  With that said, now it's
C&C time.


*Okay, this wasn't one of the most brilliant ideas
I ever had, was it?*

I've seen worse.  ^_^  Apparently the curse, in retrospective, isn't as
much of a blessing as she originally thought below.  Apparently the only
ones who really seem to enjoy their curses are Genma and Taro.

If only I had
thought this through.

That sentence seems incomplete, even though it's clear what the gist is.
I'd recommend revising, though that's just a nitpick.

Then my heart sinks as I hear the train
whistle.  It's coming, and I need to get across
before it does, or he will catch me.  In
desperation I leap forward, straining to get across
the tracks.  I trip over the first rail and go
flying across the tracks, bruising myself terribly.
I scramble to my feet and turn.  If I have
succeeded, I'll run on.  If not, there is no way to
keep him from catching me.  It is better to face my
fate.

I really don't remember much on the layout of the JR (or other lines) in
Nerima, but the majority of the trains in the 23 wards are not on level
ground.  Anyone more familiar with the ward point out something here?
Nonetheless, a good description.

The trip home seemed to take forever.  I had to
find Ryoga, and show him my "cursed" form.  Cursed?
As far as I was concerned, it was a blessing.

The trip took forever, and somehow she didn't have any of the same
misadventures the other cursed did?  Granted, she's not a martial
artist, but under the circumstances, many of the situations were nigh
universal.  For her to take that long and not have any problems is
unusual.  Had she some issues, the "blessing" would have changed REAL
quick.

The next thing I knew, I was a pig.  That
didn't really bother me.  It would be easy enough
for me to get to the bathtub and change back.

That depends.  Oftentimes, furo tend to be covered.  Unless the furo was
covered (if an older one) or had a simple mechanism to fill it, it would
have been somewhat difficult for a small cloven hooved animal to do so
under the best of circumstances.  I'm just pointing this out more for
people who tend to use furo in fics, rather than suggesting the change
here, since it's clear she's not going to make it that far.

I don't think I will ever figure out how I leaped
out of the open window, but I did.  

It's amazing what complete and total panic will do, won't it?  ^_^

Then, almost like a miracle, I can see him about a
block ahead of me.  I push my tired little legs to
their limits and run after him, kweeing loudly.  He
turns, and I leap into his arms.

She can do this and she wonders how she can clear the window? O_O

"Ryoga, what are you doing with my P-chan?"  The
voice of Akane Tendo makes me stiffen, and Ryoga
whirls around.  She is standing before us, hands on
her hips.  "Were you bringing him home to me?  I
haven't seen him in ages!"

As she speaks, Akane snatches me from Ryoga's arms
and hugs me.  I can't breathe.

Personally, I think the two paras above go better as one.  Just my
thought.

He doesn't listen.  He is completely focused on me,
and tries to get around Ryoga.  The next thing I
know, my sumo pig is out cold, thanks to Ryoga's
umbrella.  He leaves the pig lying there to tend to
Akane, who is dazed and crying.

I'm assuming she got bowled over by Akari's prospective porcine paramour
(^_^), but it may not be as clear for others (especially since I think
someone pointed this out in an earlier C&C).  I'd leave it be,
personally, but that's up to you.

"Why did he do that?  Did he want to hurt this
little pig?"

Ryoga is bright red.  "I...um...think he had something
else in mind.  She IS female, right?"

Well, I'm sure something as large as Katsunishiki COULD hurt a pig the
size of Akari, especially if...um, nevermind.  ^_^;;;

Akane is just as red.  "Let's take her to my
house."

And with my above comment, Ryoga and Akane aren't the only ones turning
red.  ^_^;;;

The Tendo family welcomes us in, and Kasumi
snatches me from her sister.  "How cute!  It's a
girl!  P-chan would just LOVE her!"

Amazing how Kasumi notes this without any information.  It's gotta be
the bow.

The furo is full.

Again, the cover issue, especially in the case of the Tendo one, since
the house is supposed to be an older domicile.

  I leap in, and am myself again.
Ryoga collapses with a nosebleed.  I take the
opportunity to grab his backpack and borrow some of
his clothing.  Then I tend to my boyfriend.

You'd think that since Ranma and Ryoga had calmed down somewhat at this
point, sooner or later the former would have told the latter about
Ranma's own misfortune with Shampoo in that situation.  Then again, we
are talking about Rumikverse reality....

I blush, and shake my head.  No one presses me for
an answer.

Yeah, as that would be too logical.

My boyfriend holds very tightly to my hand as we
leave the house.  We walk in silence for a few
blocks, and then he stops.  "What the hell is going
on?"  He doesn't sound angry.  He does sound very
confused, and more than a little upset.

Confused I can see.  Upset, not really.  But that's just me.

Again, beautiful story, and quite a worthy addition to your body of
work.  Great job.  ^_^

ja ne,
- Rob

rob@mitsukai.com
Mitsukai!- www.mitsukai.com
Tokyo Teleport - www.tokyoteleport.com

"If I see that bridge
That is spanned by flights of magpies
Across the arc of heaven
Made white with a deep-laid frost,
Then the night is almost past."
- Otomo no Yakamochi



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