Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma]Closer to you
From: "Rakhal Stormwarden" <ffml@rakhal.com>
Date: 2/25/2002, 2:00 PM
To: <gary@garykleppe.org>, <ffml@anifics.com>


Thanks for the comments!

----- Original Message -----
From: "Gary Kleppe" <gary.kleppe@morningstar.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Cc: "Rakhal Stormwarden" <ffml@rakhal.com>
Sent: Monday, February 25, 2002 2:36 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma]Closer to you



"Rakhal Stormwarden" <ffml@rakhal.com> wrote:

One hour challenges are evil. I get weird ideas and every now and again
I
give in
to temptation and actually write one. Here's the second such offering...

You have a line wrapping problem throughout your post; alternating long
and short lines. Usually, this happens because your email client is set
to wrap at a smaller line length than whatever text editor you used to
write the story.

I noticed that after it was posted but I thought that the fic was short
enough that it would be more annoying to spam the list with another copy.
I'll try to make sure it doesn't happen again


"Just look at her" he said, pointing at a cute girl in the story he was
reading.
"That's Akane, she's the fiancee of the lead character in this story. I
wish
there
was some way I could get close to her. That other girl is Ranma, the
lead
character.
She's really a boy, but she's really cute as well. Would be fun to get
close
to her
as well!"

This gave me a pretty good idea of the sort of thing that was going to
happen to ol' John. It's not a bad idea, but I think you could provide a
little more context for his wish so that it seems a more natural thing
for him to say.

There definitely needs to be a little more work here. I rushed it a bit


"You're weird, you know that, don't you?" Angela opined, rapidly losing

weird. You
(run-on)

OK.


John spent another 2 hours there, rapidly reading the three volumes he'd

Suggest: another two hours

OK


John woke up suddenly. Something had changed, but he wasn't quite sure
what.
His
body refused to respond to him, in that customary lethargy experienced
when

Suggest: in that customary state of lethargy

OK


Suddenly there was a light, as that roof was suddenly removed. Above him
was
the
face of his dreams. Akane was looking down at him!. For a moment

Take out either ! or .

Ak, I keep making that mistake :(


Finally John recognised what had happened to him! He'd been reincarnated
as
some
sort of food monster!

A little more description from his POV would help here. That he's made
of food is a judgement on his part. If we knew what he saw, felt, etc.
that led him to this conclusion, enough that we could picture it for
ourselves, it would be more convincing.

Have to think what to do here. Smells e.t.c...


Desperately he lunged for freedom, but to no avail.
His
goddess was well prepared from that, grabbing a food tenderising mallet
and

food-tenderising
(a compound phrase used as an adjective gets hyphenated; this would not
be the case if "food" were an adverb modifying "tenderising")

OK


A while later, awareness slowly filtered back, just in time to hear
Akane's
voice
saying "Carrot Surprise! Eat up."

Ahhh, so "John" is really.... No wonder his wish was to do a
self-insert.

RANMA: I don't see any carrots in it. What's the surprise?

AKANE: You just answered your own question.

Heh


Things had changed again. Now he was
lying on a plate with a fork stuck in him. Pain radiated through his
gelatinous
body making it hard to think, but he could see not only Akane, but Ranma

body, making
(the pain is what's making it hard, not the body)

OK


too, in
girl form. Both she and Akane were even more beautiful in real life than
they were
on the printed page, if only he could call out to them, let them know
that
he was
there.

Again, some sensory description would be more convincing than just
asking us to accept his word for this judgement. (If it were me, the
first thing I'd wonder was whether they really had the enormous
eyeballs. But you may want to steer away from that one for
plausibility's sake. ^_^;;)

The expandable mouths too... I'll see what I can add


He had finally got his wish. He could ask to be no closer to Ranma than
this...

had finally gotten his

RANMA: So does this mean John's gotten his just desserts?

AKANE: No, I've cooked Angela for dessert.

Together in Ranma's gut. How romantic :)


Nice spamfic. I think the opening bit needs some work. This kind of
"wish gone wrong" story depends on your convincing the reader that (1)
the character would believably have made the wish, and (2) the wish
could be believably interpreted as the fate that actually befalls the
character. I think to achieve (1) in your case, you'll have to do some
rewriting of the opening dialog, but once you do that, it'll be quite
good.


Gary

Thank you very much for your comments. I shall see what I can do to make the
opening work better.

--Rakhal


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