Saw this short piece and was inspired to do some C&C.

I'm glad you did.

Technically, you need to work on how to use commas.

That and other things, but definitely commas.>_<

As for the story itself, IMO it's just too long for
what it covers.

I dissagree, but that's expected.  I wrote this as a pure feeling piece, and
maybe I overdid it, but I still like it.^_^

As a note, I won't respond to things I agree with, saves space.

I smile as the thought of seeing him floats around my brain,
assaulting me with pictures of his smiling face and the
feelings of happiness his company brings.  Removing the

I like that "feelings of happiness his company brings."
While Ukyou post-intro often seems happy (more so than many
other characters in the series), I can see Ukyou thinking
this.

Thank you.

He must be dying to see me, because I know I can't wait
to see him.

My own take on the character is that Ukyou knows better
than this.  However, this is an effective way to give us
your take on Ukyou.

The take on Ukyou I'm using for the piece.  I over dramatized what I thik
she feels for effect.

A few quick feather-light steps find me at my door, removing
my robe from its hook.  I stand for a minute, grasping my
robe at its nape and snuggling it to my chin while I
imagined wistfully that there was a second hooks and
matching robe hanging there.

It is certainly IC for Ukyou to daydream about how her life
would be like with Ranma.  Normally, Ukyou would go well
past "a second hook and robe".  (BTW, "hook" should be
singular in your text, not plural.)

One thing you could do here is amplify this daydream.
Given that you're narrating in first person here, that
would be an interesting experiment, giving us perhaps
several of Ukyou's daydreams about Ranma as if they're
actually happening, then abruptly cutting back to reality.

heh.  As you said, this piece is long for what it covers, I decided that was
enough of a digression of thought.  but that is a good idea, I'll have to
take a look at that.

Opening the bedroom door, I walk down the hall, noticing that
Konatsu's door is partially open, signifying that my most
recent friend and employee is up and about.

My own take on Ukyou is that she wouldn't yet be thinking
of Konatsu as a friend by the time your story is set, just
as an employee.

Possibly.  I'm extrapolating information from Ukyou's friendliness and the
time Ranma and company are in China.  They aren't shown much in the last two
volumes, if at all.

The bathroom is empty and I hesitate while I consider the
western-style bath and shower.  Which should I choose?
Neither was as nice as a furo, but I do have to hurry.

Given what the manga shows us, the most probable conclusion
is that Ukyou's residence doesn't have a bath, and quite
possibly not a shower.  (She is shown going to a public bath
in the Konatsu intro story.)

On its own, that's a nit; but it points to where your story
is starting, IMO, to go astray.  Why show us the shower
at all?  Do we need to know every detail of Ukyou's
morning here?  At this length?

Done to over dramatize the effect of the letter.  Showing a build up of
happiness before her fall.   The shower can be argued either way in my
opinion.  The only thing conclusive is she doesn't have a furo.  But the
point about length is understood.

After quickly disrobing, I'm underneath the stream of hot
water, feeling the jets pound softly on flesh and muscles
that are cramped from sleep and taut from excitement.
I can feel the relief as the muscles soften under the
onslaught, idly noting the huge difference from the worry
that had plagued me the previous mornings, increasing in
intensity each day of his absence.

This passage isn't bad; it tells us something of Ukyou's
state during the Jusendo adventure.  But it also represents
a huge opportunity to get your readers deeper into your
story.  If you work on this passage, specifically, the
notion that her muscles have been cramped with worry, and
make the feeling very immediate and real to us, you will
make your story much more effective.

Thanks again.  ^_^  I'll look at this.  Give myself a few days to seperate
myself from it first.

He even considers me his fiancee when I know that his father
is forcing Akane down his throat.

Again, this isn't how I see Ukyou (but it is effective in
showing us how you see her).  Ukyou's plan at the Cave of
Lost Love _depended_ on Ranma and Akane already being, to
some extent, a couple.

True to a point, but the way it ended with them arguing could concievable be
taken as proof they aren't a couple, IIRC.  As I said, the piece was explore
a very biased opinion of the events of the that morning.  I _DID_ stretch my
perceptions of Ukyou silghtly to try and make it more effective.

Waiting only a moment longer than necessary, I turned off and
exited the shower.  A huge soft towel awaits me, as I quickly
wrapped it around my body, protecting it from the cooling air
of the room.  It felt wonderful to be wrapped as I am.  I just
stand here, holding myself in the towel, enjoying the feeling
of warmth and protection it offered.

This is rather nice imagery.  And I think that going back
and forth between concrete imagery and Ukyou's airy thoughts
works well.  And your attempt to link the feeling Ukyou gets
from the towel to the feeling she gets from Ranma is
interesting.

But I find I'm not into this scene very much (and I'm
struggling to figure out why).  It might be that you're
simultaneously trying to get us to feel Ukyou's urgency at
seeing Ranma, and a sense of peace the shower provides,
and they conflict.  Or maybe I just can't see Ukyou feeling
this way, given her independence.

Thanks for the compliment and the thought about the scene.  I'll try and
look at it more later, maybe separate the two conflicting feelings.

I almost bound down the stairs, losing my balance on the
third step as I overstep it, only to land safely, if
unsteadily on the one below it.  After the momentary fright
was over, I giggle to myself, laughing at the thought
of getting hurt today of all days.

We know Ukyou dashes over rooftops, etc, when she wants to.
Given which, the idea that she was in any danger here is
ludicrous.  Is this the unreliable narrator strategy?  That
doesn't seem to go anywhere.  Is this just another Ukyou
daydream?  That wouldn't be a bad idea, but it's cut short.
Suggest cutting the word "unsteadily" and the "momentary
fright", but then going on for a paragraph or two of Ranma
being way OOC in solicitously caring for Ukyou's sprained
ankle.  You can convey the difference between 'reality'
and daydream by using hyperbole:  "The light gleamed off
Ranma's smile as he looked down at me with concern."

Heh, I like that idea.

"Good morning, Konatsu!"  I call merrily to the boy, who was busily
preparing to open the restaurant.  I start straight for the door,
indifferent to how impolite it would be to him.

Why would that be impolite?  He's her employee.

True, but I try to be polite to the people who work under me.

I turn the small envelope over in my hand, trailing a finger
across the seal, feeling for an imperfection in it that is
keeping me from my letter.  My curiosity is wreaking havoc
on my coordination as I fail repeatedly to open the flap.
My pulse is way out of control as blood races through my
veins, unable to allow the fine muscle coordination that
would allow me to open this damn envelope.  Frustration
final overloads me, destroying my patience as I rip the
small envelope, bringing forth the letter.  Finally!

My reaction to this _should_ probably be to bring me closer
to your character, but I find instead that it is distancing
me.  Why?  It just seems more IC for the Ukyou I think I
know, as well as the Ukyou you've shown us as driven by
haste, to just rip the envelope open from the get-go.

I was going for a little humor, with the martial artist being to excited to
open a letter.  It failed in your eyes, I guess>_<

now, as I'm overwhelmed with sadness and loss.  Loss.  I gasp
again, trying to start my lungs again.  The short expulsion
of breath and intake of more oxygen was almost more harmful
than good, as my throat started burning and I choke on the
sensation.

Effective description of intense grief, I thought.

Thank you again.

At any rate, thank you for writing and sharing your view of
Takahashi's creation.  Please take my comments as my opinion
only, and as applying solely to the story as written.

All I can say is thank you.  I defintely understand your opinion and share
in some of them.  I was going to go through and answer the points you made
at the end directly, but decided against it because I don't want to turn
this into a character debate and I still need to mull over and see if
changes can be effectively made that will improve the piece.  I also think
ultimately I didn't want to write, "I'll think about it." for the last ten
points is kinda lame.  It was a test of ideas and imagery I had concerning
that point, and more writing practice for me.

While I completely believe that this scene _could_ have taken place in the
manga, it is an over dramatization of that possibility.  Your points about
the characters are good.  I will say one thing.  The moment Ukyou got the
invitation, if I were her, I wouldn't be cognizant enough to think about the
who, where, why.  My opinion based on personal experience.  I can see her
then recovering and accepting that decision in front of Konatsu(the scene in
the manga), then anger overriding her and taking off to destroy the wedding.
Just my interpretation of events if I had to extrapolate them and maqke them
somewhat arational from what I do know about the characters.

A friend asked if I blamed Ranma and/or Akane?  No.  But I do believe that
niceness and accidents can cause pain, even if the intent wasn't there.
Life.  Which is ultimately what I was trying to show in my amatuerish way.

Thanks again for the wonderful comments.  Wether I agree with them all or
not for this piece, they do give me plenty of things to think about in other
projects.

Ken

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