Saw this short piece and was inspired to do some C&C.

Technically, you need to work on how to use commas.

As for the story itself, IMO it's just too long for
what it covers.

"Ranchan is back!"  That's my first thought upon waking. 
I had heard the news yesterday while working in the
restaurant, his return was as unexpected as his leaving.

Example:  the comma in the line above can't be a comma; it
must be either a semi-colon or, preferably, a period starting
a new sentence.

I smile as the thought of seeing him floats around my brain, 
assaulting me with pictures of his smiling face and the
feelings of happiness his company brings.  Removing the

I like that "feelings of happiness his company brings."
While Ukyou post-intro often seems happy (more so than many
other characters in the series), I can see Ukyou thinking
this.

covers I leave my bed quickly, there is little time to
spare.

Another comma which should be a semi-colon.  The test you
use to decide between a comma and a semi-colon is whether
the two connected phrases can stand alone as grammatically-
correct sentences.  In this case they can.

The weeks of absence must be ended as quickly as 
possible, my best friend awaits me.

and another instance.  (I'm going to stop pointing these
out now; the are many more, but I've made my point.)

He must be dying to see me, because I know I can't wait
to see him.

My own take on the character is that Ukyou knows better
than this.  However, this is an effective way to give us
your take on Ukyou.

A few quick feather-light steps find me at my door, removing 
my robe from its hook.  I stand for a minute, grasping my
robe at its nape and snuggling it to my chin while I
imagined wistfully that there was a second hooks and
matching robe hanging there.

It is certainly IC for Ukyou to daydream about how her life
would be like with Ranma.  Normally, Ukyou would go well
past "a second hook and robe".  (BTW, "hook" should be
singular in your text, not plural.)

One thing you could do here is amplify this daydream.
Given that you're narrating in first person here, that
would be an interesting experiment, giving us perhaps
several of Ukyou's daydreams about Ranma as if they're
actually happening, then abruptly cutting back to reality.

Opening the bedroom door, I walk down the hall, noticing that 
Konatsu's door is partially open, signifying that my most
recent friend and employee is up and about.

My own take on Ukyou is that she wouldn't yet be thinking
of Konatsu as a friend by the time your story is set, just
as an employee.

The bathroom is empty and I hesitate while I consider the 
western-style bath and shower.  Which should I choose?
Neither was as nice as a furo, but I do have to hurry.

Given what the manga shows us, the most probable conclusion
is that Ukyou's residence doesn't have a bath, and quite
possibly not a shower.  (She is shown going to a public bath
in the Konatsu intro story.)

On its own, that's a nit; but it points to where your story
is starting, IMO, to go astray.  Why show us the shower
at all?  Do we need to know every detail of Ukyou's
morning here?  At this length?

When they desired to be with someone, and only that
somebody, so strongly.

Sentence fragment.

After quickly disrobing, I'm underneath the stream of hot 
water, feeling the jets pound softly on flesh and muscles
that are cramped from sleep and taut from excitement.
I can feel the relief as the muscles soften under the
onslaught, idly noting the huge difference from the worry 
that had plagued me the previous mornings, increasing in
intensity each day of his absence.

This passage isn't bad; it tells us something of Ukyou's
state during the Jusendo adventure.  But it also represents
a huge opportunity to get your readers deeper into your
story.  If you work on this passage, specifically, the
notion that her muscles have been cramped with worry, and
make the feeling very immediate and real to us, you will
make your story much more effective.

He even considers me his fiancee when I know that his father
is forcing Akane down his throat.

Again, this isn't how I see Ukyou (but it is effective in
showing us how you see her).  Ukyou's plan at the Cave of
Lost Love _depended_ on Ranma and Akane already being, to
some extent, a couple.

Waiting only a moment longer than necessary, I turned off and 
exited the shower.  A huge soft towel awaits me, as I quickly
wrapped it around my body, protecting it from the cooling air
of the room.  It felt wonderful to be wrapped as I am.  I just
stand here, holding myself in the towel, enjoying the feeling
of warmth and protection it offered.

This is rather nice imagery.  And I think that going back
and forth between concrete imagery and Ukyou's airy thoughts
works well.  And your attempt to link the feeling Ukyou gets
from the towel to the feeling she gets from Ranma is
interesting.

But I find I'm not into this scene very much (and I'm
struggling to figure out why).  It might be that you're
simultaneously trying to get us to feel Ukyou's urgency at
seeing Ranma, and a sense of peace the shower provides,
and they conflict.  Or maybe I just can't see Ukyou feeling
this way, given her independence.

upon me.  "Ranma!"  The name resounded in my head like an 
intoxicating drug as I place the robe upon my shoulders,
heading back to my room before I had made sure that I was
properly modest, in case Konatsu was around.

You are narrating in first person.  Would Ukyou really
think that?  A woman might _do_ that, certainly, but most
probably because she _didn't_ realize it.  In this first
person narrative, you can't tell us something Ukyou
doesn't consciously realize.  Suggest, instead, sudden
realization, following by tugging her robe into place,
as she's passing Konatsu's door.

Setting a personal record for changing, I don my normal 
apparel minus my weapons, which I forget in my haste.
My mind has little room for anything that doesn't concern
Ranma directly.

Why the "no weapons" detail?  You don't use it later.  If
here only to underline the haste, then where did the hast
come from, given the apparent leisurely shower?  You seem
to me to be trying to convey contradictory impulses.
Granted, Ukyou can _have_ contradictory impulses, but the
effect on me as a reader is that I'm feeling distant from
this Ukyou.

I almost bound down the stairs, losing my balance on the 
third step as I overstep it, only to land safely, if
unsteadily on the one below it.  After the momentary fright
was over, I giggle to myself, laughing at the thought
of getting hurt today of all days.

We know Ukyou dashes over rooftops, etc, when she wants to.
Given which, the idea that she was in any danger here is
ludicrous.  Is this the unreliable narrator strategy?  That
doesn't seem to go anywhere.  Is this just another Ukyou
daydream?  That wouldn't be a bad idea, but it's cut short.
Suggest cutting the word "unsteadily" and the "momentary
fright", but then going on for a paragraph or two of Ranma
being way OOC in solicitously caring for Ukyou's sprained
ankle.  You can convey the difference between 'reality'
and daydream by using hyperbole:  "The light gleamed off
Ranma's smile as he looked down at me with concern."

"Good morning, Konatsu!"  I call merrily to the boy, who was busily
preparing to open the restaurant.  I start straight for the door,
indifferent to how impolite it would be to him.

Why would that be impolite?  He's her employee.

"Lady Ukyou-" he starts say and I cut him off, not meaning to 

starts to say

"But it is from the Dojo, Lady Ukyou."  I hear him explain.

Suggest either ', Lady Ukyou," he explains' or just leave
the second sentence off.

I turn the small envelope over in my hand, trailing a finger 
across the seal, feeling for an imperfection in it that is
keeping me from my letter.  My curiosity is wreaking havoc
on my coordination as I fail repeatedly to open the flap.
My pulse is way out of control as blood races through my
veins, unable to allow the fine muscle coordination that 
would allow me to open this damn envelope.  Frustration
final overloads me, destroying my patience as I rip the
small envelope, bringing forth the letter.  Finally!

My reaction to this _should_ probably be to bring me closer
to your character, but I find instead that it is distancing
me.  Why?  It just seems more IC for the Ukyou I think I
know, as well as the Ukyou you've shown us as driven by
haste, to just rip the envelope open from the get-go.

"Lady Ukyou," Konatsu cries, but the words don't really 
register.

Here's another place where you're not using the first-
person narration effectively.  If the words don't register,
then your narrator can't know them, and can't tell us.
Suggest something like:
  Konatsu cries something, but the words don't really
  register.

now, as I'm overwhelmed with sadness and loss.  Loss.  I gasp 
again, trying to start my lungs again.  The short expulsion
of breath and intake of more oxygen was almost more harmful
than good, as my throat started burning and I choke on the
sensation.

Effective description of intense grief, I thought.

"Lady Ukyou."  The whispered words break me.  As I realize my 
last and only friend is still here for me.

Last sentence isn't complete.

Also, Ukyou seems to be writing off Ranma and Akane as friends
here, or possibly deciding that they are no longer friends.
It might be important to be specific which:  does she believe
that this wedding invitation cuts the relationship, by R & A's
volition?  Or is she cutting the relationship here?
Not that you need to have Ukyou tell us directly; an indirect
telling might be better.

A simple letter, a simple statement, and I have been betrayed.

That's not a bad final sentence, but I think the preceding
three paragraphs or so could be trimmed quite a bit.

While this is an understandable reaction from a generic
woman who thought her relationship with her fiance was different
than it in fact was, you don't, IMO, deal effectively with what
else your readers know (one of the pitfalls of writing fanfiction,
as opposed to original).

We readers know perfectly well that:  the invitation is NOT
from Ranma, Ranma and Akane are being railroaded to some extent,
and that, in fact, Ranma's feelings about getting married right
now are complex.  Ukyou might, alternately decide:
1) that Ranma is being railroaded, and is depending on her to
stop the wedding, or 2) [my personal interpretation] that while
she's aware that a wedding NOW would be to Akane, this ends
the contest too soon, and that she must avert the wedding until
such time as she is leading the contest.  Your story gives us
no real reason why Ukyou is not coming to one of these other
decisions.

The whole story is, in a sense, an attempt to convey an Ukyou
more conventionally "girly", so that we feel the wedding
invitation as a sharp betrayal.  In some ways, it is remarkably
successful at that, given the initial improbability of
convincingly giving us such an Ukyou.  Nonetheless, I don't
find the story finally successful.

Why?  You're going against my prior conception of the characters,
and probably that of many readers.  This is not fatal; it just
makes your story more difficult to write.  It means that you
have to work extra hard to give us YOUR Ukyou.  And it's here
that you could succeed, IMO, but don't.  Part of it is that
you're somewhat inconsistent:  Ukyou is hasty, then leisurely,
then hasty.  You also don't give us her dreams and aspirations
so that we buy into them.  And you don't deal with potentially
conflicting information, for example Ukyou's relationship
with Akane.  In the manga, Ukyou _behaves_ as though Akane is
a friend.  Your Ukyou never thinks of her at all.  Also, your
readers know that Ukyou goes on from this crying jag to a fit
of (for her) unparalleled violence; we can't see how one comes
from the other.  To the reader, it seems more like your Ukyou
is just going to cut all ties, not go the wedding, and never
speak to Ranma or Akane again.

Bottom line?  While you're showing us some bits and pieces
of good writing here, I'm not sure that this story is the
best place for you to spend your time.  While it is not
impossible to salvage, IMO some of your paragraphs would work
much better in a completely different story.  For instance,
set it prior to Konatsu's appearance, and have the story be
about a slasher-murderer in Nerima coming after Ukyou.  The
language you use for grief could lend itself to acute fright
quite well.

Author's notes: I had this idea or thought for some time now. 
Of all the things in the anime and manga, one of the most cruel
has to be Nabiki sending the invitations to Ukyou and Shampoo.

And is that surprising, in Nabiki?  (BTW, some fanfic writers
render that decision of Nabiki's as deliberate, to ensure that
the wedding _will_ be disrupted.)

Still, "cruel" might be an overstatement.  Takahashi deliberately
led the readers into thinking that Ukyou was almost in an
accepting mood (there'a a panel showing Ukyou saying to Konatsu
"I've been thinking that this day would be coming for a while..."),
for the comic effect of then showing Ukyou more violent than
ever.

And, if Ukyou _was_ okay with things, shouldn't she be invited?
She is friends with both Ranma and Akane, after all; by the
end of the series, arguably Akane's closest friend and one of
Ranma's closest.  At the very least, I would expect one of the
Tendos to sound her out as to whether she wanted to attend.
It's almost a fanfic convention to have Ukyou as either best
man or bridesmaid for a second wedding, after all.  (This doesn't
mean anything about what's "correct", just about your readers'
perceptions.)

and the callousness by which they are informed of the decision
is...

True, but the notification was from Nabiki, not R or A.  If
Ranma is just back from Jusendo the day before, why does Ukyou
think that he played any part is sending out the invitations?

I've been thinking of this for a while, I don't remember if 
something like this existed before, but this is my vision of
their feelings that morning before Takahashi showed them getting
angry and taking out the wedding.

They by themselves didn't "take out" the wedding.  That took a
lot of effort by Genma, Happosai, and both Kunos as well.

This interpretation of Ukyou's feelings that morning might very
well be original; I can't think of a similar treatment off hand.
You might take that as an accolade, but you might also take it
as a warning.  While I could be convinced of the hurt betrayal
reaction you give us, I don't see how Ukyou progresses from
this level of hurt, through an apparently-resigned "I've been
thinking this day is coming for a while..." while cooking
okonomiyaki (which we later learn was explosive) to the 
violence itself.

At any rate, thank you for writing and sharing your view of
Takahashi's creation.  Please take my comments as my opinion
only, and as applying solely to the story as written.


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