C&C below.  Some snippage.

Ukyou's Betrayal
A fanfic by KPJAM

Any relation to SKJAM?

Disclaimer.  This story is the work of fan-fiction based upon the charact=

ers

found in the Ranma =BD manga.  The rights to them are owned by Rumiko

suggest:  Ranma 1/2 manga
(You've used a platform-specific character,
which looks like a capital-Pi on my computer.)

[...]

"Ranchan is back!"  That's my first thought upon waking.  I had heard the
news yesterday while working in the restaurant, his return was as unexpec=

ted

as his leaving.

suggest:  while I was working.
or:  while I was behind the grill

punc:  restaurant.  His return was
(New sentence.)

suggest:  as his departure.
(Less awkward.)

I smile as the thought of seeing him floats around my brain, assaulting m=

e

suggest:  filling my mind with images
("Assaulting" implies violence, like the images are unpleasant.)

with pictures of his smiling face and the feelings of happiness his compa=

ny

brings.  Removing the covers I leave my bed quickly, there is little time=

 to

punc:  the covers, I leave

punc:  quickly.  There is
(New sentence.)

spare.  The weeks of absence must be ended as quickly as possible, my bes=

t

punc:  possible.  My best
(New sentence.  Remember, if you've got a new predicate you need to
start a new sentence, or use a semi-colon to seperate the clauses.
In this case, you've got "absense ended," and "friend awaits.")

friend awaits me.   He must be dying to see me, because I know I can't wa=

it

to see him.  This should be the happiest day I've had in weeks, since his
unexpected departure.  The mere thought of seeing him again is bringing l=

ife

back into my life, something that his presence has always done.

Was Ranma actually gone for weeks?

A few quick feather-light steps find me at my door, removing my robe from
its hook.  I stand for a minute, grasping my robe at its nape and snuggli=

ng

it to my chin while I imagined wistfully that there was a second hooks an=

d

matching robe hanging there.  The first morning that dream was realized
would be the first perfect morning of my life.

suggest:  The morning that dream
(The "first" isn't really necessary.)

A wistful sigh reminds me that I must get going, Ranma is only a quick
shower and short trip away!
=20
Opening the bedroom door, I walk down the hall, noticing that Konatsu's d=

oor

is partially open, signifying that my most recent friend and employee is =

up

and about.

suggest:  partially open.  My most recent ... must be up
(I can't see a country girl like Ukyo use the term "signifying."  :)

Thinking about Konatsu always reminds me of our initial meeting, and Ranm=

a's

attempts to save me.

AKANE:  They weren't very good attempts, though, were they?
KONATSU:  No....
AKANE:  Seeing as I saved you from the mouth of sister one....
KONATSU:  And I saved you from the arms of sister two...
UKYO:  Details, details!

He's always doing things like that for people, that's
something I respect so much about him.  But, nothing beats when he shows

punc:  for people.  That's
(New sentence again.)

such caring and affection for me.  I can feel my face warming, I ignore t=

he

gram:  care
(I'm pretty sure you don't want "caring" here.)

punc:  warning.  I ignore
(New sentence!)

blush, feeling it deepen as I recall his actions on my behalf that day.  =

He

doesn't often show such emotions concerning me publically, but when he do=

es

I feel lighter than air.

sp:  publicly
punc:  does, I feel lighter.

SOUN:  You've shown emotions to someone other than my Akane?!
RANMA:  What?  I did?
AKANE:  Can't remember?
NABIKI:  Well, I don't see Ukyo giving any examples, either.

Suggest giving an example of when Ranma has shown his caring to Ukyo
publicly, or removing the "publicly."

The bathroom is empty and I hesitate while I consider the western-style b=

ath

and shower.  Which should I choose?

KUNO:  You must choose BO--mph!
RANMA:  Nevermind this idiot.
UKYO:  Oh, Ranma, I never knew you were so eager to see me naked!
RANMA:  Wh- What?!=20

Neither was as nice as a furo, but I do
have to hurry.  My heart is racing just thinking about being reunited wit=

h

my Ranchan.

This paragraph doesn't feel like it's serving any purpose other than
the author showing off that knows what a "furo" is.  If she's in a rush,
why is she hesitating to choose?

Understanding his need to be his own man, I have tried to give him some
space, never really chastising his actions.

AKANE:  Except for that whole secret sauce incident when you moved into
        my house to live with Ranma?
UKYO:  What did I tell you about bothering me with the details?!

Sure I've slipped up on
occasion, who wouldn't?  When they desired to be with someone, and only t=

hat

somebody, so strongly.

Who are "they"?

Supportive is what I try to be, of his actions and
his needs.  It's still hard to swallow at times, his current situation an=

d

living arrangements, but I trust Ranchan to make the right decision when =

he

needs to, when the time is right.

What is with the weird sentence structures?  Keep it simple.

"I try to be supportive of his actions and needs.    It's hard to swallow
his current situation and living arrangements, but..."

Starting the taps, I decide the shower is going to have to suffice for no=

w.

suggest:  starting the faucet
or:  turning the taps

After quickly disrobing, I'm underneath the stream of hot water, feeling =

the

jets pound softly on flesh and muscles that are cramped from sleep and ta=

ut

from excitement.  I can feel the relief as the muscles soften under the

suggest:  muscles taut from excitement.
(Why would they be cramped from the rest of sleep?)_

onslaught, idly noting the huge difference from the worry that had plague=

d

me the previous mornings, increasing in intensity each day of his absence=

.

suggest:  plagued me the last few mornings
=20

I laugh at myself for needlessly worrying about him.  He is my best frien=

d

after all.  He wouldn't let anything happen to me, or leave me for good

punc:  friend, after all.

without at least telling me first.  This much I know, the faith and trust=

 I

punc:  I know.  The faith

have in him as a martial artist and as a person, always bolster my
confidence.  More than faith, really, because I really never doubt these
things about him.  He would hurt me, he has shown he would fight for me. =

 He

suggest:  He would never hurt me
(That's what you meant, right?)

punc:  me.  He has shown

even considers me his fiancee when I know that his father is forcing Akan=

e

down his throat.

punc:  fiancee, when

This sentence doesn't make any logical sense.  Did you mean that, while
Akane is forced on Ranma, Ranma openly acknowledges Ukyo as his fiancee?
It's not clear.

Also, some consideration and understanding are due to me, if not a whole =

lot

more.  The way his father had handled my dowery and ditching me like garb=

age

suggest:  Also, I am due some some consideration and understanding.  The wa=
y
(Try speaking the sentences you've written aloud.  Do they sound natural
to you?)

sp:  dowry

GENMA:  Would this be a bad time for me to remind you that you lost the
        okonomiaki cart to the Gambling King?  Are you allowed to give
        someone else's property as dowry?
UKYO:  Shut up!
GENMA:  No no, I *respect* that!  It's the sort of thing I'd do!
UKYO:  Shutup shutup shutup! [brains with spatula]

along the road was insulting enough to start a family war.  My father's
dealing with the same event was also less than appropriate, but he's my
father, I have to do what he says.  But Ranma doesn't really listen to hi=

s

father anymore, I wish I could be that strong and noble.

GENMA:  The term you're looking for is "dishonorable."
UKYO:  What?!  Ranchan is SO honorable!
GENMA:  Then he should do what his father says.
UKYO:  But you're an idiot!
GENMA:  Honor has nothing to do with intelligence.   [whispers]
       Thank goodness.
RANMA:  I HEARD that!

Waiting only a moment longer than necessary, I turned off and exited the
shower.  A huge soft towel awaits me, as I quickly wrapped it around my
body, protecting it from the cooling air of the room.  It felt wonderful =

to

be wrapped as I am.  I just stand here, holding myself in the towel,
enjoying the feeling of warmth and protection it offered.  A warmth
reminiscent of feelings my Ranchan provides for me with his smiles, his k=

ind

words, his actions on my behalf.

suggest:=20

Waiting a moment longer than necessary, I turn off the faucet and leave the
shower.  I wrap myself in a huge soft towel, keeping out the cool air of th=
e
room.  The warth and protection it provides remind me of Ranchan, and the
feelings I get from his smiles, kind words, and actions on my behalf.

(I won't make any more comments about awkward-reading sentences.)

[...]

"Lady Ukyou-" he starts say and I cut him off, not meaning to be extra ru=

de,

but he can be a bit verbose and extra-polite, things I really don't have
time for right now.

suggest:  not meaning to rude
(So she did mean to be *somewhat* rude?  :)

"I need to go see Ranchan.  Postpone opening until I get back."  I can he=

ar

the excitement in my high-pitched voice.

suggest:  Don't open
(Keep it simple.)

"You've received  a letter," he replies as soon as I finish.
=20
"Later.  I'll read it when I return from the seeing Ranma."
=20
"But it is from the Dojo, Lady Ukyou."  I hear him explain.

cap:  dojo
(Why are you capitalizing this word?)

I stop in mid-stride, face glowing like a supernova at the thought of Ran=

ma

sending me a letter.  He had never done that before, the lack of

punc:  before.  The lack

correspondence was something I have always overlooked, we do go to the sa=

me

punc:  overlooked.  We do

school.  I don't need a constant reminder that he cares about me, but the
thought of this extra-notice was wonderfully satisfying to me.

punc:  extra notice
(Why are you hyphenating this?)
=20

I walk over to Konatsu, race over is more appropriate and accept the card
from my only other friend's outstretched hand.

punc:  Konatsu -- race over is more appropriate -- and

"The Tendou Dojo," I whisper, softly reading the nicely written return
address.  I wonder why the Dojo is sending me something, and not my Ranch=

an

specifically.

Uncapitalize all the "Dojo"s.

I turn the small envelope over in my hand, trailing a finger across the
seal, feeling for an imperfection in it that is keeping me from my letter=

.

Huh?  She's holding the letter; how can in imperfection in the seal keep
her from it?

My curiosity is wreaking havoc on my coordination as I fail repeatedly to

punc:  coordination, as I

open the flap.  My pulse is way out of control as blood races through my
veins, unable to allow the fine muscle coordination that would allow me t=

o

Her pulse is unable to allow fine muscle coordination?

open this damn envelope.  Frustration final overloads me, destroying my

gram:  finally

patience as I rip the small envelope, bringing forth the letter.  Finally=

!

suggest:  At last!
(You just said "finally.")

I look at the paper, blood drains from me as my heart and lungs both stop

punc:  paper.  Blood

working at the same time.  The world freezes as my vision flickers and I

suggest:  stop working for a moment.
(Unless they start again, wouldn't she die?  ^_^;)

[...]

I stagger forward a step, as my legs become unstable, slack as I can't fo=

cus

enough to keep the muscles in my leg tight, or my balance for that matter=

.

I hurt my knees as I fall to the ground, scraping them underneath the sla=

cks

I wear, but whatever pain that caused is unnoticed next to the throbbing
pain in my heart.  I look at my hands on the floor, giving me support, an=

d

strangely notice the letter isn't there, the instrument of my torture mus=

t

punc:  there.  The instrument

[...]

"Lady Ukyou," Konatsu whispers in a frightened and concerned voice.
=20
I turn slowly, facing the boy dressed as a girl, and see the frighted fac=

e

sp:  frighened

[...]

I know it won't be enough, never enough, but that doesn't matter.  I need=

ed

anything, anything that can, or even might provide me assistant in gettin=

g

sp:  assistance

through this moment.  This moment that I'm again cast aside like garbage.
This moment when my feelings, thoughts, and dreams had again been ignored
and deemed unworthy of consideration by my best friend.
=20
A simple letter, a simple statement, and I have been betrayed.
=20
-----------------------------------------

[stuff about a forum and author I know nothing about deleted]

I'm not what to make of this treatment of Ukyo.  I mean, it's rather biased
towards her, ignoring Ranma's behavior towards Akane, ("Genma's forcing
Ranma to marry her!") and her own behavior towards Ranma ("I've always give=
n
him space!").=20

Of course, it's told from her point of view, so that's completely
understandable.  But as I read, I grew increaingly uninterested in Ukyo's
opinions.  It significantly blunted any emotional impact the ending was
supposed to have.

The story seems to be an argument laying out why the invitation was such a
betrayal.  But as an argument it fails, becuase it only tells one side of
the story. =20

Unless Ukyo describes her own failings, rather than glossing over them, I
can't sympathize with her.  And since I *know* about those failings, having
read the manga, their omission is glaring.

I'd suggest you go over the story, and place more emphasis on Ukyo's
emotions,=20
rather than thoughts.  Don't try to explain things; just present them.  If
you avoid self-righteousness ("I deserve him, especially after all the
horrible
things that have happened to me and the things he's been forced into"), the=
n
she=20
will appear more like an innocent victim in the end, giving us more sympath=
y
for her.

On the technical side, simplify your sentences.  They don't need to be that
long.  (Many of them were run-on sentences as they were.)  Ruthlessly cut
out
sentences or phrases that aren't adding to the tone of the story.  "Keep It
Simple."

And finally, read your story aloud as you review it.  It will help you pick
out words and phrases that sound awkward.

Keep writing,=20


Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall              "There's a lot of things I *should* do."
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Fanfiction * Drawings * Roleplaying


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