And returning to this at last:

Used most of the grammar comments.

[snip]

Lo... Xel...Xelloki had a problem.

XEL: I am not a cabbit, my dear fellow. And no, that isn't my problem.

Nah. You need hyphens instead of ellipses for it to be a cabbit name.

Being mischievous meant harassing people. Xelloki liked harassing people.

He

liked harassing his half-bro... sis... sibling most of all, and

preferably

to death.

You're using an awful lot of "X did Y" sentences that are progressing in
very small steps, so to speak. Dunno if that's what you meant by
"stilted" above. (And if that's the case, having already read the fic, I
don't see why that is.)

It was the simplistic style of humor I was going for in the beginning. Just
experimenting with style, I guess.

Xelloki was far more afraid of Sif than Odin. Angry women were far more
creative when it came to hurting men then men could be to one another.

Suggest: could be with one another.
(being creative to someone doesn't quite parse)

Yeah. Much better. I knew it sounded off but couldn't figure out how to
change it to make it sound better.

around with women in Rio de Janeiro instead of acting on the information

the

God of Mischief had provided. He was not driven by such base lusts, and
could not understand Hercules' mentality. Exactly how many wenches did

the

muscle-bound clod have to sleep with before he was going to be satisfied?

At

HERC: Sorry, but that is a....

XEL: Shut UP!

Heh

Gourry raised his hand, shouting "Oh, oh! I know what it is."

"Well?" Lina asked.

"It's a Xel-phone."

D'oh. :)

Aw, c'mon. I'm sure it was obvious to a punmeister of your talents. :)

Both Lina and Sylphiel's eyes widened.

Lina was the first to properly react. "Oh no! He's under the effects of

the

Curse of Kleppe again!"

Hey! ^_^;;;  That isn't a curse. It's totally benign. :)

Only to the recipient. :)

Lina said, "Sylphiel, it's up to you to use your white magic to drive the
possessing spirit out again."

S: Why me?

L: Because as everyone knows, if you want something done right, you have
to do it. You're Sylph.

Ouch! Now that, I never saw coming.

"Nope. I ousted Mephisto just last month. I'm in charge of this section

of

Hell now."

XEL: Oh, no, you aren't.

PHIL: I am so! Just try calling and applying for the job. They'll tell
you right away that it's been Philled!

Ouch. I should have known better than to challenge for your title. Now I'm
paying for it in blood. ^_^

The head of the Nekomi Tech Motor Club placed his hands on his hips in
indignation. "It's to build up muscle tone in your ankles for the
moto-pedal. We can't afford to lose to Aoshima again. He's already got

our

club house and vehicles. If we lose this last race, we got to disband our
club. There's no way I'm letting that bunch of Four Wheels geeks take our
rightful spot as the top club at Nekomi."

Isn't Tamiya's speech a lot rougher than this? At least in the Dark
Horse translations, it is.

I started out that way, then shortly learned why Tamiya has little in the
way of dialogue. It looked just awful, putting in 'da's and such all the
time, so took a few liberties and made his speech relatively normal.

"Ha, ha, ha! I am here at last," the woman announced. "Allow me to

introduce

myself. My name is Satana Satanadana. But you can call me Mara."

"How do you get Mara from that?"

MARA: Well, it just goes to show ya, there's always something.

True

"Horns?" She reached up and felt the side of the head, her hands

caressing

the projections as though it was the first time she had become aware of
them. "What the hell?" She went through a pocket of her scandalously

short,

shorts, and pulled out a card. She spoke aloud, reading it for the first
time. "Hmm. According to my super villain action card, I'm currently

fused

with 'Satana, the Devil's Daughter'. A Marvel character that made a

handful

TAM: Hey, I know who that is.

MARA: You do?

You do?

TAM: Sure.

[Strikes a dramatic pose; then brings toward his mouth a hand that now
mysteriously clutches a microphone]

TAM: o/~ Oye como va.... o/~

MARA: [turns head] Say, could I borrow that staff if the Slayers
characters are through with it?

Heh. Might be a good idea. I missed that one myself.

Mara-Satana Satanadana read further. "I see. Originally it was a sign

that

the demonic 'Basilisk' entity, (no relation to the late green-skinned,

red

eye-beam shooting super villain of the same name) within Satana was

active.

In my case it's just to show I'm evil and fused with her." She tucked the
card back in her pocket. "Well, that's settled."

MARA: So do you understand now?

TAM: Sure. o/~ You're a black magic woman... o/~

MARA: Staff? Please?

Heh

Mara-Satana said, "Sure you do. It's the only way you can beat Aoshima.
After all, he's got the edge since he already sold his soul to us."

"He did?"

MARA: Of course. He gave us his soul in exchange for my promise that you
would never beat him in a race.

TAMIYA: Um... and if I give you mine, I'll be able to beat him?

MARA: Of course. Would I lie about a thing like that?

Demonic logic always works out right if the end up with the soul under
contract. ^_^

Mara-Satana rolled up the contract and hid it within her ample cleavage.

She

continued rummaging around in it until she came up with a vial of

greenish

fluid sealed by a cork. She unstopped the vial, and the fluid began

bubbling

as it came into contact with the air. "Drink this and you'll become the
recipient of near unimaginable power."

nearly unimaginable
(or (I think))
near-unimaginable

Will go with the latter.

Connection, for lack of a better term, with the ball and chain. Almost

like

"Connection" doesn't start a new sentence, so don't capitalize it. Also,
I'd use ellipses after "term" because you started its clause with them.

Hmm. Now of late people have been telling me that the first word after the
ellipse is capitalized. I can't find my bloody English grammar book, so I'm
uncertain. Anyone no for sure which is the official way to spell the word
after the ellipse?

the same  guy he was before he got bigger. It was an illusion. Nothing

had

really changed. He was just bigger now. Inside he remained the same

timid,

lovable loser he had been before.

Might be good to describe this feeling in some more specific terms. What
is he feeling that leads him to this conclusion?

Because it's true? He knows that he really hasn't changes, save in outward
form. I picture him as pretty much that sort of guy, and that's one of the
reasons Bell likes him so. Likewise since this is only an omake I don't have
time for the proper deluson and angst afterwards.

sister, for crying out loud!" Now such matters were no longer a concern.

On

the bright side, her chest had unquestionably grown a good bit. On the
downside, the rest of her had also increased to tremendous proportions.

She

looked like a professional bodybuilder, one that chugged a gallon of
steroids with every meal. Especially noteworthy were her arms, which

looked

like twin piledrivers with how large they were.

Suggest:
her arms, as large as twin piledrivers.
("with how large they were" is awkward)

Also, I can't swear to it, but I think pile-driver is hyphenated, or
maybe two words.

Will change.

All eyes turned to the destruction Tamiya inadvertently caused. Even the

big

man seemed taken aback by the carnage before him.

"When she said tough, she wasn't kidding," Tamiya mumbled.

Did she say "tough?" I don't remember it.

Actually it probably was strong. I'll change. Strong's better.

"You're not helping here," Keiichi hissed.

KUNO: He is referring to such as I, you fool. Oh token female on the
supervillain team, I would DATE with you!

MEGUMI: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Heh. See? It can always get worse.

Megumi's cries, stopped as suddenly as they started. She sniffled,
"Actually, I sort of like that. It has a nice ring to it. It makes me

sound

tough, yet feminine."

OK, NOW she says it. :) Did you change the order of these lines and
forget to adjust the reference? Like the anime version of Shampoo's
first appearance that flashed back to the skating story they hadn't done
yet?

No. It was just a simple mistake on my part.

BTW: If you have to ask who Kleppe is, you won't get the joke. ^_^

So who is... oh. Never mind, then.

I knew you wouldn't get it. :P

That's that for that. Hope you liked what I wrote. Drop me a line if you
did.

No! Never! Um, I mean....

Anyhow, I thought it had some good amusing moments, particularly in the
first half. It kind of bogged down in the end, though. I'd suggest
adding more humor and/or trimming the last scene down; showing how each
member of this group chose his or her name seems unnecessary, doubly so
if you're not going to continue from there. :)  Also, you could give the
story a little more closure by adding one more scene where they actually
do go after Thor and it gets resolved somehow. Given the nature of this
side story, the resolution could be a completely goofy one, so I don't
think it'd be too hard to some up with something.

Nah. It's just a silly omake. Not meant to have a serious resolution. I'll
see about trimming down the end though, since post-powers the humor does
slow down considerably. I suppose it's just habit that made me want to tie
it into the Avenging story as much as I could despite the fact it can't take
place there.

Thanks mucho for the C+C. It's been very helpful, as always. Now if only I
could find the time to get around to the next chapter and work on it before
the other ideas floating in my head....

D.B. Sommer

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