Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Tenchi/Sailor Moon] Process of Elimination Chapter 09 (part one)
From: Brian Randall
Date: 2/21/2002, 4:42 PM
To: DB Sommer
CC: ffml@anifics.com


DB Sommer wrote:

And trying to finish a few things up before advancing on to the next
project"


    Uh-oh! He's gaining on me!

Battle of Shanghai is what I see as one of Earth's darkest days.

I'd say events leading up to it were somewhat grimmer.


    Yeah, but on a less global scale.

The reavers attacked en mass, attempting to merely swarm the pair
with their superior numbers, but both defenders merely

two 'merely's close together. I'd drop the first myself.


    Whoops. Done.

third flung itself at Ranma in a suicidal rush of claws, goring
Ranma's shoulder before the sword pierced its entire length,

So they did draw some blood. That's good try to avoid making Ranma too
invincible.


    He's not perfect.

A stabbing pain, however brief, flashed through Rei's head,
momentarily staggering the girl. Ranma's grandmother

Ranma's grandmother?


    Ah.... Yes. From chapter three or four. Or maybe five. Most of the 
other characters don't know that Cologne isn't Ranma's real grandmother, 
so simply make the assumption.

Leaping across the crowds and barring it's

its


Fixed.

path, Mamoru -- in his

Endymion form, shining armor, sword, and all

Aww. I wanted to see him throw a rose in the thing and stop it. :)


    Well, it was this, or 'Tuxedo la Smoking Bomber'. Endy won.

slashing at the reaver and whirling back from it's

its


    Gah! Pesky typo.

The reaver lunged to follow, acting

I'd drop 'acting' as being unneccesary.


    Done.

struggle, throwing her most powerful attack at the creature. "Mars
flame sniper!"

Shouldn't it be 'Flame Sniper'?


    Nope. None of the special attacks are capitalized in this fic, 
except for the Light Hawk Wings, and the Tenchi-Ken.

Trusting the other half of the team to see to matters on the street
corner, Cologne sped off, towing the hesitant Usagi, and with the
much more eager Hotaru dogging her heels. Michiru followed
hesitantly,

two 'hesitate's close together. Again I'd change one


    Very true. But.... Which one?

unsure of what she could add to the fray.

"Child," Cologne asked, pacing with the child

and here with child. 'young girl' could be used for the second.


    Bleah. This chapter was a tad rushed.

pooling around some, others reduced too far by repeated slashes of
the reaver's claws to positively identify who they might have been.

Other than being organic material at one time. :)


    Also true.

Countless dimensions of stacked mass unfolded into one, expanding
outwards and exploding with monstrous force.

My, how messy.


    By design.

the devastation stopped, only a hundred meters away. Smiling in
satisfaction, Endymion allowed himself to faint from the effort that
the attacks had left him with.

'left him with' sounds awkward. I'd change it in some way.


    "Smiling in satisfaction, Endymion allowed himself to faint from the 
toll that the attacks had taken upon him."

    Better?

The mass of shrapnel from the reaver's hide -- many, many times the
reaver's own size -- exploded outward, a storm too thick for Cologne
to ever dream of deflecting entirely. She closed her eyes, sighing.
A suicide attack, probably, but if there were enough willing
Joketsuzoku warriors, then it might turn the tide.

What would they need? A hundred or so left?


    Chapter nine? 247.

Ranma's trembling fingers closed the body's eyes, a young girl who'd
never see another summer. It hurt Cologne, but she was no stranger
to death. Being familiar with it didn't let her enjoy it, though.
Eyes bright with tears, Ranma shrugged, "What can I do? I'm still
not strong enough. It'll never be enough.

Actually in another 100 or so it will be enough. :)


    Then again, Tokimi herself doesn't help matters much....

"That -- that--" she stammered, pointing at him, eyes wide, "that's
the robe from my dream!"

Which is actually a bad thing since it means the dream is closer to becoming
true.


    Yep!

frowning. "What happened here,"

here?


    Whoops. :p

Obviously it doesn't happen until later. She has time, even if it is
reasonable for her to get worried now.


    Of course.

"Yes," she mumbled. "My future self would have no reason to lie to
me. She seems to like playing tricks on me, though." She huffed
indignantly at the last, shaking her head.

Hmm. Odd. Wonder why she likes to do that?


    Probably to lightly punish her for trying to abuse the Time Gate.

The creature mewled, dismayed, but nodded. "Okay, and have yourself a
ball -- they're not using this thing anymore, so eat your heart out.
I think Washuu left a bunch of stuff in the hanger.

He's going to eat a whole sircraft carrier? Now that should be a major
accomplishment.


    Heh!

Smiling faintly, Ranma teleported back to Setsuna's side --
effortless

effortlessly (I think)


    Not sure. I think the dash changes the rules a little bit. I'll 
reword it.

When he reached the bank, Setsuna was already inside, a pair of
needles inserted into the lock of a safety deposit box. She glanced
at him, then back, touching one of the needles just so, and opening
the lock.

She learned lockpicking? I'm impressed.


    She's got time to learn these skills. ;)

wanted whoever took charge of this to make an extra copy, because if
the letter becomes too aged and illegible, it'll do you no good.

Good thinking.


    Kagome struck me as the clever type.

"Why should I do what you say?" Setsuna asked, not angry, instead
seeming only to be curious.

Ranma; Because you my bitch now.


    HAH!

"Not much," Setsuna admitted. "Merely to watch my step in a place
with a lot of springs."

Now if Ranma was evil, he could tell her that that's just paranoia and
traipsing around springs is perfectly fine.


    Still trying to get over the last joke; I bit my tongue laughing. >_<

remember that your quantum-- that your ki can keep reavers from
phasing, and to _be_ _careful_."

Gee, you'd think he'd have picked up on that by now. :)


    Yes, but _she_'s the greatest scientific genius in the world....

"No," Usagi protested, shaking her head, "that's not it at all! I
need to fix all of this right now -- I can't let people suffer like
this!"

"What are you talking about?"

Usagi: It's time to take over and make Crystal Tokyo a reality. Anyone that
doesn't like it can get exiled or something.


    You joke about it now, but that figures into a fairly key piece of 
the story.

The same energy that was in the reavers, actually.

Heh. Ran-oh-ki needs to learn to categorize things to a human scale of
importance.


    That could help.

Ranma stood again, Setsuna at his side, staring in confusion mixed
with horror, while his sword was held before him, the point mere
centimeters from Usagi's throat. "What are you doing?" he growled,
inhuman eyes glowing, blazing with fury.

Oh, so that was the energy spike. This could get messy.


    Indeed....

"No, Usagi," Setsuna said, shaking her head swiftly. "I don't think
it could be that easy

Setsuna: The fic would end too abruptly.


    Actually, only book one would end too abruptly. :p

She nuzzled her face against Ranma's side affectionately. "You smell
nice," she said after a moment.

Hotaru:: Like blood and violence. I like it.


    What little girl wouldn't?

Seeing that things had calmed, Mamoru dropped his sword to his side,
still obviously displeased, but more accepting. "Higurashi," he
addressed Ranma coldly, "do not threaten Usagi again."

Ranma: Fine. Next time I'll kill her outright instead of threatening her.
Would that make you happy?


    HAH! Ouch.... The funny... it is too much to bear!

Tenchi sighed, rubbing at his temples. "Seiryo?" he asked, concentrating.

Heh. Always liked him. One of the best one shot throwaway characters I've
seen.


    Was interesting, I'll grant him that. Had some real nice intro 
effects. His departure was somewhat less graceful.

"I don't have a soul," Yakumo assured her.

Heh. Wondered when he'd bring that up.


    Technically, Pai has his soul, actually.

"Three from the sea, one behind the crowd, and one under that
building over there!" Ami exclaimed, pointing to the building that
Yakumo's creature had created a line to.

She needs a better early warning system


    Actually, Ran-oh-ki relayed the information to her. I might want to 
make that a little more obvious.

"It's a trap," Yosho swore. "They could all come up under the crowd
again -- what are they up to?" Thumbing his radio on, he explained
tersely, "This is Yosho, at the wharf, we've got five reavers headed
towards us, over."

I thought Ran Oh ki was supposed to tip them off anyway.


    Well, he did, kind of.

figure it out, and stop it once they do. Meiou, don't get yourself
hurt."

An odd thing to say to her.


    She was the link back to his family.

Decided,

need something before 'Decided' I think.


    Revised.

center of the street was replaced

had been replaced (I think)


    Point.

"We're not doing so hot," Ryu grunted. "Ranma cracked six of my
damned ribs a couple days ago. Breaking my fucking arm doesn't help
things a lot."

Well, with a broken arm, I'd say he has reason to be upset.


    I'd agree!

Yakumo spared no time for thought, merely reacting, though one part
of his mind still focused on keeping Tou-Chou under control. The
innocents at his back

innocents behind him (since you used 'backing' later in the sentence)


    Whoops.

Describing a perfect circle,

I'm not sure what you were trying to say there.


    Wasn't sure that would work. Changed to simply: Moving in a perfect 
circle.

Haruka fired their own charges into the fray, and again the reavers
seemed to merely slide.

I see they've finally learned a new trick.


    They do, of course. Otherwise it would all be too easy....

"I've got it!" Ami called nervously. "Washuu-sensei showed me how to
use -- Oh! They're doing something to the space around them. It's
called phase-shifting." She looked at Yosho nervously, as the man
paled, swallowing and staggering away from the barrier. "What's
wrong, Masaki-san? What is it?"

"It's... they cut an area of space out of our own dimension, and
moved it to a near-dimension. Light and energy can enter,

Then they need lasers.


    Yeah, but then the reavers could just make it bounce off the edges 
of the field.

"Aric," Tenchi called to the man levelly.

Tenchi: It's nice to see you volunteer to leave. Thank you for making it
easier. Next order of business.


    *snicker*

    You seem to like the image of Tenchi as an even more barbaric ruler 
than he is at the moment. :p

and in borrowed skin, was now truly real. She smiled, her first true
expression aside from the confused blankness, and murmured, "I must
be clothed."

Hmm. Ominous.


    Hmm?

In its place, where all had been energy and power before, the girl
was left clad in the immaculate robes appropriate of the Goddess of
Jurai. Clasping her hands before her gently, aware of the strange

Oh, Tsunami.


    But of course; Tokimi has purple eyes.

Why was this happening? She was one of the defenders, and they had
just slain one of her allies! Again she silently asked herself, why?

Yes, a very odd reaction. I wonder what brought it on.


    Technically Yakumo's fault. Using Tao-Chou to herd the refugees to 
safety....

Well, I'll move on to part two and find out. :)


    Coolness. I suppose this means I'll need to post part 11 tonight. :p

D.B. Sommer

-- Brian Randall -- I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a kind grant from the Larry F foundation: http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html -- Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE! -- Haiku of my lament: Forgive my spelling, my U.S. education, is the source of blame. .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'