Bjorn Christianson wrote:

} Date: Sun, 09 Sep 2001 12:24:50 -0700
} From: Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net>

Roight.  Back into the business.  And, heck, I'm only half a
year behind!

Ahh, I wish I could catch up like that.  Anything older than a few
months without getting touched on this end, and there's a chance I'll
never see it again.  ^_^;

} This story is based on characters created by Hiroki Hayashi, Masaki
} Kajishima, AIC, and Pioneer.

This C&C is made up wholesale by me.  You can use it for
whatever you want, as long as you recognize that it is a)
free, b) by direct implication, valueless, and c) any rude
things you say about the C&C might make me cry.

Umm, no offense, but A does not actually imply B.  There are things of
great value that cost no money...though it may help if one views time,
talent, and other quantities not always directly translatable into money
as currencies in their own right.  (For instance, the C&C does cost a
token amount of time to read.)  For a more dramatic version of this, ask
any defender of Linux (guilty! ^_^;) for a comparison between it and the
currently most popular commercial operating system.

} She gestured to each element as she listed it.  "The trees, the sky,
} the sounds...I always forget how much I miss Earth until I return."
} Her hair ruffled in a slight breeze as she sighed.  "I think I forget on
} purpose, so I won't miss it so much it interferes with my duties."

"much that it interferes", maybe? 

I thought about that, but it sounded better for her to phrase it in that
slightly gramatically incorrect way.  I can't quite put a name to why,
though.

} While the day was only partly cloudy for the Galaxy Police officers,
} Ryoko was already in the shadow of a dark downpour.  Despite the fact
} that it was noon, little enough sunlight broke through the clouds that
} the street lights' photo sensors had tripped, turning them on and
} illuminating cones of water droplets just as they finished their
} kamikaze plunges to the streets and sidewalks.  It was a metaphor Ryoko
} found entirely too appropriate to the scene at hand.  

I'd suggest playing up the metaphor a bit more.  As it is,
it's a bit subtle, which makes it jarring when Ryoko
suddenly references it.

Perhaps, but dragging the metaphor on without getting to the business at
hand would just drag the scene into a sleeper, no?

Oh, and technically they're photo-detectors, not sensors,
but that's a nitpick of immense proportions. ;)

Err, aren't photo-detectors one specific type of sensor?  They sense
light, after all...

} Still, as she left a plastic bag with the merchandise on top of a
} garbage can in an alley and backed away, she wondered just how many
} non-Earthlings there were on this planet.  She had thought that, once
} the Galaxy Police duo left, all the remaining ones had been living at
} Tenchi's house.  But here was definitely not there.  She was pretty sure
} that someone who knew to ask for this merchandise by name, and who could
} pay - and pay quite well - in Jurai scrip, was definitely not native to
} this planet.

Were I Ryoko, if I were suddenly approached out of the blue
by someone I didn't expect to exist who was requesting to
purchase controlled substances, I'd be *very* worried, on
several levels.  How was contact made?  Why is Ryoko sure
it's not a set-up?  For that matter, how and why does she
have access to the stims?  After all, pirates and drug
dealers aren't exactly the same thing....

Worried?  Yes.  Going to pass up some easy cash?  She's reformed, but
not *that* reformed, or at least that is how she appears to me.

} Kiyone hid her expression as she hung her slightly damp jacket by the
} door.  Some things never changed.

There was a clatter of broken pottery from inside the
kitchen, and then Ayeka burst in from the kitchen.
Startled, Kiyone had only enough time to twist in her seat
and wonder at the sudden appearance of the Juraian battle
armour before a wrenching burst of energy blew her back
through the table and slammed her against the wall.

Ignoring Tenchi as he babbled incoherently into the teacup
he'd raised to his face, Ayeka stomped up and thrust a
shaking finger into Kiyone's face.  "Did I just hear," she
screeched, "FORESHADOWING?"

Maaaybe.  ^_-

"But..."  Mihoshi blinked.  "I don't really understand
why're you're so upset about it.  I mean, all of that led to
you meeting Tenchi, right?  And you're going to marry
Tenchi, and not Yosho, right?"

Into the void cut by those words fell a heavy silence,
pulsing in time with the throbbing of Ayeka's veins, until
Tenchi said, with reverent feeling, "Oh, shit."

(Ahem.  Sorry.  I'll be good.)

Sure you will.  Ayeka, you'll make sure he'll be good, right?  ^_^

<whip CRACK!>  "Hai!"

} Ayeka concentrated, her discomfort with what she had to say, and her
} efforts to find a way to sugar coat it, readily obvious to Kiyone.

I'm not sure you need the commas in "say, and her" and "coat
it, readily".

Perhaps if I replaced them with hyphens?  They're intended to bracket
that phrase, to indicate that both the bracketed bit and the bit before
it were obvious to Kiyone.

} Kiyone's face seemed to slowly melt in fear and sadness.

Perhaps "misery" instead of "sadness"?  For some reason,
"sadness" seems to weak to blend properly.

Which probably works: Kiyone was more afraid of the immediate future
than sad for her loss at this point.

} Ayeka gestured to the pad in Mihoshi's hands.  "That's got a complete
} list of the specific events and problems, but it boils down to
} corruption and abuses.  In fact, he specifically mentions you as an
} example of what the typical Galaxy Police officer is *not*, and as such
} offers you and a few other ex-officers, including Mihoshi, citizenship
} in our empire as a means of sanctuary from, and I quote, 'the many
} enemies that such a model of what police should be, has undoubtedly
} acquired during her service in that organization'."

No comma after "should be".

Actually, that one was deliberate: the Emperor emphasizing his praise of
Kiyone, and thus putting a bit more sting into his slap at the GP.

} The faintest flicker of a smiled briefly graced the corner of Kiyone's
} lips, as she trudged off towards the indicated portal.  Through it, she
} found an empty field, grass covering gently rolling foothills as far as
} the eye could see.  Idly, she realized this must be one of the planets
} in Washu's pocket dimension: far above, a bright spot among white,
} fluffy clouds indicated the local sun's position.  The air was utterly
} still, and the temperature perfectly balanced between warm and cool.

"flicker of a smile"  (typo)

Already fixed in the version I have archived, so I probably caught it
before posting it out.

} Which was why, after opening the door, glancing around, and seeing that
} her sister was in motion, she said, "Ayeka, could I ask you to keep it
} down while I make dinner?  I know you love Mihoshi and all, but..."
} 
} She choked, realizing her mistake just after the nick of time.

Heh.

She meant to say "Ryoko" instead of "Mihoshi", of course.

} Ryoko lazily lifted her head from Tenchi's chest, where the pair lay in
} front of the fire in the fireplace.  Then she looked at Ayeka and
} Mihoshi, the latter of whom was clearly blissed out from the former's
} ministrations.  "Ohoho, it's like *that*, is it?"
} 
} Ayeka blushed, getting back to her work after a short pause.  "Now, now,
} Ryoko.  Clearly Sasami thought I would reserve this treatment for
} Tenchi, since he is much more deserving of my touch than of yours.  But
} I have not given a massage in a while, and I would not wish to injure
} Tenchi with a rusty technique."

This seems like a rather restrained response from Ayeka.

Sasami's almost the only person Ayeka never gets mad at.  For more than
one reason, I suspect.

} Sasami barely felt Mihoshi quickly pick her pocket, pulling out a
} slightly ripped plastic bag with some white pills.
} 
} Misaki peered at the bag closely.  "Stims?"
} 
} "Uh-oh."  Ryoko hefted Tenchi up and back through the wall.  "Trust me,
} we do *not* want to be present for this."
} 
} "My little girl has been taking stims?"
} 
} "No, mommy."
} 
} "Then why do you have them?"
} 
} "..."
} 
} Misaki but put her hands on her hips.  "Come on, tell me.  Why do you
} have stims?"
} 
} "Umm, Misaki, ma'am?"  Mihoshi held out her hand.  "I don't suppose
} you'd let me hold onto those while you work this out?"

Something missing here, I think.  Mihoshi was the one who
first took the stims, but now Misaki has them?

Ironic how you phrased that...but, yeah, Misaki should have been the one

who pickpocketed them from Sasami.

} "Think about it.  Why, out of all of us, are you the only one who hasn't
} fallen in love with him, yet you can understand him better than any of
} us sometimes?  'Opposites attract, likes repel.'"

KIYONE:  Or how about, "taste" and "common sense"?

Same tastes ("presence of taste") and acquisition of common sense makes
them "likes", given who they're being compared to.  ^_^

} "Within the past hour, what looked like an alien spaceship appeared over
} the capitol buildings in Sydney, Capetown, Washington D.C., London,
} Berlin, Moscow, New Dehli, Beijing, and Tokyo.  

Poor Canada.  Not even Space Invaders take it seriously. ;)

Oh, I'm sure the authors of Space Invaders took Canada very seriously.
Canadian quarters spend just as well as any other internationally
recognized hard currency.  ^_^

Great story.  This is a wonderful Mihoshi character piece
(of which there aren't anywhere near enough ;).  The
backdrop you set the story against is great as well --
particularly, the entire Uplifting aspect is compelling
enough to almost demand a sequel series based around it.

Which I'm sure you have more than enough time to do, right?
;)

Ah...maybe.  Eventually.  If I can find a good plot hook to hang it
around.  I mean, just "Kiyone leads the rise of Earth as it learns to
stand on its own amongst the interstellar powers" is a setting, not a
plot.

Anyways, fun read.  Sorry the C&C is so late.

Better late than never.  Unless "late" becomes "too late" which is
effectively "never".  Or something like that.  ^_^;


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