My, this was unexpected:

C&C is provided, unasked for, and is worth only the amount
you choose to value it.

Too true. I value it highly, though.

} This took me longer to finish that I thought. No prereaders this time,

so

} there should be plenty more mistakes to correct.

Maybe even some left for me to find.

Oh, I should think so. There's almost always something someone misses, me
most of all.

} But now the years had been generous to him. In the beginning it was his
} wife, and then his children, who became the center of his existence for

more

} than two decades. Other men, like Sano and Yahiko might have eyes (and

only

} their eyes) that strayed from their spouses, but he did not. No other

women

} existed as far as he was concerned. Perhaps he should tell her that,
} reassuring her and hopefully restoring some measure of her pride in her
} appearance.

I found this a little confusing.  You start off with "In the
beginning", which implies that there was some change that
has happened since then.  Perhaps "From the beginning"?

Not sure if that parses right. Perhaps 'In the early years'

} Kenshin shifted the packages again so that they were held in front of

him

} with both hands. Shopping in the market was an effort the required a

fair

} amount of skill. It was always crowded during this time of day, and of

late

} they restricted their shopping to once a week, which meant twice as many
} packages as most men could manage. But one of the advantages of being
} trained in the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu was an almost inhuman sense of

balance,

} and that extended to carrying bags filled with food, clothing, and other

not

} so basic necessities.

"was an effort that required"  (typo)

See. That one was never spotted. :)

} Today was worse than usual, with a constant press from teeming throngs

of

} humanity. It seemed there were half again as many people as there were

last

} time, which was probably an accurate observation. The winter festival

was

} rapidly approaching and people were getting ready for it, which would
} explain the heavy traffic. Whatever the cause, it made moving from stall

to

} stall difficult, even for Kenshin, and he had to keep a careful step

lest

} even he be bowled over by an errant body.

I'd suggest leaving out the "which would explain the heavy
traffic", as it makes the sentence a bit run-on, and is redundant.

Agree. Dropped and changed the start of the next sentence to 'The crowds'
and dropping 'Whatever the cause'

} The man was tall, a giant standing six feet high among a crowd where

most

} were at least a half foot shorter. His appearance was Japanese, but not

from

} where in Japan he might have originated.

Last sentence doesn't parse.  "but gave no hints as to
where", perhaps?

yeah. What I meant to say.

} His face was gaunt, and judging by
} the way his clothing fit snugly around him, he was clearly emaciated.
} Kenshin doubted if he weighed more than Kaoru. A wide-brimmed straw hat

sat

} on top of his head, but it rested back slightly, showing off his face

and a

} tuft of hair the color of obsidian. Alabaster skin and cold steel blue

eyes

} contrasted sharply with the black hakuma and top he wore. He was nearly

as

} pale as a geisha, and his lips were just as snowy white as the rest of

his

} face. The hilts of a katana and wakizashi rode at his hip, though his

hands

} hung limply at his sides.

"hakama", not "hakuma."

Oops.

} In the past, he had discarded his sword, supposedly forever, but two

armed

} intruders in his home, one even managing to threaten his oldest son, had
} changed his mind. While he had managed to incapacitate the intruders

with a

} broom, it had been a near thing, so he had another sword forged. It was

one

} that had yet to bathe itself in blood, and the gods above willing, never
} would.

I'm far from being a Kenshin expert, but didn't Kenshin have
to go to extreme lengths to replace his reverse-bladed sword
in the series?  I find it a bit unlikely (for that reason
and others) that he'd discard it, though leaving it at home
seems quite plausible.

Hmm. If I recall correctly someone told me that when the series ended when
he gave his reverse-blade to Yahiko as sign that his past as a swordsman was
gone. That was why I made mention of why he still has a sword. Had to get
that info from others, though.

} As one, Kenshin and Kaoru headed towards the commotion to see if they

could

} help. It was a struggle to move through the press of crowds, which

doubled

} as people moved in the same direction, as many trying to get closer out

of

} general curiosity as a desire to help.

Last clause isn't quite grammatical.  Maybe make it a new
sentence, and "As many were trying to..."

Hmm. Will consider. I do like the way it sounded, though.

} Once they made their way through the final layer of people, the pair

halted.

} Kaoru held a hand up to her face, gasped, then moved behind her husband,
} shielding her eyes from the sight. Kenshin, having seen worse, dealt far
} worse personally, merely looked on. Only a slight crinkle at the corner

of

} his eyes and a grim frown on his brow served as his reaction to the

sight.

You can't actually have a "frown on his brow"; perhaps
"marring" or "furrowing" his brow?

changed it to 'a grim frown'. This one was caught by others. :)

} Then it struck Kenshin all at once, just as hard as one of Sano's fists
} between the eyes. He knew who the man was, or more precisely, what he

was.

} It seemed impossible, it defied explanation, there was no logical reason

to

} jump to such an outrageous conclusion, yet still Kenshin was certain to

the

} bottom of his soul that he was correct. It seemed right in some

inexplicable

} way. Appropriate, might have been the word he was looking for. It fit.

"'Appropriate' might have been...."

Gotcha.

} His older son, Hiro was at a friend's house. He had no idea where Yoshi
} currently was. Perhaps he was cleaning out storeroom, another one of his
} chores he had been given while Kenshin and Kaoru had been shopping. He

hoped

} his son would not witness what was to come, though in truth he had no

idea

} of how the upcoming conflict would appear to another person's eyes. He

did

} not know what form the struggle would take, or even if there would be

one.

} But in any case, it would be for the best if Yoshi saw nothing. No child
} should be forced to witness what was to come.

"cleaning out the storeroom" (missing word)
"had no idea how"  (added word)

Right again.

Grammatically, it should be "In any case" (without the
"but.")

I openly confess to ignoring that rule. However in this case I agree that it
would be better if it wasn't there. Will drop it.

} The Hitokiri Battousai. He had defeated everyone in the end. Not a

boast,

} but fact. And this time, maybe more than ever, he had to win. It was

going

} to be the hardest contest ever- of that he had no doubt. There was no

sense

} in holding back, not against this opponent; it was pointless. Accepting
} that, Kenshin opened the fight by feinted with his shoulder to the left,
} while bringing his sword up, then pivoting on his heel to abruptly

change

} direction and sweep in from a high arc to the right.

"fight by feinting" (tense)

Heh. You're finding lots of new things for me to revise.

It's odd that Kenshin isn't starting the fight with one of
the powerful moves from Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu, given his
thoughts about not holding back.

Well, it's still best to test an opponent's defenses and offenses first,
regardless of the situation.

} He tried a low stab towards the leg this time. Again the gaunt man

blocked

} it with an ease that belayed the skill the strike was delivered with.
} Prepared for the irresistibility behind the block, Kenshin spun and

attack

} high again, aiming at the same spot he had tried a moment ago. But the

man's

} sword reached up even faster and turned the attack aside as easily as it

had

} the first two times.

"that belied the skill"  ('Belaying' has something to do
                            with boats. ;)

Whoops. I usually make that mistake with that word.

} Again doubts plagued him, eating away at his resolve like hungry dogs

would

} on a side of beef that was thrown to them. Only the memory and training

of

} forcing him to fight no matter what happened enabled him to continue
} fighting effectively.

That last sentence reads awkwardly.  Maybe "Only the memory
of relentless forced training enabled him to continue"?

That could work.

} He was prepared. Tensed leg muscles uncoiled, and he leaped high in the

air.

} His body underwent a metamorphosis as he rose towards the sky like a

bird,

} turning white as his the pupils in his eyes disappeared in a white haze.

"as the pupils in his eyes"  (extra word)

Okay

I found this scene a little confusing.  His body is actually
turning white?  Or is that metaphorical?

I think when he right and properly loses it, he turns whitish, at least that
was how I remembered it happening in the No Requim OVA.

} The Hitokiri Battousai, Kenshin Himura, had been defeated without a mark

on

} him.

Nice.

Thanks. Thought it would be a nice irony.

} Kenshin raised his head, enough strength had returned for that. He

looked up

} to see the brown eyes of his nine-year old son, his red hair as tangled

a

} mess up as always. "You can see me? I'm not dead?"
}
} Yoshi nudged his father with his foot. "Doesn't look like it. Is this a

some

} kind of game? It's stupid, if it is."

Heh.

Probably inappropriate given what's about to happen, but it seemed a normal
reaction

} Kenshin smiled, a sad, weak thing. "I'd appreciate that, and so would

the

} boys. You're as close an aunt as Ayame and Suzume are to them. Maybe

even a

} little more since they don't spend much time here. I think they need a

woman

} around. It might remind them of their mother, but I think it'll be good

for

} them in the long run. And, I'll probably need both you and Sano's help."

"both your and Sano's help."

I'd also suggest dropping the "since they don't spend much
time here", as it's unncessary and rather expository.

Okay

Not much to say.  A really nice story, touching and sad
without being overly weepy or depressing.

Thanks. Meloncholy, to be sure. But that was my intention. Don't do only
humor, not by any stretch of the imagination.

My only major criticism would be that the foreshadowing as
to the nature of the man gets a bit heavy-handed.  There
comes a point where you either need to drop less hints, or
just come out and say things. ;)

This was the primary complaint about the story, and everyone was right. I
have since sliced most of the foreshadowing out. A case of not being
anywhere near subtle enough. But that's why we send these to the list, so
people tell us what's working and what's not.

But still, a great story.

Thanks. Glad you liked it, and thanks for C+Cing despite how long it had
been hanging around. It helped a lot.



D.B. Sommer

Bjorn

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