"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

One last note: That beginning is a little stilted. That is intentional.
You'll see when you read. No prereaders either.

[snip]

Lo... Xel...Xelloki had a problem.

XEL: I am not a cabbit, my dear fellow. And no, that isn't my problem.

Xelloki was the God of Mischief.

Being mischievous meant harassing people. Xelloki liked harassing people. He
liked harassing his half-bro... sis... sibling most of all, and preferably
to death.

You're using an awful lot of "X did Y" sentences that are progressing in
very small steps, so to speak. Dunno if that's what you meant by
"stilted" above. (And if that's the case, having already read the fic, I
don't see why that is.)

Xelloki was far more afraid of Sif than Odin. Angry women were far more
creative when it came to hurting men then men could be to one another.

Suggest: could be with one another.
(being creative to someone doesn't quite parse)

But Xelloki really, really wanted to harass Thor. Hercules wasn't going to
be enough, especially since the stupid Olympian was wasting time fooling
around with women in Rio de Janeiro instead of acting on the information the
God of Mischief had provided. He was not driven by such base lusts, and
could not understand Hercules' mentality. Exactly how many wenches did the
muscle-bound clod have to sleep with before he was going to be satisfied? At

HERC: Sorry, but that is a....

XEL: Shut UP!

He whipped out a slender black object, that easily fit in his hand, from

object, one that

within the folds of his cape. He unfolded part of the bottom of it so that
it protruded outward at an angle, raised a long, slender metal rod from the
top, pushed several buttons from the main part of it, each emitting a tiny
little beep, and cradled it to his ear, as though listening for something.

"What's in the world is that?" Lina asked.

Gourry raised his hand, shouting "Oh, oh! I know what it is."

"Well?" Lina asked.

"It's a Xel-phone."

D'oh. :)

Both Lina and Sylphiel's eyes widened.

Lina was the first to properly react. "Oh no! He's under the effects of the
Curse of Kleppe again!"

Hey! ^_^;;;  That isn't a curse. It's totally benign. :)

Lina said, "Sylphiel, it's up to you to use your white magic to drive the
possessing spirit out again."

S: Why me?

L: Because as everyone knows, if you want something done right, you have
to do it. You're Sylph.

S: Oh brother. I think someone's engaging in a little pun-upsmanship
here.

A white aura formed between Sylphiel's hands as she chanted, "In the name of
Chumba-wumba, I summon thee forth spirits of cleanliness to scrub out
Gourry-sama's form, especially his brain, of this ancient and powerful
curse." A nimbus of white magic surrounded the staff. Pleased that the spell
was successful, Sylphiel said, "Now let the suffering end!"

She slammed the glowing end of the staff into Gourry's head.

GOURRY: So your spell progressed us from puns to slapstick? [rolls eyes]
Big improvement.

"He's not the current ruler of this section of Hell, I'll put you through to

Hell. I'll

There was a click on the other end as a new, male voice said, "Hello, Phil,
Prince of Insufficient Light here. How can I help you?"

"What?! Is this some sort of joke?"

"Nope. I ousted Mephisto just last month. I'm in charge of this section of
Hell now."

XEL: Oh, no, you aren't.

PHIL: I am so! Just try calling and applying for the job. They'll tell
you right away that it's been Philled!

The head of the Nekomi Tech Motor Club placed his hands on his hips in
indignation. "It's to build up muscle tone in your ankles for the
moto-pedal. We can't afford to lose to Aoshima again. He's already got our
club house and vehicles. If we lose this last race, we got to disband our
club. There's no way I'm letting that bunch of Four Wheels geeks take our
rightful spot as the top club at Nekomi."

Isn't Tamiya's speech a lot rougher than this? At least in the Dark
Horse translations, it is.

"Ha, ha, ha! I am here at last," the woman announced. "Allow me to introduce
myself. My name is Satana Satanadana. But you can call me Mara."

"How do you get Mara from that?"

MARA: Well, it just goes to show ya, there's always something.

"It's all in the pronunciation."

"Oh. What's up with the horns on your head? You look like could headbutt
your way through a cinderblock."

"Horns?" She reached up and felt the side of the head, her hands caressing
the projections as though it was the first time she had become aware of
them. "What the hell?" She went through a pocket of her scandalously short,
shorts, and pulled out a card. She spoke aloud, reading it for the first
time. "Hmm. According to my super villain action card, I'm currently fused
with 'Satana, the Devil's Daughter'. A Marvel character that made a handful

TAM: Hey, I know who that is.

MARA: You do?

TAM: Sure.

[Strikes a dramatic pose; then brings toward his mouth a hand that now
mysteriously clutches a microphone]

TAM: o/~ Oye como va.... o/~

MARA: [turns head] Say, could I borrow that staff if the Slayers
characters are through with it?

Mara-Satana Satanadana read further. "I see. Originally it was a sign that
the demonic 'Basilisk' entity, (no relation to the late green-skinned, red
eye-beam shooting super villain of the same name) within Satana was active.
In my case it's just to show I'm evil and fused with her." She tucked the
card back in her pocket. "Well, that's settled."

MARA: So do you understand now?

TAM: Sure. o/~ You're a black magic woman... o/~

MARA: Staff? Please?

"No!" Mara-Satana swatted Tamiya in the head. "I mean real power. Power as
in "I can casually bench press a Buick if I feel like it'."

    ^
This quote mark should be a single one (').

That she used a car reference in the explanation helped Tamiya to understand
the concept much more quickly that he otherwise would. The big man said, "So

would have.

Tamiya quavered a bit. "I don't know as I want to part with my soul."

Mara-Satana said, "Sure you do. It's the only way you can beat Aoshima.
After all, he's got the edge since he already sold his soul to us."

"He did?"

MARA: Of course. He gave us his soul in exchange for my promise that you
would never beat him in a race.

TAMIYA: Um... and if I give you mine, I'll be able to beat him?

MARA: Of course. Would I lie about a thing like that?

"Powerful enough to beat her up. Yes, that's it. I think someone might have
said she'll probably only go out with someone who defeats her in combat."
The demoness congratulated herself on modifying an old law some recently
extinct tribe of warrior women in China had used.

KUNO: Hey! I thought of it first!

Mara-Satana rolled up the contract and hid it within her ample cleavage. She
continued rummaging around in it until she came up with a vial of greenish
fluid sealed by a cork. She unstopped the vial, and the fluid began bubbling
as it came into contact with the air. "Drink this and you'll become the
recipient of near unimaginable power."

nearly unimaginable
(or (I think))
near-unimaginable

"Only five more miles to go," Megumi cheered from the back of Ootaki's
motorcycle as they circled around Keiichi's slow moving form.

slowly moving

Keiichi shook his head. "He's probably drunk. It's the alcohol talking." At
least Keiichi hoped to god it was the alcohol. He didn't want to think about

to the gods
(or if Kei is a monotheist)
to God

Curious, Keiichi felt himself and gasped. Whereas before he had very little
chest, almost to the point that he had an indentation rather than pecs, now
he had what could only be regarded as a strapping amount of excess muscle.
His arms and legs were the same way: thick, almost like pistons in an engine
rather than appendages of a human body. He hefted the ball and chain as
though they were made of paper mache. Also he felt an odd sort of...

papier mache.

Connection, for lack of a better term, with the ball and chain. Almost like

"Connection" doesn't start a new sentence, so don't capitalize it. Also,
I'd use ellipses after "term" because you started its clause with them.

It was great. He was no longer a weenie. He was strong and buff and... Still

"Still" doesn't start a new sentence, so don't capitalize it.

the same  guy he was before he got bigger. It was an illusion. Nothing had
really changed. He was just bigger now. Inside he remained the same timid,
lovable loser he had been before.

Might be good to describe this feeling in some more specific terms. What
is he feeling that leads him to this conclusion?

sister, for crying out loud!" Now such matters were no longer a concern. On
the bright side, her chest had unquestionably grown a good bit. On the
downside, the rest of her had also increased to tremendous proportions. She
looked like a professional bodybuilder, one that chugged a gallon of
steroids with every meal. Especially noteworthy were her arms, which looked
like twin piledrivers with how large they were.

Suggest:
her arms, as large as twin piledrivers.
("with how large they were" is awkward)

Also, I can't swear to it, but I think pile-driver is hyphenated, or
maybe two words.

All eyes turned to the destruction Tamiya inadvertently caused. Even the big
man seemed taken aback by the carnage before him.

"When she said tough, she wasn't kidding," Tamiya mumbled.

Did she say "tough?" I don't remember it.

Keiichi decided to try consoling his sister, again, "Cheer up, Megumi. You
know, there are some guys that like girls that work out a lot."

"Who?" she cried.

"Yeah, who?" Ootaki parroted.

"You're not helping here," Keiichi hissed.

KUNO: He is referring to such as I, you fool. Oh token female on the
supervillain team, I would DATE with you!

MEGUMI: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Megumi's cries, stopped as suddenly as they started. She sniffled,
"Actually, I sort of like that. It has a nice ring to it. It makes me sound
tough, yet feminine."

OK, NOW she says it. :) Did you change the order of these lines and
forget to adjust the reference? Like the anime version of Shampoo's
first appearance that flashed back to the skating story they hadn't done
yet?

BTW: If you have to ask who Kleppe is, you won't get the joke. ^_^

So who is... oh. Never mind, then.

That's that for that. Hope you liked what I wrote. Drop me a line if you
did.

No! Never! Um, I mean....

Anyhow, I thought it had some good amusing moments, particularly in the
first half. It kind of bogged down in the end, though. I'd suggest
adding more humor and/or trimming the last scene down; showing how each
member of this group chose his or her name seems unnecessary, doubly so
if you're not going to continue from there. :)  Also, you could give the
story a little more closure by adding one more scene where they actually
do go after Thor and it gets resolved somehow. Given the nature of this
side story, the resolution could be a completely goofy one, so I don't
think it'd be too hard to some up with something.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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