} From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
} Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 21:53:41 -0400
C&C is provided, unasked for, and is worth only the amount
you choose to value it.
} This took me longer to finish that I thought. No prereaders this time, so
} there should be plenty more mistakes to correct.
Maybe even some left for me to find.
} But now the years had been generous to him. In the beginning it was his
} wife, and then his children, who became the center of his existence for more
} than two decades. Other men, like Sano and Yahiko might have eyes (and only
} their eyes) that strayed from their spouses, but he did not. No other women
} existed as far as he was concerned. Perhaps he should tell her that,
} reassuring her and hopefully restoring some measure of her pride in her
} appearance.
I found this a little confusing. You start off with "In the
beginning", which implies that there was some change that
has happened since then. Perhaps "From the beginning"?
} Kenshin shifted the packages again so that they were held in front of him
} with both hands. Shopping in the market was an effort the required a fair
} amount of skill. It was always crowded during this time of day, and of late
} they restricted their shopping to once a week, which meant twice as many
} packages as most men could manage. But one of the advantages of being
} trained in the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu was an almost inhuman sense of balance,
} and that extended to carrying bags filled with food, clothing, and other not
} so basic necessities.
"was an effort that required" (typo)
} Today was worse than usual, with a constant press from teeming throngs of
} humanity. It seemed there were half again as many people as there were last
} time, which was probably an accurate observation. The winter festival was
} rapidly approaching and people were getting ready for it, which would
} explain the heavy traffic. Whatever the cause, it made moving from stall to
} stall difficult, even for Kenshin, and he had to keep a careful step lest
} even he be bowled over by an errant body.
I'd suggest leaving out the "which would explain the heavy
traffic", as it makes the sentence a bit run-on, and is redundant.
} The man was tall, a giant standing six feet high among a crowd where most
} were at least a half foot shorter. His appearance was Japanese, but not from
} where in Japan he might have originated.
Last sentence doesn't parse. "but gave no hints as to
where", perhaps?
} His face was gaunt, and judging by
} the way his clothing fit snugly around him, he was clearly emaciated.
} Kenshin doubted if he weighed more than Kaoru. A wide-brimmed straw hat sat
} on top of his head, but it rested back slightly, showing off his face and a
} tuft of hair the color of obsidian. Alabaster skin and cold steel blue eyes
} contrasted sharply with the black hakuma and top he wore. He was nearly as
} pale as a geisha, and his lips were just as snowy white as the rest of his
} face. The hilts of a katana and wakizashi rode at his hip, though his hands
} hung limply at his sides.
"hakama", not "hakuma."
} Kenshin's hand reflexively went to his waist, seeking the reassurance that
} only embracing a cold hilt could give, but there was nothing there. The
} reverse-blade he owned still rested in its place on the mantle at home. The
} sword itself was a reluctant concession to the reality that, as much as
} Kenshin might have wished otherwise, the world was still a dangerous place.
} In the past, he had discarded his sword, supposedly forever, but two armed
} intruders in his home, one even managing to threaten his oldest son, had
} changed his mind. While he had managed to incapacitate the intruders with a
} broom, it had been a near thing, so he had another sword forged. It was one
} that had yet to bathe itself in blood, and the gods above willing, never
} would.
I'm far from being a Kenshin expert, but didn't Kenshin have
to go to extreme lengths to replace his reverse-bladed sword
in the series? I find it a bit unlikely (for that reason
and others) that he'd discard it, though leaving it at home
seems quite plausible.
} As one, Kenshin and Kaoru headed towards the commotion to see if they could
} help. It was a struggle to move through the press of crowds, which doubled
} as people moved in the same direction, as many trying to get closer out of
} general curiosity as a desire to help.
Last clause isn't quite grammatical. Maybe make it a new
sentence, and "As many were trying to..."
} Once they made their way through the final layer of people, the pair halted.
} Kaoru held a hand up to her face, gasped, then moved behind her husband,
} shielding her eyes from the sight. Kenshin, having seen worse, dealt far
} worse personally, merely looked on. Only a slight crinkle at the corner of
} his eyes and a grim frown on his brow served as his reaction to the sight.
You can't actually have a "frown on his brow"; perhaps
"marring" or "furrowing" his brow?
} Then it struck Kenshin all at once, just as hard as one of Sano's fists
} between the eyes. He knew who the man was, or more precisely, what he was.
} It seemed impossible, it defied explanation, there was no logical reason to
} jump to such an outrageous conclusion, yet still Kenshin was certain to the
} bottom of his soul that he was correct. It seemed right in some inexplicable
} way. Appropriate, might have been the word he was looking for. It fit.
"'Appropriate' might have been...."
} His older son, Hiro was at a friend's house. He had no idea where Yoshi
} currently was. Perhaps he was cleaning out storeroom, another one of his
} chores he had been given while Kenshin and Kaoru had been shopping. He hoped
} his son would not witness what was to come, though in truth he had no idea
} of how the upcoming conflict would appear to another person's eyes. He did
} not know what form the struggle would take, or even if there would be one.
} But in any case, it would be for the best if Yoshi saw nothing. No child
} should be forced to witness what was to come.
"cleaning out the storeroom" (missing word)
"had no idea how" (added word)
Grammatically, it should be "In any case" (without the
"but.")
} The Hitokiri Battousai. He had defeated everyone in the end. Not a boast,
} but fact. And this time, maybe more than ever, he had to win. It was going
} to be the hardest contest ever- of that he had no doubt. There was no sense
} in holding back, not against this opponent; it was pointless. Accepting
} that, Kenshin opened the fight by feinted with his shoulder to the left,
} while bringing his sword up, then pivoting on his heel to abruptly change
} direction and sweep in from a high arc to the right.
"fight by feinting" (tense)
It's odd that Kenshin isn't starting the fight with one of
the powerful moves from Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu, given his
thoughts about not holding back.
} He tried a low stab towards the leg this time. Again the gaunt man blocked
} it with an ease that belayed the skill the strike was delivered with.
} Prepared for the irresistibility behind the block, Kenshin spun and attack
} high again, aiming at the same spot he had tried a moment ago. But the man's
} sword reached up even faster and turned the attack aside as easily as it had
} the first two times.
"that belied the skill" ('Belaying' has something to do
with boats. ;)
} Again doubts plagued him, eating away at his resolve like hungry dogs would
} on a side of beef that was thrown to them. Only the memory and training of
} forcing him to fight no matter what happened enabled him to continue
} fighting effectively.
That last sentence reads awkwardly. Maybe "Only the memory
of relentless forced training enabled him to continue"?
} He was prepared. Tensed leg muscles uncoiled, and he leaped high in the air.
} His body underwent a metamorphosis as he rose towards the sky like a bird,
} turning white as his the pupils in his eyes disappeared in a white haze.
"as the pupils in his eyes" (extra word)
I found this scene a little confusing. His body is actually
turning white? Or is that metaphorical?
} The Hitokiri Battousai, Kenshin Himura, had been defeated without a mark on
} him.
Nice.
} Kenshin raised his head, enough strength had returned for that. He looked up
} to see the brown eyes of his nine-year old son, his red hair as tangled a
} mess up as always. "You can see me? I'm not dead?"
}
} Yoshi nudged his father with his foot. "Doesn't look like it. Is this a some
} kind of game? It's stupid, if it is."
Heh.
} Kenshin smiled, a sad, weak thing. "I'd appreciate that, and so would the
} boys. You're as close an aunt as Ayame and Suzume are to them. Maybe even a
} little more since they don't spend much time here. I think they need a woman
} around. It might remind them of their mother, but I think it'll be good for
} them in the long run. And, I'll probably need both you and Sano's help."
"both your and Sano's help."
I'd also suggest dropping the "since they don't spend much
time here", as it's unncessary and rather expository.
Not much to say. A really nice story, touching and sad
without being overly weepy or depressing.
My only major criticism would be that the foreshadowing as
to the nature of the man gets a bit heavy-handed. There
comes a point where you either need to drop less hints, or
just come out and say things. ;)
But still, a great story.
Bjorn